(Untitled)

[turnthebadinme]

As she woke, bits and pieces of conversation rattled through Serena's mind, images of herself as some uptight bitch and of hearing about Chuck's feelings, the last remnants of a fast-fading dream. Though she'd gone to sleep early enough the night before, the nightmare had canceled out any rest she ought to have gotten, and there was instead a dull

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[renegade_reaper]

Beat'd figured it out eventually. He ain't dumb, much as he sometimes didn't catch on quick. It was hard to miss the entire island turnin' upside down, an' it eventually came to him jus' stayin' in his hut until it was over. 'Course, he didn't know if it'd ever really be over. The kinda stuff Serena had said hit home hard, an' even with a day or two of tellin' himself she obviously didn't mean it (no one did, not with whatever was goin' on, apparently), it'd rung truer than he wanted it to.

He was half asleep when the knockin' started. It took him a while to even stumble to the door, but it didn't take him long to wake up when he saw who it was. His eyes narrowed pretty quickly, an' it took all it had in him not to jus' shut the door on her.

"What?" he said instead, a hard edge to his voice. He ain't in no mood to deal with her if she was still actin' weird. He wasn't gonna take that kinda talk, not from anyone.

[turnthebadinme]

Serena's first instinct, at the sight of him, had been to throw herself forward and hold on. She didn't, though, and in fact found herself drawing back, tensing at his tone. For a moment, no words would come out, her breathing coming harder instead as she fought off the urge to cry. That look was all the confirmation she needed that it had been true after all, when she'd been hoping a bit that it really had been a dream. "I'm sorry. I'm so - I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry."

[renegade_reaper]

He'd been so ready to be closed off an' distant that it almost felt like a shock to hear her say anythin' but more stuff that'd piss him off. His expression softened a little, though it was still guarded.

"Serena?" he asked, like he ain't belevin' it's really her, an' not the person he met a few days ago. "You ain't crazy no more, then?"

[turnthebadinme]

It was a good way to put it, to say she'd been crazy. She wasn't sure how else to make sense of it. On some other day, she would have laughed about that and made jokes, but everything felt too precarious for her to calm down yet.

"I'm so sorry," she said again, fumbling for other words, for explanations she didn't have. "I didn't - I didn't mean it, not any of it. It was - I woke up and I thought I dreamed it all, but I didn't or you wouldn't be mad at me. Which I deserve, because I was awful. It's - it wasn't me, I'm not like that, you know I'm not." Stopping, she took a deep, if shaky breath, blinking quickly and reaching up to push her hair out of her face. She wouldn't cry, she was almost sure, but the threat of it had roughened her voice. Wanting to reach out to him, to touch and be sure of him, she couldn't quite bring herself to, and the sense of waiting on some unspoken permission now after all this time just made everything else worse.

[renegade_reaper]

He coulda figured that out real quick himself, but he needed to hear her say it anyway. It didn't help the way he wanted it to, though. Havin' what she said thrown in his face had brought up a whole lot he'd been ignorin' himself, an' he couldn't just stop thinkin' 'bout it.

"I know you're not," he agreed, not wantin' her to think he hadn't figured out it was...some weird thing the island was doin'. He wasn't mad at her anymore, jus' the situation. "Lotta people were different. Jus'...I dunno. Maybe you hadda point anyway."

He almost had to force himself to say it, knowin' he wouldn't be able to jus' take it back when he did. He couldn't keep his gaze level with hers afterwards, lookin' down at his feet with shoulders slumped.

[turnthebadinme]

Clutching her arms close to herself, she just stared at him, at a loss for words. She had to fight off the urge to turn and just run, maybe to go home and crawl into bed and wake up again later and pretend none of it had ever happened. It didn't make sense. It couldn't be real. She'd made a lot of things disappear by dint of sheer, stubborn will alone.

This wasn't one of those things. "What are you saying?" she asked, brow furrowing as her throat tightened. He couldn't mean that. She wished she hadn't asked. She didn't want clarification. "Don't say that. It's not true."

[renegade_reaper]

There were things he knew he needed to air out. Things that he couldn't jus' keep hidin'. Maybe he'd regret it later, but for now, he jus' hadda say it an' deal. Hand on his shoulder now, he jus' kept starin' down. He woulda lost his nerve otherwise.

"Look, Serena, I ain't like you," he said, keepin' his voice even, even though he was feelin' anythin' but calm doin' this. The only part of him that wasn't tellin' him to shut up was his head, an' he knew he had to follow it this time. "All the parties an' the dressin' up - that ain't me. An' sure, I have an alright time at them when I go, don't get me wrong, but I'm always worryin' I'm not doin' somethin' right, or everyone's jus' lookin' at me like I ain't supposed to be there. Then you have people who can jus' give you stuff like it ain't nothin' - like that camera, you know? An' I can't get nothin' like that for you. I jus' feel like I can't keep up, an' laggin' behind ain't fair to you, either. Maybe you would be happier with someone else."

[turnthebadinme]

"I'm happy with you," Serena protested, shaking her head in bewilderment. Whatever had happened the other day, she hadn't expected this; she'd thought she had left this kind of thing behind back in Manhattan, back with Dan and the battle to find space for them between their respective worlds. It hadn't ever occurred to her it would matter here. "I don't care about the parties and - I won't, I'll give things back, I don't care. None of that matters."

She stopped, took a deep breath. It felt true, but it wasn't, not entirely, and she knew it. The parties, at least, mattered, if only as the one small part of her old self she had left, one thing she could do right. It was pretty clear she was getting everything else all wrong. "You're supposed to be with me," she said, careful, fighting to match his even tone and failing. "The rest of it, everyone else - it doesn't matter what they think or what they give me. It's just... material, it's meaningless. I don't need any of it, just you."

[renegade_reaper]

"No, that ain't - I ain't sayin' you oughta give stuff back," he protested, 'cause it wasn't 'bout makin' her feel guilty, either. He was fine with people givin' her stuff. It was his inability to do the same that was his issue. "I jus' wanna make sure you're sure you really are happy with me, 'cause I'm sure - I'm sure there's guys less -"

He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. Of everythin' that she'd said, what got to him the most - much as he ain't ever gonna admit it - was her callin' him common. It was one thing to sorta feel it sometimes, that difference, but to have it vocalized jus' made it a whole lot worse.

[turnthebadinme]

Any feeling she'd had before of waiting to be allowed anything disappeared in the face of a new, half-formed realization. He wasn't reaching out to her, he wasn't looking at her, he wasn't letting her through the door. He was keeping her at bay, and if she stayed there, she'd already lost.

It was more a vague sense of the truth of this, a fear of her own defeat, than anything reasoned out, and before she'd found words for it, she was stepping in closer, reaching for his hands, tipping her head up to try and catch his eye. "As far as I'm concerned, less is all the other guys are," she insisted. "I love you. I don't want anybody else."

[renegade_reaper]

Beat stilled when she took his hands, though he didn't pull away. He'd spent a whole lotta the last few days convincin' himself it was better this way, first jus' 'cause of what she said to him, an' then, afterwards, jus' because he saw truth in the words. There was no keepin' from holdin' her gaze when she was forcin' it on him, and with it, no way of convincin' himself she didn't mean what she was sayin' either. He took a deep breath, what she was sayin' now hittin' him as hard as the ones before.

"I love you, too," he finally said after a long pause. he knew that ain't anythin' he could deny. It'd even been impossible to do when he didn't know what was goin' on, with how bad he was takin' what happened. He finally lifted his head so she didn't have to duck to see him, an' it was a few more seconds before he finally stepped forward and kissed her. It was almost tentative, even in the way he touched her cheek, like he was ready for her to pull away.

[turnthebadinme]

Sliding her arms up and around, Serena drew him closer, still somewhat uncertain herself. Relieved though she was, it was a bit as if hearing him say that put her just enough at ease to realize how close a thing it had been, how close it perhaps still was. It wasn't like he'd said all that and then started loving her again. She wanted to imagine the problem away, just revel in this turn of events instead, but the idea of it just coming back again worse later was almost too much.

"You better," she murmured when she drew back. Leaning her forehead against his, she bit her lip, willing herself to be calm, to hold herself together. As it was, she knew she was babbling a bit, too fraught not to. "I was so scared, coming over here, and, and - I'd be miserable without you, not happier, just miserable. So don't go thinking you'll make my life better by leaving me."

[renegade_reaper]

Beat knew this didn't mean what was botherin' him would jus'go away. It was a start, though, an' he felt better jus' havin' it out in the open.

"Shoulda told you 'bout this all earlier," he said, though he didn't pull away or nothin'. Part of him felt like if he did, somethin' might happen, or she might change her mind. "I was jus'...tryin' to do the right thing an' I guess I picked wrong."

[turnthebadinme]

Resting her head against his shoulder, she nodded, less an agreement than acknowledgment. "We have to trust each other," she said, then lifted her head again, since she was pretty sure her words were coming out muffled. "After everything else we've told each other, I - you can tell me things, okay? You don't have to spare my feelings or whatever. I want to know."

She didn't have the first clue how to put this right, but she had to hope that was something, at least. As much as she disliked confrontation, it had to be better than losing him.

[renegade_reaper]

He didn't know where things were supposed to go, either, but right then he was jus' happy whatever was goin' on was over. He shoulda realized earlier somethin' had been happenin, but it wasn't like he could take that back now, either.

"Yeah, I know," he sighed, an' with the barriers he'd put up since she broke up with him crumblin', he let himself realize how much he'd missed her. It didn't help everyone else he knew had been goin' crazy too, pretty much. He eventually did pull away, jus' enough to look at her. "You, um, wanna come in for a while?"

He didn't know if she hadda go make right with other people. For the moment, they were good enough where he would get if she hadda go somewhere.

[turnthebadinme]

Truthfully, Serena had all but forgotten about the other people she was supposed to track down. Later she would feel badly about that, but right then, her thoughts were taken up with this, with him, and worried though she still was, it was a bit of a relief to have an excuse not to think about the things she'd said to Nita or Chuck or the others.

So she nodded, drawing the rest of the way back without yet really letting go, her hand finding one of his again, as if keeping hold of him were the only way to be sure he didn't get away. "So we're okay, right?" she asked, looking over as she headed inside, wide-eyed and worried. "I mean, we still have to talk, but... but we're okay. What I said, before, when I was... it doesn't count, right? We're still..."