Me
I don't feel the need to defend myself. I've made some mistakes in my life now, and I can deal with that. The world came crashing down on me and some how without the help of those I held closest to me, I'm starting to make it.
I miss people. I miss Dom and Jazz Jason and Jason (who I talked to last week, god I love Boyd) and I miss Robbie and Joe. And I am almost 100% sure that the majority of those people are against me and will never really know what I did and why I really did it. And today I realized that I'm ok with that. Mainly because I know I have great friends out there. People who understand me. People who know what's it's like to have the whole world against you. Or atleast be able to reach out to me when I have no one else there. I wish I could see these people every day. But they're in places like South Bend, or Indianapolis, or Washington DC. And I miss them and I love them.
Today I realized that I'm happy. I get to spend every night hanging out with two very cool people. And ya we spend a lot of time hanging out on the couch watching tv or playing video games (oh my god i'm a guy) but we have fun, and we laugh. How many of you can say you hang out with all of your roommates nearly every night. At the apartment I don't think there was one night where the four of us just sat around having a good time. In fact it got to the point where none of us sat around together really.
I think some relationships are doomed to end. You think everything is fine because you make them fine. You hide all the things about each other that bother you, but those little things add up and eventually you just don't want to be around that person anymore. Somethings just have to end. Because some people are just not meant to be with each other. Sometimes it seems that person would be the one stable thing you could ever have. But it's not true. Because a trust falls and a hatred grows. I don't hate anyone. People can have their own opinions about me. People can read my letter written in "blue marker" (cause apparently some people don't know what a blue felt pen writes like) I just don't care. I wish that some things were different. But I know now the truth that lies inside of some people, and that makes me sad.
The majority of the people in this world hit real life hard. And I feel that for those that used to surround me, that may be the case for them as well. I know that some of them have already experienced it, which makes me wonder why those among them pushed me away so hard. I don't want pity, I don't want to mend friendships, I simply want to write what i've been thinking about the past few weeks. But for those of you who have it easy right now and haven't had a hard hit at reality yet. Maybe when that hit comes, think about me. Think about the pain I caused myself and my family and think about how I had to do that without the moral support of any of my friends.
On a somewhat related note, I would like to add to all this that I think it is completely juvenile and disrespectful to use someone's full name without their permission on your live journal. I can't even comprehend the purpose of this. And no one can pull the "it's my lj so if you don't like it don't read it" bullshit because you put it out for all the world to see. And a person's name is something that belongs to the person. If you can't respect people when you speak of them especially when they are good caring people who have done a great deal of good to help those around them, then don't speak of that person at all, or if you can't handle that then don't tarnish their last name by using it when you shouldn't be.
I miss people. I miss Dom and Jazz Jason and Jason (who I talked to last week, god I love Boyd) and I miss Robbie and Joe. And I am almost 100% sure that the majority of those people are against me and will never really know what I did and why I really did it. And today I realized that I'm ok with that. Mainly because I know I have great friends out there. People who understand me. People who know what's it's like to have the whole world against you. Or atleast be able to reach out to me when I have no one else there. I wish I could see these people every day. But they're in places like South Bend, or Indianapolis, or Washington DC. And I miss them and I love them.
Today I realized that I'm happy. I get to spend every night hanging out with two very cool people. And ya we spend a lot of time hanging out on the couch watching tv or playing video games (oh my god i'm a guy) but we have fun, and we laugh. How many of you can say you hang out with all of your roommates nearly every night. At the apartment I don't think there was one night where the four of us just sat around having a good time. In fact it got to the point where none of us sat around together really.
I think some relationships are doomed to end. You think everything is fine because you make them fine. You hide all the things about each other that bother you, but those little things add up and eventually you just don't want to be around that person anymore. Somethings just have to end. Because some people are just not meant to be with each other. Sometimes it seems that person would be the one stable thing you could ever have. But it's not true. Because a trust falls and a hatred grows. I don't hate anyone. People can have their own opinions about me. People can read my letter written in "blue marker" (cause apparently some people don't know what a blue felt pen writes like) I just don't care. I wish that some things were different. But I know now the truth that lies inside of some people, and that makes me sad.
The majority of the people in this world hit real life hard. And I feel that for those that used to surround me, that may be the case for them as well. I know that some of them have already experienced it, which makes me wonder why those among them pushed me away so hard. I don't want pity, I don't want to mend friendships, I simply want to write what i've been thinking about the past few weeks. But for those of you who have it easy right now and haven't had a hard hit at reality yet. Maybe when that hit comes, think about me. Think about the pain I caused myself and my family and think about how I had to do that without the moral support of any of my friends.
On a somewhat related note, I would like to add to all this that I think it is completely juvenile and disrespectful to use someone's full name without their permission on your live journal. I can't even comprehend the purpose of this. And no one can pull the "it's my lj so if you don't like it don't read it" bullshit because you put it out for all the world to see. And a person's name is something that belongs to the person. If you can't respect people when you speak of them especially when they are good caring people who have done a great deal of good to help those around them, then don't speak of that person at all, or if you can't handle that then don't tarnish their last name by using it when you shouldn't be.