"Please forgive me for time that I've wasted..."
I've been seriously brooding as of late. It has to do with a lot of things, brought on by stress from multiple sources. For three consecutive days I've found myself blasting Fall Out Boy on the way home and wishing for nothing but a warm cup of tea and a massage.
Weird. While I have every intention of becoming a punk-rock star, I usually hate massages. I have tea, but no one to give me a massage. And no, while I'm sure Justin gives an excellent massage...just no.
Anyway, I'm getting to that stressful breaking point when I have X number of commitments and can only split my Y number of ways. Work, School, Fiddlers, and oh yeah, Friends...I do still have some fragment of a social life somewhere, don't I? Unfortunately, that is at the bottom of the priority list, and feeling guilty about it is only adding to the stress. The Nighthawks are heading out to this big Airsoft event in a couple weeks, and right now my attendance is not looking good. I just have too much on my plate. It comes down to simply choosing which group of people I am going to disappoint, and unfortunately, some things are more important than others, even if it hurts.
So welcome to my life, where I over-commit on a daily basis. Kevin believes I do this that I don't have to deal with personal issues like normal people, and he's smart (if a bit fashion-challenged), so I'd wager he's right. If I'm too worried about having time to post the service receivables or long-term fiddler planning, I don't have to concern myself with things like romance or going out to the bar. I've even began to regret the last three years, thinking that I should have went away to college instead
Yes, there it is, I admit it: I deliberately bite off more than I can chew because I like the stress. Hell, while I'm at it, I'm going to admit a few more things.
I use sarcasm as a shield. Am I really as cleverly cynical as I pretend to be? Absolutely not. In fact, I'm not clever at all. But what I am is insecure (not to mention a good bullshitter), and sarcasm allows me to project an aura of confidence while my subconscious drowns in a sea of awkward tension. In other words, it is all a show. You may think I'm exaggerating, but it is almost a deliberate effort now.
I need to cool it down, cut through the layers of lies to find myself beneath somewhere. I recall a conversation I recently had with someone who means a great deal to me...
Person: "Since when did you become so cynical?"
Me: "What do you mean? I've always been this way."
Person: "No; you didn't use to be this way."
The words "be this way" hit home.
Do I want people to see me "this way", of course not. The tough part is stopping and being okay with being myself. And who is that person? Let's take a shot.
First of all, he is a huge dork and a bit of an idealist. Not too much, mind you, I believe he still has a pretty firm hold on reality, but has a good knack for seeing what people can become. He knows he has leadership capability, but has a hard time believing in himself. He wishes to strong, but knows the path is hard.
He is a sci-fi/fantasy fan, with interests that of course include Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, and Dungeons and Dragons. He isn't afraid of letting people know about these things, but embraces them for what they represent. He's a dreamer, who's great aspiration is to be a hero. It's cheesy, and he knows it, but that doesn't stop him from shouting things like "Alas!" and jumping around foolishly like a swashbuckling bard. And yes, in D&D, his favorite character class the Bard. It is an underpowered, underappreciated class, but he loves it for what it is. He is NOT a power-gamer, but believes in playing the game for the sake of escapism, getting swept into adventure.
His favorite starship captain is James T. Kirk, but he feels a stronger connection to Jean-Luc Picard. He likes Earl-Grey tea, too, partially because it does taste good, but mostly because Picard drinks it. Speaking of which, he is addicted to coffee, loves the stuff, and spills it all the time, perhaps at the most awkward moments possible.
He doesn't believe in fate, but desperately wants to.
He likes all kinds of music, to name a few: Cartel, Boston, Styx, Sara Evans, Keith Urban, Nickel Creek, Billy Joel, Natalie MacMaster. Yes, he likes a lot of things except rap; he despises rap and is not afraid to tell you to shut it the hell off. And having once worked at Hollywood Video, he appreciates Disney and knows all the words to all the animated musicals.
Music is a big part of his life. He is the Associate Director of Fiddlers ReStrung and couldn't be more proud of the members he works with every week. He loves it. It is nothing but a pain in the ass most of the time, but the good moments are worth it. In an effort to improve himself make himself a more valuble musical asset, he has taken up mandolin. He is painfully remembering what it is like to be back to square one musically, and is scared and excited all at the same time.
He is very independent and hates asking for help, which is a major foil for him. He has people skills, but is scared that he won't be successful, and wishes he was more studious. He hates school, but knows he has to do it, no matter how long it takes. He is insecure about his major. He wishes that he would have gone away for college, regrets that he ruled out Michigan Tech so early, and often wonders how different his life would be now if he had.
He wonders how different his life would be if he had made certain changes every day, and believes than no one lives without regret, however small.
He has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up, but knows that he will own a coffee shop one day, no matter what it takes.
Intimate relationships come slowly to him, and he doesn't mind that fact. He doesn't believe in love at first sight, but wishes it would happen to him. He is not a man of casual relationships. Mysterious and anxious to charm, he wants someone decisive, elegant, gentle, and peppy. He does not believe that you need to have identical interests, only an open mind and reciprocal attraction. Without those things, he'd rather be on his own. He wants nothing more than to ride in on the wind a and sweep a girl off her feet like the hero of a story. Unfortunately, his self confidence is poor and needs to work out more before he can do this. He has a soft spot for redheads, girls wearing ballet flats, and girls with snow in their hair, nice legs, and pretty eyes. He doesn't kiss and tell.
He hates staying up too late; don't get in his way when he wants to go to sleep. The same thing goes for in the morning; don't wake him unless you're dying or have a really, really good cup of coffee waiting.
He hates hatchback cars, submissive women, manwhores, radical right-wing evangelicals, radical bleeding-heart liberals, radical anythings, speed limits, taco bell, bad coffee and bumper stickers (even if he agrees with them). He can be opinionated when he gets worked up about something, but honestly believes that "only a sith deals in absolutes." On that note, his lightsaber color is blue, and he may have tried the dark side once or twice with his friends back in his academy days.
He likes nice things, and spends too much money. He is fashionable, not gay, and believes in a well-kept appearance. Besides, all great heroes look great ALL THE TIME, why shouldn't he?
He graduated Starfleet Command School in 2371 and is Captains the USS Paladin. His best friend, Commander Maghktar is his first officer.
He can be uptight, but all he needs is a little push (or shove) and he'll try something new.
His favorite movie is Casablanca, for reasons too many to list. Baldur's Gate II is and will always be his favorite video game. He is a bit of a writer, and wishes he had the time and energy to write more. He has 3 stories in the works, but won't let you read them because he is too embarrassed.
He is compassionate, he is just afraid to show it and appear weak. He wants to be respected, but knows he doesn't act like he deserves it. He is stubborn, but flexible. He tries to be sophisticated, but wants to be simple.
He is now yawning; can't believe this post has gone on this long, and feels much better than he did when it began.
Weird. While I have every intention of becoming a punk-rock star, I usually hate massages. I have tea, but no one to give me a massage. And no, while I'm sure Justin gives an excellent massage...just no.
Anyway, I'm getting to that stressful breaking point when I have X number of commitments and can only split my Y number of ways. Work, School, Fiddlers, and oh yeah, Friends...I do still have some fragment of a social life somewhere, don't I? Unfortunately, that is at the bottom of the priority list, and feeling guilty about it is only adding to the stress. The Nighthawks are heading out to this big Airsoft event in a couple weeks, and right now my attendance is not looking good. I just have too much on my plate. It comes down to simply choosing which group of people I am going to disappoint, and unfortunately, some things are more important than others, even if it hurts.
So welcome to my life, where I over-commit on a daily basis. Kevin believes I do this that I don't have to deal with personal issues like normal people, and he's smart (if a bit fashion-challenged), so I'd wager he's right. If I'm too worried about having time to post the service receivables or long-term fiddler planning, I don't have to concern myself with things like romance or going out to the bar. I've even began to regret the last three years, thinking that I should have went away to college instead
Yes, there it is, I admit it: I deliberately bite off more than I can chew because I like the stress. Hell, while I'm at it, I'm going to admit a few more things.
I use sarcasm as a shield. Am I really as cleverly cynical as I pretend to be? Absolutely not. In fact, I'm not clever at all. But what I am is insecure (not to mention a good bullshitter), and sarcasm allows me to project an aura of confidence while my subconscious drowns in a sea of awkward tension. In other words, it is all a show. You may think I'm exaggerating, but it is almost a deliberate effort now.
I need to cool it down, cut through the layers of lies to find myself beneath somewhere. I recall a conversation I recently had with someone who means a great deal to me...
Person: "Since when did you become so cynical?"
Me: "What do you mean? I've always been this way."
Person: "No; you didn't use to be this way."
The words "be this way" hit home.
Do I want people to see me "this way", of course not. The tough part is stopping and being okay with being myself. And who is that person? Let's take a shot.
First of all, he is a huge dork and a bit of an idealist. Not too much, mind you, I believe he still has a pretty firm hold on reality, but has a good knack for seeing what people can become. He knows he has leadership capability, but has a hard time believing in himself. He wishes to strong, but knows the path is hard.
He is a sci-fi/fantasy fan, with interests that of course include Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, and Dungeons and Dragons. He isn't afraid of letting people know about these things, but embraces them for what they represent. He's a dreamer, who's great aspiration is to be a hero. It's cheesy, and he knows it, but that doesn't stop him from shouting things like "Alas!" and jumping around foolishly like a swashbuckling bard. And yes, in D&D, his favorite character class the Bard. It is an underpowered, underappreciated class, but he loves it for what it is. He is NOT a power-gamer, but believes in playing the game for the sake of escapism, getting swept into adventure.
His favorite starship captain is James T. Kirk, but he feels a stronger connection to Jean-Luc Picard. He likes Earl-Grey tea, too, partially because it does taste good, but mostly because Picard drinks it. Speaking of which, he is addicted to coffee, loves the stuff, and spills it all the time, perhaps at the most awkward moments possible.
He doesn't believe in fate, but desperately wants to.
He likes all kinds of music, to name a few: Cartel, Boston, Styx, Sara Evans, Keith Urban, Nickel Creek, Billy Joel, Natalie MacMaster. Yes, he likes a lot of things except rap; he despises rap and is not afraid to tell you to shut it the hell off. And having once worked at Hollywood Video, he appreciates Disney and knows all the words to all the animated musicals.
Music is a big part of his life. He is the Associate Director of Fiddlers ReStrung and couldn't be more proud of the members he works with every week. He loves it. It is nothing but a pain in the ass most of the time, but the good moments are worth it. In an effort to improve himself make himself a more valuble musical asset, he has taken up mandolin. He is painfully remembering what it is like to be back to square one musically, and is scared and excited all at the same time.
He is very independent and hates asking for help, which is a major foil for him. He has people skills, but is scared that he won't be successful, and wishes he was more studious. He hates school, but knows he has to do it, no matter how long it takes. He is insecure about his major. He wishes that he would have gone away for college, regrets that he ruled out Michigan Tech so early, and often wonders how different his life would be now if he had.
He wonders how different his life would be if he had made certain changes every day, and believes than no one lives without regret, however small.
He has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up, but knows that he will own a coffee shop one day, no matter what it takes.
Intimate relationships come slowly to him, and he doesn't mind that fact. He doesn't believe in love at first sight, but wishes it would happen to him. He is not a man of casual relationships. Mysterious and anxious to charm, he wants someone decisive, elegant, gentle, and peppy. He does not believe that you need to have identical interests, only an open mind and reciprocal attraction. Without those things, he'd rather be on his own. He wants nothing more than to ride in on the wind a and sweep a girl off her feet like the hero of a story. Unfortunately, his self confidence is poor and needs to work out more before he can do this. He has a soft spot for redheads, girls wearing ballet flats, and girls with snow in their hair, nice legs, and pretty eyes. He doesn't kiss and tell.
He hates staying up too late; don't get in his way when he wants to go to sleep. The same thing goes for in the morning; don't wake him unless you're dying or have a really, really good cup of coffee waiting.
He hates hatchback cars, submissive women, manwhores, radical right-wing evangelicals, radical bleeding-heart liberals, radical anythings, speed limits, taco bell, bad coffee and bumper stickers (even if he agrees with them). He can be opinionated when he gets worked up about something, but honestly believes that "only a sith deals in absolutes." On that note, his lightsaber color is blue, and he may have tried the dark side once or twice with his friends back in his academy days.
He likes nice things, and spends too much money. He is fashionable, not gay, and believes in a well-kept appearance. Besides, all great heroes look great ALL THE TIME, why shouldn't he?
He graduated Starfleet Command School in 2371 and is Captains the USS Paladin. His best friend, Commander Maghktar is his first officer.
He can be uptight, but all he needs is a little push (or shove) and he'll try something new.
His favorite movie is Casablanca, for reasons too many to list. Baldur's Gate II is and will always be his favorite video game. He is a bit of a writer, and wishes he had the time and energy to write more. He has 3 stories in the works, but won't let you read them because he is too embarrassed.
He is compassionate, he is just afraid to show it and appear weak. He wants to be respected, but knows he doesn't act like he deserves it. He is stubborn, but flexible. He tries to be sophisticated, but wants to be simple.
He is now yawning; can't believe this post has gone on this long, and feels much better than he did when it began.