Thank god for SCOTCHtuesdaysarahMay 8 2004, 05:57:48 UTC
It's so sad to be growing up, now. Or maybe it's not, I don't know. Maybe I just have to let myself be whatever I change into, and not try to hang on to my childish ideas.
What am I talking about anyway? I just don't want to get trapped, I don't want to see my friends get trapped into patterns & paths & relationships. You get married to someone because you know they will be a good husband and father - which is to say, you know he will be kind, and help provide for the family, and be stable. But years go by, and there you are: you are your relationship, at least to a certain extent. I know I tend to be somewhat prejudiced about this shit, mostly because I'm scared, I guess. There's good things about that set-up, I know, it helps keep society stable, and if things are at least a little happy, it makes for a good environment for raising chil'ens. And it seems like some people I know have gotten a lot out of making the compromises neccesary to be part of un marriage.
I'm just such a reactionary. And an idealist.
And the older I get, the more my ideals are threatened by what I see, and the tighter I cling to them. It scares me to imagine becoming a wife. But it scares me even more to have to admit to myself that it's not very likely that I'll ever get to have the kind of mutually respectful, perpetually dynamic, passionately loving relationship that I dream of, that I've idealized. And that's why I hate the idea of growing up - it makes me feel like I'm settling, giving in, to the "the way things are".
And another thing: I've always known that I'm pretty self-centered. But one of the things I've noticed since I've been in Taiwan is how truly attached American's are, generally, to their own lives, their own sense of individuality.
What am I talking about anyway? I just don't want to get trapped, I don't want to see my friends get trapped into patterns & paths & relationships. You get married to someone because you know they will be a good husband and father - which is to say, you know he will be kind, and help provide for the family, and be stable. But years go by, and there you are: you are your relationship, at least to a certain extent. I know I tend to be somewhat prejudiced about this shit, mostly because I'm scared, I guess. There's good things about that set-up, I know, it helps keep society stable, and if things are at least a little happy, it makes for a good environment for raising chil'ens. And it seems like some people I know have gotten a lot out of making the compromises neccesary to be part of un marriage.
I'm just such a reactionary. And an idealist.
And the older I get, the more my ideals are threatened by what I see, and the tighter I cling to them. It scares me to imagine becoming a wife. But it scares me even more to have to admit to myself that it's not very likely that I'll ever get to have the kind of mutually respectful, perpetually dynamic, passionately loving relationship that I dream of, that I've idealized. And that's why I hate the idea of growing up - it makes me feel like I'm settling, giving in, to the "the way things are".
And another thing: I've always known that I'm pretty self-centered. But one of the things I've noticed since I've been in Taiwan is how truly attached American's are, generally, to their own lives, their own sense of individuality.
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