et je m'en vais
(photo from aimee's collection)
while riding in a car with a couple of single ladies lamenting their single status i realized that beyond the age of fifteen i never regretted the absence of a man in my life (granted that period of absence was very brief due to serial monogamy) i have only ever lamented the absence of women. i've never had any trouble attracting man friends into my life but have managed to alienate myself from many of the girls that i've wanted more of. i think i have a hard time relaxing and being myself around girls, i'm a fumbling, nervous 14 year old boy. i'm intimidated by women, not because i'm threatened by their presence but because i want so badly to be accepted in their presence. men are a very easy group to befriend, for the most part they'll take any old bat under their wing but those women folk tend to be a much more discerning (possibly judgmental?) group and gaining the affection of any young lady is like getting into TED. this is not to say that i'm not blessed with a armfuls of amazing doting lady friends but that i wish i could expand that armful into gymnasiums full (no, no, that would be too hard to manage and too greedy of me). i guess i just wish i could be myself more immediately around new vagina partners. i hate feeling tongue tied and little around somebody i want to enjoy. this is why i love you so much livejournal, i can be myself as much as the 2d world will allow and have managed to carry this feeling of comfort into my "irl" meetings of internet pals. all my most recent and favourite lady friends have come from here. mendy and aimee, what would my time in la have been like had you not coerced me out of my bed and into pupusas and sleazy spandex outfits? there would have been no buddy bathing, no beach adventures, no hair for me to cut, no beds to share. am i going to wake up tomorrow and re-read this with a clear brain and feel embarrassed for writing in circles? yes, probably. oops :(
(once again an entry of gratitude to livejournal for all the good things it's brought. eheheheh)
ps. i took care of those dodgy ginger roots today, yikes!