I've been far too unstable to settle until now.
Everything seems like a distant memory, or even a dream now.
I wasn't ready to write our story before, but finally, it's time. I think it's important to write about it, all of the facts and fictions; all of the red flags I should have seen and the happiness they somehow brought me.
I regret only one thing about the experience and that I will not mention. I've yet to figure out what I've gained from this. Savior from a difficult next two years? Prevention of further hurt from your dangerous mind? Perhaps. I haven't started to care yet. My defense mechanisms are just now beginning to weaken. They have helped me overcome most of this mess but the pure audacity of the whole situation has not been fully realized by me yet and thus comes out in massive spurts of anxiety where I feel totally helpless and hurt. I'm not going to deny to you any of the emotions I've been feeling. And no, I still don't forgive you. Mainly because, despite neurosis, the pure and bitter meanness and evilness you've displayed has NO excuse. Your apologies are frankly much too little too late. I know I was just another test run for you to see if you could overcome your demons; you did not ever really love me. We all have hidden agendas, mine was just love. Yours was something much darker whether you realize that or not.
Some days lately I pity you, but mostly I just hate you completely. Writing helps me greatly with all of these emotions though. I do not believe forgiving is necessary for happiness and sanity. It does not cause me grief to not forgive you. So many times people just forgive where it is not worthy just to make the mess go away. I don't agree with that at all. Maybe one day I will just forget instead, and thus forgive you. I doubt I will ever forget though. I believe I will always remember every memory, because that's just the way I am.
I want everyone to know that I am writing this for two main reasons: a. to tell our story, because no matter what the ending was, it was a pretty spectacular situation, even for a little while. b. to redeem myself. I want everyone to know I was not just the lovesick puppy who never questioned anything and just gave herself to this boy completely and blindly. Everything I am about to write really happened and is all fact. The only fiction is the love you said you felt for me. Anything coming from that direction may or may not be fiction, I'll leave that up to you to decide. But me, my heart is all real and true, throughout this entire thing.
Thanks for listening.
The First Meeting:
When I first saw you at the airport my heart did not jump. It did not melt. I was not sure about our love in any way. I never got the urge to drag you back to my car like I thought I would. In fact, I never got that urge at all when you were here, Red Flag #1. When we were together that first hour you just acted rico suave cool, like I was your possession, and like you knew you didn't have to impress me anymore, because I was already yours. It's always been a big struggle of mine not to force love before its time. And then I actually do fall in real love and it ends because it was never real to begin with, but I'm still left pretending and heartbroken. I did feel at one point that I really did love you, but at this first meeting, I felt like we peaked online. But I remained open and hopeful always. Just know that...I tried, always.
The Days To Come:
Red Flag #2 was when I got annoyed with you the very first day at the grocery store. I really could not shop with you. It was so irritating for me, every time. You were indecisive, distracted, impulsive, and excessive. I simply couldn't handle it. Throughout the days to come we got along better everyday. We had to re-get to know each other on a whole other level. Real life is not the same as the internet, but in my defense I will say that everything that happened I could foresee, and I knew him fully before I even met him. I still have faith in meeting people over the internet, even though I would never do it again on the same large scale.
Everything was ok when we were in Ann Arbor. Katie was a very gracious and incredible host, we both thought that. We just felt safe there. Whereas when we were camping we felt stressed every day, especially when we had no where to sleep. The main reason I thought everything would be ok between us was because we were able to get through a week of not knowing what was going to happen next. We got through that stress with only minor scrapes (or so I thought). We got through the hardest thing we would ever have to go through, but obviously just the thought of anything like that in the future scared you away. And, that's fine, because I could never be with anyone weak like that; anyone too weak to go through anything for love.
While we were camping every day was a struggle. You would get sick constantly or not feel well and thus complain and thus annoy me because I felt like I couldn't do anything about it and that I was going through the same shit as you and not complaining. And during this entire thing I look back and realize that I never felt like you were happy to be with me. Red Flag #3. I never felt like you found me desirable. Or that you were deeply in love with me. I blamed that on our tough situation and all of the circumstances. I mean, from a psychological point of view, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that Safety and Food and Shelter most be fulfilled before Love can be. But to me, you were my safety and shelter, and so I was with you fully.
There were many things in our relationship that made it less than perfect, for one, me always hurting you on accident. I really did that a lot. I'm just not as graceful as you would think. But those are the times you look back on and laugh about. The ones where you say you love me more for my quirks...that kind of thing. But I was always the only one laughing. Red Flag #4...I always knew you loved your computer more than me. And for some reason that shit always happens to me. Steve with his guitar, Matt with skateboarding. You know, it kind of makes you feel like shit when you think about it...so...I don't.
I will take time to remember the good points:
I felt in most ways we were compatible. Our personalities made living together easy and throughout all of the stress we only fought once. A fight that was definitely Red Flag #5. I just assumed that even though we had been dating for only a few months that the love we shared was incredibly strong because of what we had been through together. I was totally wrong. I got used to having someone next to me at night to hold me and to wake up to. That's one thing I will cherish, being able to wake up next to you every morning. To start our days together, and to finish them. We were playing house on a large scale, and I felt like we could handle it. The best thing probably, was having someone who shared my passion of photography. Someone who understood when I sat there taking self-portraits, and who wanted to take pictures of me and with me. Both models and both photographers...that was so important and brought us closer than anything else. Also, our histories seemed so intertwined. We could relate so greatly with each other because we had been through the same shitty childhoods. Red Flag #6, even though our pasts were alike, you turned to drugs to solve your problems while I stayed as far away from them as I could. The fact that you were a recovering addict never bothered me, I want you to know that. I always believed you were strong enough to come out of that whole mess. And if you are drinking or doing drugs again, shame on you. You were strong when I knew you. Don't throw your life away. You will go nowhere but further down into the dark seeds of your mind. Just stop, now. Just don't. Even though I hate you, I would never wish that kind of a life upon you. Don't kill yourself with those stupid temporary distractions. I want you to know that I did love you. Deeply. Foolishly. I had a faith for us that you could never see. I will always be mad at you for filling my head with all of those future plans that made me think we'd stay together. You were selfish. But I am strong. And I suppose you knew that, and somehow you thinks that makes everything ok...well...it doesn't. I loved you and you left me, in the worst way possible.
You know why I cried so much during the last week you were with me even though I thought you would be coming back in a month? Because deep down I knew that in some way in would never be the same, and it some way I knew you were way too unstable to be leaving me at that point. And every day we were away from each other it got worse and worse and I felt it. That's why I would sit there on the screen and not talk to you. You were much too far from me, and not in distance, in mind. All of your talk about relapsing and the depression you felt upon you...I just prayed I was enough to help you see sunshine. I prayed that you loved me enough to come back to me. But you didn't, and I wasn't enough. And God, I just hope one day I will be more than enough to someone. You never did deserve me. All of the money in the world could have been spent and I would never have given a shit. That means nothing to me, and never has. All I ever wanted was your pure devotion, and I never had it. You were devoted to the ideal of me, and the trip, and the excitement. But never once were you devoted to me. This whole thing was never about me as a person. And despite warning and uneasiness, I pushed through to see if maybe love would prevail. Because I too, am guilty of wanting everything to be as perfect as we thought it could have been. And I too, will always stick my neck all the way out for love...because there is no other way to find it. So take a lesson from this, all of you:
Keep trying until there is no point. Don't deny love that comes in strange packages. Give yourself fully if you find reason. And when it is finally over, do yourself a huge favor and don't mourn it, find something you learned and run away as fast as you can. Good luck to all of us.
RIP Moises Triana
November 2008-June 2009
A man whose mind is able to destroy him is no man of mine.
If I can control my storming mind, even in the darkest hours,
you should be able to control yours in the calmest seas.
I wish you luck with your journey, but I do not forgive you for upsetting mine.
I wasn't ready to write our story before, but finally, it's time. I think it's important to write about it, all of the facts and fictions; all of the red flags I should have seen and the happiness they somehow brought me.
I regret only one thing about the experience and that I will not mention. I've yet to figure out what I've gained from this. Savior from a difficult next two years? Prevention of further hurt from your dangerous mind? Perhaps. I haven't started to care yet. My defense mechanisms are just now beginning to weaken. They have helped me overcome most of this mess but the pure audacity of the whole situation has not been fully realized by me yet and thus comes out in massive spurts of anxiety where I feel totally helpless and hurt. I'm not going to deny to you any of the emotions I've been feeling. And no, I still don't forgive you. Mainly because, despite neurosis, the pure and bitter meanness and evilness you've displayed has NO excuse. Your apologies are frankly much too little too late. I know I was just another test run for you to see if you could overcome your demons; you did not ever really love me. We all have hidden agendas, mine was just love. Yours was something much darker whether you realize that or not.
Some days lately I pity you, but mostly I just hate you completely. Writing helps me greatly with all of these emotions though. I do not believe forgiving is necessary for happiness and sanity. It does not cause me grief to not forgive you. So many times people just forgive where it is not worthy just to make the mess go away. I don't agree with that at all. Maybe one day I will just forget instead, and thus forgive you. I doubt I will ever forget though. I believe I will always remember every memory, because that's just the way I am.
I want everyone to know that I am writing this for two main reasons: a. to tell our story, because no matter what the ending was, it was a pretty spectacular situation, even for a little while. b. to redeem myself. I want everyone to know I was not just the lovesick puppy who never questioned anything and just gave herself to this boy completely and blindly. Everything I am about to write really happened and is all fact. The only fiction is the love you said you felt for me. Anything coming from that direction may or may not be fiction, I'll leave that up to you to decide. But me, my heart is all real and true, throughout this entire thing.
Thanks for listening.
The First Meeting:
When I first saw you at the airport my heart did not jump. It did not melt. I was not sure about our love in any way. I never got the urge to drag you back to my car like I thought I would. In fact, I never got that urge at all when you were here, Red Flag #1. When we were together that first hour you just acted rico suave cool, like I was your possession, and like you knew you didn't have to impress me anymore, because I was already yours. It's always been a big struggle of mine not to force love before its time. And then I actually do fall in real love and it ends because it was never real to begin with, but I'm still left pretending and heartbroken. I did feel at one point that I really did love you, but at this first meeting, I felt like we peaked online. But I remained open and hopeful always. Just know that...I tried, always.
The Days To Come:
Red Flag #2 was when I got annoyed with you the very first day at the grocery store. I really could not shop with you. It was so irritating for me, every time. You were indecisive, distracted, impulsive, and excessive. I simply couldn't handle it. Throughout the days to come we got along better everyday. We had to re-get to know each other on a whole other level. Real life is not the same as the internet, but in my defense I will say that everything that happened I could foresee, and I knew him fully before I even met him. I still have faith in meeting people over the internet, even though I would never do it again on the same large scale.
Everything was ok when we were in Ann Arbor. Katie was a very gracious and incredible host, we both thought that. We just felt safe there. Whereas when we were camping we felt stressed every day, especially when we had no where to sleep. The main reason I thought everything would be ok between us was because we were able to get through a week of not knowing what was going to happen next. We got through that stress with only minor scrapes (or so I thought). We got through the hardest thing we would ever have to go through, but obviously just the thought of anything like that in the future scared you away. And, that's fine, because I could never be with anyone weak like that; anyone too weak to go through anything for love.
While we were camping every day was a struggle. You would get sick constantly or not feel well and thus complain and thus annoy me because I felt like I couldn't do anything about it and that I was going through the same shit as you and not complaining. And during this entire thing I look back and realize that I never felt like you were happy to be with me. Red Flag #3. I never felt like you found me desirable. Or that you were deeply in love with me. I blamed that on our tough situation and all of the circumstances. I mean, from a psychological point of view, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that Safety and Food and Shelter most be fulfilled before Love can be. But to me, you were my safety and shelter, and so I was with you fully.
There were many things in our relationship that made it less than perfect, for one, me always hurting you on accident. I really did that a lot. I'm just not as graceful as you would think. But those are the times you look back on and laugh about. The ones where you say you love me more for my quirks...that kind of thing. But I was always the only one laughing. Red Flag #4...I always knew you loved your computer more than me. And for some reason that shit always happens to me. Steve with his guitar, Matt with skateboarding. You know, it kind of makes you feel like shit when you think about it...so...I don't.
I will take time to remember the good points:
I felt in most ways we were compatible. Our personalities made living together easy and throughout all of the stress we only fought once. A fight that was definitely Red Flag #5. I just assumed that even though we had been dating for only a few months that the love we shared was incredibly strong because of what we had been through together. I was totally wrong. I got used to having someone next to me at night to hold me and to wake up to. That's one thing I will cherish, being able to wake up next to you every morning. To start our days together, and to finish them. We were playing house on a large scale, and I felt like we could handle it. The best thing probably, was having someone who shared my passion of photography. Someone who understood when I sat there taking self-portraits, and who wanted to take pictures of me and with me. Both models and both photographers...that was so important and brought us closer than anything else. Also, our histories seemed so intertwined. We could relate so greatly with each other because we had been through the same shitty childhoods. Red Flag #6, even though our pasts were alike, you turned to drugs to solve your problems while I stayed as far away from them as I could. The fact that you were a recovering addict never bothered me, I want you to know that. I always believed you were strong enough to come out of that whole mess. And if you are drinking or doing drugs again, shame on you. You were strong when I knew you. Don't throw your life away. You will go nowhere but further down into the dark seeds of your mind. Just stop, now. Just don't. Even though I hate you, I would never wish that kind of a life upon you. Don't kill yourself with those stupid temporary distractions. I want you to know that I did love you. Deeply. Foolishly. I had a faith for us that you could never see. I will always be mad at you for filling my head with all of those future plans that made me think we'd stay together. You were selfish. But I am strong. And I suppose you knew that, and somehow you thinks that makes everything ok...well...it doesn't. I loved you and you left me, in the worst way possible.
You know why I cried so much during the last week you were with me even though I thought you would be coming back in a month? Because deep down I knew that in some way in would never be the same, and it some way I knew you were way too unstable to be leaving me at that point. And every day we were away from each other it got worse and worse and I felt it. That's why I would sit there on the screen and not talk to you. You were much too far from me, and not in distance, in mind. All of your talk about relapsing and the depression you felt upon you...I just prayed I was enough to help you see sunshine. I prayed that you loved me enough to come back to me. But you didn't, and I wasn't enough. And God, I just hope one day I will be more than enough to someone. You never did deserve me. All of the money in the world could have been spent and I would never have given a shit. That means nothing to me, and never has. All I ever wanted was your pure devotion, and I never had it. You were devoted to the ideal of me, and the trip, and the excitement. But never once were you devoted to me. This whole thing was never about me as a person. And despite warning and uneasiness, I pushed through to see if maybe love would prevail. Because I too, am guilty of wanting everything to be as perfect as we thought it could have been. And I too, will always stick my neck all the way out for love...because there is no other way to find it. So take a lesson from this, all of you:
Keep trying until there is no point. Don't deny love that comes in strange packages. Give yourself fully if you find reason. And when it is finally over, do yourself a huge favor and don't mourn it, find something you learned and run away as fast as you can. Good luck to all of us.
RIP Moises Triana
November 2008-June 2009
A man whose mind is able to destroy him is no man of mine.
If I can control my storming mind, even in the darkest hours,
you should be able to control yours in the calmest seas.
I wish you luck with your journey, but I do not forgive you for upsetting mine.