Story
A few months ago Kaela bet me that I would be incapable of writing a romance story. I, being the competitive person I am, told her I could. However, being the nerd that I am, I decided to make it an engineering romance. Its extremely dorky, if word of this ever gets out I'll be ruined for life. That's why I decided to post it on the internet :P
Anyway, here it is. Beware the sexy scene in the end!
For the Love of Einstein
By: Joseph Diner
Early one September morning Suzie Shultz sat resting on a bench beside the Duck Pond at Virginia Tech, lazily trying to decide how many ducks she could steal before people would start to notice. The sun shone through the trees in beams around her, and it complemented the wavy locks of cornsilk hair which fell around her shoulders. Her dazzling beauty could have gotten her any boyfriend on campus, were it not for one thing: her personality. She was the most unrepentant nerd on campus, enough to become a legend. Boys used to ask her out all the time, but after a few “romantic evenings at the Math Emporium” word had gotten around about her, and now no one bothered. Her only friend was her roommate, Helga Hindenburg, a 300 lb weightlifter, who was now single because she had crushed the life out of her late boyfriend when trying to give him a hug. And so Suzie sat by the pond, alone, unaware that fate was speeding towards her on two gyroscopically stabilized wheels.
She heard a slight whirring noise and then a startled scream. Turning her head just in time, she saw a handsome young man with blue eyes and a look of total terror on his face. He, and the Segway which he had been riding, careened off the path and with a mighty splash fell into the pond.
“No!” Suzie shouted as the boy struggled in the water, obviously not able to swim. With one last splash he slipped beneath the surface, his arm outstretched. She kicked off her shoes and rushed towards the pond, leaping in. She dove towards the bottom and grasped around wildly before grabbing hold of what she had to save. Swimming back to shore she hauled herself up onto the grass. She feared that she was too late, and her fears were soon confirmed. Tears streaming from her eyes she threw her hands up. “No! I always wanted one of these!” She looked down at the Segway that would never roll again, and shed another tear.
Meanwhile the boy had barely managed to drag himself up onto land. He sat for a few moments, coughing up water, before crawling over to Suzie. She turned to him and said “I… I’m sorry. I couldn’t save it!”
He looked down at the waterlogged machine and sputtered, in a heavy German accent, “I understand. You are a hero for trying.”
Suzie got up and left the young man there, realizing that she was late for her “Japanese Astrophysics” class. After class ended she returned to her dorm room and saw Helga lying on her bed. She approached her quietly.
“Hey Helga… I heard what happened to your boyfriend…”
Helga sat up and sighed, “Ah, yes, he was a very nice man. But he was too weak for my muscles. These things happen.” She laid back down.
At last she’s taking it well thought Suzie. Putting her books down on her desk she was surprised when Helga asked “Have you heard about the new exchange student, Hans Hasholfer?” She turned around.
“No, why?”
“He’s from Germany, and looks better than a freshly lacquered tuba. I saw him riding around campus on a Segway earlier.”
“Gee Wilikers!” Suzie exclaimed. She explained what had happened earlier in the day, and Helga stared at her in amazement.
“Wow! Would you be able to introduce him to me? He seems brawny enough to withstand my power.”
“Sure” replied Suzie quickly, slightly disturbed by Helga’s enthusiasm. “But I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.”
She did, however, see Hans again. The very next day in the “Platypus Philosophy” class that she was forced to take she saw him sitting in the back, getting admiring glances from all the girls. When he spotted her he seemed relieved to have someone to talk to.
“Hello. I didn’t catch your name yesterday?” He murmured.
“I’m Suzie.” She quickly set up a date between Helga and him, which caused the room to erupt in commotion.
“NO!” Screamed one irate girl. “The only reason I’m even in this retarded class is cause I wanted to get a date with Hans! I can’t believe this! You *section edited for decency* This class can *edited* itself, I’m leaving!” She threw down the book with a crying platypus on the cover and stormed out of the room.
Helga spent hours that night preparing herself for her big date with Hans. After finally finishing her hair, putting on perfume, and trimming her mustache, she left with a Jabba the Hutt type laugh, though Suzie knew this was her version of a giddy giggle. When she returned, however, she was infuriated. “That little jerk!” She bellowed. “I wanted to talk about my muscles, but he wouldn’t listen! He didn’t even want to kiss me! Instead he just went on about some Einstein paper. I want to crush his skull!”
Suzie perked up. “Wait a minute, was it On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies?”
Helga looked confused. “Eh, yeah, that sounds like it.”
Suzie beamed. “Holy MATLAB! That’s my favorite paper ever!” All of a sudden hope grabbed a hold of Suzie. What if Hans was like her? What if someone finally understood her? She resolved to talk to Hans and see if it could be true.
She found him the next day in the library. He had a gigantic tome propped open, and seemed embarrassed to see her. He greeted her in his heavily accented English. “Err, I am so sorry about last night with Helga. I don’t understand what went wrong….”
“Don’t worry about it, Hans” she replied. “Helga doesn’t really forgive or forget, but if you avoid her you should be safe.” He still looked uncomfortable, so she asked “What are you reading?”
“It is a collection of all of Einstein’s love letters” he replied. They’re so beautifully written… look at this one: You are the energy for my matter, and our love is the square of the speed of light. Just thinking about integrating over your curves makes my rate of change increase exponentially.” He let out a sigh. “It’s just so moving.
Suzie was almost brought to tears by the pure elegance of the passage. “Hans,” she whispered in his ear “Do you want to go out?”
He turned towards her. “Yes! From the moment you nearly saved my Segway I knew you were the one.”
The next few months were pure bliss for the two. They studied together, read textbooks, and every night returned to the library to read more of Einstein’s letters. One night came soon that would change both of their lives forever.
They were both reading their “Calculus for Zombies” textbooks on Hans’ bed. Suddenly an uncontrollable urge came over Suzie. She put down the book, leaned over to Hans, and said, seductively, “Hans, do you want to do it?”
He looked at her in shock. “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”
She nodded. “That’s right…. I want to do math with you.”
He leaned over her and slowly unbuttoned her backpack. He reached inside and felt her massive notebooks, before pulling one out. He opened it up as, unable to resist, she dashed her hand into his pants pockets and pulled out his gigantic, perfectly shaped pencil. And then they got busy.
It was the most extraordinary math either of them had ever experienced; the turgid pressure of his pencil on her supple paper carrying them through the night. As they approached the end Suzie began to shout: “yes… yes… yes! Yes! YES! The square root of pi over 2!! I got it!” She collapsed on the bed sheets, Hans having finished as soon as she had.
As he looked at her he realized that it’s really quite easy to write a romance and make it smutty enough for it to sell.
The End
Anyway, here it is. Beware the sexy scene in the end!
For the Love of Einstein
By: Joseph Diner
Early one September morning Suzie Shultz sat resting on a bench beside the Duck Pond at Virginia Tech, lazily trying to decide how many ducks she could steal before people would start to notice. The sun shone through the trees in beams around her, and it complemented the wavy locks of cornsilk hair which fell around her shoulders. Her dazzling beauty could have gotten her any boyfriend on campus, were it not for one thing: her personality. She was the most unrepentant nerd on campus, enough to become a legend. Boys used to ask her out all the time, but after a few “romantic evenings at the Math Emporium” word had gotten around about her, and now no one bothered. Her only friend was her roommate, Helga Hindenburg, a 300 lb weightlifter, who was now single because she had crushed the life out of her late boyfriend when trying to give him a hug. And so Suzie sat by the pond, alone, unaware that fate was speeding towards her on two gyroscopically stabilized wheels.
She heard a slight whirring noise and then a startled scream. Turning her head just in time, she saw a handsome young man with blue eyes and a look of total terror on his face. He, and the Segway which he had been riding, careened off the path and with a mighty splash fell into the pond.
“No!” Suzie shouted as the boy struggled in the water, obviously not able to swim. With one last splash he slipped beneath the surface, his arm outstretched. She kicked off her shoes and rushed towards the pond, leaping in. She dove towards the bottom and grasped around wildly before grabbing hold of what she had to save. Swimming back to shore she hauled herself up onto the grass. She feared that she was too late, and her fears were soon confirmed. Tears streaming from her eyes she threw her hands up. “No! I always wanted one of these!” She looked down at the Segway that would never roll again, and shed another tear.
Meanwhile the boy had barely managed to drag himself up onto land. He sat for a few moments, coughing up water, before crawling over to Suzie. She turned to him and said “I… I’m sorry. I couldn’t save it!”
He looked down at the waterlogged machine and sputtered, in a heavy German accent, “I understand. You are a hero for trying.”
Suzie got up and left the young man there, realizing that she was late for her “Japanese Astrophysics” class. After class ended she returned to her dorm room and saw Helga lying on her bed. She approached her quietly.
“Hey Helga… I heard what happened to your boyfriend…”
Helga sat up and sighed, “Ah, yes, he was a very nice man. But he was too weak for my muscles. These things happen.” She laid back down.
At last she’s taking it well thought Suzie. Putting her books down on her desk she was surprised when Helga asked “Have you heard about the new exchange student, Hans Hasholfer?” She turned around.
“No, why?”
“He’s from Germany, and looks better than a freshly lacquered tuba. I saw him riding around campus on a Segway earlier.”
“Gee Wilikers!” Suzie exclaimed. She explained what had happened earlier in the day, and Helga stared at her in amazement.
“Wow! Would you be able to introduce him to me? He seems brawny enough to withstand my power.”
“Sure” replied Suzie quickly, slightly disturbed by Helga’s enthusiasm. “But I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.”
She did, however, see Hans again. The very next day in the “Platypus Philosophy” class that she was forced to take she saw him sitting in the back, getting admiring glances from all the girls. When he spotted her he seemed relieved to have someone to talk to.
“Hello. I didn’t catch your name yesterday?” He murmured.
“I’m Suzie.” She quickly set up a date between Helga and him, which caused the room to erupt in commotion.
“NO!” Screamed one irate girl. “The only reason I’m even in this retarded class is cause I wanted to get a date with Hans! I can’t believe this! You *section edited for decency* This class can *edited* itself, I’m leaving!” She threw down the book with a crying platypus on the cover and stormed out of the room.
Helga spent hours that night preparing herself for her big date with Hans. After finally finishing her hair, putting on perfume, and trimming her mustache, she left with a Jabba the Hutt type laugh, though Suzie knew this was her version of a giddy giggle. When she returned, however, she was infuriated. “That little jerk!” She bellowed. “I wanted to talk about my muscles, but he wouldn’t listen! He didn’t even want to kiss me! Instead he just went on about some Einstein paper. I want to crush his skull!”
Suzie perked up. “Wait a minute, was it On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies?”
Helga looked confused. “Eh, yeah, that sounds like it.”
Suzie beamed. “Holy MATLAB! That’s my favorite paper ever!” All of a sudden hope grabbed a hold of Suzie. What if Hans was like her? What if someone finally understood her? She resolved to talk to Hans and see if it could be true.
She found him the next day in the library. He had a gigantic tome propped open, and seemed embarrassed to see her. He greeted her in his heavily accented English. “Err, I am so sorry about last night with Helga. I don’t understand what went wrong….”
“Don’t worry about it, Hans” she replied. “Helga doesn’t really forgive or forget, but if you avoid her you should be safe.” He still looked uncomfortable, so she asked “What are you reading?”
“It is a collection of all of Einstein’s love letters” he replied. They’re so beautifully written… look at this one: You are the energy for my matter, and our love is the square of the speed of light. Just thinking about integrating over your curves makes my rate of change increase exponentially.” He let out a sigh. “It’s just so moving.
Suzie was almost brought to tears by the pure elegance of the passage. “Hans,” she whispered in his ear “Do you want to go out?”
He turned towards her. “Yes! From the moment you nearly saved my Segway I knew you were the one.”
The next few months were pure bliss for the two. They studied together, read textbooks, and every night returned to the library to read more of Einstein’s letters. One night came soon that would change both of their lives forever.
They were both reading their “Calculus for Zombies” textbooks on Hans’ bed. Suddenly an uncontrollable urge came over Suzie. She put down the book, leaned over to Hans, and said, seductively, “Hans, do you want to do it?”
He looked at her in shock. “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”
She nodded. “That’s right…. I want to do math with you.”
He leaned over her and slowly unbuttoned her backpack. He reached inside and felt her massive notebooks, before pulling one out. He opened it up as, unable to resist, she dashed her hand into his pants pockets and pulled out his gigantic, perfectly shaped pencil. And then they got busy.
It was the most extraordinary math either of them had ever experienced; the turgid pressure of his pencil on her supple paper carrying them through the night. As they approached the end Suzie began to shout: “yes… yes… yes! Yes! YES! The square root of pi over 2!! I got it!” She collapsed on the bed sheets, Hans having finished as soon as she had.
As he looked at her he realized that it’s really quite easy to write a romance and make it smutty enough for it to sell.
The End