torn
I'm missing someone. I'm not even sure if she was ever there in the first place, but I miss her all the same. I miss a her. I don't really know who she is...
I find that I only write on lj when I'm feeling upset, when there's some need to expel emotions. Think writing angst-ridden messages online doesn't help with that? Meh, who's to say if it does? Makes me feel a little better, to say the least.
No, I haven't been drinking. For the most part, despite sharing a few with Jon last night, I'm sticking to dry land right now. It's good.
But I still get tired. And when I get tired, the world seems a little tired with me. I miss someone. As Bowie says time and time again from the depths of my CD player, "My stomach feels small." It's never an enjoyable feeling, loneliness.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. It's looking more and more like I'm not going to have a place to go to school in the fall. I'm reluctant to go back to UNC... simply because the more time spent there means the less money available to be spent in other places, hopefully towards something more fulfilling than what I have now.
Thought VCU was gonna be a good lay-over, at least for next year... but the audition deadline has passed and they're not accepting people into the BA program. If I want to go there, I have to go with an undeclared major, which basically puts me right back where I started... with nothing.
The chances that I'll be getting a job and living at home for a semester or a year are getting higher and higher... and somehow, my mood gets lower and lower at the thought of it. I don't want to be a deadbeat. I don't want to go nowhere. I want an education. I want to be happy. I want to progress.
There's no progress.
I smoked a cigar for the first time tonight. By smoked, I mean I took two puffs, and on the third, inhaled. It was unpleasant, to say the least. No hurry to experience that again. Having tasted the goods, I still don't sense the appeal. But, that's not all bad.
Is she happy without me? Does she ever think of me? Lord knows I can't escape memory. I realize now, of course, all the things I could have done differently. All the things I wish I'd had the chance to change. I wish I could purge myself of these thoughts completely. Something tells me I'm gonna be alone for a while still. Not knowing where I'm going to be next year doesn't help it.
But perhaps I should try to get out more.
I've been reading. A lot. The Dune Series. Fantastic books. Trying to get through it all the way. Then on to finish Harry Potter. Need to read 5 and 6. Then Jinn. Then who knows? Life of Pi was... is a great book.
I can't stay there. And no, it's not the memories. If anything... the memories are what keep pulling me back. The thought that maybe there's still something there. Something to be salvaged... something...
Is there any mending for a broken heart? For once in my life... I don't know where I'm going. There are no guarantees. No promises. Not even proposals. Everything seems... hollow. The future lies behind a thin painting. I need only punch through the canvas to see the other side... and yet I dare not destroy such a beautiful... confusing piece of art.
Damn it. Off to bed before I start talking in metaphors.
I know she doesn't read this. She probably forgot me. Still... stop doing drugs and don't drink so much. And... don't fall in love.
Just don't.
I find that I only write on lj when I'm feeling upset, when there's some need to expel emotions. Think writing angst-ridden messages online doesn't help with that? Meh, who's to say if it does? Makes me feel a little better, to say the least.
No, I haven't been drinking. For the most part, despite sharing a few with Jon last night, I'm sticking to dry land right now. It's good.
But I still get tired. And when I get tired, the world seems a little tired with me. I miss someone. As Bowie says time and time again from the depths of my CD player, "My stomach feels small." It's never an enjoyable feeling, loneliness.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. It's looking more and more like I'm not going to have a place to go to school in the fall. I'm reluctant to go back to UNC... simply because the more time spent there means the less money available to be spent in other places, hopefully towards something more fulfilling than what I have now.
Thought VCU was gonna be a good lay-over, at least for next year... but the audition deadline has passed and they're not accepting people into the BA program. If I want to go there, I have to go with an undeclared major, which basically puts me right back where I started... with nothing.
The chances that I'll be getting a job and living at home for a semester or a year are getting higher and higher... and somehow, my mood gets lower and lower at the thought of it. I don't want to be a deadbeat. I don't want to go nowhere. I want an education. I want to be happy. I want to progress.
There's no progress.
I smoked a cigar for the first time tonight. By smoked, I mean I took two puffs, and on the third, inhaled. It was unpleasant, to say the least. No hurry to experience that again. Having tasted the goods, I still don't sense the appeal. But, that's not all bad.
Is she happy without me? Does she ever think of me? Lord knows I can't escape memory. I realize now, of course, all the things I could have done differently. All the things I wish I'd had the chance to change. I wish I could purge myself of these thoughts completely. Something tells me I'm gonna be alone for a while still. Not knowing where I'm going to be next year doesn't help it.
But perhaps I should try to get out more.
I've been reading. A lot. The Dune Series. Fantastic books. Trying to get through it all the way. Then on to finish Harry Potter. Need to read 5 and 6. Then Jinn. Then who knows? Life of Pi was... is a great book.
I can't stay there. And no, it's not the memories. If anything... the memories are what keep pulling me back. The thought that maybe there's still something there. Something to be salvaged... something...
Is there any mending for a broken heart? For once in my life... I don't know where I'm going. There are no guarantees. No promises. Not even proposals. Everything seems... hollow. The future lies behind a thin painting. I need only punch through the canvas to see the other side... and yet I dare not destroy such a beautiful... confusing piece of art.
Damn it. Off to bed before I start talking in metaphors.
I know she doesn't read this. She probably forgot me. Still... stop doing drugs and don't drink so much. And... don't fall in love.
Just don't.