Pearls to Pigs
I'm able to take alot of punishment. I really am. You might even say I'm a glutton for it sometimes.
But there is only so much that one person can take. And I think I've had my fill of it for this year.
Early in the year, I spent my time getting to know you, and I found something in you that I don't see every day. Your smile and eyes shined brightly amongst the many stone faces I have become acquainted with seeing here all my life. And when you reflect that light on me, I could feel something inside of me light up and warm the whole of my being. But then, fate quickly conspired to undo this connection to my dissatisfaction, and (from what I was lead to believe) yours as well.
The next few months I spent trying to find substitution for what I deemed lost treasure. If I could not have gold, I decided I would quickly settle for things of lesser value. Problem though, was that I had already had a taste, and i was hungry for more of the same still.
I spent many months after that, still thinking about what was, what might have been, and what could have been. I was still thinking about you. And after some time, you and I began to reforge or connection as friends, when below the surface i think we both knew we wanted more again.
More time goes by, and it seems that our connection grows deeper and deeper. You become a dear friend to me, and I could only hope I became the same for you. But because the two of us are so far away, I try to move on still the best I can and get by in other ways. I have the opportunity to create something new here, but upon seeing where I might be headed, you come out and tell me you still wanted more from me. And with this, I'm given hope that things between the two of us can go back to how they were in the beginning, even against all the odds. So I sacrifice what could have been right in front of me for what I was hoping for 10,000 miles away.
Now, we have some issues with this. You seem to submit to your fears and your anxiety, and start believing that things can't work and that things need to end. It's amazing really. I had to fight to convince you otherwise, because I could tell that you didn't want to give into all your fear and negative feelings, but you weren't strong enough to stand up to them. Seems like I had to be strong enough for the both of us. With my help you held out on hope a little longer. In that time, we shared things about ourselves. Problems in our lives. In truth, I feel like now I gave up more of myself than you gave to me, because I trusted you-and you knew that.
This back and forth goes on maybe every other 2 or 3 weeks. In the end, you decide that we shouldn't be anymore than friends. I completely understand the decision-not wanting to put to much pressure on an already strenuous situation. That's fine. It disappoints me, but I can accept that as long as you remain my friend. And when I see that you're having a difficult time with where you are and issues in your life, I insist that you take a trip down here as an escape. Call it a birthday present.
Now things become intriguing when you actually get here. The first night in was probably the most time we spent talking the whole weekend. At the end of that night, both of us sleeping in my bed, I know there isn't the same connection between us that there once was. No real surprise there. What I am surprised by, however, is how distant you became the rest of your time after that. Every day, your routine consists of waking up in the morning, meeting up with your other friends for the rest of the day, come back to my place late in the evening, and then go to sleep. Repeat as necessary it seems. Even in spite of all this, I did not imagine that I wouldn't be able to talk to you like normally. We barely speak when you get up, and barely speak when you get home. I had to work up the nerve with several alcoholic drinks one night just to point out how distant things between us seems, and you say it's awkward because you feel like i'm still trying to make something between us in a romantic sense. I said i wouldn't cross that threshold for both our sakes. And besides, you're not around long enough for me to even try.
The only other night I get to spend any time with you is the Ohgr concert, and on the way, it becomes painfully obvious something is fucked up here. I got those tickets becuase a while ago you had mentioned he was performing the same night as your birthday. I figure that might be a nice treat for you, so I got the tickets weeks in advance. Had it not been for this one event, I don't think the routine of you using my place for a shower and a bed would have changed. On our way to the Street Car stop, we barely speak, remarking onlt about the ambience of Broadway on a post-Tulane/Loyal final exams Monday. On the actual street car ride and the walk to the concert, not a word except to tell me your putting your cigarttes in your pants cause the HoB sometimes has a no smoking policy.
We get back to my place. You take a shower, not a word is exchanged. I get ready to take a shower after you and you tell me your going to go stay with another friend, so you'll be gone when I get out. And you are. Just like that. And you don't come back in the next day either. You thank me for "everything I put into this weekend" over a text message. That's that.
Allow me to say that I feel like the dumbest and shittiest person ever. I let you break my heart repeatedly. I let you in on my vulnerability. I was prepared to find ways to overcome insermountable odds to make us work. Even after I accepted that it could never happen, I still thought we could be friends. When you were here, you kept yourself extraoridanily distant from me, one might even say distancing yourself from interacting with me as a friend. I payed for your plane tickets, I let you stay with me, and I didn't ask for a damn thing in exchange. I've never tried to fuck you or get you to do anything at all for me. All I tried to do once is just be the nice boyfriend I know I am, and then the nice friend I know I am. You fucking took advantage of all of it. I've been nothing more than a plane ticket to town, a bed and shower, a bonus concert, and a free plane ticket back to Arizona. You've told me about how every guy has been shitty to you, but you probably can't see when your being shitty to someone else. At the very least, a sign of appreciation other than a short text message would have maybe been nice. A phone call, a thank you in person, a thanks for everything before you just up and left, a hug, something that doesn't make me feel like an instrument or some other means to an end. Some people think that had I had the chance, I should have kicked your ass out before you could leave.
All we want is to be appreciated for the things we do, I think. We don't want praise, but we as humans like to know that our deeds are not taken for granted. And that the exact opposite of how I feel. I feel used, broken, and discarded.
You're the prettiest fucking pig I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
But there is only so much that one person can take. And I think I've had my fill of it for this year.
Early in the year, I spent my time getting to know you, and I found something in you that I don't see every day. Your smile and eyes shined brightly amongst the many stone faces I have become acquainted with seeing here all my life. And when you reflect that light on me, I could feel something inside of me light up and warm the whole of my being. But then, fate quickly conspired to undo this connection to my dissatisfaction, and (from what I was lead to believe) yours as well.
The next few months I spent trying to find substitution for what I deemed lost treasure. If I could not have gold, I decided I would quickly settle for things of lesser value. Problem though, was that I had already had a taste, and i was hungry for more of the same still.
I spent many months after that, still thinking about what was, what might have been, and what could have been. I was still thinking about you. And after some time, you and I began to reforge or connection as friends, when below the surface i think we both knew we wanted more again.
More time goes by, and it seems that our connection grows deeper and deeper. You become a dear friend to me, and I could only hope I became the same for you. But because the two of us are so far away, I try to move on still the best I can and get by in other ways. I have the opportunity to create something new here, but upon seeing where I might be headed, you come out and tell me you still wanted more from me. And with this, I'm given hope that things between the two of us can go back to how they were in the beginning, even against all the odds. So I sacrifice what could have been right in front of me for what I was hoping for 10,000 miles away.
Now, we have some issues with this. You seem to submit to your fears and your anxiety, and start believing that things can't work and that things need to end. It's amazing really. I had to fight to convince you otherwise, because I could tell that you didn't want to give into all your fear and negative feelings, but you weren't strong enough to stand up to them. Seems like I had to be strong enough for the both of us. With my help you held out on hope a little longer. In that time, we shared things about ourselves. Problems in our lives. In truth, I feel like now I gave up more of myself than you gave to me, because I trusted you-and you knew that.
This back and forth goes on maybe every other 2 or 3 weeks. In the end, you decide that we shouldn't be anymore than friends. I completely understand the decision-not wanting to put to much pressure on an already strenuous situation. That's fine. It disappoints me, but I can accept that as long as you remain my friend. And when I see that you're having a difficult time with where you are and issues in your life, I insist that you take a trip down here as an escape. Call it a birthday present.
Now things become intriguing when you actually get here. The first night in was probably the most time we spent talking the whole weekend. At the end of that night, both of us sleeping in my bed, I know there isn't the same connection between us that there once was. No real surprise there. What I am surprised by, however, is how distant you became the rest of your time after that. Every day, your routine consists of waking up in the morning, meeting up with your other friends for the rest of the day, come back to my place late in the evening, and then go to sleep. Repeat as necessary it seems. Even in spite of all this, I did not imagine that I wouldn't be able to talk to you like normally. We barely speak when you get up, and barely speak when you get home. I had to work up the nerve with several alcoholic drinks one night just to point out how distant things between us seems, and you say it's awkward because you feel like i'm still trying to make something between us in a romantic sense. I said i wouldn't cross that threshold for both our sakes. And besides, you're not around long enough for me to even try.
The only other night I get to spend any time with you is the Ohgr concert, and on the way, it becomes painfully obvious something is fucked up here. I got those tickets becuase a while ago you had mentioned he was performing the same night as your birthday. I figure that might be a nice treat for you, so I got the tickets weeks in advance. Had it not been for this one event, I don't think the routine of you using my place for a shower and a bed would have changed. On our way to the Street Car stop, we barely speak, remarking onlt about the ambience of Broadway on a post-Tulane/Loyal final exams Monday. On the actual street car ride and the walk to the concert, not a word except to tell me your putting your cigarttes in your pants cause the HoB sometimes has a no smoking policy.
We get back to my place. You take a shower, not a word is exchanged. I get ready to take a shower after you and you tell me your going to go stay with another friend, so you'll be gone when I get out. And you are. Just like that. And you don't come back in the next day either. You thank me for "everything I put into this weekend" over a text message. That's that.
Allow me to say that I feel like the dumbest and shittiest person ever. I let you break my heart repeatedly. I let you in on my vulnerability. I was prepared to find ways to overcome insermountable odds to make us work. Even after I accepted that it could never happen, I still thought we could be friends. When you were here, you kept yourself extraoridanily distant from me, one might even say distancing yourself from interacting with me as a friend. I payed for your plane tickets, I let you stay with me, and I didn't ask for a damn thing in exchange. I've never tried to fuck you or get you to do anything at all for me. All I tried to do once is just be the nice boyfriend I know I am, and then the nice friend I know I am. You fucking took advantage of all of it. I've been nothing more than a plane ticket to town, a bed and shower, a bonus concert, and a free plane ticket back to Arizona. You've told me about how every guy has been shitty to you, but you probably can't see when your being shitty to someone else. At the very least, a sign of appreciation other than a short text message would have maybe been nice. A phone call, a thank you in person, a thanks for everything before you just up and left, a hug, something that doesn't make me feel like an instrument or some other means to an end. Some people think that had I had the chance, I should have kicked your ass out before you could leave.
All we want is to be appreciated for the things we do, I think. We don't want praise, but we as humans like to know that our deeds are not taken for granted. And that the exact opposite of how I feel. I feel used, broken, and discarded.
You're the prettiest fucking pig I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.