Collected Prompted Short-shorts 2
(Nearly) All of the responses I wrote for the prompts I took during December. A few are left out because they're not finished, or have morphed into monstrously large and rather rabid plot bunnies. There are twelve, most Naruto, but also including Doctor Who, Hikaru no Go, and Jeeves & Wooster. I'm hoping not, but the Jeeves & Wooster may also be expanded to the large fic it keeps begging to be.
Listed by fandom and prompt:
Naruto: Kakashi/Gai, anniversary:
Revenge, of a Sort
Even Kakashi himself couldn’t tell if this was some misguided attempt at revenge. The one thing he did know, however, was that if it were, it was a complete and utter failure.
Kakashi tilted a batch of overgrown sunflowers leaning against the table into a better position to catch the light streaming in from the open window-open because even with the mask, he was already starting to choke from the pollen and overwhelming scent of flowers-and then wiped his hand firmly against the rough cotton of his pants. The table’s shine caught his eye-it was piled nearly a meter high with boxes of chocolate wrapped in glossy, colorful paper-and he shuddered briefly, turning away. He was immediately confronted with the scroll of calligraphy. While the calligraphy wasn’t the worst he’d seen, its contents-an ode that had cost him more pain and pride than he would ever admit-made him wince.
Nowhere was safe.
Still, when finally Guy flung open the door, announcing his return in loud, booming tones before trailing off into silence, staring at the many new additions to his apartment and Kakashi standing in the midst of them all, Kakashi couldn’t help but feel some small thrill of vindication.
And when, minutes later, he pushed Guy gently down onto the covers, Kakashi was merely continuing his careful plan of payback for the previous year.
Naruto: Shikamaru/Temari, domestic dispute (think the kind that would land any ordinary person on Cops. Preferably over something REALLY stupid and overheard by the sandsibs+Lee+everyone within earshot):
Lover's Spat, or How My Sister Got Arrested for Domestic Violence and All I Got Was This Kinky Threesome
The screaming had somehow increased in volume. Kankurou hadn't thought that possible. He could make out shrill words and phrases like "LAZY ASSHOLE" and "KILL YOU" and "--WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR THREE WEE--" from where he was standing, a daring distance of sixty feet away from his flailing sister and a dodging Shikamaru. Considering the damage Temari had already done so far with her fan to her surroundings (and her sexual revelations to Kankurou's poor psyche), Kankurou really, really wanted to move back another six-hundred.
(Especially after that bit about the strap-on that he REALLY DID NOT NEED TO KNOW. Kankurou was going to need more booze than the village had, and it still probably wouldn't be enough to drown the mental pictures from his mind.)
Shikamaru said something too quiet to hear, but it was enough to provoke another sharp gesture and shriek from Temari. With no regard for the innocent bystanders watching (or even her own brothers, trying to talk the pair down from causing any sort of diplomatic problems with their lover's spat), she let loose several more tornadoes of sand Kankurou's puppets were absolutely no help with defending against.
It was kind of embarrassing to be saved from your big sister by someone you had written off as one of Konoha's weak links, Kankurou decided as the dust cleared, waving his arms in a clear gesture to be let down. When had Chouji gotten taller than him? Though Kankurou was set on his feet, Chouji kept a steadying grip on his shoulders.
But at least I didn't have to be rescued by Gaara, thought Kankurou, glancing with some sympathy at Lee's dazed expression where he lay at Gaara's feet. Kankurou didn't think he could live down being saved by his little brother, no matter how strong the little bastard might be.
Looking once more at Chouji's slightly amorous expression and trying not to shrug off the too-firm, not-that-comforting hands, though, Kankurou couldn't decide if it was worth it.
"--AND WHEN WE GET HOME--" came Temari's voice once more.
Then again, at least it wasn't likely that Chouji would start screaming their sexual secrets or destroy a quarter of the village over the issue of who was and wasn't allowed to baby-sit in the future. And with that, Kankurou was suddenly overwhelmed with a wholehearted urge to join Gaara in the gay lifestyle.
Epilogue:
Little did Kankurou know that Ino and Chouji came as a set, and while Kankurou had plenty of fun putting the sex in "bisexual," he soon discovered that in some ways, Ino was eerily similar to his sister. His only consolation was that the rage was spread across the both of them, and he was a faster moving target than Chouji.
Naruto: Gaara/Lee, bondage:
Switches and Subs and Sand, oh My!
Lee was terrible at this. He kept asking if Gaara was comfortable enough, if he didn't need the bonds loosened a little, if he remembered the safe word and if "no" really did mean no this time. The bed's pillows had already been re-fluffed ten times and replaced behind Gaara's body; despite this, Lee once more crawled over him and leaned close enough to kiss, lips scant millimeters away . . . and only fucked around with the pillows again.
Gaara was certain this was not how this sort of thing was supposed to go. He began to wonder if this might not be Lee's own version of torture.
"Are you sure I can't get you anything?" Gaara stared at Lee, wondering if all that being smacked in the head during training hadn't damaged his brain in some way. "Something more I could do for you?"
"You could fuck me," said Gaara. Lee blushed and stammered for a minute. Finally, Gaara gave up, summoned his sand, and decided that this one last time he would show what he wanted by example. Lee made a happy squeaking sound at the sudden rush of sand flooding over and immobilizing him.
Shaking off the lengths of silk ribbons and staring at Lee's wide eyes and parted lips, Gaara had the sneaking suspicion that despite their sudden reversal, Lee had won again.
Naruto: Kiba secretly really hates bugs. Like, a lot:
Love is Many a Sleepless Night
Kiba thinks bugs are creepy. Really creepy. Their little eyes and wings and antennae and spindly legs; the way he can never tell if they're watching him for Shino or for their own, secret, unknowable agenda. Kiba knows there's some sort of intelligence at work, there, their tiny brain cells rubbing slowly and malevolently together.
Still, even having seen countless insects break their way out of Shino's skin, even hearing them now buzzing and thrumming away at each touch, Kiba can't quite bring himself to stop, to remove his hands from Shino's body, much less bring himself to get out of the bed.
Even knowing Shino housed thousands of tiny bugs, Kiba can't help but slip his tongue into Shino's mouth, and hands into his pants. To do otherwise is unthinkable.
This doesn't mean, though, that Kiba can't admit to himself, hours later, staring at the ceiling and still unable to sleep, that while he loves Shino, those bugs are still really damn creepy.
Naruto: Might Guy, Porn Star:
The End of an Illustrious Career (and Beginning to a Beautiful Friendship?)
“No,” said Hatake Kakashi. “Hell, no.”
“You’ll be in good hands,” Tsunade-porn-industry-princess-turned-ruthless-tycoon-leered at him. Kakashi looked disbelievingly from her to his fellow actor. “Under all that green spandex, there’s quite an impressive . . . talent, not to mention his boundless . . . enthusiasm.”
Guy grinned. “Kakashi! It’s been awhile! I’ve heard that there are special plans for this shoot.”
Kakashi turned back to Tsunade. “Fuck this-”
“That’s the plan,” Tsunade said, but Kakashi wasn’t listening.
“-I’ll go back to working for Jiraiya before I play his rival again.”
Tsunade raised her eyebrows a bit at that, but smiled sweetly. “Then this is perfect. Jiraiya’s co-producing, and you won’t be Guy's rival.” Kakashi didn’t trust that look in her eyes. “You’ll be his love interest.”
And with those five words, Kakashi’s acting career came to an abrupt and screeching halt.
And the very long epilogue I didn't include in the comment:
Tsunade and Jiraiya continued to co-produce for a short while, before once more parting professional ways. Against her better judgment, though, Tsunade agreed to finally consider more personal ties. To this day, currently seated at her own desk and nursing a migraine over Jiraiya's current antics, she can't decide what the hell she was thinking
Kakashi went on to write many hit romance novels. Once he realized that his heroine too closely resembled himself and the hero one Might Guy, these, too, were lost to him. He is currently sitting alone in his apartment, contemplating the three objects on his desk: a glass of gin, a revolver, and a dinner invitation. For the past three months, he has chosen the first, and he can only pray to God that he would choose the second over the third. Every time he drinks the gin, though, the dinner invitation seems more and more tempting. He has a sinking suspicion, like the Titanic contemplating the tip of an iceberg and incognizant that its hulls have been breached, that it may be far too late.
Guy has since retired from acting, though he remains active in the industry. His enthusiasm and unique style of directing have won him many awards, and his protégé makes him proud every day. He is certain that any day now, Kakashi will accept his dinner invitation, and life will be perfect. Someday he may be right, and very, very wrong.
Naruto: Lee/Girl!Gaara:
Preference, or Lee's Gonna Get Himself Killed!
She was . . . she was just so cute. Lee was beginning to suspect a preference for redheads. He held a hand to his nose, just in case, as she bent over to put down her gourd. He repeated to himself what Guy-sensei had said about natural urges during the blooming of one's springtime of youth and tried to remind himself that the ninja standing before him was well known as a highly-skilled shinobi and ruthless killer. There could be no mis-steps, and he had every intention of showing the world the success of his ninja way.
. . . But maybe he might need a blindfold first.
He opened his mouth to try a witty taunt, as Guy-sensei might do. "GO OUT WITH ME."
. . . Or possibly a gag.
Not really so much an epilogue as my all-caps ranting, but:
AND THEN BECAUSE THIS IS MY STORY AND I HAVE NOT SLEPT AND IT IS NEARING 6:40 LEE SOMEHOW SURVIVES AND SOMEDAY THEY GROW UP AND LEE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE GIRL WHO BROKE HIS LEGS AND HIS HEART AS A GENIN AND SHE PROVIDES HIM WITH BOTH GAG AND BLINDFOLD ON HER MORE IRRITATED NIGHTS. <3 <3 <3
Naruto: Sakura proposes a threesome:
Of Plans and Inevitability (like a Black Hole of Sex and Stupidity)
"Now look," Sakura said, "it's the only possible way. It was inevitable; I really should've seen it sooner. Fortunately, I've realized its necessity, and now things will get better."
The lack of response was beautiful. Naruto made some upset noise, but it was half-hearted and incoherent. Sai remained silent, expression one of concentration.
"We'll have to invest in more rope, of course, and much, much more lube. The gags seem to be working admirably, though, don't you think?"
Sai'd managed to get a hand free. He used it to molest Naruto, leaving their gags and bonds alone. Sakura smirked and joined in the second round.
It really was the perfect solution.
Hikago: Waya having a MASSIVE DORKCRUSH on Isumi:
All the Warning Signs of Impending Teenage Angst and Embarrassment (but Especially Embarrassment)
Waya is going to get over Isumi. Any day now. Especially now that Isumi's gained self-confidence and made huge leaps in go skill and, oh, apparently found and made friends with Waya's EVIL TWIN while in China. Not to mention that Isumi's somehow gotten even hotter, and it should be illegal to have that top button undone during a go match, ILLEGAL, Waya can see Isumi's THROAT, and it's long and exposed and muscular, and just begging to have Waya lick it, BEGGING, and, God, he's losing his mind, not to mention this go match if he can't pull it together in the next two minutes.
Isumi licks his lips and Waya can't help it, he whimpers and drops his go stone.
"Are you alright?" Isumi asks, concerned.
"Fine," Waya reassures him, waving his hands and feeling as crazy as Shindou. "I'm fine. I meant to do that."
"It's just," says Isumi, leaning forward a bit over the goban, tie drifting out over it and Waya's dropped stone, leading his eyes back up to Isumi's entirely too naked throat, "You're shaking a little bit." His hand reaches up and touches Waya's shoulder. Hand! Touching! "And you're really red. Do you need to maybe lie down?"
Lying down leads to thoughts of beds. He can feel the burning in his cheeks grow worse. Waya wonders if this is what hell is, oblivious friends and inappropriate touching.
But any day now, he'll get over this, Waya tells himself. Any day now.
It doesn't take a genius like Touya to know it's a lie.
Naruto: Naruto/Hinata ♥:
Shadows and Lasting Impressions
Someone has taken to leaving paper hearts in Naruto's room. They're carefully folded and made of a delicate, dark paper. Nothing is visibly inscribed on first glance, but upon closer inspection, there are words written in black ink, visible only for their impression on the paper. The words appear from and disappear into the folds. Partial words and phrases can be made out: "Keep working hard and" and "I think that" and "I" and "You" and "Sor," "orry," "sorry."
He thinks it's a joke the first time, after the genin exam, coming alone to his empty apartment to find a black heart on his bed, thinks maybe it's someone telling him it's his heart that's wrong, his heart that's the reason he failed, that no one likes him. But Iruka-sensei took him for ramen and told him stories and accepted him, and he's able to brush it off easy, flick it to the side and flop into bed.
The next time, it's right before the chunin exam, lodged half-under his door. He's a little more curious this time, but he's busy, and it's put aside and forgotten.
More come after that, usually when he's away on a mission, or has had a worse-than usual week. After the failed retrieval mission and returning from the hospital, right before he leaves with Jiraiya, his bed is covered in them, and that's when he notices the writing, finally, sprawled among them with some confusion. One is covered with "I'm sorry. I'm sorry" over and over. Another repeats "Good luck!" Another has "Take care" scratched in deep. None of them say "goodbye."
He doesn't receive any while he's traveling with Jiraiya, but three days after they return to Konoha for good, the hearts, too, return. Naruto even starts a drawer, and it's approaching its capacity to hold them. Every once in a while, he takes them all and scatters them across his bed, sifting through their partially revealed messages.
He knows there's something written in the middle, that he's only seeing the surface, but he can't bring himself to unfold the paper, to try to reveal their secrets. The paper is almost like tissue, though soft against his fingers. He's noticed that it's not really black so much as a dark, deep violet, so close you almost can't tell. The paper wavers delicately with his every breath.
Naruto's only sixteen, now, but he more than anyone knows the fragility of a heart. Opening it, reading it, clutching it tight between grasping fists, would only destroy it and, even with so many, each is too precious to lose.
Doctor Who: Sonic Screwdriver:
Of New York, Bananas, and Missing Screwdrivers
The sonic screwdriver was missing. The sonic screwdriver was missing, and so were his glasses, clothes, and, oh, THE TARDIS. This is why the Doctor didn't sleep. When he slept, things like THIS happened. At least Romana wasn't here to mock him, he thought, clutching his sheets close and trying to remember what, exactly, had occurred. The last thing he recalled was New New New New New York and that New Year’s party. He’d forgotten the banana. Fashioning the sheets into a make-shift toga and getting up to explore, the Doctor knew it wouldn’t be a mistake he made again.
Naruto: Kakashi/Guy, First Kiss:
Nothing Like the Fairy Tales, or That Birthday Kakashi Got Smashed and Guy Almost Got Laid
It wasn't glamorous or romantic. There were no waves crashing dramatically in the background, and no radiant sunset back-lit them. They were seventeen and drunk and sprawled out on the floor of Kakashi's apartment, and Guy had just confessed in that brash, shameless way of his that he'd never been kissed. He was waiting for the right person, the perfect moment, and Kakashi realized that Guy was going to die a virgin if drastic measures weren't taken right that instant.
As Guy continued to ramble on about True Love and Staying Pure, Kakashi extinguished the lights. He ignored Guy's confused babbling about if Kakashi were tired, Guy could go home, but it was only eleven and Guy thought Kakashi had wanted to stay up and continue celebrating. Kakashi pulled down his mask with care, swaying a little (had they really downed both of those bottles?), and then tripped over Guy, who was a foot closer to the door than Kakashi remembered. He lay there for a moment, listening to Guy's voice and bracing himself.
"Guy," he said finally, seeking out Guy's face, then lips with his fingers. Guy went silent at Kakashi's first touch. "Shut up."
It was awkward. Kakashi had to hold Guy's head still. It took several seconds for Guy to respond, and when he did, it was obvious he hadn't been lying about the lack of experience, though Staying Pure flew right out the window in favor of wandering hands and open lips.
After several unexpectedly pleasurable minutes, Kakashi pulled back, breathing embarrassingly heavy. "Right. For next year's resolution, you can work on your virginity." He let that hang in the air for a moment, then said, "Or we can work on my resolution of getting laid once a week right now."
Guy made a sound halfway between a moan and a squeak. Kakashi grinned and pressed his advantage.
The Sad Epilogue:
And then they discovered one of the many evils of alcohol, and had to wait until the morning, at which point Kakashi was too hung over and Guy had cold feet.
Jeeves & Wooster: Jeeves, drunk - narration by Bertie:
Save Me, Jeeves!
or
Yet Another Adventure, in Which Wooster Plots, Jeeves Gets Pissed, and Bingo Once More Runs Away
(A Snippet)
But d. is the better part of v. as Jeeves would say, and so I took it to heart, hauling on his arms and indicating for Bingo to take his feet. Jeeves had put on a few pounds over the holis, or so it seemed at the moment as I tried not to fall over. All those shared sugar plums had gone straight to his waist--not that I could see any change (or spent any time staring at his midsection, not at all), but the evidence was in my inability to budge the old boy. Bingo also felt the strain, and fumbled Jeeves's lower half.
"Careful!" I admonished, but it was too late. Jeeves had revived again, somewhat, blinking blearily at me and attempting to shake off my arms and straighten up.
"I do beg your pardon, sir," he slurred, and I stopped him right there.
"Not now, Jeeves, she's coming!" Jeeves understood that much of the situation, at least, and slumped back into my arms.
Eying the door and clutching Jeeves close, I suspected we would never be following one of my plans again. The only consolation I could offer Jeeves was that at least by this point the burgundy and custard striped waist-coat was done for. But as the sound of dainty and foreboding footsteps drew nearer the door, I knew it was all in vain.
It was time for the last defense.
"Bingo, old chap. I say," I started rather casually. I looked over. He was gone. The coward had vanished!
Jeeves snuggled against the shoulder of my exposed shirt, warm breath huffing against my neck. The door knob began to turn. I looked longingly out the open window. Jeeves and I would never make it out in his condition. If ever there were a time for cavalry, this was it.
Listed by fandom and prompt:
Naruto: Kakashi/Gai, anniversary:
Revenge, of a Sort
Even Kakashi himself couldn’t tell if this was some misguided attempt at revenge. The one thing he did know, however, was that if it were, it was a complete and utter failure.
Kakashi tilted a batch of overgrown sunflowers leaning against the table into a better position to catch the light streaming in from the open window-open because even with the mask, he was already starting to choke from the pollen and overwhelming scent of flowers-and then wiped his hand firmly against the rough cotton of his pants. The table’s shine caught his eye-it was piled nearly a meter high with boxes of chocolate wrapped in glossy, colorful paper-and he shuddered briefly, turning away. He was immediately confronted with the scroll of calligraphy. While the calligraphy wasn’t the worst he’d seen, its contents-an ode that had cost him more pain and pride than he would ever admit-made him wince.
Nowhere was safe.
Still, when finally Guy flung open the door, announcing his return in loud, booming tones before trailing off into silence, staring at the many new additions to his apartment and Kakashi standing in the midst of them all, Kakashi couldn’t help but feel some small thrill of vindication.
And when, minutes later, he pushed Guy gently down onto the covers, Kakashi was merely continuing his careful plan of payback for the previous year.
Naruto: Shikamaru/Temari, domestic dispute (think the kind that would land any ordinary person on Cops. Preferably over something REALLY stupid and overheard by the sandsibs+Lee+everyone within earshot):
Lover's Spat, or How My Sister Got Arrested for Domestic Violence and All I Got Was This Kinky Threesome
The screaming had somehow increased in volume. Kankurou hadn't thought that possible. He could make out shrill words and phrases like "LAZY ASSHOLE" and "KILL YOU" and "--WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR THREE WEE--" from where he was standing, a daring distance of sixty feet away from his flailing sister and a dodging Shikamaru. Considering the damage Temari had already done so far with her fan to her surroundings (and her sexual revelations to Kankurou's poor psyche), Kankurou really, really wanted to move back another six-hundred.
(Especially after that bit about the strap-on that he REALLY DID NOT NEED TO KNOW. Kankurou was going to need more booze than the village had, and it still probably wouldn't be enough to drown the mental pictures from his mind.)
Shikamaru said something too quiet to hear, but it was enough to provoke another sharp gesture and shriek from Temari. With no regard for the innocent bystanders watching (or even her own brothers, trying to talk the pair down from causing any sort of diplomatic problems with their lover's spat), she let loose several more tornadoes of sand Kankurou's puppets were absolutely no help with defending against.
It was kind of embarrassing to be saved from your big sister by someone you had written off as one of Konoha's weak links, Kankurou decided as the dust cleared, waving his arms in a clear gesture to be let down. When had Chouji gotten taller than him? Though Kankurou was set on his feet, Chouji kept a steadying grip on his shoulders.
But at least I didn't have to be rescued by Gaara, thought Kankurou, glancing with some sympathy at Lee's dazed expression where he lay at Gaara's feet. Kankurou didn't think he could live down being saved by his little brother, no matter how strong the little bastard might be.
Looking once more at Chouji's slightly amorous expression and trying not to shrug off the too-firm, not-that-comforting hands, though, Kankurou couldn't decide if it was worth it.
"--AND WHEN WE GET HOME--" came Temari's voice once more.
Then again, at least it wasn't likely that Chouji would start screaming their sexual secrets or destroy a quarter of the village over the issue of who was and wasn't allowed to baby-sit in the future. And with that, Kankurou was suddenly overwhelmed with a wholehearted urge to join Gaara in the gay lifestyle.
Epilogue:
Little did Kankurou know that Ino and Chouji came as a set, and while Kankurou had plenty of fun putting the sex in "bisexual," he soon discovered that in some ways, Ino was eerily similar to his sister. His only consolation was that the rage was spread across the both of them, and he was a faster moving target than Chouji.
Naruto: Gaara/Lee, bondage:
Switches and Subs and Sand, oh My!
Lee was terrible at this. He kept asking if Gaara was comfortable enough, if he didn't need the bonds loosened a little, if he remembered the safe word and if "no" really did mean no this time. The bed's pillows had already been re-fluffed ten times and replaced behind Gaara's body; despite this, Lee once more crawled over him and leaned close enough to kiss, lips scant millimeters away . . . and only fucked around with the pillows again.
Gaara was certain this was not how this sort of thing was supposed to go. He began to wonder if this might not be Lee's own version of torture.
"Are you sure I can't get you anything?" Gaara stared at Lee, wondering if all that being smacked in the head during training hadn't damaged his brain in some way. "Something more I could do for you?"
"You could fuck me," said Gaara. Lee blushed and stammered for a minute. Finally, Gaara gave up, summoned his sand, and decided that this one last time he would show what he wanted by example. Lee made a happy squeaking sound at the sudden rush of sand flooding over and immobilizing him.
Shaking off the lengths of silk ribbons and staring at Lee's wide eyes and parted lips, Gaara had the sneaking suspicion that despite their sudden reversal, Lee had won again.
Naruto: Kiba secretly really hates bugs. Like, a lot:
Love is Many a Sleepless Night
Kiba thinks bugs are creepy. Really creepy. Their little eyes and wings and antennae and spindly legs; the way he can never tell if they're watching him for Shino or for their own, secret, unknowable agenda. Kiba knows there's some sort of intelligence at work, there, their tiny brain cells rubbing slowly and malevolently together.
Still, even having seen countless insects break their way out of Shino's skin, even hearing them now buzzing and thrumming away at each touch, Kiba can't quite bring himself to stop, to remove his hands from Shino's body, much less bring himself to get out of the bed.
Even knowing Shino housed thousands of tiny bugs, Kiba can't help but slip his tongue into Shino's mouth, and hands into his pants. To do otherwise is unthinkable.
This doesn't mean, though, that Kiba can't admit to himself, hours later, staring at the ceiling and still unable to sleep, that while he loves Shino, those bugs are still really damn creepy.
Naruto: Might Guy, Porn Star:
The End of an Illustrious Career (and Beginning to a Beautiful Friendship?)
“No,” said Hatake Kakashi. “Hell, no.”
“You’ll be in good hands,” Tsunade-porn-industry-princess-turned-ruthless-tycoon-leered at him. Kakashi looked disbelievingly from her to his fellow actor. “Under all that green spandex, there’s quite an impressive . . . talent, not to mention his boundless . . . enthusiasm.”
Guy grinned. “Kakashi! It’s been awhile! I’ve heard that there are special plans for this shoot.”
Kakashi turned back to Tsunade. “Fuck this-”
“That’s the plan,” Tsunade said, but Kakashi wasn’t listening.
“-I’ll go back to working for Jiraiya before I play his rival again.”
Tsunade raised her eyebrows a bit at that, but smiled sweetly. “Then this is perfect. Jiraiya’s co-producing, and you won’t be Guy's rival.” Kakashi didn’t trust that look in her eyes. “You’ll be his love interest.”
And with those five words, Kakashi’s acting career came to an abrupt and screeching halt.
And the very long epilogue I didn't include in the comment:
Tsunade and Jiraiya continued to co-produce for a short while, before once more parting professional ways. Against her better judgment, though, Tsunade agreed to finally consider more personal ties. To this day, currently seated at her own desk and nursing a migraine over Jiraiya's current antics, she can't decide what the hell she was thinking
Kakashi went on to write many hit romance novels. Once he realized that his heroine too closely resembled himself and the hero one Might Guy, these, too, were lost to him. He is currently sitting alone in his apartment, contemplating the three objects on his desk: a glass of gin, a revolver, and a dinner invitation. For the past three months, he has chosen the first, and he can only pray to God that he would choose the second over the third. Every time he drinks the gin, though, the dinner invitation seems more and more tempting. He has a sinking suspicion, like the Titanic contemplating the tip of an iceberg and incognizant that its hulls have been breached, that it may be far too late.
Guy has since retired from acting, though he remains active in the industry. His enthusiasm and unique style of directing have won him many awards, and his protégé makes him proud every day. He is certain that any day now, Kakashi will accept his dinner invitation, and life will be perfect. Someday he may be right, and very, very wrong.
Naruto: Lee/Girl!Gaara:
Preference, or Lee's Gonna Get Himself Killed!
She was . . . she was just so cute. Lee was beginning to suspect a preference for redheads. He held a hand to his nose, just in case, as she bent over to put down her gourd. He repeated to himself what Guy-sensei had said about natural urges during the blooming of one's springtime of youth and tried to remind himself that the ninja standing before him was well known as a highly-skilled shinobi and ruthless killer. There could be no mis-steps, and he had every intention of showing the world the success of his ninja way.
. . . But maybe he might need a blindfold first.
He opened his mouth to try a witty taunt, as Guy-sensei might do. "GO OUT WITH ME."
. . . Or possibly a gag.
Not really so much an epilogue as my all-caps ranting, but:
AND THEN BECAUSE THIS IS MY STORY AND I HAVE NOT SLEPT AND IT IS NEARING 6:40 LEE SOMEHOW SURVIVES AND SOMEDAY THEY GROW UP AND LEE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE GIRL WHO BROKE HIS LEGS AND HIS HEART AS A GENIN AND SHE PROVIDES HIM WITH BOTH GAG AND BLINDFOLD ON HER MORE IRRITATED NIGHTS. <3 <3 <3
Naruto: Sakura proposes a threesome:
Of Plans and Inevitability (like a Black Hole of Sex and Stupidity)
"Now look," Sakura said, "it's the only possible way. It was inevitable; I really should've seen it sooner. Fortunately, I've realized its necessity, and now things will get better."
The lack of response was beautiful. Naruto made some upset noise, but it was half-hearted and incoherent. Sai remained silent, expression one of concentration.
"We'll have to invest in more rope, of course, and much, much more lube. The gags seem to be working admirably, though, don't you think?"
Sai'd managed to get a hand free. He used it to molest Naruto, leaving their gags and bonds alone. Sakura smirked and joined in the second round.
It really was the perfect solution.
Hikago: Waya having a MASSIVE DORKCRUSH on Isumi:
All the Warning Signs of Impending Teenage Angst and Embarrassment (but Especially Embarrassment)
Waya is going to get over Isumi. Any day now. Especially now that Isumi's gained self-confidence and made huge leaps in go skill and, oh, apparently found and made friends with Waya's EVIL TWIN while in China. Not to mention that Isumi's somehow gotten even hotter, and it should be illegal to have that top button undone during a go match, ILLEGAL, Waya can see Isumi's THROAT, and it's long and exposed and muscular, and just begging to have Waya lick it, BEGGING, and, God, he's losing his mind, not to mention this go match if he can't pull it together in the next two minutes.
Isumi licks his lips and Waya can't help it, he whimpers and drops his go stone.
"Are you alright?" Isumi asks, concerned.
"Fine," Waya reassures him, waving his hands and feeling as crazy as Shindou. "I'm fine. I meant to do that."
"It's just," says Isumi, leaning forward a bit over the goban, tie drifting out over it and Waya's dropped stone, leading his eyes back up to Isumi's entirely too naked throat, "You're shaking a little bit." His hand reaches up and touches Waya's shoulder. Hand! Touching! "And you're really red. Do you need to maybe lie down?"
Lying down leads to thoughts of beds. He can feel the burning in his cheeks grow worse. Waya wonders if this is what hell is, oblivious friends and inappropriate touching.
But any day now, he'll get over this, Waya tells himself. Any day now.
It doesn't take a genius like Touya to know it's a lie.
Naruto: Naruto/Hinata ♥:
Shadows and Lasting Impressions
Someone has taken to leaving paper hearts in Naruto's room. They're carefully folded and made of a delicate, dark paper. Nothing is visibly inscribed on first glance, but upon closer inspection, there are words written in black ink, visible only for their impression on the paper. The words appear from and disappear into the folds. Partial words and phrases can be made out: "Keep working hard and" and "I think that" and "I" and "You" and "Sor," "orry," "sorry."
He thinks it's a joke the first time, after the genin exam, coming alone to his empty apartment to find a black heart on his bed, thinks maybe it's someone telling him it's his heart that's wrong, his heart that's the reason he failed, that no one likes him. But Iruka-sensei took him for ramen and told him stories and accepted him, and he's able to brush it off easy, flick it to the side and flop into bed.
The next time, it's right before the chunin exam, lodged half-under his door. He's a little more curious this time, but he's busy, and it's put aside and forgotten.
More come after that, usually when he's away on a mission, or has had a worse-than usual week. After the failed retrieval mission and returning from the hospital, right before he leaves with Jiraiya, his bed is covered in them, and that's when he notices the writing, finally, sprawled among them with some confusion. One is covered with "I'm sorry. I'm sorry" over and over. Another repeats "Good luck!" Another has "Take care" scratched in deep. None of them say "goodbye."
He doesn't receive any while he's traveling with Jiraiya, but three days after they return to Konoha for good, the hearts, too, return. Naruto even starts a drawer, and it's approaching its capacity to hold them. Every once in a while, he takes them all and scatters them across his bed, sifting through their partially revealed messages.
He knows there's something written in the middle, that he's only seeing the surface, but he can't bring himself to unfold the paper, to try to reveal their secrets. The paper is almost like tissue, though soft against his fingers. He's noticed that it's not really black so much as a dark, deep violet, so close you almost can't tell. The paper wavers delicately with his every breath.
Naruto's only sixteen, now, but he more than anyone knows the fragility of a heart. Opening it, reading it, clutching it tight between grasping fists, would only destroy it and, even with so many, each is too precious to lose.
Doctor Who: Sonic Screwdriver:
Of New York, Bananas, and Missing Screwdrivers
The sonic screwdriver was missing. The sonic screwdriver was missing, and so were his glasses, clothes, and, oh, THE TARDIS. This is why the Doctor didn't sleep. When he slept, things like THIS happened. At least Romana wasn't here to mock him, he thought, clutching his sheets close and trying to remember what, exactly, had occurred. The last thing he recalled was New New New New New York and that New Year’s party. He’d forgotten the banana. Fashioning the sheets into a make-shift toga and getting up to explore, the Doctor knew it wouldn’t be a mistake he made again.
Naruto: Kakashi/Guy, First Kiss:
Nothing Like the Fairy Tales, or That Birthday Kakashi Got Smashed and Guy Almost Got Laid
It wasn't glamorous or romantic. There were no waves crashing dramatically in the background, and no radiant sunset back-lit them. They were seventeen and drunk and sprawled out on the floor of Kakashi's apartment, and Guy had just confessed in that brash, shameless way of his that he'd never been kissed. He was waiting for the right person, the perfect moment, and Kakashi realized that Guy was going to die a virgin if drastic measures weren't taken right that instant.
As Guy continued to ramble on about True Love and Staying Pure, Kakashi extinguished the lights. He ignored Guy's confused babbling about if Kakashi were tired, Guy could go home, but it was only eleven and Guy thought Kakashi had wanted to stay up and continue celebrating. Kakashi pulled down his mask with care, swaying a little (had they really downed both of those bottles?), and then tripped over Guy, who was a foot closer to the door than Kakashi remembered. He lay there for a moment, listening to Guy's voice and bracing himself.
"Guy," he said finally, seeking out Guy's face, then lips with his fingers. Guy went silent at Kakashi's first touch. "Shut up."
It was awkward. Kakashi had to hold Guy's head still. It took several seconds for Guy to respond, and when he did, it was obvious he hadn't been lying about the lack of experience, though Staying Pure flew right out the window in favor of wandering hands and open lips.
After several unexpectedly pleasurable minutes, Kakashi pulled back, breathing embarrassingly heavy. "Right. For next year's resolution, you can work on your virginity." He let that hang in the air for a moment, then said, "Or we can work on my resolution of getting laid once a week right now."
Guy made a sound halfway between a moan and a squeak. Kakashi grinned and pressed his advantage.
The Sad Epilogue:
And then they discovered one of the many evils of alcohol, and had to wait until the morning, at which point Kakashi was too hung over and Guy had cold feet.
Jeeves & Wooster: Jeeves, drunk - narration by Bertie:
Save Me, Jeeves!
or
Yet Another Adventure, in Which Wooster Plots, Jeeves Gets Pissed, and Bingo Once More Runs Away
(A Snippet)
But d. is the better part of v. as Jeeves would say, and so I took it to heart, hauling on his arms and indicating for Bingo to take his feet. Jeeves had put on a few pounds over the holis, or so it seemed at the moment as I tried not to fall over. All those shared sugar plums had gone straight to his waist--not that I could see any change (or spent any time staring at his midsection, not at all), but the evidence was in my inability to budge the old boy. Bingo also felt the strain, and fumbled Jeeves's lower half.
"Careful!" I admonished, but it was too late. Jeeves had revived again, somewhat, blinking blearily at me and attempting to shake off my arms and straighten up.
"I do beg your pardon, sir," he slurred, and I stopped him right there.
"Not now, Jeeves, she's coming!" Jeeves understood that much of the situation, at least, and slumped back into my arms.
Eying the door and clutching Jeeves close, I suspected we would never be following one of my plans again. The only consolation I could offer Jeeves was that at least by this point the burgundy and custard striped waist-coat was done for. But as the sound of dainty and foreboding footsteps drew nearer the door, I knew it was all in vain.
It was time for the last defense.
"Bingo, old chap. I say," I started rather casually. I looked over. He was gone. The coward had vanished!
Jeeves snuggled against the shoulder of my exposed shirt, warm breath huffing against my neck. The door knob began to turn. I looked longingly out the open window. Jeeves and I would never make it out in his condition. If ever there were a time for cavalry, this was it.