On Being Denied Entrance Into The Clinical Master's Program
I've made life changing choices on the assumption I would become a better man...Somehow I thought the choice which required the support of my betterment to be sustained would perpetuate my change. Yet, I became only the obligation to become that better man, the person I am not. I became that guilt.
If, in the endless fighting unusual thinking attracts, I continue to surrender to the calm acceptance conformity affords me, I believe that any creativity I may have will wither, stagnant and unused. So a choice becomes evident, a choice between maintaining relationships important to my career: the network which will support my future, and the sharing of those ideas and beliefs for which I pursued this career in order to express. And, whichever choice I make, it seems irreversible. Social bridges forever burned, or inward realms of thought forever silenced, abandoned. There is a range of expressed thought which is "acceptable," socially; a margin which I fight being confined to...less and less. The painful act of self-censorship is less painful these two years later, the territories of political order have, ever so gradually, come to internalize themselves within me - I have accepted my place and its limits, politely quieting the ideas I was once so excited to share.
The closing of acceptance, the end of love and even of tolerance of my ideological difference, has socially isolated me despite my best efforts. As much respect as I have and show to those whose positions of authority have been socially defined, I have learned this respect is not enough to carry genuineness. That is, I once naively believed that it was possible to question their subject from a place of genuine curiosity without calling into question their defined authority in that subject. I have seen that the position these experts hold is, itself, a defense which the acknowledgment of truth, genuineness, and equality is perceived to undermine.
Hell is other people. I am tired of bending to appease the insecurities of petty men.
If, in the endless fighting unusual thinking attracts, I continue to surrender to the calm acceptance conformity affords me, I believe that any creativity I may have will wither, stagnant and unused. So a choice becomes evident, a choice between maintaining relationships important to my career: the network which will support my future, and the sharing of those ideas and beliefs for which I pursued this career in order to express. And, whichever choice I make, it seems irreversible. Social bridges forever burned, or inward realms of thought forever silenced, abandoned. There is a range of expressed thought which is "acceptable," socially; a margin which I fight being confined to...less and less. The painful act of self-censorship is less painful these two years later, the territories of political order have, ever so gradually, come to internalize themselves within me - I have accepted my place and its limits, politely quieting the ideas I was once so excited to share.
The closing of acceptance, the end of love and even of tolerance of my ideological difference, has socially isolated me despite my best efforts. As much respect as I have and show to those whose positions of authority have been socially defined, I have learned this respect is not enough to carry genuineness. That is, I once naively believed that it was possible to question their subject from a place of genuine curiosity without calling into question their defined authority in that subject. I have seen that the position these experts hold is, itself, a defense which the acknowledgment of truth, genuineness, and equality is perceived to undermine.
Hell is other people. I am tired of bending to appease the insecurities of petty men.