No Haven For This Heart (1/9)
Title: No Haven For This Heart (1/9)
Words: ~4000
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Kara Thrace, Lee Adama, Karl Agathon
Summary: Set during season 3. Kara reups with the Colonial Fleet, trying to get her life back to the way it was, but her choices have left her with irreparable changes and the consequences thereof. She is not the person she was the day she left. AU after the year that Baltar’s Hair ate.
Author’s Note: Beta’d by the lovely sci_fi_shipper . Thanks to everyone who listened to me complain about this. Title lovingly ripped from Vienna Teng’s “My Medea”. Anyone familiar with the song should let it clue you in on what’s so AU about this AU.
Everyone rose as the CAG took the podium, except for Kara who stayed slouched in her seat, foot propped up on the chair in front of her. Lee glared, but did not say a word. He just turned to the papers in front of him.
“I want to thank you all,” he began. “It’s been a long day following several very long months after an incredibly long year. I want to express my gratitude for those of you who stayed and served even during our brief peace time, and throughout the…”
Lee droned on about duty and making the right decision. Speech-making, she thought, clearly was not a trait that ran in the Adama family. She tried to tune him out, focus on something else, but couldn’t help but snort and roll her eyes, when he got to the part about how hard it had been to serve during the Cylon occupation of New Caprica.
“Got something you want to share with the class, Starbuck?” he asked, fixing her with a cold look.
“Sir, no sir,” she said, a sickeningly sweet smile forced onto her face. “Carry on, sir.”
A low ripple of laughter sounded through the briefing room as Lee continued with his papers. There would have been a time where he would have clenched his jaw, but there would have been a tiny uptick at the corner of his mouth, and she would have grinned, and everything would have been business as usual.
That was a long time ago.
“…performance evaluations today. Most of you have proven that your skills are still up to par, despite time on the ground. Those of you who passed will be put on the CAP roster, ASAP.” Lee tapped his pen against the podium. He’d droned on all morning about making sure his were pilots flight-ready, exactly the way they had been before New Caprica. Like he was one to talk. “Those of you who did not will report at 0600 tomorrow morning for remedial training with Lieutenant Katraine. Each of you will be informed in private. Thank you for your time. Dismissed.”
Kara was halfway out the door, wondering if there was anything resembling a decent card game happening, when she heard Lee’s clipped voice from the podium. “Captain Thrace.”
Lords, even his voice grated now. She turned, arms folded across her chest. “What?”
He didn’t even look up from his papers as he spoke. “You will report to Lieutenant Katraine at 0600 tomorrow morning.”
“You’re putting me in remedial flight classes? Frak that.” Kara demanded, storming up to the podium.
He didn’t even look up at her, just kept studying his files. “I’m going by standard protocol. You didn’t pass the evaluation, Starbuck. You’re more than welcome to retest when Kat feels you are ready for it.”
“Bullshit,” she hissed. Gods, he was trying to get back at her, wasn’t he? That was the only frakking explanation. “That’s a load of crap and you know it.”
“No one’s blaming you, Captain.” His voice was cool and detached and it made her want to punch him in the gut or scratch him in the face. Make him hurt. Make him show her anything but this fake professional act, because it was an act. “A year away from duty would do that to you, not to mention the other… developments in your life.”
Kara swallowed hard. Frak him, frak him, frak him. Her fists clenched so tight, she might have been cutting off her own circulation. “That’s none of your godsdamned business,” she spat.
“You know what, it is my business.” Lee finally met her gaze. If looks could kill, she would have dropped dead on the spot. Instead, she straightened her spine, squaring her shoulders, and refused to look away. “I am the CAG, and one of my pilots is being a pain in my frakking ass because she doesn’t have the chops to fly anymore, and instead of putting in the work to prevent herself from getting killed and getting countless of others killed in the process, she is standing here acting like she wants to get thrown in the brig for insubordination. Does that not sound like my business to you, Captain?”
She sucked in a steeling breath, as she looked him up and down. He looked like a stranger, now, and that’s all they’d ever be. “How about the test to see if we can still fit in the cockpit, Apollo. Let me know how you do with that one.”
She watched the line of his throat as he swallowed-obviously burning to say something, do anything-but he turned away. “Report to Katraine at 0600. Dismissed.” With that, he turned and pushed past her leaving her standing in the abandoned room.
Kara supposed that point went to her, not that she was keeping score, but her victory felt hollow. They usually did these days. She closed her eyes as she let out a deep sigh, but the pit of anger in her gut didn’t loosen. She needed something, anything right now to take the godsdamned edge off.
Fifteen minutes later, Kara was down in the firing range emptying clip after clip. The feel of her finger on the trigger felt oddly soothing. The target was a generic Cylon centurion, not really the image she wanted to be destroying, but it would do for now. She didn’t even have to think too hard to see Leoben’s face in the middle of the bullseye. The sonofabitch’s face was burned into her mind, if she couldn’t get rid of it this would be the second best thing.
When the paper hung in shreds, she set the gun aside to admire her handiwork. Taking a slow breath, she no longer wanted to crawl out of her own skin. Just as long as she didn’t think about anything that had happened earlier in the day, she would be fine. All she had to do now was make it to the mess before they stopped serving food, go back to her quarters and-shit. Something was missing.
“Frak,” she muttered to herself. She tossed her goggles and headset aside as she bolted out the door. How the hell could she have forgotten?
The daycare center was little more than an abandoned storage unit, filled with plastic chairs and tables that had somehow managed to survive the end of the worlds, but it had been a necessity-one for which Kara was eternally grateful. However, at this hour, there were very few people when she arrived. But, just as she expected, the one she was looking for was there and awake and screaming her little lungs out.
“Captain Thrace,” Petty Officer Warren greeted her with the eardrum-breaking bundle in his arms.
“I lost track of time,” she muttered, as she took the crying infant from him. Almost instantly, the deafening shrieks turned into hiccupping sobs. She muttered a thanks over her shoulder as she turned to leave. “Shhh,” she muttered, curling her arms around the baby. “Come on, Seph. It’s okay. Momma’s here.”
* * *
Lee’s heart hammered in his chest as he stumbled to a stop in the middle of the corridor. He bent forward, hands on his knees as he gulped down air, trying to catch his breath, and he wondered how the hell jogging got to be so hard. Lee heard Helo slow to a stop several meters ahead of him before doubling back.
Lee knew he was trying valiantly not to smile. “You know, Apollo, generally fitness tests aren’t given pass-fail; but in your case-”
“Very funny,” he managed, between gasps. Lee righted himself, leaning against the bulkhead. He hadn’t even made it one lap around the deck before he needed this break. Pathetic was the word that sprang to mind. He couldn’t remember the last time he had set foot in a gym or taken a jog around the deck. The last couple of months, Lee’d felt like he was moving through a fog. There was simultaneously too much and not enough stuff to do, trying to devise a rescue plan to New Caprica. He’d just felt so weighed down, and looking in the mirror lately, he could see why.
Lee wiped a hand over his brow and sighed. “This is harder than I remember,” he said.
“You want to quit?” Helo asked, with a pointed edge to his voice.
How about the test to see if we can still fit in the cockpit, Apollo. Lee shook his head. “No, of course not. Absolutely not.”
“Then move it or lose it,” Helo picked up the pace again, jogging backwards with his eyes fixed on Lee.
Lee rolled his eyes and pushed off from the wall, trailing Helo down the corridor huffing and puffing the whole way, until they finally pulled to a stop in front of the gym. “More?” he groaned.
“You’re the one who wanted to lose the noodle-gut,” Helo said, striding over the threshold. “If you don’t want to-”
“I do,” Lee panted, sinking down on a weight bench. “I do.”
He grimaced as Helo handed him a set of free weights. A year ago, he would have been able to lift them without a problem. The rigorous set of moves Karl Agathon took him through, had his muscles aching and shaking. The burn was good though, it meant he couldn’t focus on the other things on his mind.
Couldn’t focus on the way Kara Thrace had worked her way back into his life after she’d made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want a godsdamned thing to do with him.
“Come on, Apollo,” Helo said, just as it felt like his arms were about to drop straight off his body. “Nothing worth having happens overnight. You can’t just wake up one day and expect change to happen. You’ve gotta work for it.”
“Believe me,” Lee hissed, squeezing out another rep with a strength he was sure he had lost. “I know.”
Thirty minutes later, Karl told him to put the weights aside and tossed him a towel. “Good work today. Maybe in a few months you’ll earn back that callsign of yours.”
“You’re a real comedian.” Lee mopped his forehead as he got to his feet. This was only the first workout following his new resolution to get back in shape, and he wasn’t entirely sure he was going to be able to get out of bed tomorrow for the next one. “Thanks.”
“Not a problem. It’s good to work out with someone else; keeps you accountable, keeps you grounded.” Helo shrugged and took a swig out of his water bottle. “So, Lee. How does it feel to be back aboard Galactica?”
Despite the command, Pegasus had never felt like home to Lee. It had been his position and his job, but letting go of Pegasus in the last battle felt like the beginning of a return to how life used to be. Almost. Nothing was ever going to go back to the way it used to be. “Great,” he muttered. Helo offered him the water bottle and he drank deeply. “It’s an adjustment, but I definitely missed this place. Never thought I’d live to say those words.”
“Right, now can you give me the answer that isn’t for the rabid press?”
Lee closed his eyes. The details of the return to Galactica burned fresh into his mind. Stepping off the raptor into the sea of refugees, Dee at his side. There had been a charge of relief and anticipation that filled the air-along with the stench of filth and sweat. But the one thing that stood out most in his mind, stepping out of another raptor across the deck…
“I’m fine, Helo. Just getting on with my life.”
Helo took back the bottle of water and took a long swig. “And getting on with your life involves feuds your pilots?” Before Lee could say anything, he held up his hands in defense. “First of all, word gets around. Second of all, I outrank you now. Keep that in mind.”
Lee scrubbed a hand over his face. He’d been torn when he saw Kat’s reviews on all the pilots returning from New Caprica. His initial reaction was shock, to see that someone with Kara’s skills had fallen so far. But that only lasted a second before he realized she deserved whatever the frak was coming to her. “Starbuck isn’t the only one who needs to be retrained. It’s just a matter of protocol.”
“I’m not talking about the training. You have my full support there,” he said. “I know you guys used to fight, but it never lasted long. From what I’m hearing…”
“Oh, come on, Karl,” Lee grumbled. “You haven’t been XO so long that you forgot how pilots talk. Everything is about making their story bigger and crazier than the last version. She was insubordinate, and I set her straight.”
Helo studied him with a somewhat incredulous look on his face. “Look, I know it’s none of my business, but the two of you used to be friends. I don’t know what the hell happened between the two of you, but you work together now. Don’t you think you should at least try to be civil with each other?”
“I’m going to treat her the same way I treat every other pilot,” Lee said. In the past, Kara always managed to slide for the little things, from snide comments to outright bucking authority. That was just the way she was, that was the Kara Thrace he’d known. Turns out he hadn’t known a godsdamned thing about her. “And insubordination will not be tolerated.”
“Lee,” Helo said, moving to stand in front of him. “Just for that, you’re gonna drop and give me fifty.”
“Karl!”
“No pain, no gain, my friend.”
Groaning, Lee got down to the cold metal floor. His arms ached and this set was going to be hell. But he closed his eyes, thoughts going back to setting foot back on Galactica for the first time after the Exodus. He remembered looking across the deck at the last Raptor coming off of the planet. Stepping down from the wing, was the stranger that Kara Thrace had become, with her hair long, a new tattoo on her skin, and-of all things-a baby in her arms. She’d told him once that she never wanted to have kids. Then again, she’d told him she wasn’t getting married either. Guess she just needed to find the right guy-frakking Pyramid Star Anders-to settle down with.
Suddenly, those push-ups seemed like nothing.
* * *
The bundle of kindling thudded against Kara’s back as she stooped to pull back the flap to the tent. Sam was sitting hunched over the one cast iron pot they owned, cooking up dinner with the last of their firewood.
“Back already?” he asked, as she dropped the pile of sticks in the corner.
“I told you it wasn’t a big deal.” Kara shrugged off her jacket.
“I know,” Sam said. He rose from his seat, putting the cover on the pot. “It’s just a long walk and I just don’t want you over-exerting yourself.”
She rolled her eyes, didn’t even bother to face him. If he was going to act like this for the next seven months, she wanted out. “I don’t need the help. I’m pregnant, Sammy. Not broken.”
Although, sometimes it didn’t exactly feel that way. Whatever he was cooking was sending up a smell that her stomach didn’t agree with. Kara raced out of the tent and made it about ten feet out before she doubled-over and vomited. Predictably, Sam was right behind her, pulling her hair away from her face. She knew people were staring, but she couldn’t bring herself to care all that much. When she finally stopped heaving, she shrugged him right off and walked back inside.
He followed. “Feeling better?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I feel frakking great. Can’t you see the glow?” she drawled. “Best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Sam let out an exasperated sigh, jaw clenching just a little. “You don’t have to take my head off, Kara. I’m just trying to help.”
“I don’t need it. What I need is to stop feeling like my insides constantly want to jump out of my throat.” Kara sank down on the cot. Of course, there was one way to end the incessant morning sickness, and that would be to end the pregnancy. Even though abortions had been made illegal during Roslin’s presidency, Cottle had been certain their new weasel of a president didn’t give a rat’s ass about enforcing that law.
Still, legal or not, abortion was a sin in the eyes of the gods. Her hand absently floated down over stomach. She had never wanted kids, kept up with her shots to avoid getting pregnant in the first place, because the truth was she hadn’t known what she would do if she ended up in this situation. Hell, she still didn’t. Kara pushed the thoughts out of her head and pushed herself up onto her elbows just as Sam walked over to her.
”You want something to eat?” he asked.
Kara shook her head. “Not unless it has no smell or taste or texture.”
Sam looked down at her with an affectionate smile. “I’ll get you some bread,” he said, heading back to what they laughingly called the kitchen. “I just keep thinking about how lucky I am to have gotten off of that nuked out planet, to be alive…”
Kara just grinned. “And who do you have to thank for that?”
“I know,” he said, with a mock-suffering sigh. But when he turned back to her with the bread, the bright smile on his face faded. He took another breath and muttered, “And I know.”
Kara raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”
“I know there was someone else,” his voice was calm and even. The blow he delivered next nearly knocked the wind out of her. “I can’t have kids, Kara.”
All the air was suddenly gone from her lungs and she struggled to find something, anything, to say. “What the h-”
“None of us can. After being stuck on Caprica for so long… the radiation meds could only do so much, you know? All of the resistance…”
Kara’s head swam. Sam was infertile, and he’d known. He’d known all along that the thing inside her wasn’t his and yet- “Why the hell are you saying this now?”
“I was hoping you’d say something first,” he said. “But then I realized that wasn’t going to happen… I thought it might help you make a decision.”
“Shit.” She shook her head, putting everything aside as she went for her jacket. If Sam wasn’t the father… then that meant… No. “I knew I married an idiot, but I didn’t know exactly how dumb you are until just now.”
“I’m an idiot for choosing to stay with someone I love? I don’t care who the father is, Kara. It’s your child, and you’re here. That’s all I care about.” Sam stood glued to the spot, arms folded across his chest.
“You got part of it right,” she muttered and was out the door before Sam could stop her. To his credit, he didn’t follow her.
Kara found herself wandering around New Caprica City for the better part of an hour before she needed to go. The only thing she could think to do was to go and get drunk, forget the whole evening, but that was obviously not an option right now. So she left, she didn’t know where she was headed, except away.
Check it out. It’s a great place for a house.
She hadn’t realized that she’d gotten so far away from the town, but there was nothing but grass and bushes as far as she could see. The sun had long disappeared, leaving nothing but the night sky and the faint gleam of metal of metal in space above her. Kara raked a hand through her hair. If Sam wasn’t the father…
Kara was left with only one conclusion as she stared out at the wasteland around her. “Frak,” she hissed. “FRAK!”. Her voice echoed in the empty night, lungs burning, like maybe if she could yell it loud enough it wouldn’t be true.
Like maybe if she could yell it loud enough, she wouldn’t be carrying Lee Adama’s baby.
But it was true. Of course, it was true. Of course, this was the sick kind of joke the gods would play on her.
It was supposed to be over. Lee was supposed to be a part of her past-where she didn’t have to miss him or remember him or think about him. She’d tried to cut every last tie between them. It was supposed to be easier that way.
But now…
Flickering in her mind, she remembered the last time she’d seen Lee-the utter hatred in his eyes and the venom in his voice. What if she hadn’t left? What would happen if she told him about the ba-no. It wouldn’t change a damned thing. What was done was done and there was nothing she could do about it.
Kara felt tears prickling at the corners of her eyes and she blinked hard. There was no frakking way she was going to cry about this. Kara shook her head, staring up into the night sky. “Happy now?!” she shouted.
She didn’t know whom she wanted the answer from.
A small cry jerked Kara out of her thoughts. Even in the darkened room, she could still see the outline of Seph’s crib. Kara slid out of the bed and peered over the edge. Seph looked like she was still asleep, despite kicking and whining like she was having a nightmare. Did babies have nightmares? She didn’t know. Hell, Kara didn’t have a godsdamned clue what she was doing, but she was damned well doing it.
She reached out, her hand brushing over Seph’s stomach and the little girl started to settle. Kara wouldn’t blame the kid if she was having a bad dream; Seph had certainly been born into enough nightmare material to last a lifetime. Kara’d been eight months pregnant when the cylons arrived at New Caprica, when she’d been taken from her tent by two cylon centurions and locked up in Leoben’s little piece of Hades.
Sometimes, she’d found herself wondering if having Seph had been a blessing or a curse in that hellhole-the things she might have done if she hadn’t had to protect her daughter. Kara felt bile rising in her throat, and quickly forced the thoughts out of her head.
Kara’s hand drifted up, tracing over Seph’s chin and cheek and nose. Seph looked, in so many ways, so much like Kara had in the few baby pictures she’d had, especially when she was sleeping. But when she was awake, she had the bluest eyes in the worlds-just like her father.
With the baby now calm, she drew her hand away, remembering that she had to report herself ass-early for remedial flight lessons thanks to said father. “Frakking Lee,” she grumbled as she climbed back into her rack. It hadn’t taken long to hear through the Galactica grapevine that Lee had been the one to order the jump away from New Caprica, and if it had been left up to him the fleet never would have returned. He would have been perfectly content leaving her-and Seph-to their own personal hell. The bastard wouldn’t have lost a minute of sleep over it.
Kara rolled over to look at the clock. It glared at her, harsh red numbers telling her it was 0200. It taunted her, reminding her that sleep wouldn’t come.
It rarely did these days.
--To Be Continued-
Words: ~4000
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Kara Thrace, Lee Adama, Karl Agathon
Summary: Set during season 3. Kara reups with the Colonial Fleet, trying to get her life back to the way it was, but her choices have left her with irreparable changes and the consequences thereof. She is not the person she was the day she left. AU after the year that Baltar’s Hair ate.
Author’s Note: Beta’d by the lovely sci_fi_shipper . Thanks to everyone who listened to me complain about this. Title lovingly ripped from Vienna Teng’s “My Medea”. Anyone familiar with the song should let it clue you in on what’s so AU about this AU.
Everyone rose as the CAG took the podium, except for Kara who stayed slouched in her seat, foot propped up on the chair in front of her. Lee glared, but did not say a word. He just turned to the papers in front of him.
“I want to thank you all,” he began. “It’s been a long day following several very long months after an incredibly long year. I want to express my gratitude for those of you who stayed and served even during our brief peace time, and throughout the…”
Lee droned on about duty and making the right decision. Speech-making, she thought, clearly was not a trait that ran in the Adama family. She tried to tune him out, focus on something else, but couldn’t help but snort and roll her eyes, when he got to the part about how hard it had been to serve during the Cylon occupation of New Caprica.
“Got something you want to share with the class, Starbuck?” he asked, fixing her with a cold look.
“Sir, no sir,” she said, a sickeningly sweet smile forced onto her face. “Carry on, sir.”
A low ripple of laughter sounded through the briefing room as Lee continued with his papers. There would have been a time where he would have clenched his jaw, but there would have been a tiny uptick at the corner of his mouth, and she would have grinned, and everything would have been business as usual.
That was a long time ago.
“…performance evaluations today. Most of you have proven that your skills are still up to par, despite time on the ground. Those of you who passed will be put on the CAP roster, ASAP.” Lee tapped his pen against the podium. He’d droned on all morning about making sure his were pilots flight-ready, exactly the way they had been before New Caprica. Like he was one to talk. “Those of you who did not will report at 0600 tomorrow morning for remedial training with Lieutenant Katraine. Each of you will be informed in private. Thank you for your time. Dismissed.”
Kara was halfway out the door, wondering if there was anything resembling a decent card game happening, when she heard Lee’s clipped voice from the podium. “Captain Thrace.”
Lords, even his voice grated now. She turned, arms folded across her chest. “What?”
He didn’t even look up from his papers as he spoke. “You will report to Lieutenant Katraine at 0600 tomorrow morning.”
“You’re putting me in remedial flight classes? Frak that.” Kara demanded, storming up to the podium.
He didn’t even look up at her, just kept studying his files. “I’m going by standard protocol. You didn’t pass the evaluation, Starbuck. You’re more than welcome to retest when Kat feels you are ready for it.”
“Bullshit,” she hissed. Gods, he was trying to get back at her, wasn’t he? That was the only frakking explanation. “That’s a load of crap and you know it.”
“No one’s blaming you, Captain.” His voice was cool and detached and it made her want to punch him in the gut or scratch him in the face. Make him hurt. Make him show her anything but this fake professional act, because it was an act. “A year away from duty would do that to you, not to mention the other… developments in your life.”
Kara swallowed hard. Frak him, frak him, frak him. Her fists clenched so tight, she might have been cutting off her own circulation. “That’s none of your godsdamned business,” she spat.
“You know what, it is my business.” Lee finally met her gaze. If looks could kill, she would have dropped dead on the spot. Instead, she straightened her spine, squaring her shoulders, and refused to look away. “I am the CAG, and one of my pilots is being a pain in my frakking ass because she doesn’t have the chops to fly anymore, and instead of putting in the work to prevent herself from getting killed and getting countless of others killed in the process, she is standing here acting like she wants to get thrown in the brig for insubordination. Does that not sound like my business to you, Captain?”
She sucked in a steeling breath, as she looked him up and down. He looked like a stranger, now, and that’s all they’d ever be. “How about the test to see if we can still fit in the cockpit, Apollo. Let me know how you do with that one.”
She watched the line of his throat as he swallowed-obviously burning to say something, do anything-but he turned away. “Report to Katraine at 0600. Dismissed.” With that, he turned and pushed past her leaving her standing in the abandoned room.
Kara supposed that point went to her, not that she was keeping score, but her victory felt hollow. They usually did these days. She closed her eyes as she let out a deep sigh, but the pit of anger in her gut didn’t loosen. She needed something, anything right now to take the godsdamned edge off.
Fifteen minutes later, Kara was down in the firing range emptying clip after clip. The feel of her finger on the trigger felt oddly soothing. The target was a generic Cylon centurion, not really the image she wanted to be destroying, but it would do for now. She didn’t even have to think too hard to see Leoben’s face in the middle of the bullseye. The sonofabitch’s face was burned into her mind, if she couldn’t get rid of it this would be the second best thing.
When the paper hung in shreds, she set the gun aside to admire her handiwork. Taking a slow breath, she no longer wanted to crawl out of her own skin. Just as long as she didn’t think about anything that had happened earlier in the day, she would be fine. All she had to do now was make it to the mess before they stopped serving food, go back to her quarters and-shit. Something was missing.
“Frak,” she muttered to herself. She tossed her goggles and headset aside as she bolted out the door. How the hell could she have forgotten?
The daycare center was little more than an abandoned storage unit, filled with plastic chairs and tables that had somehow managed to survive the end of the worlds, but it had been a necessity-one for which Kara was eternally grateful. However, at this hour, there were very few people when she arrived. But, just as she expected, the one she was looking for was there and awake and screaming her little lungs out.
“Captain Thrace,” Petty Officer Warren greeted her with the eardrum-breaking bundle in his arms.
“I lost track of time,” she muttered, as she took the crying infant from him. Almost instantly, the deafening shrieks turned into hiccupping sobs. She muttered a thanks over her shoulder as she turned to leave. “Shhh,” she muttered, curling her arms around the baby. “Come on, Seph. It’s okay. Momma’s here.”
* * *
Lee’s heart hammered in his chest as he stumbled to a stop in the middle of the corridor. He bent forward, hands on his knees as he gulped down air, trying to catch his breath, and he wondered how the hell jogging got to be so hard. Lee heard Helo slow to a stop several meters ahead of him before doubling back.
Lee knew he was trying valiantly not to smile. “You know, Apollo, generally fitness tests aren’t given pass-fail; but in your case-”
“Very funny,” he managed, between gasps. Lee righted himself, leaning against the bulkhead. He hadn’t even made it one lap around the deck before he needed this break. Pathetic was the word that sprang to mind. He couldn’t remember the last time he had set foot in a gym or taken a jog around the deck. The last couple of months, Lee’d felt like he was moving through a fog. There was simultaneously too much and not enough stuff to do, trying to devise a rescue plan to New Caprica. He’d just felt so weighed down, and looking in the mirror lately, he could see why.
Lee wiped a hand over his brow and sighed. “This is harder than I remember,” he said.
“You want to quit?” Helo asked, with a pointed edge to his voice.
How about the test to see if we can still fit in the cockpit, Apollo. Lee shook his head. “No, of course not. Absolutely not.”
“Then move it or lose it,” Helo picked up the pace again, jogging backwards with his eyes fixed on Lee.
Lee rolled his eyes and pushed off from the wall, trailing Helo down the corridor huffing and puffing the whole way, until they finally pulled to a stop in front of the gym. “More?” he groaned.
“You’re the one who wanted to lose the noodle-gut,” Helo said, striding over the threshold. “If you don’t want to-”
“I do,” Lee panted, sinking down on a weight bench. “I do.”
He grimaced as Helo handed him a set of free weights. A year ago, he would have been able to lift them without a problem. The rigorous set of moves Karl Agathon took him through, had his muscles aching and shaking. The burn was good though, it meant he couldn’t focus on the other things on his mind.
Couldn’t focus on the way Kara Thrace had worked her way back into his life after she’d made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want a godsdamned thing to do with him.
“Come on, Apollo,” Helo said, just as it felt like his arms were about to drop straight off his body. “Nothing worth having happens overnight. You can’t just wake up one day and expect change to happen. You’ve gotta work for it.”
“Believe me,” Lee hissed, squeezing out another rep with a strength he was sure he had lost. “I know.”
Thirty minutes later, Karl told him to put the weights aside and tossed him a towel. “Good work today. Maybe in a few months you’ll earn back that callsign of yours.”
“You’re a real comedian.” Lee mopped his forehead as he got to his feet. This was only the first workout following his new resolution to get back in shape, and he wasn’t entirely sure he was going to be able to get out of bed tomorrow for the next one. “Thanks.”
“Not a problem. It’s good to work out with someone else; keeps you accountable, keeps you grounded.” Helo shrugged and took a swig out of his water bottle. “So, Lee. How does it feel to be back aboard Galactica?”
Despite the command, Pegasus had never felt like home to Lee. It had been his position and his job, but letting go of Pegasus in the last battle felt like the beginning of a return to how life used to be. Almost. Nothing was ever going to go back to the way it used to be. “Great,” he muttered. Helo offered him the water bottle and he drank deeply. “It’s an adjustment, but I definitely missed this place. Never thought I’d live to say those words.”
“Right, now can you give me the answer that isn’t for the rabid press?”
Lee closed his eyes. The details of the return to Galactica burned fresh into his mind. Stepping off the raptor into the sea of refugees, Dee at his side. There had been a charge of relief and anticipation that filled the air-along with the stench of filth and sweat. But the one thing that stood out most in his mind, stepping out of another raptor across the deck…
“I’m fine, Helo. Just getting on with my life.”
Helo took back the bottle of water and took a long swig. “And getting on with your life involves feuds your pilots?” Before Lee could say anything, he held up his hands in defense. “First of all, word gets around. Second of all, I outrank you now. Keep that in mind.”
Lee scrubbed a hand over his face. He’d been torn when he saw Kat’s reviews on all the pilots returning from New Caprica. His initial reaction was shock, to see that someone with Kara’s skills had fallen so far. But that only lasted a second before he realized she deserved whatever the frak was coming to her. “Starbuck isn’t the only one who needs to be retrained. It’s just a matter of protocol.”
“I’m not talking about the training. You have my full support there,” he said. “I know you guys used to fight, but it never lasted long. From what I’m hearing…”
“Oh, come on, Karl,” Lee grumbled. “You haven’t been XO so long that you forgot how pilots talk. Everything is about making their story bigger and crazier than the last version. She was insubordinate, and I set her straight.”
Helo studied him with a somewhat incredulous look on his face. “Look, I know it’s none of my business, but the two of you used to be friends. I don’t know what the hell happened between the two of you, but you work together now. Don’t you think you should at least try to be civil with each other?”
“I’m going to treat her the same way I treat every other pilot,” Lee said. In the past, Kara always managed to slide for the little things, from snide comments to outright bucking authority. That was just the way she was, that was the Kara Thrace he’d known. Turns out he hadn’t known a godsdamned thing about her. “And insubordination will not be tolerated.”
“Lee,” Helo said, moving to stand in front of him. “Just for that, you’re gonna drop and give me fifty.”
“Karl!”
“No pain, no gain, my friend.”
Groaning, Lee got down to the cold metal floor. His arms ached and this set was going to be hell. But he closed his eyes, thoughts going back to setting foot back on Galactica for the first time after the Exodus. He remembered looking across the deck at the last Raptor coming off of the planet. Stepping down from the wing, was the stranger that Kara Thrace had become, with her hair long, a new tattoo on her skin, and-of all things-a baby in her arms. She’d told him once that she never wanted to have kids. Then again, she’d told him she wasn’t getting married either. Guess she just needed to find the right guy-frakking Pyramid Star Anders-to settle down with.
Suddenly, those push-ups seemed like nothing.
* * *
The bundle of kindling thudded against Kara’s back as she stooped to pull back the flap to the tent. Sam was sitting hunched over the one cast iron pot they owned, cooking up dinner with the last of their firewood.
“Back already?” he asked, as she dropped the pile of sticks in the corner.
“I told you it wasn’t a big deal.” Kara shrugged off her jacket.
“I know,” Sam said. He rose from his seat, putting the cover on the pot. “It’s just a long walk and I just don’t want you over-exerting yourself.”
She rolled her eyes, didn’t even bother to face him. If he was going to act like this for the next seven months, she wanted out. “I don’t need the help. I’m pregnant, Sammy. Not broken.”
Although, sometimes it didn’t exactly feel that way. Whatever he was cooking was sending up a smell that her stomach didn’t agree with. Kara raced out of the tent and made it about ten feet out before she doubled-over and vomited. Predictably, Sam was right behind her, pulling her hair away from her face. She knew people were staring, but she couldn’t bring herself to care all that much. When she finally stopped heaving, she shrugged him right off and walked back inside.
He followed. “Feeling better?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I feel frakking great. Can’t you see the glow?” she drawled. “Best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Sam let out an exasperated sigh, jaw clenching just a little. “You don’t have to take my head off, Kara. I’m just trying to help.”
“I don’t need it. What I need is to stop feeling like my insides constantly want to jump out of my throat.” Kara sank down on the cot. Of course, there was one way to end the incessant morning sickness, and that would be to end the pregnancy. Even though abortions had been made illegal during Roslin’s presidency, Cottle had been certain their new weasel of a president didn’t give a rat’s ass about enforcing that law.
Still, legal or not, abortion was a sin in the eyes of the gods. Her hand absently floated down over stomach. She had never wanted kids, kept up with her shots to avoid getting pregnant in the first place, because the truth was she hadn’t known what she would do if she ended up in this situation. Hell, she still didn’t. Kara pushed the thoughts out of her head and pushed herself up onto her elbows just as Sam walked over to her.
”You want something to eat?” he asked.
Kara shook her head. “Not unless it has no smell or taste or texture.”
Sam looked down at her with an affectionate smile. “I’ll get you some bread,” he said, heading back to what they laughingly called the kitchen. “I just keep thinking about how lucky I am to have gotten off of that nuked out planet, to be alive…”
Kara just grinned. “And who do you have to thank for that?”
“I know,” he said, with a mock-suffering sigh. But when he turned back to her with the bread, the bright smile on his face faded. He took another breath and muttered, “And I know.”
Kara raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”
“I know there was someone else,” his voice was calm and even. The blow he delivered next nearly knocked the wind out of her. “I can’t have kids, Kara.”
All the air was suddenly gone from her lungs and she struggled to find something, anything, to say. “What the h-”
“None of us can. After being stuck on Caprica for so long… the radiation meds could only do so much, you know? All of the resistance…”
Kara’s head swam. Sam was infertile, and he’d known. He’d known all along that the thing inside her wasn’t his and yet- “Why the hell are you saying this now?”
“I was hoping you’d say something first,” he said. “But then I realized that wasn’t going to happen… I thought it might help you make a decision.”
“Shit.” She shook her head, putting everything aside as she went for her jacket. If Sam wasn’t the father… then that meant… No. “I knew I married an idiot, but I didn’t know exactly how dumb you are until just now.”
“I’m an idiot for choosing to stay with someone I love? I don’t care who the father is, Kara. It’s your child, and you’re here. That’s all I care about.” Sam stood glued to the spot, arms folded across his chest.
“You got part of it right,” she muttered and was out the door before Sam could stop her. To his credit, he didn’t follow her.
Kara found herself wandering around New Caprica City for the better part of an hour before she needed to go. The only thing she could think to do was to go and get drunk, forget the whole evening, but that was obviously not an option right now. So she left, she didn’t know where she was headed, except away.
Check it out. It’s a great place for a house.
She hadn’t realized that she’d gotten so far away from the town, but there was nothing but grass and bushes as far as she could see. The sun had long disappeared, leaving nothing but the night sky and the faint gleam of metal of metal in space above her. Kara raked a hand through her hair. If Sam wasn’t the father…
Kara was left with only one conclusion as she stared out at the wasteland around her. “Frak,” she hissed. “FRAK!”. Her voice echoed in the empty night, lungs burning, like maybe if she could yell it loud enough it wouldn’t be true.
Like maybe if she could yell it loud enough, she wouldn’t be carrying Lee Adama’s baby.
But it was true. Of course, it was true. Of course, this was the sick kind of joke the gods would play on her.
It was supposed to be over. Lee was supposed to be a part of her past-where she didn’t have to miss him or remember him or think about him. She’d tried to cut every last tie between them. It was supposed to be easier that way.
But now…
Flickering in her mind, she remembered the last time she’d seen Lee-the utter hatred in his eyes and the venom in his voice. What if she hadn’t left? What would happen if she told him about the ba-no. It wouldn’t change a damned thing. What was done was done and there was nothing she could do about it.
Kara felt tears prickling at the corners of her eyes and she blinked hard. There was no frakking way she was going to cry about this. Kara shook her head, staring up into the night sky. “Happy now?!” she shouted.
She didn’t know whom she wanted the answer from.
A small cry jerked Kara out of her thoughts. Even in the darkened room, she could still see the outline of Seph’s crib. Kara slid out of the bed and peered over the edge. Seph looked like she was still asleep, despite kicking and whining like she was having a nightmare. Did babies have nightmares? She didn’t know. Hell, Kara didn’t have a godsdamned clue what she was doing, but she was damned well doing it.
She reached out, her hand brushing over Seph’s stomach and the little girl started to settle. Kara wouldn’t blame the kid if she was having a bad dream; Seph had certainly been born into enough nightmare material to last a lifetime. Kara’d been eight months pregnant when the cylons arrived at New Caprica, when she’d been taken from her tent by two cylon centurions and locked up in Leoben’s little piece of Hades.
Sometimes, she’d found herself wondering if having Seph had been a blessing or a curse in that hellhole-the things she might have done if she hadn’t had to protect her daughter. Kara felt bile rising in her throat, and quickly forced the thoughts out of her head.
Kara’s hand drifted up, tracing over Seph’s chin and cheek and nose. Seph looked, in so many ways, so much like Kara had in the few baby pictures she’d had, especially when she was sleeping. But when she was awake, she had the bluest eyes in the worlds-just like her father.
With the baby now calm, she drew her hand away, remembering that she had to report herself ass-early for remedial flight lessons thanks to said father. “Frakking Lee,” she grumbled as she climbed back into her rack. It hadn’t taken long to hear through the Galactica grapevine that Lee had been the one to order the jump away from New Caprica, and if it had been left up to him the fleet never would have returned. He would have been perfectly content leaving her-and Seph-to their own personal hell. The bastard wouldn’t have lost a minute of sleep over it.
Kara rolled over to look at the clock. It glared at her, harsh red numbers telling her it was 0200. It taunted her, reminding her that sleep wouldn’t come.
It rarely did these days.
--To Be Continued-