Apr 24, 2010 00:56
i think the sad thing is..i'm getting used to this single life...and i like it. i don't have to worry about anyone else for dinner, etc. im free to make my own plans. im free to comment on the attractiveness of a particular person without feeling guilty. sure im terribly lonely sometimes, but its good to live in a house with so many people. i think that's the number 1 reason i cant move home next year- id be TERRIBLY depressed.
of course i miss brian, and my heart aches at the knowledge of his loneliness and sadness at not being here. i wish he was here tonight to hang out with everyone too...but at the same time i know he would've wanted to stay in my bed and would have wanted me to snuggle and kiss him (and if he were here i would have wanted those things too really...) and that's not what i need right now.
i need time to remember who i am by myself. i need time to decide what it is i want in this life.
brian came up for dinner on sunday, and while it was really nice to see him and catch up....he just looked so fucking cute...he dressed up for me and he looked SO good...but...it was really difficult for me in the sense that i don't really want to fall back into the old routine with him. when he's not here it's easy to try and move on (even if the moving on isn't necessarily going to be forever...who knows maybe in the end it'll be him that i need), and it makes me more miserable and guilty. his coming here set me back in the misery department. was that why i got so drunk on monday/fucked up on tuesday? or was i trying to suppress/release something else?
i wish he had been able to enjoy marathon monday and 420 with us here...i wish he hadnt been afraid to do so because of me. why cant we just hang out as friends with friends? that's what i would like most right now- for him to come here and try being my friend.
i think that was the worst part about sunday. everything was fine until he asked if we could hang out in my room privately by ourselves. i liked hanging out with him with people, or even by ourselves in public...but punkin, it's WAY too soon to ask me to be alone with you in a room we used to share. do you understand how conflicting that was to me? do you understand how difficult and painful it was? how much i am agonizing over that right now? you'll never see me as a friend, will you? you'll always want that...benefit aspect. you haven't changed in that regard- in your tactics. i know you and i know what you want when you want it- don't spell it out, i'll act if i feel like acting on your hints. if not, back off or else ill be angry. simple as that? you should know that by now...
so why, then, did he not come back for monday and tuesday? was it because i said no? is that why he wont answer any of my texts? i do feel horrible about everything- but i can't help how i feel sadly. i understand, i think, how he feels, but i also understand how i feel and i can't help it.
i'm dreading that the spark is gone...and while i love him to death, and we would probably make a great husband and wife etc etc...i don't think i can do it anymore. but how do i tell him that? how am i, myself, sure that this is true? ugh idk.
part of me wants to go out and go crazy and meet new people. but the majority of me doesnt want to meet new people- if a new person is going to come around romantically i'd rather it be from someone i already know or someone i will inevitably meet in the future (ie at my new job or in grad school etc). one thing i'm sure of is i'm not outright looking for anyone new. i like the single life (for now at least) and i'm still hung up on some certain issues.
it's tough. i feel guilty. brian i love you, but you deserve better than this. no one deserves to be stuck with the crazy that is me. ugh. brian, i'm sorry- you are the sweetest guy...and i feel terrible doing this to you.
*sigh* this is awful. i am awful. what can i do though? i can't help how i feel.
damn cognition. why did humans develop this sense of feeling and love? it's a painful trick you're playing evolution. terrible. terrible...