Struggling
I'm writing here because honestly, I don't know where else to turn. I want to speak freely without having to worry about what I'm saying.
I'm scared, upset, lonely [sort of], confused...angry. I feel like my biggest fear is going to come true -- that I'm going to die alone. Or die lonely. One of my friends told me this summer that I have an attitude problem, which is something that my mom has been saying for years but I didn't believe her. She also said something that not only hurt but made me even more afraid. She said that if I don't fix this then I'll always have problems in my relationships with people.
That's the thing though. I don't know how to fix this. Her saying that really pissed me off, because if it was that easy, it would've already been done. Not only that, but she said that I feel the need to play the victim. Like wtf. I don't feel any such need and I'm sorry that I come off that way. Then again, I don't know how to say that.
It's difficult for me to tell people what's wrong with me when there's something actually wrong. Like now. I know Augustine told me to call him when I needed him, and I need him now, but I don't want to call. I don't want him to feel like I'm playing the victim. Every day, I wonder how many people feel that way about me. I'm scared that everyone does. I'm afraid to live; I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid that I lost the man I was meant to be with. What if my attitude problem was the cause of all the problems in our relationship? Does that mean I'm bound to repeat the same mistakes in this relationship?
And what about my friends and family? How do I tell them how I feel without evoking the "she's playing the victim AGAIN" reaction? How do I stop myself from being afraid of opening up? Right now, I feel stuck. I want to talk to people, but I don't want to come across in a bad way.
I just want to curl up in bed and never leave this room. I'm scared of what will happen. I'm afraid of my future. I'm afraid that I'll mess up and won't be able to fix it. I'm afraid I'll get married and then be the cause of my divorce. I don't want to live this way but I don't know how to fix things. I wish I could go back to the beginning, wherever that may be, and start all over. Just do it all over again, the right way. But I can't do that. I'm so stressed out all the time. So worried, so scared. I just want to tell myself "get it together! Snap out of it!" But what does getting it together mean? How do I strike the balance between being open enough and not having an attitude? I'm struggling and I feel like there's no end to it. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not praying enough? What's going on with my life? I'm ready to just give up already.
I'm scared, upset, lonely [sort of], confused...angry. I feel like my biggest fear is going to come true -- that I'm going to die alone. Or die lonely. One of my friends told me this summer that I have an attitude problem, which is something that my mom has been saying for years but I didn't believe her. She also said something that not only hurt but made me even more afraid. She said that if I don't fix this then I'll always have problems in my relationships with people.
That's the thing though. I don't know how to fix this. Her saying that really pissed me off, because if it was that easy, it would've already been done. Not only that, but she said that I feel the need to play the victim. Like wtf. I don't feel any such need and I'm sorry that I come off that way. Then again, I don't know how to say that.
It's difficult for me to tell people what's wrong with me when there's something actually wrong. Like now. I know Augustine told me to call him when I needed him, and I need him now, but I don't want to call. I don't want him to feel like I'm playing the victim. Every day, I wonder how many people feel that way about me. I'm scared that everyone does. I'm afraid to live; I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid that I lost the man I was meant to be with. What if my attitude problem was the cause of all the problems in our relationship? Does that mean I'm bound to repeat the same mistakes in this relationship?
And what about my friends and family? How do I tell them how I feel without evoking the "she's playing the victim AGAIN" reaction? How do I stop myself from being afraid of opening up? Right now, I feel stuck. I want to talk to people, but I don't want to come across in a bad way.
I just want to curl up in bed and never leave this room. I'm scared of what will happen. I'm afraid of my future. I'm afraid that I'll mess up and won't be able to fix it. I'm afraid I'll get married and then be the cause of my divorce. I don't want to live this way but I don't know how to fix things. I wish I could go back to the beginning, wherever that may be, and start all over. Just do it all over again, the right way. But I can't do that. I'm so stressed out all the time. So worried, so scared. I just want to tell myself "get it together! Snap out of it!" But what does getting it together mean? How do I strike the balance between being open enough and not having an attitude? I'm struggling and I feel like there's no end to it. Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not praying enough? What's going on with my life? I'm ready to just give up already.