(no subject)
Questions questions! Boy parents are nosy! Where were you so late? Why didnt you call? Who is this kid? Yatta yatta yatta!! Makes you think the streets are lined with killers after 9pm. Like they listen to the answers anyway. Sometimes, I think they don't know me at all. It's like I'm some kind of thing they have to take care of, not something they actually want.
I've been writing in this thing for awhile now and it weird, how quickly the time seems to fly by in the diary, but it was a time of great events, of confusion, excitement and discovery. This was when I first set foot upon the emotional roller coaster: infatuation, lust, love and loss. The too-frequent periods of a lovers absence dragged endlessly on, and the moments of joy flashed by in an instant. These were some of the worst years of my life; but they were also the best. In this time I experienced a strange dichotomy: the glorious rising sun of developing relationships, and the gathering storm clouds of hatred and death.
One of the major things that I am facing right now is completely coming out to my parents. It is a big feat, being as my mother already hates me and she has a major case of homophobia. While I may not be homosexual, I am pansexual, which she will probably see as being even worse that lesbian. "Homosexuality is against nature, a perversion, a 'biological error', a sin condemned by the bible." These are all lies constantly being pushed by religious extremists and they unrelentingly strive to make their religious dogma into law to oppress and persecute gays. Strangely, many blacks, mostly of the Southern Baptist variety, supported this homophobia. They should have known better you would think, didn't they experience much the same? It seems that religion overrides race.
Do I seem bitter? Well I am and I feel rightly so. You may have deduced that my parents raised me in the Baptist tradition, and like the vast majority of people I accepted what I was told without question. Without question... the bible in two verses specifically commands that questioning and logic be rejected, as faith is what counts. I went beyond questioning, I rejected it totally. After all why would I give my allegiance to any group which says they hate me? No matter how they tried to disguise it that is what they were saying. To this day I consider myself an atheist, though of those religions which I have examined, the Wiccan faith seems most tolerant as expressed in their Rede. The short form is "An it harm none, do as ye will.", far superior to the Golden Rule.
After all, which is the greater sin, to preach hatred and persecution, or 'distasteful' activities which harm no one? And they do see those activities as being the bulk of 'gayness', neglecting the fact that it is largely an emotional matter, they condemn love as sin. Sorry if I offend those few of you who practice christianity in the true manner. It seems that in Christ's time, as in many parts of the world today, homosexuality was not an issue, he never mentioned it. He taught love, not hate, unlike these others who have earned my disrespect.
December, a cold blanket of death covers the world, the icy tears sift slowly down. It's funny, I write some pretty depressing things in here, but what I've written here aren't even the most painful memories of all. There at what seemed to be the peak of my ecstasy, I was ripped apart forever, my dreams and hopes erased by hatred as if they were nothing at all.
What insane world is this that a beautiful soul can be so tortured, so mutilated that it wants only to cease existing? I can't answer that...maybe someday He will explain it to me.
The anniversary of my first suicide attempt is coming up. It was a Saturday, when I cut myself and the following day I slit my wrist. My mother went into shock when she found me pouring my life out at the computer, they thought she would die too. She recovered but my guilt remains. Some days stand out in those all too brief months, beacons of happiness almost overwhelmed by the long gray months which followed. But there was a happy ending; failing my two suicide attempts turned out to be the best that could happen.
I've been writing in this thing for awhile now and it weird, how quickly the time seems to fly by in the diary, but it was a time of great events, of confusion, excitement and discovery. This was when I first set foot upon the emotional roller coaster: infatuation, lust, love and loss. The too-frequent periods of a lovers absence dragged endlessly on, and the moments of joy flashed by in an instant. These were some of the worst years of my life; but they were also the best. In this time I experienced a strange dichotomy: the glorious rising sun of developing relationships, and the gathering storm clouds of hatred and death.
One of the major things that I am facing right now is completely coming out to my parents. It is a big feat, being as my mother already hates me and she has a major case of homophobia. While I may not be homosexual, I am pansexual, which she will probably see as being even worse that lesbian. "Homosexuality is against nature, a perversion, a 'biological error', a sin condemned by the bible." These are all lies constantly being pushed by religious extremists and they unrelentingly strive to make their religious dogma into law to oppress and persecute gays. Strangely, many blacks, mostly of the Southern Baptist variety, supported this homophobia. They should have known better you would think, didn't they experience much the same? It seems that religion overrides race.
Do I seem bitter? Well I am and I feel rightly so. You may have deduced that my parents raised me in the Baptist tradition, and like the vast majority of people I accepted what I was told without question. Without question... the bible in two verses specifically commands that questioning and logic be rejected, as faith is what counts. I went beyond questioning, I rejected it totally. After all why would I give my allegiance to any group which says they hate me? No matter how they tried to disguise it that is what they were saying. To this day I consider myself an atheist, though of those religions which I have examined, the Wiccan faith seems most tolerant as expressed in their Rede. The short form is "An it harm none, do as ye will.", far superior to the Golden Rule.
After all, which is the greater sin, to preach hatred and persecution, or 'distasteful' activities which harm no one? And they do see those activities as being the bulk of 'gayness', neglecting the fact that it is largely an emotional matter, they condemn love as sin. Sorry if I offend those few of you who practice christianity in the true manner. It seems that in Christ's time, as in many parts of the world today, homosexuality was not an issue, he never mentioned it. He taught love, not hate, unlike these others who have earned my disrespect.
December, a cold blanket of death covers the world, the icy tears sift slowly down. It's funny, I write some pretty depressing things in here, but what I've written here aren't even the most painful memories of all. There at what seemed to be the peak of my ecstasy, I was ripped apart forever, my dreams and hopes erased by hatred as if they were nothing at all.
What insane world is this that a beautiful soul can be so tortured, so mutilated that it wants only to cease existing? I can't answer that...maybe someday He will explain it to me.
The anniversary of my first suicide attempt is coming up. It was a Saturday, when I cut myself and the following day I slit my wrist. My mother went into shock when she found me pouring my life out at the computer, they thought she would die too. She recovered but my guilt remains. Some days stand out in those all too brief months, beacons of happiness almost overwhelmed by the long gray months which followed. But there was a happy ending; failing my two suicide attempts turned out to be the best that could happen.