Poetry Critical - TurboSwami - 2009-2011 - 4 of 4 (w/ Comments)

[turboswami]

A Solemn Swear To Ravish On

turboswami

She deserved glass smooth moonchance,
1

a solemn swear to ravish on.
2

She selected a lesser stoop to watch from,
3

to tease me with our knowing.
4

Don’t glance up into my eyes anymore.
5

I’m a wolf hiding in the valley.
6

You tempt me to climb,
7

and to be what I no longer am.
8

You tempt me to howl, to hunt,
9

to run panting ‘neath the night brush.
10

After you.
11

‎”After you” is what gentle men say, holding doors open. Forever...

27 Aug 11

Comments:

Eloquent, primal, erotic.  Well-played!  I will never walk through a door held open by a man quite the same again.
 - sybarite

poetry is dancing on the page with words, but this seems more like an anaerobic workout with fingers on the keyboard. you’re giving orders, possibly because you’re in a state of inferiority next to whom-ever you’re writing to. i wish you were actually writing to us, the reader.

this is pretty cliche in part, and common as michael jackson lyrics.
 - trashpoodle

I disagree.  As a woman, this poem made me see the perceived ‘chivalry’ of men opening doors for women in a completely new light.  I find nothing about this poem cliche or common.
 - sybarite

This is lovely. Did you mean porn instead of pron?  Or is pron from the urban dictionary?
 - Io

syb, you’re not a woman, when you read a poem, you’re a poetry-reader-a separate consciousness and with your unique poetry-reading age. you’re as old as your poetry experience, and not older. that you find it not cliche, puts your poetry age at about seven. yes? and, not precocious.

if this made you see these things in a new light, and we’ve been seeing these things since 1970, then this isn’t a reading of a poem, this is a reading of something else in prose.

what about the gesture the author makes of giving us this poem? isn’t it condescending?
 - trashpoodle

Thank you, Syb. There is an primal undercurrent unspoken beneath all interactions, men and women with unacceptable intentions tugging insistent to see the surface.

Holding that door open, baring his teeth kindly, a man’s eyes will ALWAYS want to descend down your curve-whether he lets them or not.

We are all so fucking polite, wanting so intensely to do impolite things!  ;)
 - turboswami

cheap freudian talk makes for texting while driving leads to running over the inner children.
 - trashpoodle

Condescending AND inferior? At least try to keep your insults consistent, Trash. It will help your insatiable negativity seem more focused.
 - turboswami

all condescension projects from a sense of real inferiority. like, i’m inferior to you physically, so i insult your intelligence. yes? and, doesn’t that make it ok for the rest of them too? to insult our sexuality? and, you? what are you inferior at? writing? is that why you pretend to write poems and then insult us when we see through the pretense?
 - trashpoodle

really, all writing of poetry-template is exhibitionism and cannot be poetry until you reach the stage in your creative consciousness where you invent your first poem.
 - trashpoodle

Thanks Io. Yea, it was an intentional typo, to go with the suggested drunkenness. Although the formal 4chan code is “pr0n,” yea.

I got back from the bar, I was drunk. There was a buxom girl there who gave me eyes, and I didn’t respond. I didnt talk to her, but I took that glance home with me. It’s not insulting, it was just that hormonal rush of sexual pursuit, which I notice now, edging 30, is not as driving or sharp-edged as it was junior year of high school.

The Wolf isn’t even a cliche-in my mind its so much more a central symbol, archetypal dangerous virility. The idea of taking it and posing it in a new way, stretching it, really appealed to me. The image of the “retired Wolf,” the wolf in hiding, descending from the cliff where he once howled, down to the valley to sleep. That was strong for me. Certain instincts can be triggered by a just a glance, and make us want to take those old risks again.
 - turboswami

”syb, you’re not a woman, when you read a poem, you’re a poetry-reader”  I don’t know about you Mike, but my genitals don’t disappear when I read a poem.
 - sybarite

”We are all so fucking polite, wanting so intensely to do impolite things!”

Preachin’ to da choir!  Amen!
 - sybarite

you’re showing your education now. modern people feel the gender thing is a learned thing, or are you saying you think with your prick?
you ought to be able to read a poem in a pure way, without your filters of ‘is this proper’ or, ‘does this person want something?’

that’s the way to read a poem.
 - trashpoodle

I have no education.  I’m a high-school drop out.  That doesn’t mean I’m stupid though.  Sorry, Mike, everything we do is ultimately based in sex.  Those among us based in reality understand this.
 - sybarite

if you’re a high-school drop-out, and feel you have no education, then a high-level critical workshop should really be exciting for you. you can ask questions here and not have to worry about your background. but, giving your opinion means you’re going to have to back up your opinion with real experience and thought. you don’t have to have the prior education in writing, beyond your own experience. we’re all here because our poetry doesn’t change the world. we need to know if we’re supposed to change, or the world’s supposed to change. it’s the ongoing dialog poets and artists have with each other, and i’m glad you’re here for it.
 - trashpoodle

Trash, the poem is about sex.  To neuter the reader is to neuter the poem, which itself is engendered.

It will speak differently to a woman than it does to a man, obviously, since each gender has different drives and reacts differently to those drives. To pretend sex doesn’t matter must require that you disconnect and ignore so much, of both yourself and the poem.
 - turboswami

the writing is about the author projecting a persona. it’s not sex, nor even about sex. you can write about stuff but what’s your foundation? are you a freudian, or just horny? because sex isn’t gender, and we’ve been discussion sex and gender rolls in a very radical way since 1970. you sex is your concern, but how you create sex with writing is poetry, and this isn’t sex, just tweeting about your impressions.
 - trashpoodle

L1  what are you on ? It just gets weirder. Maybe just listen to the Beatles  I am the Walrus , they held it together
 - unknown

When I say sex, I mean gender. This poem is manhood. The old manhood, apparently something you cannot relate to.
 - turboswami

isn’t that a Led Zeppelin song?

RAVISH ON.... RAVISH ON...
 - aliar

I am charmed by this.  It’s a white coat with a red lining, unexpected drama, well tailored on a wooden hanger.  The reversing is intriguing and fun.
 - Isabelle5

Wow, the comments are so out of touch with reality for me.  We are sexual beings from birth, we might learn the social niceties of our gender but having raised 3 kids, I know that we are born gender consistent for the most part, no one has to tell us what we are.  You spend any time at a park, you’ll see that little girls watch the boys and the boys pretend not to watch the girls.  Can’t stop nature.
 - Isabelle5

Damn! I missed all the drama!

What did all those comments say??  Did I get insulted at all?? :D
 - turboswami

I bet the comments were the porn spam that’s going around.  Nothing about the poem.
 - Isabelle5

Beloved Teachers of Things Forgotten

turboswami

The floating semblance of a way of thinking resembles once more, forever more.
1

A movie plays in a moment, one we both acted in, and I smile like I did then.
2

Stowed away were these memories, these distant places and people I once loved.
3

I return in their inspiration and those places and loved ones speak through me,
4

and I know them again.
5

Be patient with me, teacher, for I am an inattentive child in your world.
6

I, who cannot sit still or keep focused for more than a few moments,
7

I, who have not kept myself clean or done the homework you wanted me to,
8

I, who accepted your special guidance and coaching only to use it for nothing,
9

I am sorry and kneel beside my bed so that you may pity me.
10

I know you love me and see my potential, as only a teacher can.
11

Teach me about the way things were, about the decisions of a lifetime,
12

Of unconditional love, without fear, obligation, or regret,
13

Of torrents of it that fill me until I simply burst with tears.
14

Teach me to remember all of these things.
15

Sweetness, who I held so close to the warm sunlight of my heart,
16

Beautiful girl, in all of the softest most fragile things wrapped,
17

I know you still, beneath all this life’s distraction, I know you still.
18

And I hear you at night, even though I do not respond,
19

I hear your voice at night.
20

So soft, and low, and with the curl of a pursed lip inwards, I know.
21

As I knew, as all the joy of past harvests, falls for years extending back.
22

I’m sorry.
23

31 Oct 11

Grown To Full Blaze

turboswami

Audrey Redfield, with the red hair and the fire to match,
1

Stepped along a thin line across that hard wood floor, 
2

a line that existed only for her, and those high heel shoes,
3

and anybody else who watched her curve along that narrow tail.
4

I get frustrated.
5

All that red and voluptuous business bulging,
6

I need to be busy somewhere else, excuse me.
7

Tease her in my mind with extravagant gestures.
8

When she laughs, I won’t question why.
9

31 Oct 11

Comments:

shut the fuk up. go write some fiction with friction
 - unknown

Thank you for that thoughtful critique.

You posted anonymously, meaning you are not only unintelligent, but show cowardice in the spreading of your stupidity.

I don’t blame you-your comment deserves shame.
 - turboswami

Thank you for that thoughtful critique.

You posted anonymously, meaning you are not only unintelligent, but a coward as well.

I don’t blame you-your comment does deserve shame.
 - turboswami

you deserve something better
in terms of a poem
 - unknown