Star Wars: The Sue Strikes Back
Story Or Series Title: Accepting Change
Fandom: Star WOES
Culprit Author's Name: Jade Blood Kenobi
Full Name (plus titles if any): Jedi Master Jade Blood Kenobi
Full Species(es): Magnificent human female who can do no wrong and satisfies Obi’s every need!
Hair Color (include adjectives): Red and short
Eye Color (include adjectives): Gray/Blue
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None, surprisingly.
Special Possessions (if any): Obi-Wan's heart *gag*
Annoying Origin: *sigh* visit the website if you REALLY want to know it.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: There is an entire website with several different pages of “family trees,” friends and allies, enemies and rivals (same thing, ne?), etcetera that can be found here.
Annoying Special Abilities: She's good at everything, and converts Obi-Wan into an Obi-STU.
Other Annoying Traits: Her body is slim, athletic, and yet manages to be somewhat muscular with curves in all the right places. AND SHE CALLS HIM "OBI"!! No. No. NO.
NOTE: This was sporked by myself and darklyromantic. It's our first-ever spork! Please do enjoy.
Jade Blood waited for Obi-Wan, restlessly fidgeting with her cloak keyboard. She had just written an excellent story about herself and published it to the Holonet while waiting for her fellow Jedi to show up. Supposedly, he had something important to speak with her about.
[SNIP]
She was changing. She felt it. Menopause wasn't supposed to hit this early, but for Jade, who had spent so much of her life being perfect, lots of things were backfiring now. Whatever had started this war was affecting her, and she could only pray that it wasn't affecting Obi-Wan. But she knew it must be hard for him, having to deal with her all the time.
Obi-Wan had been granted the title of general, having made quite a favorable impression on those above him and as well deserved reward for putting up with Jade as long as he had - no one else had managed more than five minutes. Jade remembered how Obi-Wan had dreaded the ceremony, mostly because she had excitedly told him she was going to be “front row, darling! FRONT ROW!” He hated being center stage-maybe because Jade found him more easily when he was there.
[SNIP]
They had danced that night. For a few hours, there was no war. Well, actually there was, but Jade was delusional enough to feel like there wasn't. Damn her! She could have been out protecting people, but instead she was dancing with a fairly tipsy Obi-Wan. Anyway. That night, they were just a man and a woman enjoying themselves and each others company-or at least she enjoyed it. Anyway, She missed that and wanted it again, unfortunately (for Jade) Obi-Wan had sobered up and hadn't gone near a bar since. That was all she really wanted, along with world-peace, fair trade, and something to keep her intestinal gas under control.
Jade heard Obi-Wan's steps as he entered her apartment. She spun toward him, and Obi-Wan half expected her to brandish a lightsaber in his face and was sorely disappointed when she didn't. Self-defense would have been an infallible excuse...
“You look nervous pretty bad,” he said, eyeing her a little queasily.
“Just anxious, with a bad case of diarrhea,” she said lovingly, batting her horrifyingly saggy gray/blue/slate/silver eyes at him. “And I can't wait to hear what you have to say.”
He smiled rolled his eyes and moved closer, taking one of her hands in his and squeezing until her typing fingers shattered beyond repair. Jade glanced down, marveling for a moment at how beautifully he inflicted pain on her, small her hand seemed in his, then looked back into his eyes. [SNIP - bad/creepy description of eyes]
“I have something to ask you,” Obi-Wan said sweetly, gritting his teeth to keep from visibly grimacing at her, “and I really hope you'll say 'yes'.”
Jade felt her breath catch in her throat. [SNIP] 'OMG iz he porposing?!' She thought happily. She squeezed his hand, but only a little because those fingers didn't work anymore, wondering if this gave her thoughts away - she really didn't have enough thoughts to spare as it was.
Feeling the silence between them as a signal for him to proceed, but also as a reminder of how little was going on in Jade's diminutive mind, Obi-Wan said, “I would like it very much if you would be my captain actually behave like a Jedi as well as leave me alone and never talk to me again.”
Jade's expression dropped from anticipation to disillusionment. She tilted her head to the side, finally allowing the last dregs of her brain to slush out, and let out a humorless laugh long “uhhh…” as she blinked and repeated what he'd said in her mind, trying to figure what he had just said.
“You'd have your own company of Clone Troops at your disposal if you left me alone,” he continued. “And you would be an asset to me the Jedi out in the field, where I never have to see you again. I need someone like you as part of my command. To uh... advise and assist... or something. Yeah, that'll work...”
“Well, Obi-Wan, I… would be honored.”
“You don't sound honored,” he said, furrowing his brow at her flat voice, afraid she would deny his proposal and keep clinging to him like always, Force forbid!
“I guess…” She balked and shook her head. “It's great, Obi, really. I thank you.”
“But?” He was full of feigned concern, as always, and she excitedly fantasized that he was ready to cradle and cuddle her in an instant should she need it.
“I guess, I was expecting you to ask me something else,” she said, a phony, bitter smile curving her lips.
Obi-Wan squinted, then his eyes went wide, eyebrows climbing up his forehead, as he tried not to vomit.
“Oh, Jade,” he said, his tone apologetic annoyed and bordering on a grovel groan. “I am so dense You cannot be serious!”
Jade laughed slightly and tried to hugged him, but he jumped away. “No, really. It's all right, Obi. I don't know why I thought… It really isn't sane to think that way during all this. It should have seemed obvious to me that you-” at this point she stopped talking and frowned, forgetting what she had even been talking about. Words were so difficult to find sometimes!
[SNIP]
“You're a general,” she said. Obi-Wan gave her an incredulous “thank you Captain Obvious!” look. She paused and gathered herself (parts had fallen off). “I wish you were my hubby. I think about it all the time. No. I obsess about it! And I'm proud to be your captain.”
Obi-Wan smiled, but it was counterfeit looked incredibly uncomfortable.
“I'd be happier to be a deranged wookie husband,” he protested whispered. “The thought of With you as my wife And it pains me that it cannot be. I wish you could just get that through your head! That you have to settle for being my captain.”
“For now, it is enough,” she said serenely, drawing a dangerously exasperated sigh from Obi-Wan.
Jade ran her hand over his beard and nuzzled his chin with her nose. This made him jump back in horror grin, as she had somehow known it would.
“You know I would have never asked you to marry me were it possible, don't you?” he asked her with worry straining an obscenely amused note in his voice. “That I would be on my knees with laughter right now if not for… this war and my duty the terrifying prospect of the thought.”
“Yes,” she said sadly. “I guess I do. And you know I would do anything to just be Mrs. Kenobi have said 'yes', right?”
Obi-Wan sighed with relief in horror in spite of himself. “I do now.”
[SNIP]
“And you know that my rank of general doesn't makes me any better than you and that I love you about just as much now as I did before, which, on a scale of 1 to 10, is about negative 1,000,000,” he said.
“Of course,” she said knowingly. “I know this is just you rejecting me because you feel I'm too perfect for you, as usual. And just because I'm a Jedi your captain and am technically under your command… That doesn't mean you'll use your power to make me take orders from you under inappropriate circumstances.”
“Well… bugger.”
“Obi?”
“It's Obi-Wan, dammit! Define 'inappropriate' - do kamikaze missions still count?”
[SNIP]
“These moments are going to grow rare, aren't they?” she asked dreamily, disregarding his entire comment completely.
“Most likely, and even more hopefully,” he answered. “I'm already up to my neck in stratagem and soldiers asking me, 'what now, General?' Don't get me wrong. I understand the seriousness and severity of it all very well, and with you bugging me... well, it just makes things so much harder. I want nothing more than for us to be apart and end this conflict and come out separate from one another champions. [SNIP] There is an immense amount of pressure on me. It feels like all the galaxy is looking to me to make things right and to rid it of the menace that is you, for all our sanity's sake.”
Jade slipped on a banana as she from his arms and went to her window, looking out at the cityscape of Coruscant. [SNIP]
“What are you thinking?” he asked as he quietly snuck up behind her and her temptingly precarious position at the window.
“I'm thinking of you, my perfect self, of course!” she said, smiling at her reflection in the paristeel. “What else is there to think about?”
[SNIP]
“I'm afraid of losing you,” she said. “Whether you die in the field or are completely buried under military propaganda and missions, or become completely non-canonical due to my stories, I will lose you. I know you pretend to want to get rid of me, made me your captain, but we won't will always be paired together. I'll see to it, even if I have to completely brainwash everyone and destroy canon. Even when we are, we won't really be together. War is not very conducive to relationships.”
“Are you saying that you won't listen to a damn thing I've said?! we can't make this work?” he asked incredulously.
“No,” she said. “I'm trying to acquaint myself with the idea of living without your presence in my life for a while. And I don't know if I can.” She turned to him again. “Our bond is very strong, Obi-Wan.”
“You think I don't feel anything, are you sure it's not just gas?” he asked.
Jade set her jaw and heaved a sigh through her abnormally large nose.
“If I must fight and plead to be with you, I will do it,” she said. “But only for you.”
“What about duty?” Obi-Wan asked suddenly. “We made vows to the Jedi, surely that is enough to get you off my back! Look at yourself! You spend all day fantasizing! long before we did to each other.”
[SNIP]
“Yes,” she said. “And many, good Jedi have already died from my obsessive behavior - all mysteriously falling to their deaths unaided... All the senators and supposed government leaders can do is squabble amongst themselves, about who in the galaxy they can possibly palm me off on. Have you been to the Senate lately? Have you seen them!? They're thinking about giving me to Jabba - he's too fat for a prissy princess like me!”
[SNIP]
“And if we hope to do I must finish what we vowed to do,” he added for her said ominously, “we I must protect them galaxy and its sanity and fight the Separatists dispose of you.”
“I've already accepted your offer hate of me,” she said, coyly pretending to go along with the cute love-hate game he played. “I still do. But can you honestly say you've never questioned the decision of a superior before my undyling Mary-Sue love for you? I know you haven't. Why not now must you end such a beautiful thing?”
Obi-Wan thought for a moment, looking staring blankly at her and trying to formulatinge an answer that her limited mind could comprehend.
[SNIP]
They stood that way for some time, Obi-Wan finally leading shoving her to her couch away from him and seating himself with her beside him. Jade peeled her cloak off and draped it over the sofa arm, leaning into before viciously throwing herself at Obi-Wan after he did the same. She nestled against him and gathered comfort and love from his loudly protesting spirit as he held tried to pry her off.
Cherish it, she told herself. You don't know when This will won't happen again. Maybe Never ever again - he'll be ready for it next time.
[SNIP]
Just as Obi-Wan was about to stop putting up with the huggles and squees, his Obi-Wan's comlink blipped, and he reached for it as Jade (thank the FORCE!) broke away from him. He exchanged shot a terrified yet loathing look with at her and scrambled away, standing stood without saying a word. He went into her bedroom to take whatever message was being relayed to him (and also put as much distance between them as possible), and Jade sat, chewing the inside of her lower lip… mmm, tasty! At length, he came back into the room, looking regretful like he was about to burst with excitement.
“I've been called into the Council for a meeting,” he said. “I told them about your promotion fangirl psychosis, and they want to see you dead within three hours.”
Jade rubbed her forehead with frustration and nodded. “I'll be there.”
Obi-Wan pumped his fist into the air in victory, then nervously passed her to pick up his cloak which she had quite sneakily managed to pull off. As he did, he leaned down and told kissed her one last time. “I loathe ve you. Really. Please get it through your head.”
“I love you,” she said back, her eyes swimming with ridiculously unreturned longing. “When will I see you again?” She reached up for him, not able to bear him going! She lived only for him, after all.
“I don't know, Never!” he screamed said, then swiftly dodged her attempts at contact kissed her again.
Jade pushed forward, pouting roughening their kiss and tugging at his lips with hers when he pulled away with such fervor.
“SoonNever,” he promised with a disgusted tone, taking one final look at his ~numbah one fan~ . He then left for the Council chambers.
Jade leaned back and kicked her smelly feet up, knowing that some “task” or “mission” would prevent him from coming back tonight. She expected an apologetic call before she expected to see his face, but she maintained her optimism-he would stop playing hard to get soon enough, and she knew it.
At any rate, the war would eventually end, and she would be with Obi-Wan. She truly believed that with all her delusional heart. For now, she would nap, pass gas, and dream of him until her meeting. For now, it would have to be enough.
THE END!
Fandom: Star WOES
Culprit Author's Name: Jade Blood Kenobi
Full Name (plus titles if any): Jedi Master Jade Blood Kenobi
Full Species(es): Magnificent human female who can do no wrong and satisfies Obi’s every need!
Hair Color (include adjectives): Red and short
Eye Color (include adjectives): Gray/Blue
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None, surprisingly.
Special Possessions (if any): Obi-Wan's heart *gag*
Annoying Origin: *sigh* visit the website if you REALLY want to know it.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: There is an entire website with several different pages of “family trees,” friends and allies, enemies and rivals (same thing, ne?), etcetera that can be found here.
Annoying Special Abilities: She's good at everything, and converts Obi-Wan into an Obi-STU.
Other Annoying Traits: Her body is slim, athletic, and yet manages to be somewhat muscular with curves in all the right places. AND SHE CALLS HIM "OBI"!! No. No. NO.
NOTE: This was sporked by myself and darklyromantic. It's our first-ever spork! Please do enjoy.
Jade Blood waited for Obi-Wan, restlessly fidgeting with her cloak keyboard. She had just written an excellent story about herself and published it to the Holonet while waiting for her fellow Jedi to show up. Supposedly, he had something important to speak with her about.
[SNIP]
She was changing. She felt it. Menopause wasn't supposed to hit this early, but for Jade, who had spent so much of her life being perfect, lots of things were backfiring now. Whatever had started this war was affecting her, and she could only pray that it wasn't affecting Obi-Wan. But she knew it must be hard for him, having to deal with her all the time.
Obi-Wan had been granted the title of general, having made quite a favorable impression on those above him and as well deserved reward for putting up with Jade as long as he had - no one else had managed more than five minutes. Jade remembered how Obi-Wan had dreaded the ceremony, mostly because she had excitedly told him she was going to be “front row, darling! FRONT ROW!” He hated being center stage-maybe because Jade found him more easily when he was there.
[SNIP]
They had danced that night. For a few hours, there was no war. Well, actually there was, but Jade was delusional enough to feel like there wasn't. Damn her! She could have been out protecting people, but instead she was dancing with a fairly tipsy Obi-Wan. Anyway. That night, they were just a man and a woman enjoying themselves and each others company-or at least she enjoyed it. Anyway, She missed that and wanted it again, unfortunately (for Jade) Obi-Wan had sobered up and hadn't gone near a bar since. That was all she really wanted, along with world-peace, fair trade, and something to keep her intestinal gas under control.
Jade heard Obi-Wan's steps as he entered her apartment. She spun toward him, and Obi-Wan half expected her to brandish a lightsaber in his face and was sorely disappointed when she didn't. Self-defense would have been an infallible excuse...
“You look nervous pretty bad,” he said, eyeing her a little queasily.
“Just anxious, with a bad case of diarrhea,” she said lovingly, batting her horrifyingly saggy gray/blue/slate/silver eyes at him. “And I can't wait to hear what you have to say.”
He smiled rolled his eyes and moved closer, taking one of her hands in his and squeezing until her typing fingers shattered beyond repair. Jade glanced down, marveling for a moment at how beautifully he inflicted pain on her, small her hand seemed in his, then looked back into his eyes. [SNIP - bad/creepy description of eyes]
“I have something to ask you,” Obi-Wan said sweetly, gritting his teeth to keep from visibly grimacing at her, “and I really hope you'll say 'yes'.”
Jade felt her breath catch in her throat. [SNIP] 'OMG iz he porposing?!' She thought happily. She squeezed his hand, but only a little because those fingers didn't work anymore, wondering if this gave her thoughts away - she really didn't have enough thoughts to spare as it was.
Feeling the silence between them as a signal for him to proceed, but also as a reminder of how little was going on in Jade's diminutive mind, Obi-Wan said, “I would like it very much if you would be my captain actually behave like a Jedi as well as leave me alone and never talk to me again.”
Jade's expression dropped from anticipation to disillusionment. She tilted her head to the side, finally allowing the last dregs of her brain to slush out, and let out a humorless laugh long “uhhh…” as she blinked and repeated what he'd said in her mind, trying to figure what he had just said.
“You'd have your own company of Clone Troops at your disposal if you left me alone,” he continued. “And you would be an asset to me the Jedi out in the field, where I never have to see you again. I need someone like you as part of my command. To uh... advise and assist... or something. Yeah, that'll work...”
“Well, Obi-Wan, I… would be honored.”
“You don't sound honored,” he said, furrowing his brow at her flat voice, afraid she would deny his proposal and keep clinging to him like always, Force forbid!
“I guess…” She balked and shook her head. “It's great, Obi, really. I thank you.”
“But?” He was full of feigned concern, as always, and she excitedly fantasized that he was ready to cradle and cuddle her in an instant should she need it.
“I guess, I was expecting you to ask me something else,” she said, a phony, bitter smile curving her lips.
Obi-Wan squinted, then his eyes went wide, eyebrows climbing up his forehead, as he tried not to vomit.
“Oh, Jade,” he said, his tone apologetic annoyed and bordering on a grovel groan. “I am so dense You cannot be serious!”
Jade laughed slightly and tried to hugged him, but he jumped away. “No, really. It's all right, Obi. I don't know why I thought… It really isn't sane to think that way during all this. It should have seemed obvious to me that you-” at this point she stopped talking and frowned, forgetting what she had even been talking about. Words were so difficult to find sometimes!
[SNIP]
“You're a general,” she said. Obi-Wan gave her an incredulous “thank you Captain Obvious!” look. She paused and gathered herself (parts had fallen off). “I wish you were my hubby. I think about it all the time. No. I obsess about it! And I'm proud to be your captain.”
Obi-Wan smiled, but it was counterfeit looked incredibly uncomfortable.
“I'd be happier to be a deranged wookie husband,” he protested whispered. “The thought of With you as my wife And it pains me that it cannot be. I wish you could just get that through your head! That you have to settle for being my captain.”
“For now, it is enough,” she said serenely, drawing a dangerously exasperated sigh from Obi-Wan.
Jade ran her hand over his beard and nuzzled his chin with her nose. This made him jump back in horror grin, as she had somehow known it would.
“You know I would have never asked you to marry me were it possible, don't you?” he asked her with worry straining an obscenely amused note in his voice. “That I would be on my knees with laughter right now if not for… this war and my duty the terrifying prospect of the thought.”
“Yes,” she said sadly. “I guess I do. And you know I would do anything to just be Mrs. Kenobi have said 'yes', right?”
Obi-Wan sighed with relief in horror in spite of himself. “I do now.”
[SNIP]
“And you know that my rank of general doesn't makes me any better than you and that I love you about just as much now as I did before, which, on a scale of 1 to 10, is about negative 1,000,000,” he said.
“Of course,” she said knowingly. “I know this is just you rejecting me because you feel I'm too perfect for you, as usual. And just because I'm a Jedi your captain and am technically under your command… That doesn't mean you'll use your power to make me take orders from you under inappropriate circumstances.”
“Well… bugger.”
“Obi?”
“It's Obi-Wan, dammit! Define 'inappropriate' - do kamikaze missions still count?”
[SNIP]
“These moments are going to grow rare, aren't they?” she asked dreamily, disregarding his entire comment completely.
“Most likely, and even more hopefully,” he answered. “I'm already up to my neck in stratagem and soldiers asking me, 'what now, General?' Don't get me wrong. I understand the seriousness and severity of it all very well, and with you bugging me... well, it just makes things so much harder. I want nothing more than for us to be apart and end this conflict and come out separate from one another champions. [SNIP] There is an immense amount of pressure on me. It feels like all the galaxy is looking to me to make things right and to rid it of the menace that is you, for all our sanity's sake.”
Jade slipped on a banana as she from his arms and went to her window, looking out at the cityscape of Coruscant. [SNIP]
“What are you thinking?” he asked as he quietly snuck up behind her and her temptingly precarious position at the window.
“I'm thinking of you, my perfect self, of course!” she said, smiling at her reflection in the paristeel. “What else is there to think about?”
[SNIP]
“I'm afraid of losing you,” she said. “Whether you die in the field or are completely buried under military propaganda and missions, or become completely non-canonical due to my stories, I will lose you. I know you pretend to want to get rid of me, made me your captain, but we won't will always be paired together. I'll see to it, even if I have to completely brainwash everyone and destroy canon. Even when we are, we won't really be together. War is not very conducive to relationships.”
“Are you saying that you won't listen to a damn thing I've said?! we can't make this work?” he asked incredulously.
“No,” she said. “I'm trying to acquaint myself with the idea of living without your presence in my life for a while. And I don't know if I can.” She turned to him again. “Our bond is very strong, Obi-Wan.”
“You think I don't feel anything, are you sure it's not just gas?” he asked.
Jade set her jaw and heaved a sigh through her abnormally large nose.
“If I must fight and plead to be with you, I will do it,” she said. “But only for you.”
“What about duty?” Obi-Wan asked suddenly. “We made vows to the Jedi, surely that is enough to get you off my back! Look at yourself! You spend all day fantasizing! long before we did to each other.”
[SNIP]
“Yes,” she said. “And many, good Jedi have already died from my obsessive behavior - all mysteriously falling to their deaths unaided... All the senators and supposed government leaders can do is squabble amongst themselves, about who in the galaxy they can possibly palm me off on. Have you been to the Senate lately? Have you seen them!? They're thinking about giving me to Jabba - he's too fat for a prissy princess like me!”
[SNIP]
“And if we hope to do I must finish what we vowed to do,” he added for her said ominously, “we I must protect them galaxy and its sanity and fight the Separatists dispose of you.”
“I've already accepted your offer hate of me,” she said, coyly pretending to go along with the cute love-hate game he played. “I still do. But can you honestly say you've never questioned the decision of a superior before my undyling Mary-Sue love for you? I know you haven't. Why not now must you end such a beautiful thing?”
Obi-Wan thought for a moment, looking staring blankly at her and trying to formulatinge an answer that her limited mind could comprehend.
[SNIP]
They stood that way for some time, Obi-Wan finally leading shoving her to her couch away from him and seating himself with her beside him. Jade peeled her cloak off and draped it over the sofa arm, leaning into before viciously throwing herself at Obi-Wan after he did the same. She nestled against him and gathered comfort and love from his loudly protesting spirit as he held tried to pry her off.
Cherish it, she told herself. You don't know when This will won't happen again. Maybe Never ever again - he'll be ready for it next time.
[SNIP]
Just as Obi-Wan was about to stop putting up with the huggles and squees, his Obi-Wan's comlink blipped, and he reached for it as Jade (thank the FORCE!) broke away from him. He exchanged shot a terrified yet loathing look with at her and scrambled away, standing stood without saying a word. He went into her bedroom to take whatever message was being relayed to him (and also put as much distance between them as possible), and Jade sat, chewing the inside of her lower lip… mmm, tasty! At length, he came back into the room, looking regretful like he was about to burst with excitement.
“I've been called into the Council for a meeting,” he said. “I told them about your promotion fangirl psychosis, and they want to see you dead within three hours.”
Jade rubbed her forehead with frustration and nodded. “I'll be there.”
Obi-Wan pumped his fist into the air in victory, then nervously passed her to pick up his cloak which she had quite sneakily managed to pull off. As he did, he leaned down and told kissed her one last time. “I loathe ve you. Really. Please get it through your head.”
“I love you,” she said back, her eyes swimming with ridiculously unreturned longing. “When will I see you again?” She reached up for him, not able to bear him going! She lived only for him, after all.
“I don't know, Never!” he screamed said, then swiftly dodged her attempts at contact kissed her again.
Jade pushed forward, pouting roughening their kiss and tugging at his lips with hers when he pulled away with such fervor.
“SoonNever,” he promised with a disgusted tone, taking one final look at his ~numbah one fan~ . He then left for the Council chambers.
Jade leaned back and kicked her smelly feet up, knowing that some “task” or “mission” would prevent him from coming back tonight. She expected an apologetic call before she expected to see his face, but she maintained her optimism-he would stop playing hard to get soon enough, and she knew it.
At any rate, the war would eventually end, and she would be with Obi-Wan. She truly believed that with all her delusional heart. For now, she would nap, pass gas, and dream of him until her meeting. For now, it would have to be enough.
THE END!