A guide for first-time scientific conference attendees
Will write more later, but put this together on the flight back. Enjoy!
Conference accommodations
Always smaller and more expensive than expected. Typically shared with several other lab mates, past or present. Keys to joint accommodations often become a valuable commodity; always make an effort to keep control of the keys, and only give them up in return for food or drink.
Meals included in the price of registration/boarding
Typically small, bad, and often served after the plenary talks begin. Even if meals are included, always pack food in your luggage, and don’t forget that food served at coffee breaks or group lunches can be hoarded and saved for later.
Abstract books
Look nice on your shelf after meetings. No one actually reads them, though.
Nametag
An identifier that is invariably flipped the wrong way, particularly when you meet a colleague you should know, but whose name you can’t remember. Often the only way to identify important faculty members whose papers you’ve read, but who you’ve never met in person.
Drink tickets
Another valuable commodity at conferences, these are small coupons that can be exchanged for a drink at receptions, poster sessions, and so forth. Conference organizers use these to encourage conference-goers to attend otherwise-boring events.
Plenary talk
A speech by someone who was too important to come to the meeting, but agreed to do so because the organizing committee granted them permission to ramble on for three or four times as long as they let you peons talk.
Session
These talks all have the same word in the title, so they’re grouped together even though they really have nothing to do with each other.
Symposium
A special session, usually put together by someone who wants all of the other three people in the world who work on their obscure topic to attend the meeting. Often, symposium coordinators allow people in the symposium to speak for more or less time than people in the regular sessions, making it nearly impossible to switch from listening to a regular session to a symposium or vice-versa. This ensures that at the end of the conference, there will still only be three people who work on that obscure topic.
Session Chair
The person whose job it is to keep colleagues on time; these people invariably cut off other speakers and prevent people from asking questions about other talks, and then go several minutes over when it's their turn to present and allow people to ask questions even though they're out of time.
Friend
A person whose talk you attend even though you don't work on anything even remotely related to the subject on which they work.
Colleague
Someone who presents a talk or a poster at the conference you attend; generally, these people are very likable, but their talks are boring as hell and they say ‘um’ too much. Interactions with them are often more fruitful if you corner them at the poster session, or any other event where they’re likely to have had too much to drink.
Business meeting
The portion of the conference where the people who have too much time on their hands get together and pretend that the other members of the organization have a say in what goes on in the society. Students are usually looked at oddly if they attend one of these events; presumably, if students are present, faculty have to hide the alcoholic beverages they consume in order to make it through the business meeting with their sanity intact.
Talk
The real reason (aside from an excuse to not get work done for four or five days) conferences exist. Talks are always too short if they are on a topic you’re interested in, and much too long if not. While talks are theoretically a method of presenting interesting findings to colleagues, they’re really an excuse to promote the importance of the speaker and the speaker’s work, and often come across as a glorified commercial.
Poster
A graphical way to say ‘my p-value was greater than 0.05.’ Typically presented in lieu of a talk.
Poster Session
Invariably loud and crowded. This is because poster sessions are usually a valuable source of good, free hors d'oeuvres, and, more importantly, alcohol. Unfortunately, those ‘giving’ posters rarely get to partake of this repast, and those ‘attending’ the poster session rarely go talk to people presenting posters, because they’re too busy eating and drinking. Also see drink tickets.
Rooms where talks are given
Generally located as far apart as possible to maximize the effort required to switch sessions.
Field trips
Mysterious places where faculty go to get away from the conference. Typically too expensive for graduate students.
Exhibits
Actually places where you can buy things, usually books. Said books are always too expensive for students, but looking through them is a good way to avoid going to talks while still seeming to do something productive.
“See you next year!”
This phrase, used to say good-bye to colleagues, really means “Hooray! 12 months until I have to hear you say ‘um’ again!”
Conference accommodations
Always smaller and more expensive than expected. Typically shared with several other lab mates, past or present. Keys to joint accommodations often become a valuable commodity; always make an effort to keep control of the keys, and only give them up in return for food or drink.
Meals included in the price of registration/boarding
Typically small, bad, and often served after the plenary talks begin. Even if meals are included, always pack food in your luggage, and don’t forget that food served at coffee breaks or group lunches can be hoarded and saved for later.
Abstract books
Look nice on your shelf after meetings. No one actually reads them, though.
Nametag
An identifier that is invariably flipped the wrong way, particularly when you meet a colleague you should know, but whose name you can’t remember. Often the only way to identify important faculty members whose papers you’ve read, but who you’ve never met in person.
Drink tickets
Another valuable commodity at conferences, these are small coupons that can be exchanged for a drink at receptions, poster sessions, and so forth. Conference organizers use these to encourage conference-goers to attend otherwise-boring events.
Plenary talk
A speech by someone who was too important to come to the meeting, but agreed to do so because the organizing committee granted them permission to ramble on for three or four times as long as they let you peons talk.
Session
These talks all have the same word in the title, so they’re grouped together even though they really have nothing to do with each other.
Symposium
A special session, usually put together by someone who wants all of the other three people in the world who work on their obscure topic to attend the meeting. Often, symposium coordinators allow people in the symposium to speak for more or less time than people in the regular sessions, making it nearly impossible to switch from listening to a regular session to a symposium or vice-versa. This ensures that at the end of the conference, there will still only be three people who work on that obscure topic.
Session Chair
The person whose job it is to keep colleagues on time; these people invariably cut off other speakers and prevent people from asking questions about other talks, and then go several minutes over when it's their turn to present and allow people to ask questions even though they're out of time.
Friend
A person whose talk you attend even though you don't work on anything even remotely related to the subject on which they work.
Colleague
Someone who presents a talk or a poster at the conference you attend; generally, these people are very likable, but their talks are boring as hell and they say ‘um’ too much. Interactions with them are often more fruitful if you corner them at the poster session, or any other event where they’re likely to have had too much to drink.
Business meeting
The portion of the conference where the people who have too much time on their hands get together and pretend that the other members of the organization have a say in what goes on in the society. Students are usually looked at oddly if they attend one of these events; presumably, if students are present, faculty have to hide the alcoholic beverages they consume in order to make it through the business meeting with their sanity intact.
Talk
The real reason (aside from an excuse to not get work done for four or five days) conferences exist. Talks are always too short if they are on a topic you’re interested in, and much too long if not. While talks are theoretically a method of presenting interesting findings to colleagues, they’re really an excuse to promote the importance of the speaker and the speaker’s work, and often come across as a glorified commercial.
Poster
A graphical way to say ‘my p-value was greater than 0.05.’ Typically presented in lieu of a talk.
Poster Session
Invariably loud and crowded. This is because poster sessions are usually a valuable source of good, free hors d'oeuvres, and, more importantly, alcohol. Unfortunately, those ‘giving’ posters rarely get to partake of this repast, and those ‘attending’ the poster session rarely go talk to people presenting posters, because they’re too busy eating and drinking. Also see drink tickets.
Rooms where talks are given
Generally located as far apart as possible to maximize the effort required to switch sessions.
Field trips
Mysterious places where faculty go to get away from the conference. Typically too expensive for graduate students.
Exhibits
Actually places where you can buy things, usually books. Said books are always too expensive for students, but looking through them is a good way to avoid going to talks while still seeming to do something productive.
“See you next year!”
This phrase, used to say good-bye to colleagues, really means “Hooray! 12 months until I have to hear you say ‘um’ again!”