Lucky!!!!
I don't know where to begin. I guess with the beginning. The kids and I set out from East Lansing around 9:40a yesterday for Fairport. It was cold, but the sun was brightly shining and the roads were clear and dry. It was the makings of a good driving day. The first 110mi or so flew by...yeah, Tori music makes the time go by quickly. We crossed into Canada at Port Huron and did NOT have to wait at the border, not even for a minute...we coasted on through. What luck, eh? And with the sun out, I thought to myself this is going to be an easy drive and we are going to make great time. BAD me for thinking such thoughts. I am not sure of the time course after that, but.... 10minutes or so into Canada snow started blowing across the road, the way it does when it is very light and dry and you are passing through an open field. Very quickly the gusts got bigger and more frequent. Soon the sun had disappeared and the sky was thick with grey clouds and it began to snow. Boy did it snow. Before I knew it I could NOT see anything, but white. The roads were still good (free of ice and slush), but that quickly changed. Every now and again I was able to catch a glimpse of the car infront of me and also the fence/guard rails on the edge of the highway. By this point I slowed way down (I was just puttering along, barely moving) and put on my hazard lights. There were still cars passing me in the left hand lane and traffic was still moving, so I just went with the flow. I wanted to pull off to the side of the road, but I could NOT see it and I didn't want to drive into a ditch or anything else. I kept losing sight of the car in front of me, only to have it reappear for a flash and disappear again. On one of those glimpses, I noticed the car had stopped. I was hardly moving, but I pumped my brakes so I wouldn't stop suddenly and risk sliding into the car. But that didn't matter. The road was ice and I couldn't stop. It was a good thing I had the distance I did from the other car because I would have hit it. A few seconds after I stopped I randomly looked in my rear view mirror and out of the whiteness a van appeared. As soon as I saw that I KNEW it was going to hit me. WHAM! It was just like being in a bumper car at the carnival. Then I caught a glimpse of an SUV fly off the road into the ditch. This car was way off the road and caught air! Any way, even though I knew I was going to get hit, I was still in shock. Luckily, we did not get pushed into the opposite lane because traffic was still moving and the next thing to go by was a semi. We were so damn lucky that we didn't get pushed by the van or that when I slid to a stop, that I didn't swerve into the other lane. The semi wasn't going at top speed, but even so...I drive a little Honda Civic and we would not have one that battle. Meanwhile, outside, it was bitter cold. I had to run back to the van that hit me to return the guys insurance card and to give him my info. I was only outside for a minute at the most, but I was soaked and chilled to the bone. Any way, to move things along.... the cars infront of me started crawling along. The guy behind me pulled in front of me. We were supposed to follow him to the next exit and to a nearby rest stop. Well, as we inched along, we came upon the mess in front of us. Multiple semis off the road, cars scattered everywhere, ambulances loading up injured drivers. Ugh. Any way, I still could barely make out the car in front of me, but we were able to get off 402. Just after the offramp, a semi pulled off the road and the van I was behind drove around him and was gone. I still couldn't see very well. I had no clue where I was or where the closest gas station or whatever was. So, like the car in front of me, I followed the semi. By this point I was balling. I had played various scenarios over and over in my head, and I didn't know where I was or where I was going. I just kept following the vehicle in front of me. After what seemed like an eternity, the snow started to slow. The roads were still slushy and buried under inches of snow, but they were managable. I have no clue how long I was following the car in front of me, but.... finally, the snow slowed even less and I could see in all directions. Granted, the visisbility still wasn't great, but I could see the houses on the side of the road. Eventually, we came upon a little gas station way out in the boonies and I pulled over. From there, I followed a different car to London, which is a city I pass on the way home any way. I stopped at the first major gas station and got directions to lead me back to 402. Thankfully, we weren't that far off course. And, thankfully, we were able to get back on 402. They closed down the majority of it due to the weather and the countless accidents. 402 was closed from Wonderland Rd. (where we got on) all the way back to Sarnia.
In all honestly, we are so lucky to have escaped that accident. For one, my car was still driveable. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't. I am "glad" it was only the back end that was damaged. It was so fucking cold! We couldn't have stayed in the car for that long. What if my car was leaking fuel???? What if I had to leave my car...would Harlan and Itty have been able to come with me? What if I had to stay at a hotel and the kids weren't allowed in? What if I had been injured and taken away in an ambulance and the kids were left in the car? They would have died. What if my car was hit my a bigger vehicle going at a faster pace and Harlan was hurt? What if..... there are so many things that could have happened. We were so lucky, not only in the sense that we lived, but that who ever we followed had us going in pretty much the right direction and that everything else worked out in the end.
It is funny, that it takes something major to make you appreciate life. Lately, I have been becoming more and more depressed and thinking about death and stuff, and yesterday I really realized that I don't want to die. Ok, well, last night I was still thinking about death, but if I am to die I would rather it be by my own hands and when and where I want and how.
Yesterday, I cried so hard for so long. I haven't cried that hard since Joan died last year. As I write this, I am crying...just remembering yesterday and thinking about all the terrible outcomes that could have been. We really were lucky. Someone must have plans for me. It's funny, before yesterday I, at first, had wanted one of those Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" bracelets, but then I got thinking about what it meant to me and I didn't want one any longer. It meant that I had to live, for one, and to live strong/be strong. For a long time, I was unsure if I wanted to live. And, I just couldn't see wearing that bracelet. It would have been a lie. (Rarr, I am having a hard time explaining what is in my head). But, maybe now, maybe I am ready to keep working and fighting this. I think this now as I sit here with one of those bracelets around my wrist...my mom got me one yesterday. Maybe now it will be a reminder/symbol for me to live and to be strong.