(no subject)
Ugh. Today has been stressful. This morning was my NYU audition, so I rose, showered, got my stuff together, all in plenty of time to arrive early. Except, that when I got on the subway I left my folder with ALL of my resumes, statements of purpose, headshots and transcripts sitting on the bench at the station. ACK! I realized this about 4 stops later, doubled back, and of course, it wasn't there. Then I got to my transfer, and I was so frazzled I accidentally got on the uptown instead of the downtown train. So at this point I'm freaking out and starting to shake as I feel a major anxiety attack coming on. I managed to calm myself down somewhat after I checked in my sitting with my head down and focusing on long, deep breaths. So then I go in for my audition and I'm flustered, and nervous and still a little freaked. It was one of those situations where you perform and then afterwards go, "What the hell just happened?" It went alright, definitely not terrible, but not fantastic either. I'm just so frustrated with myself for being so scatterbrained. The monologues went fine, but the song was a little shakey. I sounded good and solid at first, but when I got to the first chorus I forgot to breathe and I cracked just a little on the high note. Great. I just feel like such an idiot. Thank god I've really been preparing or it could have been even worse. I'm just so hard on myself about these things, I know I shouldn't, but I keep going over and over this morning in my head. I've always liked to think of myself as an opptimist, but really, I'm about as pessimistic as it gets. I know that one bad day won't ruin my whole future, but I can't help feeling like it will. That just because I screwed up today everything else is going to fall apart too. I just need to calm down and regroup and get ready for U/RTA and Hunter and Sarah Lawrence and let this go. And this is all stemming from an audition that wasn't that bad, the monologues went really well and the judges were super nice. I just wish I could be a calmer, more centered person, but I'm not. I'm an anxious, stressed out, pessimistic tension case. Why is it so hard to feel good about myself and all my accomplishments and the fact that I do have great potential and opportunities ahead of me and to not let one day, one tiny day get in the way of everything. Damn. Well, at least the Ducks won last night!
On a more positive note. I'm so happy to be here with Margie and get to see all my old friends. We're going to dinner and then were going to see the new Richard Foreman piece. So that should be good. And I've got my stuff being replaced and overnighted so I should be able to drop off my headshot/resume with NYU by Tuesday (They were really cool about it, so that was nice) and have everything here for U/RTA. I just need to relax, enjoy the evening and realize that I can't change what has happened, I just have to keep going and know that one bump in the road doesn't mean that I can't keep going.
On a more positive note. I'm so happy to be here with Margie and get to see all my old friends. We're going to dinner and then were going to see the new Richard Foreman piece. So that should be good. And I've got my stuff being replaced and overnighted so I should be able to drop off my headshot/resume with NYU by Tuesday (They were really cool about it, so that was nice) and have everything here for U/RTA. I just need to relax, enjoy the evening and realize that I can't change what has happened, I just have to keep going and know that one bump in the road doesn't mean that I can't keep going.