MORE MAKIN' OUT POSTS
in keeping with recent themes 'round here, we 'gonna talk about makin' out. AGAIN.
i've always found the terms "good kisser" and "bad kisser" to be rather confusing, which is to say that I've never understood quite what people mean when they say them. If someone says to me "that Bob is a bad basketball player," i can generally imagine what that might entail; he can't dribble very well, runs spastically, constantly misses shots, etc (not that i would know anything about this) -- But i've never understood what exactly makes someone a 'good' or 'bad' makeout partner. I've never been a makeout slut [but i think i just found a new years' resolution!]; I can count the number of people i've made out with on two hands -- so i thought that maybe i was just missing something or didn't have very discerning taste. It never really worried me, since i've only ever gotten compliments, but whenever i'd hear someone talking about it it would strike me that i had no idea what precisely constitutes one or the other.
that was until tonight, anyways, when i realized that it has little to do with knowing anything about kissing and just about everything to do with who you're with. Apparently, once you run into a bad kisser, you know it. if you don't think you've ever kissed a bad kisser, you either:
a) have ONLY kissed decent/good kissers, or
b) have ONLY kissed bad/horrible kissers and never knew it.
i don't know about you, but lucky for me i fall in the former category. i imagine most people would, unless you're really unlucky.
i realized this tonight while reading a [very funny] dude's blog, wherein he posed the same question [original post here, w/ comments]. apparently i was not the only one who had no idea what made someone a good or bad kisser, so he asked for input from random internet folk.
allow me to share some excerpts*, because they were hilarious and informative.
The Cement Mixer:
I had one experience with a bad kisser that I will never forget. I was at a high school party and was flirting with this pretty hot cheerleader type. Couple of keg cups later we were in the back room making out... but to my surprise and dismay she kissed like cement mixer. Her tongue was fully extended and rolled in a circular fashion endlessly. It was exhausting.
The Shy Turtle: (my personal favorite)
I made out with this guy once that I will call the shy turtle. his tongue would poke out in my mouth and then dart back, scared and shy, back in to his own mouth. he then did this really weird lizard thing with even more darting and reverting. Let's just say it was a magically animal planet experience.
The Dead Fish, The Lesbian & The Anne Frank:
I've kissed quite a few girls over my two decades of life, and I can say that there are people that I did not particularly enjoy kissing.
1. The dead fish. No response whatsoever. Just kinda hanging there with her mouth open.
2. The lesbian. Not actually gay, but should have been. Used her tounge like a pneumatic drill and basically tounge-fucked my mouth. I felt violated.
3. For lack of a creative name, "Not-so-agressive girl!" Her tounge was hiding like Anne Frank, and only came out after some prodding, and even then, it was sleepy and wanted to go back to bed.
The Tongue of Rock and The Hygenist:
Bad girl kissers... well, I have to say the ladies are generally better at it (maybe 'cause that whole stubble factor gets thrown out). Memorable bad female kisses I've endured include The Tongue of Rock, who inserted a stiff tongue and then let it just sit there; and The Hygienist, who continually ran her tongue in the crevice between my lips and gums. And I mean continually, like this was her whole kissing technique. Ick.
Pomade Lips:
I've kissed one girl that stood out as a horrible kisser. Her lips were huge, and when we were done I felt like she had covered my face in pomade.
The Slippery Snake:
In addition to those responses, I'd like to add the kissers who explore your mouth like they're doing some braille dental work with their tongue, and also the ones who flail their tongues at light speed. (Shudder)
The Nose-Sucker: (!!!)
I dimly recall my most recent ex as a terrible kisser. Not only did he seem fully intent on licking my tonsils, he used to break off every so often to suck my nose. There is no bigger turn off.
The I-Don't-Even-Know What:
I've just got to add a new species of bad kisses to the list. My buddies and I, about 3 or 4 of whom managed a sample (not at the same time you perverts... though once the legend was out, I'm pretty sure 2 tried to "teach her how to kiss..." ahh... small town memories) called her the "Ahra Ahra" girl. Her "technique" was to open and close her mouth rapidly, such that if it was open, she could have been saying "Ahrahrahrahrahra." The more excited she was, the faster the mouth moved. Quite distracting if I remember correctly...
The Tongue-Sucker:
I dated a guy once that sucked so hard on my tongue the first time he kissed me that the little flap of skin under my tongue almost tore. It was sore for a week.
The Drooler: (a lot of these, apparently, though this was one of the better descriptions)
I once dated a fella who was the most AWFUL kisser! He just opened his mouth (fairly slack - think Cletus on the Simpsons), didn't really move and - ugh - DROOLED! Not like a baby, but he was seriously saliva-y and I'd end up with a mouthful in nothing flat. Just horrible.
The Scraper:
I've only had one bad kisser. She had a big, strong tongue. She used this tongue to... how do i describe it? Rub/scrape at the roof of my mouth. Like my mouth had a G-spot, and she was trying to give me a weird mouthial 'gasm.
* some of you may notice that these descriptions are very female-centric. this is not because there were more stories about bad girl kissers than guys, but because most of the more hilarious descriptions just happened to be guys posting about girls, and most of the bad guy kisser stories were pretty heavily centered around lots of drooling and face-eating, which is, as you now or will soon know, is pretty vanilla compared to some of these other make-out idiosyncracies.
after reading everyone's horror stories i didn't know what to think. On one hand, i never ever want to run into any of these types; I think if someone pulled a "shy turtle" or "hygenist" on me i'd just start laughing uncontrollably and probably kill them with embarassment as a result (then again, if a girl started sucking on my nose, that would just be scary as hell and i have no idea what i'd think (EARS NOT NOSES PEOPLE)). On the other hand, though, i have become insatiably curious about who these people are. DO I KNOW ANY OF YOU PEOPLE? These people could be my best friends, and i'd never know. -and for some reason, that fascinates me. Unfortunately, the only way i could ever find any of this out would be to either a) track down everyone that a person has ever made out with and ask them and hope for an honest answer or b) make out with everyone i know. I suppose option B isn't really all that bad, except that it probably wouldn't bode too well for most of my friendships, doubly so for most of the males (i suspect). platonic making out does not, unfortunately, have a good track record.
somewhere along the line, though, someone made a comment that is probably pretty close to the truth; "Good kissers aren't born. They luck out and experience their first kiss with an existing good kisser." This would make sense, and for that reason i am glad that i didn't happen to share my first kiss with a tongue-sucking face-eater, because i might have thought that was normal. Still, though, i was reading these testimonials and i just couldn't believe that people would actually try these; I like to think that even if I'd have kissed a horrible kisser first, I would have thought something weird was going on when I had to wipe my whole face off afterwards.
unfortunately, it's hard to make out with people via the internet (someday! *crosses fingers*). So instead of making out with all of you, how about some of you share bad make-out stories with me instead of saliva? you know you want to. someone's gotta have one.
i've always found the terms "good kisser" and "bad kisser" to be rather confusing, which is to say that I've never understood quite what people mean when they say them. If someone says to me "that Bob is a bad basketball player," i can generally imagine what that might entail; he can't dribble very well, runs spastically, constantly misses shots, etc (not that i would know anything about this) -- But i've never understood what exactly makes someone a 'good' or 'bad' makeout partner. I've never been a makeout slut [but i think i just found a new years' resolution!]; I can count the number of people i've made out with on two hands -- so i thought that maybe i was just missing something or didn't have very discerning taste. It never really worried me, since i've only ever gotten compliments, but whenever i'd hear someone talking about it it would strike me that i had no idea what precisely constitutes one or the other.
that was until tonight, anyways, when i realized that it has little to do with knowing anything about kissing and just about everything to do with who you're with. Apparently, once you run into a bad kisser, you know it. if you don't think you've ever kissed a bad kisser, you either:
a) have ONLY kissed decent/good kissers, or
b) have ONLY kissed bad/horrible kissers and never knew it.
i don't know about you, but lucky for me i fall in the former category. i imagine most people would, unless you're really unlucky.
i realized this tonight while reading a [very funny] dude's blog, wherein he posed the same question [original post here, w/ comments]. apparently i was not the only one who had no idea what made someone a good or bad kisser, so he asked for input from random internet folk.
allow me to share some excerpts*, because they were hilarious and informative.
The Cement Mixer:
I had one experience with a bad kisser that I will never forget. I was at a high school party and was flirting with this pretty hot cheerleader type. Couple of keg cups later we were in the back room making out... but to my surprise and dismay she kissed like cement mixer. Her tongue was fully extended and rolled in a circular fashion endlessly. It was exhausting.
The Shy Turtle: (my personal favorite)
I made out with this guy once that I will call the shy turtle. his tongue would poke out in my mouth and then dart back, scared and shy, back in to his own mouth. he then did this really weird lizard thing with even more darting and reverting. Let's just say it was a magically animal planet experience.
The Dead Fish, The Lesbian & The Anne Frank:
I've kissed quite a few girls over my two decades of life, and I can say that there are people that I did not particularly enjoy kissing.
1. The dead fish. No response whatsoever. Just kinda hanging there with her mouth open.
2. The lesbian. Not actually gay, but should have been. Used her tounge like a pneumatic drill and basically tounge-fucked my mouth. I felt violated.
3. For lack of a creative name, "Not-so-agressive girl!" Her tounge was hiding like Anne Frank, and only came out after some prodding, and even then, it was sleepy and wanted to go back to bed.
The Tongue of Rock and The Hygenist:
Bad girl kissers... well, I have to say the ladies are generally better at it (maybe 'cause that whole stubble factor gets thrown out). Memorable bad female kisses I've endured include The Tongue of Rock, who inserted a stiff tongue and then let it just sit there; and The Hygienist, who continually ran her tongue in the crevice between my lips and gums. And I mean continually, like this was her whole kissing technique. Ick.
Pomade Lips:
I've kissed one girl that stood out as a horrible kisser. Her lips were huge, and when we were done I felt like she had covered my face in pomade.
The Slippery Snake:
In addition to those responses, I'd like to add the kissers who explore your mouth like they're doing some braille dental work with their tongue, and also the ones who flail their tongues at light speed. (Shudder)
The Nose-Sucker: (!!!)
I dimly recall my most recent ex as a terrible kisser. Not only did he seem fully intent on licking my tonsils, he used to break off every so often to suck my nose. There is no bigger turn off.
The I-Don't-Even-Know What:
I've just got to add a new species of bad kisses to the list. My buddies and I, about 3 or 4 of whom managed a sample (not at the same time you perverts... though once the legend was out, I'm pretty sure 2 tried to "teach her how to kiss..." ahh... small town memories) called her the "Ahra Ahra" girl. Her "technique" was to open and close her mouth rapidly, such that if it was open, she could have been saying "Ahrahrahrahrahra." The more excited she was, the faster the mouth moved. Quite distracting if I remember correctly...
The Tongue-Sucker:
I dated a guy once that sucked so hard on my tongue the first time he kissed me that the little flap of skin under my tongue almost tore. It was sore for a week.
The Drooler: (a lot of these, apparently, though this was one of the better descriptions)
I once dated a fella who was the most AWFUL kisser! He just opened his mouth (fairly slack - think Cletus on the Simpsons), didn't really move and - ugh - DROOLED! Not like a baby, but he was seriously saliva-y and I'd end up with a mouthful in nothing flat. Just horrible.
The Scraper:
I've only had one bad kisser. She had a big, strong tongue. She used this tongue to... how do i describe it? Rub/scrape at the roof of my mouth. Like my mouth had a G-spot, and she was trying to give me a weird mouthial 'gasm.
* some of you may notice that these descriptions are very female-centric. this is not because there were more stories about bad girl kissers than guys, but because most of the more hilarious descriptions just happened to be guys posting about girls, and most of the bad guy kisser stories were pretty heavily centered around lots of drooling and face-eating, which is, as you now or will soon know, is pretty vanilla compared to some of these other make-out idiosyncracies.
after reading everyone's horror stories i didn't know what to think. On one hand, i never ever want to run into any of these types; I think if someone pulled a "shy turtle" or "hygenist" on me i'd just start laughing uncontrollably and probably kill them with embarassment as a result (then again, if a girl started sucking on my nose, that would just be scary as hell and i have no idea what i'd think (EARS NOT NOSES PEOPLE)). On the other hand, though, i have become insatiably curious about who these people are. DO I KNOW ANY OF YOU PEOPLE? These people could be my best friends, and i'd never know. -and for some reason, that fascinates me. Unfortunately, the only way i could ever find any of this out would be to either a) track down everyone that a person has ever made out with and ask them and hope for an honest answer or b) make out with everyone i know. I suppose option B isn't really all that bad, except that it probably wouldn't bode too well for most of my friendships, doubly so for most of the males (i suspect). platonic making out does not, unfortunately, have a good track record.
somewhere along the line, though, someone made a comment that is probably pretty close to the truth; "Good kissers aren't born. They luck out and experience their first kiss with an existing good kisser." This would make sense, and for that reason i am glad that i didn't happen to share my first kiss with a tongue-sucking face-eater, because i might have thought that was normal. Still, though, i was reading these testimonials and i just couldn't believe that people would actually try these; I like to think that even if I'd have kissed a horrible kisser first, I would have thought something weird was going on when I had to wipe my whole face off afterwards.
unfortunately, it's hard to make out with people via the internet (someday! *crosses fingers*). So instead of making out with all of you, how about some of you share bad make-out stories with me instead of saliva? you know you want to. someone's gotta have one.