I'm not sure I can help-- but this time last year, I was applying to writing programs, not because I wanted to be a writer, but because I'd majored in writing, and I didn't know what else to do. Flash forward, I've worked 80 shitty jobs, I'm in the same town I went to college in, and I'm currently working a temp job. I don't always put it like that, because I'm afraid it makes me sound like a failure. So what am I doing now?
Applying to graduate school in writing. But this year, I actually want to do it. I actually got in to a program last year, even without being 100% behind myself-- but this year, I realized, I do want to teach writing, I do want to study poetry (or fiction, that's the real problem now). But it took me a year and a half to get there, and to know that I actually wanted to do it, not that it was the thing I was led to because I was out of other options.
I've got incredible professors who backed me last year-- even when I pulled out of several applications, even after they'd done the work. If you're not sure, my guess is that your professors will back you, even if you change your mind. (And if there's one you're not sure about, let him send the letter... I still have a letter of recommendation at the University of Oregon from a professor I couldn't face, haha. I never applied there.)
I do wonder if the reason I'm applying with such fervor is that I've found ennui in the "real world," that I'm going through existential crises all the time-- but I think that those things, those disappointments, are what really makes me want to write, more than ever. Even though I realize I'll probably be an even bigger "failure" as a writer than as a temp. But I think that aimlessness helps steer you harder and faster towards what you'll eventually want to do. If that makes sense.
I just hate seeing you having these kind of internal struggles, because I was/and sort of still am there, and it's a really, really hard place to be. I hope that you find what brings you peace, and that you are able to be proud of the decision, and not worry that other people are going to judge you. (I think that's where I went wrong-- always worrying that people were going to think I'd failed, when really, I was the one who thought I'd failed.) We're still young, I guess, is all I mean. I'd hate to see you not do something you wanted to do because of what you thought you were supposed to do.
Good luck, Monica! You're one of the smartest people I know, and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.
You always offer some of the best insights on these kinds of situations. I may just finish with these applications and see if somebody somewhere accepts me anyway, and if they do, I could take it as a sign that maybe I was meant to do this after all. And if not, it wouldn't be for lack of trying.
I'm glad to hear you may be finding your calling; it definitely gives hope to the rest of us. And I'm pretty sure "existential crises" are the trademark of any writer worth his salt.
Incidentally, do you know if universities hang on to letters of recommendation, or do they get rid of them after every application cycle?
:) I can't say for all universities, but I can say that both Vanderbilt and Idaho held on to my letters of recommendation, but Indiana didn't. One way to ensure that you can use them again int he future, though, is to ask the professor to either save a copy or to give you a copy. That way, in a couple of years, you just call them for permission and they send it back out.
And definitely go ahead and send the apps-- you never know when something will be the perfect situation. (That's what I keep telling myself, haha. :))
Applying to graduate school in writing. But this year, I actually want to do it. I actually got in to a program last year, even without being 100% behind myself-- but this year, I realized, I do want to teach writing, I do want to study poetry (or fiction, that's the real problem now). But it took me a year and a half to get there, and to know that I actually wanted to do it, not that it was the thing I was led to because I was out of other options.
I've got incredible professors who backed me last year-- even when I pulled out of several applications, even after they'd done the work. If you're not sure, my guess is that your professors will back you, even if you change your mind. (And if there's one you're not sure about, let him send the letter... I still have a letter of recommendation at the University of Oregon from a professor I couldn't face, haha. I never applied there.)
I do wonder if the reason I'm applying with such fervor is that I've found ennui in the "real world," that I'm going through existential crises all the time-- but I think that those things, those disappointments, are what really makes me want to write, more than ever. Even though I realize I'll probably be an even bigger "failure" as a writer than as a temp. But I think that aimlessness helps steer you harder and faster towards what you'll eventually want to do. If that makes sense.
I just hate seeing you having these kind of internal struggles, because I was/and sort of still am there, and it's a really, really hard place to be. I hope that you find what brings you peace, and that you are able to be proud of the decision, and not worry that other people are going to judge you. (I think that's where I went wrong-- always worrying that people were going to think I'd failed, when really, I was the one who thought I'd failed.) We're still young, I guess, is all I mean. I'd hate to see you not do something you wanted to do because of what you thought you were supposed to do.
Good luck, Monica! You're one of the smartest people I know, and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.
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You always offer some of the best insights on these kinds of situations. I may just finish with these applications and see if somebody somewhere accepts me anyway, and if they do, I could take it as a sign that maybe I was meant to do this after all. And if not, it wouldn't be for lack of trying.
I'm glad to hear you may be finding your calling; it definitely gives hope to the rest of us. And I'm pretty sure "existential crises" are the trademark of any writer worth his salt.
Incidentally, do you know if universities hang on to letters of recommendation, or do they get rid of them after every application cycle?
Many thanks for your thoughts and encouragement!
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And definitely go ahead and send the apps-- you never know when something will be the perfect situation. (That's what I keep telling myself, haha. :))
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