chapter six
chapter one
chapter two
chapter three
chapter four
chapter five
By the end of the first week, Blaine’s confusion, combined with an uncontrollable energy, has left Kurt feeling completely exhausted.
-
It’s the worry that’s the worst. When he wakes up in the middle of the night to find Blaine not in bed with him; when he picks up the phone and presses in completely random numbers; when he runs across the road without waiting as Kurt can only shout to get Blaine to stop before catching his breath.
-
It’s a relief when Doctor Smith comes, exhausted from her night shift, but smiling. There’s an incredible stillness to her, one that even Blaine manages to absorb somehow as she settles in their living room with a cup of tea.
“So, how are you both getting on?”
“You’re very pretty,” Blaine tells her. She blushes slightly, shakes her hair subconsciously before composing herself again.
“Kurt, how about you?”
“Alright. It’s tiring, but I don’t mind.”
“Tiring? How?”
“He’s full of energy. He’s confused, but he’s happy and he’s bright and everything and sometimes it’s hard to keep up. He’ll wonder out in the middle of the night, run out into the middle of the road rather than wait to cross, and it’s scaring me. It’s worrying.”
“Why are you sad, Kurt?” Blaine asks, head tilted a little in consideration.
“It’s okay, Blaine,” Kurt smiles back.
“You got the letter from the NPC, I gather? I hear you have an appointment in the next week.”
“Yes. They said you’d set us up with that.”
“What I’ve asked them to do is to take a CT and MRI of Blaine for records, and then to go through a few tests with him - basic reasoning things, recognising patterns and features and things like that. This will not only serve as useful information, but will also help us to decide on Blaine’s care plan, things we might be able to do to help him in some way. Are you sure you’re coping with looking after him?”
“Yes, we’re just fine, Blaine, aren’t we?”
“Kurt, this shirt I was wearing has changed colour! It’s like magic!”
“What colour was the one you wore beforehand, Blaine?” Doctor Smith asks kindly.
“I can’t remember, but it wasn’t blue.”
“We’re just fine.”
“There are things we can try if you like. We could add a sedative to Blaine’s medication, which would help for him to calm down at the very least. There might be other options as well, but would you like to try that first?”
“I think we could manage that.”
“Okay. I’ll write you out a prescription, get it into the dispensary when I’m in tomorrow, and you can collect it from there in the afternoon. Would that be okay for you?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll see you soon then. I’ll be there when you see Professor Buckham next week. If you have any problems, you know to call me. Okay?”
“Thank you. Bye, Clare.”
“Goodbye, Kurt, Blaine.”
“But you only just got here - ”
-
That night, Kurt sits in bed restless.
He just hopes that this night will be the last.
-
On the wall in their bedroom, there’s a set of three photographs hung together on the wall. The colours are smudged within the dark and the shapes are cast in Fresnels, but Kurt can see them in the back of his mind as his eyes settle on them.
And it’s these that Blaine notices Kurt is staring at as he wakes up.
“Kurt, hey, it’s good to see you again!”
Blaine shuffles up the bed, reaches over to give Kurt a kiss on the cheek, to which Kurt smiles.
“How do you feel, Blaine?”
“I feel - alive.”
And then Blaine rolls over right on top of Kurt, and they’re kissing and passionate and it feels familiar and vintage and tastes of old times and it’s all hands and legs and lips and tears?
-
“Blaine, do you like the photographs we have on our wall?”
“That’s you, Kurt.”
“Yes, it is. And do you know who’s with me?”
“There’s a lot of people in that first one. A lot of red.”
“And who do you think that is, standing next to me?”
“In which one?”
“The one with all the red. Can you see it clearly enough?”
“No, let me go and see.”
Blaine slips out from beneath the safety of the covers, goes over to stare at it blankly for a few seconds.
“Who am I looking at?”
“The person next to me in the photo with all the red.”
“The girl or the boy?”
“The boy, Blaine.”
“Is he the same boy in all the other photographs?”
“Yes, he is.”
“You look very happy with him.”
“I am, because I love him more than anything else in the world.”
-
Kurt tries to tell Blaine the stories behind each photograph. Graduation, all of New Directions together for one last time. Where Artie, Tina and Brittany stick out because they have another year to go, how Blaine should be with them if he hadn’t taken on extra work to graduate at the same time and fulfil their dazzling dreams of New York together.
He speaks of their wedding in England together, and the ceremony in New York City with everyone there dressed to heights as Blaine’s elder sister gave him away, sure their parents were watching from wherever they were now.
And of their honeymoon in Paris, and of how cliché it seems now but how beautiful it was at the time, as they laughed together, fell over in the snow, how the restaurant owner let them sleep in there through the night because it was too dangerous to get back to the hotel and, Kurt adds, was so impressed by Kurt’s French.
It takes a while, and Blaine keeps asking questions and losing track, just as expected, but Kurt knows somewhere, even if just for a moment, Blaine has the sand grains of the memories back once more.
-
That afternoon, they drive to the hospital, go to the dispensary and collect a small box with the words Klonopin (Clonazepam) printed across it.
-
To Kurt, the corridors are all too familiar, long and dizzying and uniform.
To Blaine, each footstep is new, an imprint in fresh snow.
Maybe not having a memory can be a good thing sometimes. Not having to think. Just able to dream.
-
They eat dinner, Kurt gives Blaine his medication, and they fall asleep together, Kurt’s arm around Blaine’s waist.
They wake up exactly the same way the next morning.
-
Blaine is much calmer the next day.
It feels like relief.
But not for long.
-
The next day, Blaine’s in tears. He’s incessant and won’t stop and maybe he can’t stop and Kurt can do nothing and the world seems bitter once more.
-
“Rachel, hello. I’m sorry I’ve not been answering recently. A lot’s been going on. Really? Really? Finn told you? Well then. Hey, Blaine, Blaine, it’s okay. Shh, sweetie, it’s okay. Sorry, Rach, there’s just a lot going on at the moment. Yes, visit if you want, but Blaine’s not in a good place right now. Sure, sure, that’ll be fine. Okay? See you later. Bye, Rach.”
-
Rachel phones at just before midday.
She’s at their house by one.
Something about the traffic in the city centre being not so bad at this time of day and being able to get out fast.
-
“Who are you?”
Rachel is taken aback by Blaine’s words. She knows Blaine isn’t recognising people, but somehow, experiencing it first hand is very different.
“I’m Rachel, Blaine. I was your friend in High School, and we moved to New York together.”
“No we didn’t. I’ve been asleep, not in New York. I don’t know you.”
“But Blaine, you do. We lived together for years until you married Kurt, and you’ve been my friend since you were in Sophomore year.”
“I haven’t met you before in my life! Stop telling me that I have!”
“Blaine - !”
“No! Kurt, what’s she doing here? Why’s she lying to me? Go away!”
“Sing to him, Rachel, try it,” Kurt hisses into her ear frantically.
“No, Blaine, woah there! Okay, sing, sing sing sing. How about, okay. Let’s try this. Blaine, tonight, tonight, it all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away
tonight, tonight, there’s only you tonight
what you are, what you do, what you say”
And the tension seems to drain from the air, as two, then three voices replace it.
“tonight, all day i had the feeling
a miracle could happen
I know now it was right
for here you are
and what was just a world is a star
tonight”
-
“You go make some tea for us, Rachel. You know where everything is. I just don’t want Blaine to be left alone.”
Rachel leaves the room quickly, eyeing Blaine nervously as soon as they stop singing.
-
They sit together, talk, drink, while Blaine tries to follow a conversation.
But he quickly becomes frustrated and descends into tears once more.
“I think you should leave, Rachel. I’m sorry.”
-
That afternoon, Kurt just holds Blaine while he shakes for a reason that no one will ever be able to unfold.
chapter seven