Things on my mind
So yesterday was the anniversary of Bronson's death and one year ago today I was so heartbroken mourning my friend. I still miss him alot! I still think about him everyday. I go to work and I have so much fun with everyone I work with but I miss the bond I had with him. We both had similar childhoods and I remember the first day we met we had a long conversation about that and bonded because neither one of us wanted pity for it. we wanted just to be understood. I think this year has been crazy so many emotions. I have never been happier with my personal life but I lost my Gramps and that has just been so hard. I try to remember him and be happy that I had such an amazing grandpa but I just end up feeling so empty and sad that he's gone. How can I be so happy and fulfilled in one part of my life but at the same time so empty from another part. I have all these thoughts every single day and the stress of it all is getting to me. On our trip to Seattle we visited Seans grave for the first time since the funeral. and I found myself realizing that I am still very much mourning him too. Will I ever stop mourning Sean, Bronson, Grandpa, Alice, Grandma? I don't know. I want to stop hurting and stop being sad but in a way I feel like it keeps them close to me. and I know that it gets easier with time but I sometimes don't let it sink in all the way at first and then I end up getting these panic attacks and waves of emotion when it really hits again. I don't really know why I'm blogging I just saw my screen name and thought about changing it because it makes me sad then I felt like it would somehow be denying my feelings. I'm so confused. I have so many great things I just can't help but miss the great people that I no longer have in my life. Not everyone has to deal with that many loved ones dying. Why have I been to more funerals then I can count when I'm only 25? Just this year I've been to 3. I can't believe that. Luke's grandma and my grandpa in the same year. They were both supposed to be at our wedding. argh anyway I'm gonna go to bed I have to open and I'm not gonna get enough sleep if I don't sleep now. Thanks for reading and dealing with my whining.