That which is me: The final underlying string.
Thinking about it further, I think I know where the hollow feeling comes from. For most people, something like "grief" is not a constant--they'll have an initial heavy tide at the beginning, but after a time it will pass. There will be lingering feelings now and then, but these don't heavily disrupt their mood.
For me, with my depression, it's like happiness is my grief. I've become used to having an empty feeling, a shroud of light despair over my head. So when I find a game or series or movie or even just an event that I enjoy enthusiastically, it overcomes my normal state of emotion to the point of temporarily replacing it. So, when whatever it is ends, soon after the depression not only returns, but I can easily feel this new emptiness where the happiness and joy once was. Eventually, the depression will fill this hole; and, while I might revisit whatever it was that I loved (be it replaying a game, rewatching a series, or going to a similar event), I will never get the same amount of joy as when it was new and fresh to me, so that specific thing cannot doesn't cause the same hollow feelings again.
This is what is wrong with me. This is why I avoid...everything, mostly. Nothing can make me feel so exuberant constantly and forever, and so if I do find something that I greatly enjoy it will eventually pass and then I will be left with this hollow feeling, which, at its worst, makes me wish I had never been happy in the first place so I would never know what I was missing.
This is why I can never be truly happy. This is why I don't like public, because I see others happy and I realize what I'm missing and that makes it hurt even more. This is what is wrong with me.
Fuck. I am crying so hard right now. I am so lightheaded. Fuck me.
For me, with my depression, it's like happiness is my grief. I've become used to having an empty feeling, a shroud of light despair over my head. So when I find a game or series or movie or even just an event that I enjoy enthusiastically, it overcomes my normal state of emotion to the point of temporarily replacing it. So, when whatever it is ends, soon after the depression not only returns, but I can easily feel this new emptiness where the happiness and joy once was. Eventually, the depression will fill this hole; and, while I might revisit whatever it was that I loved (be it replaying a game, rewatching a series, or going to a similar event), I will never get the same amount of joy as when it was new and fresh to me, so that specific thing cannot doesn't cause the same hollow feelings again.
This is what is wrong with me. This is why I avoid...everything, mostly. Nothing can make me feel so exuberant constantly and forever, and so if I do find something that I greatly enjoy it will eventually pass and then I will be left with this hollow feeling, which, at its worst, makes me wish I had never been happy in the first place so I would never know what I was missing.
This is why I can never be truly happy. This is why I don't like public, because I see others happy and I realize what I'm missing and that makes it hurt even more. This is what is wrong with me.
Fuck. I am crying so hard right now. I am so lightheaded. Fuck me.