Thinking out loud
I wonder who I am now. Between the anti-depressants and nightly alcoholic pacifier, I don't know where I'm going or who I am. I've made the leap here, and now I feel like I jumped on a ledge with no one one. Sheree desperately wants another child and I look around our meager existence and wonder how we could possibly make it work. I mean, I understand her want to while she's still at a good age for it and to not separate Hanson and our next child too dramatically in age, but the amount of stress Hanson smothers us with is unto itself enough to make me question it. On top of this, the holiday's have made me extremely homesick, but how do I tell someone that without seeming like a whiney bitch. Seriously, my anti-depressants make it so I don't cry anymore, but after facetiming with Seth when Labat purposed to Ashley, I cried, hard. I miss the people I could lean on when I truly need someone, and right now, I have myself. Sheree has close friends here, and I have friends here, but no one I feel like I can truly confide in, so it makes it even more difficult. And so here I am, divulging back into my crux, drinking. I've resorted to drinking 40's...yes,40's just so I can get a buzz nightly and not break our bank. I also do this alone, on my patio. I just need a night out with someone who I can connect with, but it's not the same over the phone, through a text, or a facebook message. I have a hard time with my emotions but atleast when I feel like I'm in person with someone I force myself to open. Different isn't always bad, but different isn't always better, and right now I just don't know. Atleast I know I've improved my career path, so there's that. Atleast life will move on whether I like it or not, that is the one guarantee I have in life.