Again or Never Again
So I've been thinking about doing the whole pregnancy thing again. If I did it now then I could be done with some of it before starting residency and not have to do the whole thing during residency, which would be the advantage. On one level I feel like I want to do it over to "get it right," I guess. But today I'm leaning more towards no. I'm just picturing the doctor visits and the hassle with tailoring my own care. There is a lot of routine stuff I would refuse. I wouldn't do another pelvic exam, precluding a pap smear and STD cultures. I know my doc said she'd want me on lovenox if I got pregnant again, but I've talked to all 3 perinatologists and 2/3 say no need for lovenox in my case, including the one who also has the MTHFR gene and probably knows the most about it. I also would refuse much of the blood work, like the RPR to test for syphilis and HIV testing and all that crap. I hate how in medicine they want to treat everyone the same, because everyone is not the same and I want to be treated as an individual, case-specific. Tony and I are completely monogamous and I was a good sport and let them do all that testing last time. I'm willing to stake my life on Tony's faithfulness, as well as the life of the would-be fetus. Cheating is what destroyed his parents' marriage and resulted in a bitter divorce with ongoing hatred. He is so against the very idea of cheating that he gets upset just seeing it on tv. He simply wouldn't do it. Look at the good prenatal care did me last time... absolutely none. I'd just basically want the quad screen, an early dating ultrasound, an anatomical survey ultrasound, the glucose tolerance test if I made it that far along, and more frequent than routine monitoring of blood pressure and urine protein starting at about 20 weeks, then a planned scheduled C-section with general anesthesia and sub-Q stitches instead of staples, no eye drops for the baby, and no post-op fundus checks. No nurses, period, except to bring me pain meds. I'd like my prenatal care options on a platter, from which I could choose what I approve of and leave what I don't, without having to fight/argue/debate with my doc on each decision. Oh, and percocet or something for the back pain, since they threw such a fit that I used ibuprofen last time after tylenol wouldn't touch it.
Then, aside from just the hassle of dealing with prenatal care and going against the establishment, there are all the negatives of pregnancy on its own. Gaining weight, feeling so sleepy, feeling generally crappy, potential morning sickness, feeling out of breath just from going up a flight of stairs, potentially worsened asthma again, not being able to drink, crappy sleep quality, back pain, having to pee all the time. To think how long it is actually supposed to be, I mean, I'm STILL supposed to be pregnant even now. How old would it have gotten if I'd grown even bigger and had to deal with it another 3 1/2 months than I did? And I kind of feel like it was all my complaining that made everything go wrong last time, like I pissed off karma or something. Which is stupid, because how many women complain about being pregnant the whole time and don't end up having to deliver at 25 weeks. And then, what if it did happen again? Having to deal with visiting the NICU every day, with moron doctors like Dr. Anderson and stupid nurses having more say over what happens to my own baby than I do, let alone if it actually had problems to worry about like head bleeds.
But I know Tony wants another one, and if not now, then when? I can't see myself willing to go through pregnancy when I have to work 80 hours/week. If I wait until after residency, they won't be close in age. Then again, maybe that would be a good thing, less screaming and fighting and loud play to have to listen to. Now seems like a good time because I'd get at least the first trimester out of the way before I would start residency. Tony is still in the military at this point so we have great insurance right now. They would be close in age. If I didn't get into residency, I'd have a year to stay home with them but then, if that was the situation, financially things would be pretty difficult. Also, I'm still fat and my stretch marks are still all dark and nasty looking, and it seems like if I'm going to have another one, might as well do it now and not wait until all this is resolved only to screw up my body again.
I wish it could just be simple. I hate all of this, indecision, not knowing which residency, if residency, if I want to try to get pregnant or if I don't. Ugh.
Then, aside from just the hassle of dealing with prenatal care and going against the establishment, there are all the negatives of pregnancy on its own. Gaining weight, feeling so sleepy, feeling generally crappy, potential morning sickness, feeling out of breath just from going up a flight of stairs, potentially worsened asthma again, not being able to drink, crappy sleep quality, back pain, having to pee all the time. To think how long it is actually supposed to be, I mean, I'm STILL supposed to be pregnant even now. How old would it have gotten if I'd grown even bigger and had to deal with it another 3 1/2 months than I did? And I kind of feel like it was all my complaining that made everything go wrong last time, like I pissed off karma or something. Which is stupid, because how many women complain about being pregnant the whole time and don't end up having to deliver at 25 weeks. And then, what if it did happen again? Having to deal with visiting the NICU every day, with moron doctors like Dr. Anderson and stupid nurses having more say over what happens to my own baby than I do, let alone if it actually had problems to worry about like head bleeds.
But I know Tony wants another one, and if not now, then when? I can't see myself willing to go through pregnancy when I have to work 80 hours/week. If I wait until after residency, they won't be close in age. Then again, maybe that would be a good thing, less screaming and fighting and loud play to have to listen to. Now seems like a good time because I'd get at least the first trimester out of the way before I would start residency. Tony is still in the military at this point so we have great insurance right now. They would be close in age. If I didn't get into residency, I'd have a year to stay home with them but then, if that was the situation, financially things would be pretty difficult. Also, I'm still fat and my stretch marks are still all dark and nasty looking, and it seems like if I'm going to have another one, might as well do it now and not wait until all this is resolved only to screw up my body again.
I wish it could just be simple. I hate all of this, indecision, not knowing which residency, if residency, if I want to try to get pregnant or if I don't. Ugh.