Robin Hood for the Uninitiated - episode 1x01
ROBIN HOOD Season 1 Episode 1
Will You Tolerate This
NOTTINGHAMSHIRE, ENGLAND, 1192.
DEER: golly gosh today’s a good day to be alive. I hope I don’t get killed and eaten today. That would suck.
An INCREDIBLY PRETTY YOUNG MAN pulls back his bow.
DEER: darn.
GUARD #1: ahem.
The incredibly pretty young man realises that he has been snuck up on by a whole team of heavily armed men on horseback.
I.P.Y.M: shite.
He runs. The guards on their horses take some time to overtake him, giving him the chance to run in slow motion and get caught in some very fragile dead bush.
Guard #1: hold him! You know the law.
I.P.Y.M: I know the law’s an ass.
Guard #2: What? What does that even mean?
I.P.Y.M: It means please don’t cut off my hand.
Guard #1: Listen, I’ve been looking forward to this all day, so just put your arm out.
I.P.Y.M: Umm… Think of the children?
Guard #2: You don’t have any children.
I.P.Y.M.: I may. Some day.
Guard #1: Listen, if we’re just going to stand around all day making references to other movies, we may as well go home. Put out your bloody arm so I can chop your hand off!
I.P.Y.M.: How about just a finger?
Guard #1: Actually that sounds alright.
Guard #2: Here, put your hand out on this log. I’ll show you exactly how to do it.
An arrow shoots into the log between Guard #2’s fingers, followed by several other arrows in unrealistically fast succession.
Guard #2: You missed! Five times!
Hooded figure: Oh snap. Well then, bugger off before I stop missing! It might happen! You know, any time now!
Guard #1: Nah. Let’s debate capital punishment for a while. I’ll be for, you can be against.
Hooded figure: We could do that. Oh by the way, you’re surrounded.
On the other side of a hill, another QUITE PRETTY YOUNG MAN pretends to be an entire army.
Hooded figure: Seriously. Now off you go. Think of his children.
Guard #1: He hasn’t got any-
The hooded figure shoots an arrow up in the air, landing in Guard #1’s saddle.
Guard #1: Listen, did you want to go off and practise for a while? I mean, your aim’s not all that great. But since you have us surrounded we will leave. But not because of the children. I just want to make that perfectly clear.
The quite pretty young man stops pretending to be an entire army and joins the others as the guards ride away.
Q.P.Y.M: Yeah! That’s right! You better run! The two of us will kick your asses!
The hooded figure removes his hood, revealing himself to be a VERY PRETTY YOUNG MAN.
V.P.Y.M.: Great. Look what you’ve done.
Guard #1: Two? Oh, you’re so nicked!
The guards chase the two pretty young men into the credit sequence.
V.P.Y.M.: First of many LoTR references! Fantastic! (he hides in the roots of a tree and pulls the quite pretty young man in with him)
Guard #1: Oh come off it. This is too silly. If you’re not going to take this whole thing seriously, I’m heading back to Nottingham. (rides off)
V.P.Y.M.: It’s been five years. How come you’re still so dumb?
Q.P.Y.M.: I’m not, actually. But you need to look smart in comparison, so let’s pretend I’m really bad at details. Let’s go home. I’m really very hungry. I’m going to eat a whole cow. And a pig. And a sheep. Or I could sing.
V.P.Y.M.: Now we’ll have none of that.
The pretty young men come across what in theory is a house, but it appears to have no walls. What it does have is a SURLY MAN and his NOT SO SURLY DAUGHTER.
Q.P.Y.M.: Master, we’re not stopping here. Not even to give this man walls. Or make out with his daughter. No showing off. We’re going home.
V.P.Y.M.: I think now is the perfect opportunity for me to show how I will never listen to what you have to say, even though we’ve been friends our entire lives and you’re usually right.
SURLY MAN: You two are outlaws aren’t you?
V.P.Y.M.: Not yet.
S.M.: You look like outlaws.
V.P.Y.M.: Well, we’re not.
S.M.: You sure you’re not outlaws?
V.P.Y.M.: Not for at least another half hour or so.
S.M.: If you say so. Come help me dig a hole.
Q.P.Y.M.: Did you say that you need help digging? I LOVE DIGGING. Please Master, let’s help this confusing and surly man dig.
V.P.Y.M….(my fingers are starting to hurt so let’s just call him) ROBIN: Much, since when did you like digging?
Q.P.Y.M. who happens to be called MUCH: You don’t know everything about me.
ROBIN: Fine. Dig your stupid hole.
MUCH: I love you. Really.
ROBIN AND MUCH dig a hole. They’re not very good at it.
ROBIN: Why are we doing this anyway?
MUCH: It’s a hole. Does it need a reason? If we don’t dig, there won’t be a hole.
ROBIN: …I hate digging. I’ll be over there, disrespecting this man’s hospitality.
Robin heads inside the wall-less house to chat up the daughter, SARAH.
ROBIN: Hi there.
SARAH: So. It’s getting late. You should totally sleep here tonight.
ROBIN: Hey, I haven’t even gotten to the part where I’m a Lord and fought in the Crusades and…
SARAH: That’s nice. Sex time now.
ROBIN: What, here? Your father’d kill me!
SARAH: Only if he could see us.
ROBIN: …you know this house has no walls, right? ….right?
Robin struggles to be a gentleman. This struggle is not very long. They make out. Meanwhile, Much is listening to a very boring story.
SURLY MAN: I hate taxes. The SHERIFF is a total prick and taxes us. He even taxes the taxes.
MUCH: (sees Robin and Sarah getting busy) Oh my - I mean that’s horrible. I’m totally shocked by your story. Not with anything else. Do I have something in my teeth? Look really closely. At me. Not at your house. Because there’s nothing happening there.
SURLY MAN: That’s strange. Sarah’s not trying to seduce your friend? She usually tries that right about now.
MUCH: Really? That’s interesting. Really. Because my master… he would never get it on with her. Never. He doesn’t even like girls.
SURLY MAN: He what? (He turns around to see that Robin does indeed like girls)
MUCH: Oh this could not possibly have ever ended well.
SURLY MAN: Let’s fight, you womanising bastard!
ROBIN: I’m a lover, not a fighter.
SURLY MAN: Too bad.
They fight. The surly man is quite good with a sword. However, ROBIN has a scimitar and therefore is ten times more awesome.
ROBIN: Check me out. I can jump off this building, somersault in the air, and be the most awesome thing you’ll ever see!
Robin does so. He and Much run off into the sunset together, hand in hand.
SARAH: damn. It’s always the gorgeous ones.
The next day, Robin and Much arrive at Locksley. They share a semi-manly embrace before heading down into town. Robin has a Gladiator moment on the walk, and enjoys the feeling of some wheat between his fingers.
MUCH: Hi there townsfolk, we’re totally not outlaws.
The townsfolk don’t believe him, and go to hide in their homes. An old carpenter continues working, oblivious.
ROBIN: Dan Scarlett, old buddy, old chum!
DAN: Robin! And your little toyboy! Good to have you back! …have you seen my hand anywhere?
MUCH: sorry?
DAN: my hand. Gisbourne took it and he won’t give it back.
ROBIN: This is madness!
MUCH: This ….
ROBIN: Much, what have I told you about making film references? That’s MY job!
A young boy and his RIDICULOUSLY PRETTY YOUNG MAN for a brother come out of the house and look at the two totally-not-outlaws with suspicion.
DAN: Luke! Will! It’s Robin come back from the wars to make everything better!
LUKE: That is an awesome bow. I can shoot too!
He fires an arrow. He’s not particularly good.
ROBIN: (laughs) He’s wonderful! Just like you and your wife!
Dan gets very quiet and sad.
MUCH: ooh, awkward…
DAN: She’s dead, Robin. Everyone in Locksley’s been doing really badly since you left us to Gisbourne. You bloody prick.
ROBIN: Well, don’t worry, I’ll make everything better again.
A group of soldiers ride into Locksley. Will takes the weapon away from Luke. As the soldiers ride in, one man breaks off. He is incredibly gorgeous and wearing nothing but black leather, so is obviously a villain. It is GUY of Gisbourne, the Sheriff’s right hand man.
GUY: yeah, that’s right. I am officially more awesome than anyone else in this show. Check out all the leather! And my angst!hair!
The soldiers drag everyone out of their homes.
GUY: So. Someone’s stealing food. Give it back.
Will and Luke are suspiciously quiet.
ROBIN: Oi!
The crowd parts almost biblically to allow Robin through.
GUY: What the hell, man?
ROBIN: Stop picking on my peasants. I’m back now, that’s my job.
Much places a fur cloak over Robin’s shoulders, and the peasants all bow down to Much’s magical ability to pull large cloaks from nowhere.
Later on, at Locksley Manor, Robin is manhandling his butler THORNTON, and his maid MARY is giving Much the eye.
THORNTON: Now that we’re finished with the completely unnecessary touching, go have a bath. You stink. I’ll get you some food.
MUCH: What about me?
THORNTON: go clean out the stables or something, will you?
ROBIN: Thornton, I know I’m never really going to make a big deal out of this or even make it clear that it’s happened ever ever again, but I’ve made Much a free man.
MUCH: I’m going to own lands.
THORNTON: (pauses for a moment) Him?
Much heads upstairs to take a much-needed (heh) bath at the same moment that Guy enters the room.
GUY: So, dude, you’re back. Let’s party.
ROBIN: I don’t think so, boyfriend. You totally disrespected my people.
GUY: Fine. How’s the Holy Land? King not dead yet?
ROBIN: He’s killing lots of people. People try to kill him, they don’t do so well. The whole thing is stupid.
GUY: You don’t like to fight? I’ve seen you fight. I know you like it.
ROBIN: when the hell did you see me fight?
GUY: (looks off into the distance) let’s not talk about the past.
ROBIN: sounds good to me. I hate the past. I’ve changed.
GUY: Anyway. The Sheriff’s gonna throw you a party.
ROBIN: I hate the stinkin’ Sheriff. I’m having my own party. And I’m going to free all the prisoners that I bet you have locked up round here.
GUY: If you want. Good luck with all that.
Upstairs, Much is having a bath. Mary comes in with some towels.
MARY: What was the war like?
MUCH: You wouldn’t like it.
MARY: whatever. You’re a big girl anyway. (she leaves)
Much is left alone with his post-traumatic stress disorder. Luckily, Robin enters before Much can slip too deep into depression.
ROBIN: come on man, we’re gonna go see Marian. I mean her dad. The old Sheriff. Not Marian.
They ride to Knighton Hall, where EDWARD Knighton, the old Sheriff (and Marian’s dad) has apparently gone completely loco.
EDWARD: Crooks! Bandits! Con artists!
MUCH: (whispers to Robin) the old man can see the future… let’s get out of here!
ROBIN: Edward, it’s me, Robin! Locksley? Holy Land? Totally awesome and all round good guy? Left your daughter at the altar? No?
EDWARD: How is any of that supposed to convince me? Go away!
An ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS YOUNG WOMAN holding a drawn longbow enters the scene. As it is obviously MARIAN, we shall continue on as planned.
MARIAN: You heard my daddy. Shunt off.
ROBIN: Marian. What’s up, baby? How you been?
MARIAN: You know I have an arrow pointed at your head, right?
ROBIN: But it’s me! Your fiancee! Remember? I totally ditched you to go kill people on the other side of the world?
MARIAN: I know. Hence the arrow. Idiot. Bugger off.
ROBIN: Come on baby, don’t be like that. We can work this out, can’t we?
MARIAN: Leave. Or die. Either way works for me.
Much drags Robin away.
MUCH: Unbelievable!
ROBIN: I know. She’s still single.
MUCH: I meant… you know, the longbow and… Robin? Are you listening to me?
ROBIN: She still digs me, right? You got that?
MUCH: Oh, please.
They head back to Locksley, where Robin’s party is already over and all the peasants have eaten a lot, except possibly for Will and Luke Scarlett, who are nowhere to be seen. There is a distinct lack of pretty at the Manor. Dan is standing mournful at the gates.
ROBIN: Dan? Where’s all the pretty? Where are your boys?
DAN: Well, you know how Gisbourne was looking for the stolen food?
ROBIN: Did your boys steal it?
DAN: Well, duh. And now they’re in the dungeons at Nottingham.
ROBIN: We’ll see about that!
Cut to Nottingham. It’s Wednesday: market day! Unfortunately market day seems to be cancelled. The peasants wandering the streets are all very sad.
MUCH: So. No market day.
ROBIN: Maybe it is. Maybe the peasants just got lazy and don’t have anything to sell. Or maybe the Sheriff totally took everything they have.
MUCH: Nah, why would that happen?
ROBIN: Dude. What show are you in? ‘Cause I’m in the one with the evil sheriff and his sexy… I mean evil minion!
Cut to the evil sheriff and his sexyevil minion. Sheriff VASEY is laughing like a crazy person. Which makes quite a lot of sense.
GUY: My lord, I do not think that this is a laughing matter.
VASEY: Sorry, remind me. Did you or did you not flounce out of Locksley like a big baby following the boring old law of property ownership? Or did you take your many guards and kill him and his one manservant? I’ve forgotten. I’m quite old you know. But not old enough to be less awesome than anyone else in this show.
GUY: Why you so mean to me, daddy? …I mean my lord?
VASEY: Because you’re a total idiot, that’s why. Now go away and be good and daddy’ll get your pretty lands back for you.
Meanwhile, Robin and Much are hanging out checking out some gallows.
MUCH: gee, I hope nobody I know is ever going to be put up there. Ever.
ROBIN: thanks for jinxing it for us, Much. Let’s go inside and I can be all lordly and annoying.
Inside, there appears to be a meeting of lords or some such thing going on. There is some awesome hat action going down.
RANDOM LORD #1: So we totally stole all this money from our peasants.
VASEY: yeah, like that’s ever going to be enough for anything. Do better. It’s for the King. Totally.
Robin enters like the great big hero he is. Marian, who is for some reason allowed to be present during this meeting, rolls her eyes.
ROBIN: morning, everyone! How’s things? Jerry, how’re the kids? Not dead or anything? Eddie… Still totally hating me? Still nutso? Bob! I’ve missed our golf sessions!
VASEY: right. So. Wanker alert. How are your lands going? Guy did a good job?
ROBIN: Nope.
GUY: Did too.
VASEY: aren’t your peasants total bastards? We’ve got some in the dungeons.
ROBIN: That can’t be right. My peasants are cute little innocent teddy bears. Why would they do anything? Bet it’s your fault.
VASEY: This is boring. Let’s raise some more money. For the King. And his war. Totally not for me.
ROBIN: War, uh, what is it good for, absolutely nothing, ngh… c’mon… anybody? Let’s stop the taxes. All of them. They’re not good for anything anyway.
All the random lords have coughing fits. It is clear they do not agree. They like taxes. And expensive hats. Marian continues to be less than impressed.
VASEY: that’s it. I’m going to go off and play with a cute little bird. (crushes the cute little bird to death) huh. Oops.
Meanwhile, somewhere less creepy, Marian is attempting to deal with an apparently quite randy Robin.
MARIAN: So my dad’s considering forgiving you. You gonna mess it up? Or maybe say you’re going to turn up, and then go fight a war or something?
Marian is clearly not holding any grudges at all.
ROBIN: Yeah yeah I’ll be there. By the way, you’re totally hot. Still single? Maybe want to… hook up again?
MARIAN: will you bugger off? I’m only talking to you ‘cause my dad needed me to. Go play with Much or something.
ROBIN: Maybe later. Seriously. You are looking fine… uh… your eyes. They totally see into my soul.
Robin attempts to kiss her.
MARIAN: Five years and your lines still suck. (she leaves)
Instead of doing the smart thing and following her to try and prove he still loves her or something, ROBIN grabs MUCH heads to the dungeons. Well, who could blame him? I mean, both WILL and the I.P.Y.M. from the opening scene are down here. And that is a lot of pretty.
ROBIN: So what the hell, man? What’d you do?
WILL: I’m going to give you this really long speech about all the ‘crimes’ we’ve committed. Like being poor and hungry and too pretty for words. You have no idea how hard our lives have been.
ROBIN: So what’s gonna happen to you guys then? Slap on the wrist, wag of the finger?
The Jailor rubs his neck.
MUCH: Hanging? For real?
ROBIN: Told you you’d jinx it…
The prisoners totally freak out.
JAILOR: Why’d you go and tell ‘em that for? Now they’re gonna be cryin’ and screamin’ all day.
The guards drag the Scarlett boys away and bring out the I.P.Y.M.
I.P.Y.M.: So… still in a saving mood? Think of the children!
MUCH: Are we seriously still doing this?
ROBIN: You’re an idiot, you know that, pretty boy? Now you’re going to hang with the others, and we’re going to be short so much pretty in the woods. (He and MUCH leave)
I.P.Y.M.: Hang? But you’re only hanging the Locksley boys. I’m not from Locksley. I’m Allan a Dale, you really think anyone from Locksley has an awesome name like Allan a Dale?
He is not believed, and Robin goes off to a party.
VASEY: You kind of suck, don’t you?
MUCH: My master doesn’t suck! He’s Robin of Locksley: totally awesome and all round good guy!
ROBIN: Pardon your prisoners. They’re too pretty to die.
VASEY: I hate the pretty. That’s why they’re hanging in the morning.
ROBIN: Why do you have to be such a dick about this?
VASEY: la di da di da… if you’re going to be so boring, go back to Locksley and we’ll have the party without you. So tomorrow, you’ll be overseeing the hanging. You cool with that?
ROBIN: What have we just been talking about?
VASEY: You’re boring and weak. And I’m officially too awesome for this scene.
Vasey leaves and Marian enters.
GUY: Marian. What’s up, baby? How you been?
MARIAN: Well, this isn’t at all familiar…
ROBIN: Steals my land, steals my girlfriend, steals my lines…
Marian shoots eye daggers at Robin and goes off with Guy. Can’t blame her really. We see the first true appearance of Angst!Robin, who will probably never leave us alone again.
Later that night back at Knighton Hall, Robin is sneaking in to meet with Edward.
EDWARD: So. I’m not really crazy.
ROBIN: Right. So what are we doing?
EDWARD: Whatever you do, don’t make any grand statements or do anything stupid. Play it subtle. You need to quietly turn the other random lords to our side.
ROBIN: Yeah, probably not going to bother with any of that. Got to save my pretty peasants.
MARIAN: You’re going to have to let them die.
ROBIN: When did you become such a bitch?
MARIAN: Oh let me think.
EDWARD: Marian, be quiet. You’re a woman. You don’t understand.
Marian totally does, but bides her time.
EDWARD: Now, Robin, be careful. If you do anything particularly rash say, like, saving peasants, or threatening to kill people, you’ll become an outlaw or get yourself killed.
Later that night back at Locksley, Angst!Robin is staring into some fire and contemplating whether or not he should do the smart thing. His actions so far have pretty much already answered this for us.
The next morning, Robin is back at Nottingham getting spat on by peasants.
DAN: Don’t worry, idiot. This isn’t entirely your fault. Well it is, because you left in the first place.
VASEY: Let’s get some hangin’ done!
Guards bring out Will, Allan, Luke and ...some random peasant.
VASEY: Locksley, no funny business, or we’ll totally kill your boyfriend.
We now see that a couple of guards have grabbed Much and are threatening to drop him off the wall.
ROBIN: You are so evil. (He reads from some parchment) Let it be known that on this day by the order of King Richard or something or other, these guys over there need to be hanged.
Guards place bags over all four men’s heads. Dan is not happy about this. Robin nods to a random priest in the crowd.
PRIEST: Wait!
VASEY: uff. “now please don’t kill my baby, my little brother, my inbred cousin!” I hate people.
PRIEST: Nah, I just don’t want to lose guys from my order. They’re totally priests.
VASEY: Okay, that’s not a total lie.
PRIEST: No they totally are. Joined last night and everything.
VASEY: Shut up.
PRIEST: (pulls out some paper) Check it out, this is from the Bishop. And it’s totally not fake. You can’t kill them.
VASEY: Can too. I can arrest you too.
The priest is chased by several guards. Turns out he’s totally not really a priest, but one of Robin’s peasants.
VASEY: Let’s get on with it then!
Executioners start the hanging. Robin goes into some sort of glowy flashback mode where he sees a whole bunch of stuff we’ve already seen this episode, and grabs a guard’s longbow.
ROBIN: People of Nottingham! (he shoots an arrow and frees Luke) This is total bullshit! (he frees Will) Will you tolerate this injustice? (with two arrows frees Allan and … that other guy) I’m totally not going to.
Fighting ensues.
MUCH: Master, help!
Robin has clearly forgotten about the killing-of-the-boyfriend threat. But it’s all good, because apparently, Robin has super-sword-throwing powers. The sword flies across the courtyard all the way to the top of the wall and knocks both guards in the head.
Meanwhile, back in the slightly less unbelievable battle below, Dan gives Will an axe. This is almost important. Dan escapes with Luke and that peasant dude. Robin is about to get arrow’d by a guard. Instead of doing anything useful, Robin stands and stares at him. Luckily, Marian is more awesome than anything ever and throws one of her hairpins into the guard’s arm. Robin looks up to her and she walks away.
MUCH: Shouldn’t we be escaping or something?
Robin wakes up and smells the imminent danger, and they flee along with Allan and Will. A dozen archers line up ready to fill the foursome with arrows.
ROBIN: Yeah, like you guys’ll ever hit anything!
Robin and Much jump on a horse, and Allan and Will ride another. The two couples ride in slow motion through a whole bunch of arrows. They escape to Sherwood Forest.
WILL: I’ll be over there somewhere. Getting kindling or something.
MUCH: so I don’t get my lands and stuff, do I?
ROBIN: Yeah, that wasn’t really ever going to happen, so get over it.
A MYSTERIOUSLY AWESOME VOICE CALLS FROM THE TOP OF A CLIFF: Oi! This is our forest!
Robin, Much and Allan look up to discover they are surrounded by outlaws, one of which is huge and bearded and looks like he could just be someone who would be called LITTLE JOHN.
But before we can find this out… credit roll! To be continued in episode 2 - Sheriff got your tongue? In which the Sheriff may take some tongues.
Will You Tolerate This
NOTTINGHAMSHIRE, ENGLAND, 1192.
DEER: golly gosh today’s a good day to be alive. I hope I don’t get killed and eaten today. That would suck.
An INCREDIBLY PRETTY YOUNG MAN pulls back his bow.
DEER: darn.
GUARD #1: ahem.
The incredibly pretty young man realises that he has been snuck up on by a whole team of heavily armed men on horseback.
I.P.Y.M: shite.
He runs. The guards on their horses take some time to overtake him, giving him the chance to run in slow motion and get caught in some very fragile dead bush.
Guard #1: hold him! You know the law.
I.P.Y.M: I know the law’s an ass.
Guard #2: What? What does that even mean?
I.P.Y.M: It means please don’t cut off my hand.
Guard #1: Listen, I’ve been looking forward to this all day, so just put your arm out.
I.P.Y.M: Umm… Think of the children?
Guard #2: You don’t have any children.
I.P.Y.M.: I may. Some day.
Guard #1: Listen, if we’re just going to stand around all day making references to other movies, we may as well go home. Put out your bloody arm so I can chop your hand off!
I.P.Y.M.: How about just a finger?
Guard #1: Actually that sounds alright.
Guard #2: Here, put your hand out on this log. I’ll show you exactly how to do it.
An arrow shoots into the log between Guard #2’s fingers, followed by several other arrows in unrealistically fast succession.
Guard #2: You missed! Five times!
Hooded figure: Oh snap. Well then, bugger off before I stop missing! It might happen! You know, any time now!
Guard #1: Nah. Let’s debate capital punishment for a while. I’ll be for, you can be against.
Hooded figure: We could do that. Oh by the way, you’re surrounded.
On the other side of a hill, another QUITE PRETTY YOUNG MAN pretends to be an entire army.
Hooded figure: Seriously. Now off you go. Think of his children.
Guard #1: He hasn’t got any-
The hooded figure shoots an arrow up in the air, landing in Guard #1’s saddle.
Guard #1: Listen, did you want to go off and practise for a while? I mean, your aim’s not all that great. But since you have us surrounded we will leave. But not because of the children. I just want to make that perfectly clear.
The quite pretty young man stops pretending to be an entire army and joins the others as the guards ride away.
Q.P.Y.M: Yeah! That’s right! You better run! The two of us will kick your asses!
The hooded figure removes his hood, revealing himself to be a VERY PRETTY YOUNG MAN.
V.P.Y.M.: Great. Look what you’ve done.
Guard #1: Two? Oh, you’re so nicked!
The guards chase the two pretty young men into the credit sequence.
V.P.Y.M.: First of many LoTR references! Fantastic! (he hides in the roots of a tree and pulls the quite pretty young man in with him)
Guard #1: Oh come off it. This is too silly. If you’re not going to take this whole thing seriously, I’m heading back to Nottingham. (rides off)
V.P.Y.M.: It’s been five years. How come you’re still so dumb?
Q.P.Y.M.: I’m not, actually. But you need to look smart in comparison, so let’s pretend I’m really bad at details. Let’s go home. I’m really very hungry. I’m going to eat a whole cow. And a pig. And a sheep. Or I could sing.
V.P.Y.M.: Now we’ll have none of that.
The pretty young men come across what in theory is a house, but it appears to have no walls. What it does have is a SURLY MAN and his NOT SO SURLY DAUGHTER.
Q.P.Y.M.: Master, we’re not stopping here. Not even to give this man walls. Or make out with his daughter. No showing off. We’re going home.
V.P.Y.M.: I think now is the perfect opportunity for me to show how I will never listen to what you have to say, even though we’ve been friends our entire lives and you’re usually right.
SURLY MAN: You two are outlaws aren’t you?
V.P.Y.M.: Not yet.
S.M.: You look like outlaws.
V.P.Y.M.: Well, we’re not.
S.M.: You sure you’re not outlaws?
V.P.Y.M.: Not for at least another half hour or so.
S.M.: If you say so. Come help me dig a hole.
Q.P.Y.M.: Did you say that you need help digging? I LOVE DIGGING. Please Master, let’s help this confusing and surly man dig.
V.P.Y.M….(my fingers are starting to hurt so let’s just call him) ROBIN: Much, since when did you like digging?
Q.P.Y.M. who happens to be called MUCH: You don’t know everything about me.
ROBIN: Fine. Dig your stupid hole.
MUCH: I love you. Really.
ROBIN AND MUCH dig a hole. They’re not very good at it.
ROBIN: Why are we doing this anyway?
MUCH: It’s a hole. Does it need a reason? If we don’t dig, there won’t be a hole.
ROBIN: …I hate digging. I’ll be over there, disrespecting this man’s hospitality.
Robin heads inside the wall-less house to chat up the daughter, SARAH.
ROBIN: Hi there.
SARAH: So. It’s getting late. You should totally sleep here tonight.
ROBIN: Hey, I haven’t even gotten to the part where I’m a Lord and fought in the Crusades and…
SARAH: That’s nice. Sex time now.
ROBIN: What, here? Your father’d kill me!
SARAH: Only if he could see us.
ROBIN: …you know this house has no walls, right? ….right?
Robin struggles to be a gentleman. This struggle is not very long. They make out. Meanwhile, Much is listening to a very boring story.
SURLY MAN: I hate taxes. The SHERIFF is a total prick and taxes us. He even taxes the taxes.
MUCH: (sees Robin and Sarah getting busy) Oh my - I mean that’s horrible. I’m totally shocked by your story. Not with anything else. Do I have something in my teeth? Look really closely. At me. Not at your house. Because there’s nothing happening there.
SURLY MAN: That’s strange. Sarah’s not trying to seduce your friend? She usually tries that right about now.
MUCH: Really? That’s interesting. Really. Because my master… he would never get it on with her. Never. He doesn’t even like girls.
SURLY MAN: He what? (He turns around to see that Robin does indeed like girls)
MUCH: Oh this could not possibly have ever ended well.
SURLY MAN: Let’s fight, you womanising bastard!
ROBIN: I’m a lover, not a fighter.
SURLY MAN: Too bad.
They fight. The surly man is quite good with a sword. However, ROBIN has a scimitar and therefore is ten times more awesome.
ROBIN: Check me out. I can jump off this building, somersault in the air, and be the most awesome thing you’ll ever see!
Robin does so. He and Much run off into the sunset together, hand in hand.
SARAH: damn. It’s always the gorgeous ones.
The next day, Robin and Much arrive at Locksley. They share a semi-manly embrace before heading down into town. Robin has a Gladiator moment on the walk, and enjoys the feeling of some wheat between his fingers.
MUCH: Hi there townsfolk, we’re totally not outlaws.
The townsfolk don’t believe him, and go to hide in their homes. An old carpenter continues working, oblivious.
ROBIN: Dan Scarlett, old buddy, old chum!
DAN: Robin! And your little toyboy! Good to have you back! …have you seen my hand anywhere?
MUCH: sorry?
DAN: my hand. Gisbourne took it and he won’t give it back.
ROBIN: This is madness!
MUCH: This ….
ROBIN: Much, what have I told you about making film references? That’s MY job!
A young boy and his RIDICULOUSLY PRETTY YOUNG MAN for a brother come out of the house and look at the two totally-not-outlaws with suspicion.
DAN: Luke! Will! It’s Robin come back from the wars to make everything better!
LUKE: That is an awesome bow. I can shoot too!
He fires an arrow. He’s not particularly good.
ROBIN: (laughs) He’s wonderful! Just like you and your wife!
Dan gets very quiet and sad.
MUCH: ooh, awkward…
DAN: She’s dead, Robin. Everyone in Locksley’s been doing really badly since you left us to Gisbourne. You bloody prick.
ROBIN: Well, don’t worry, I’ll make everything better again.
A group of soldiers ride into Locksley. Will takes the weapon away from Luke. As the soldiers ride in, one man breaks off. He is incredibly gorgeous and wearing nothing but black leather, so is obviously a villain. It is GUY of Gisbourne, the Sheriff’s right hand man.
GUY: yeah, that’s right. I am officially more awesome than anyone else in this show. Check out all the leather! And my angst!hair!
The soldiers drag everyone out of their homes.
GUY: So. Someone’s stealing food. Give it back.
Will and Luke are suspiciously quiet.
ROBIN: Oi!
The crowd parts almost biblically to allow Robin through.
GUY: What the hell, man?
ROBIN: Stop picking on my peasants. I’m back now, that’s my job.
Much places a fur cloak over Robin’s shoulders, and the peasants all bow down to Much’s magical ability to pull large cloaks from nowhere.
Later on, at Locksley Manor, Robin is manhandling his butler THORNTON, and his maid MARY is giving Much the eye.
THORNTON: Now that we’re finished with the completely unnecessary touching, go have a bath. You stink. I’ll get you some food.
MUCH: What about me?
THORNTON: go clean out the stables or something, will you?
ROBIN: Thornton, I know I’m never really going to make a big deal out of this or even make it clear that it’s happened ever ever again, but I’ve made Much a free man.
MUCH: I’m going to own lands.
THORNTON: (pauses for a moment) Him?
Much heads upstairs to take a much-needed (heh) bath at the same moment that Guy enters the room.
GUY: So, dude, you’re back. Let’s party.
ROBIN: I don’t think so, boyfriend. You totally disrespected my people.
GUY: Fine. How’s the Holy Land? King not dead yet?
ROBIN: He’s killing lots of people. People try to kill him, they don’t do so well. The whole thing is stupid.
GUY: You don’t like to fight? I’ve seen you fight. I know you like it.
ROBIN: when the hell did you see me fight?
GUY: (looks off into the distance) let’s not talk about the past.
ROBIN: sounds good to me. I hate the past. I’ve changed.
GUY: Anyway. The Sheriff’s gonna throw you a party.
ROBIN: I hate the stinkin’ Sheriff. I’m having my own party. And I’m going to free all the prisoners that I bet you have locked up round here.
GUY: If you want. Good luck with all that.
Upstairs, Much is having a bath. Mary comes in with some towels.
MARY: What was the war like?
MUCH: You wouldn’t like it.
MARY: whatever. You’re a big girl anyway. (she leaves)
Much is left alone with his post-traumatic stress disorder. Luckily, Robin enters before Much can slip too deep into depression.
ROBIN: come on man, we’re gonna go see Marian. I mean her dad. The old Sheriff. Not Marian.
They ride to Knighton Hall, where EDWARD Knighton, the old Sheriff (and Marian’s dad) has apparently gone completely loco.
EDWARD: Crooks! Bandits! Con artists!
MUCH: (whispers to Robin) the old man can see the future… let’s get out of here!
ROBIN: Edward, it’s me, Robin! Locksley? Holy Land? Totally awesome and all round good guy? Left your daughter at the altar? No?
EDWARD: How is any of that supposed to convince me? Go away!
An ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS YOUNG WOMAN holding a drawn longbow enters the scene. As it is obviously MARIAN, we shall continue on as planned.
MARIAN: You heard my daddy. Shunt off.
ROBIN: Marian. What’s up, baby? How you been?
MARIAN: You know I have an arrow pointed at your head, right?
ROBIN: But it’s me! Your fiancee! Remember? I totally ditched you to go kill people on the other side of the world?
MARIAN: I know. Hence the arrow. Idiot. Bugger off.
ROBIN: Come on baby, don’t be like that. We can work this out, can’t we?
MARIAN: Leave. Or die. Either way works for me.
Much drags Robin away.
MUCH: Unbelievable!
ROBIN: I know. She’s still single.
MUCH: I meant… you know, the longbow and… Robin? Are you listening to me?
ROBIN: She still digs me, right? You got that?
MUCH: Oh, please.
They head back to Locksley, where Robin’s party is already over and all the peasants have eaten a lot, except possibly for Will and Luke Scarlett, who are nowhere to be seen. There is a distinct lack of pretty at the Manor. Dan is standing mournful at the gates.
ROBIN: Dan? Where’s all the pretty? Where are your boys?
DAN: Well, you know how Gisbourne was looking for the stolen food?
ROBIN: Did your boys steal it?
DAN: Well, duh. And now they’re in the dungeons at Nottingham.
ROBIN: We’ll see about that!
Cut to Nottingham. It’s Wednesday: market day! Unfortunately market day seems to be cancelled. The peasants wandering the streets are all very sad.
MUCH: So. No market day.
ROBIN: Maybe it is. Maybe the peasants just got lazy and don’t have anything to sell. Or maybe the Sheriff totally took everything they have.
MUCH: Nah, why would that happen?
ROBIN: Dude. What show are you in? ‘Cause I’m in the one with the evil sheriff and his sexy… I mean evil minion!
Cut to the evil sheriff and his sexyevil minion. Sheriff VASEY is laughing like a crazy person. Which makes quite a lot of sense.
GUY: My lord, I do not think that this is a laughing matter.
VASEY: Sorry, remind me. Did you or did you not flounce out of Locksley like a big baby following the boring old law of property ownership? Or did you take your many guards and kill him and his one manservant? I’ve forgotten. I’m quite old you know. But not old enough to be less awesome than anyone else in this show.
GUY: Why you so mean to me, daddy? …I mean my lord?
VASEY: Because you’re a total idiot, that’s why. Now go away and be good and daddy’ll get your pretty lands back for you.
Meanwhile, Robin and Much are hanging out checking out some gallows.
MUCH: gee, I hope nobody I know is ever going to be put up there. Ever.
ROBIN: thanks for jinxing it for us, Much. Let’s go inside and I can be all lordly and annoying.
Inside, there appears to be a meeting of lords or some such thing going on. There is some awesome hat action going down.
RANDOM LORD #1: So we totally stole all this money from our peasants.
VASEY: yeah, like that’s ever going to be enough for anything. Do better. It’s for the King. Totally.
Robin enters like the great big hero he is. Marian, who is for some reason allowed to be present during this meeting, rolls her eyes.
ROBIN: morning, everyone! How’s things? Jerry, how’re the kids? Not dead or anything? Eddie… Still totally hating me? Still nutso? Bob! I’ve missed our golf sessions!
VASEY: right. So. Wanker alert. How are your lands going? Guy did a good job?
ROBIN: Nope.
GUY: Did too.
VASEY: aren’t your peasants total bastards? We’ve got some in the dungeons.
ROBIN: That can’t be right. My peasants are cute little innocent teddy bears. Why would they do anything? Bet it’s your fault.
VASEY: This is boring. Let’s raise some more money. For the King. And his war. Totally not for me.
ROBIN: War, uh, what is it good for, absolutely nothing, ngh… c’mon… anybody? Let’s stop the taxes. All of them. They’re not good for anything anyway.
All the random lords have coughing fits. It is clear they do not agree. They like taxes. And expensive hats. Marian continues to be less than impressed.
VASEY: that’s it. I’m going to go off and play with a cute little bird. (crushes the cute little bird to death) huh. Oops.
Meanwhile, somewhere less creepy, Marian is attempting to deal with an apparently quite randy Robin.
MARIAN: So my dad’s considering forgiving you. You gonna mess it up? Or maybe say you’re going to turn up, and then go fight a war or something?
Marian is clearly not holding any grudges at all.
ROBIN: Yeah yeah I’ll be there. By the way, you’re totally hot. Still single? Maybe want to… hook up again?
MARIAN: will you bugger off? I’m only talking to you ‘cause my dad needed me to. Go play with Much or something.
ROBIN: Maybe later. Seriously. You are looking fine… uh… your eyes. They totally see into my soul.
Robin attempts to kiss her.
MARIAN: Five years and your lines still suck. (she leaves)
Instead of doing the smart thing and following her to try and prove he still loves her or something, ROBIN grabs MUCH heads to the dungeons. Well, who could blame him? I mean, both WILL and the I.P.Y.M. from the opening scene are down here. And that is a lot of pretty.
ROBIN: So what the hell, man? What’d you do?
WILL: I’m going to give you this really long speech about all the ‘crimes’ we’ve committed. Like being poor and hungry and too pretty for words. You have no idea how hard our lives have been.
ROBIN: So what’s gonna happen to you guys then? Slap on the wrist, wag of the finger?
The Jailor rubs his neck.
MUCH: Hanging? For real?
ROBIN: Told you you’d jinx it…
The prisoners totally freak out.
JAILOR: Why’d you go and tell ‘em that for? Now they’re gonna be cryin’ and screamin’ all day.
The guards drag the Scarlett boys away and bring out the I.P.Y.M.
I.P.Y.M.: So… still in a saving mood? Think of the children!
MUCH: Are we seriously still doing this?
ROBIN: You’re an idiot, you know that, pretty boy? Now you’re going to hang with the others, and we’re going to be short so much pretty in the woods. (He and MUCH leave)
I.P.Y.M.: Hang? But you’re only hanging the Locksley boys. I’m not from Locksley. I’m Allan a Dale, you really think anyone from Locksley has an awesome name like Allan a Dale?
He is not believed, and Robin goes off to a party.
VASEY: You kind of suck, don’t you?
MUCH: My master doesn’t suck! He’s Robin of Locksley: totally awesome and all round good guy!
ROBIN: Pardon your prisoners. They’re too pretty to die.
VASEY: I hate the pretty. That’s why they’re hanging in the morning.
ROBIN: Why do you have to be such a dick about this?
VASEY: la di da di da… if you’re going to be so boring, go back to Locksley and we’ll have the party without you. So tomorrow, you’ll be overseeing the hanging. You cool with that?
ROBIN: What have we just been talking about?
VASEY: You’re boring and weak. And I’m officially too awesome for this scene.
Vasey leaves and Marian enters.
GUY: Marian. What’s up, baby? How you been?
MARIAN: Well, this isn’t at all familiar…
ROBIN: Steals my land, steals my girlfriend, steals my lines…
Marian shoots eye daggers at Robin and goes off with Guy. Can’t blame her really. We see the first true appearance of Angst!Robin, who will probably never leave us alone again.
Later that night back at Knighton Hall, Robin is sneaking in to meet with Edward.
EDWARD: So. I’m not really crazy.
ROBIN: Right. So what are we doing?
EDWARD: Whatever you do, don’t make any grand statements or do anything stupid. Play it subtle. You need to quietly turn the other random lords to our side.
ROBIN: Yeah, probably not going to bother with any of that. Got to save my pretty peasants.
MARIAN: You’re going to have to let them die.
ROBIN: When did you become such a bitch?
MARIAN: Oh let me think.
EDWARD: Marian, be quiet. You’re a woman. You don’t understand.
Marian totally does, but bides her time.
EDWARD: Now, Robin, be careful. If you do anything particularly rash say, like, saving peasants, or threatening to kill people, you’ll become an outlaw or get yourself killed.
Later that night back at Locksley, Angst!Robin is staring into some fire and contemplating whether or not he should do the smart thing. His actions so far have pretty much already answered this for us.
The next morning, Robin is back at Nottingham getting spat on by peasants.
DAN: Don’t worry, idiot. This isn’t entirely your fault. Well it is, because you left in the first place.
VASEY: Let’s get some hangin’ done!
Guards bring out Will, Allan, Luke and ...some random peasant.
VASEY: Locksley, no funny business, or we’ll totally kill your boyfriend.
We now see that a couple of guards have grabbed Much and are threatening to drop him off the wall.
ROBIN: You are so evil. (He reads from some parchment) Let it be known that on this day by the order of King Richard or something or other, these guys over there need to be hanged.
Guards place bags over all four men’s heads. Dan is not happy about this. Robin nods to a random priest in the crowd.
PRIEST: Wait!
VASEY: uff. “now please don’t kill my baby, my little brother, my inbred cousin!” I hate people.
PRIEST: Nah, I just don’t want to lose guys from my order. They’re totally priests.
VASEY: Okay, that’s not a total lie.
PRIEST: No they totally are. Joined last night and everything.
VASEY: Shut up.
PRIEST: (pulls out some paper) Check it out, this is from the Bishop. And it’s totally not fake. You can’t kill them.
VASEY: Can too. I can arrest you too.
The priest is chased by several guards. Turns out he’s totally not really a priest, but one of Robin’s peasants.
VASEY: Let’s get on with it then!
Executioners start the hanging. Robin goes into some sort of glowy flashback mode where he sees a whole bunch of stuff we’ve already seen this episode, and grabs a guard’s longbow.
ROBIN: People of Nottingham! (he shoots an arrow and frees Luke) This is total bullshit! (he frees Will) Will you tolerate this injustice? (with two arrows frees Allan and … that other guy) I’m totally not going to.
Fighting ensues.
MUCH: Master, help!
Robin has clearly forgotten about the killing-of-the-boyfriend threat. But it’s all good, because apparently, Robin has super-sword-throwing powers. The sword flies across the courtyard all the way to the top of the wall and knocks both guards in the head.
Meanwhile, back in the slightly less unbelievable battle below, Dan gives Will an axe. This is almost important. Dan escapes with Luke and that peasant dude. Robin is about to get arrow’d by a guard. Instead of doing anything useful, Robin stands and stares at him. Luckily, Marian is more awesome than anything ever and throws one of her hairpins into the guard’s arm. Robin looks up to her and she walks away.
MUCH: Shouldn’t we be escaping or something?
Robin wakes up and smells the imminent danger, and they flee along with Allan and Will. A dozen archers line up ready to fill the foursome with arrows.
ROBIN: Yeah, like you guys’ll ever hit anything!
Robin and Much jump on a horse, and Allan and Will ride another. The two couples ride in slow motion through a whole bunch of arrows. They escape to Sherwood Forest.
WILL: I’ll be over there somewhere. Getting kindling or something.
MUCH: so I don’t get my lands and stuff, do I?
ROBIN: Yeah, that wasn’t really ever going to happen, so get over it.
A MYSTERIOUSLY AWESOME VOICE CALLS FROM THE TOP OF A CLIFF: Oi! This is our forest!
Robin, Much and Allan look up to discover they are surrounded by outlaws, one of which is huge and bearded and looks like he could just be someone who would be called LITTLE JOHN.
But before we can find this out… credit roll! To be continued in episode 2 - Sheriff got your tongue? In which the Sheriff may take some tongues.