La la la la la

[turbert]

I haven't been keeping up with everyone's journals and haven't seen some of you much at all recently. I suppose I'm just focusing on myself right now. There are some things I need to figure out. I have "plans" for the future and all that. I just need to figure out what I want for myself in the detail department. Which is always a problem when what you want can be so totally different. Part of the whole self-discovery process was accepting that I am this mess of warring natures. The best way to deal with it is to just be whoever it is I am that day, and if it's inconsistent with the me i was yesterday, it's better to go with it than beat myself up. The integer thing is like a middle ground to come back to if I get lost in extremes of any given nature. Which has been working fine and dandy for me alone. I'm a fairly happy dude. When you factor in relationships with others, it gets a little tougher. I told myself I wouldn't jump into any relationships before I had a good idea if we were really compatible. I'll readily admit that if it weren't for some circumstances beyond my control, I would probably have another relationship destined to fail on my hands right now. I put myself out there to feel people out. I get a little over-excited sometimes, and ol reckless me sprints for the finish line head straight up, trying to ignore the hurdles as I crash through them. I thought I had found someone who "fit" me. She fits a part of me. But now that I have had time to step back, see some other options, see more of the world, and get a better grasp on what my future might look like, I can totally see myself getting bored in that relationship. It sounds harsh, but it's true, I always do, with everyone, even Rose. So, it's back to the drawing board on the perfect woman for me. Maybe I've been looking too much at the good qualities in people that match well, and too little at the inevitable bad qualities. Maybe what I need is someone just as fucked up as I am. Like maybe a bad girl with a good heart, cause a good girl with a bad streak is probably just a bitch. Ahaha! But seriously. Maybe I can find someone who'll jump off the pedestal with me, rather than someone who'll just watch disapprovingly from on high. Maybe I'll find an honest and loving beautiful disaster of my own. Sounds good. Ahahaha. I dunno. Within a weeks time I'll have to have a conversation with someone who I'm sure has certain expectations of me. And I'm dreading it.

And I need to clean my room. And I need keep up my new practice habits.

And where's the line between unreal expectations and settling?