The Way We Were, Chapter 2
Disclaimer: I don’t own the boys, but I do like to borrow them.
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual content (will be R later)
Summary: Seth/Ryan. “Seth always said their first holiday picture together, “when you first experienced the miracle that is Chrismukkah,” was his favorite, but Ryan had always secretly liked this picture better.”
This story will be told mainly in flashbacks so watch for the dates provided in each chapter. Many thanks to Eskimo-Desi, whose input improved this story greatly; any mistakes are mine.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2: Halloween
August 15, 2025
Ryan quickly took another step back and threw his arm up, trying to avoid a collision. A petite redhead barreled through the door, arms full of mail, reports and blueprints, head turned away, laughing back at someone.
“Oh, we’ll see about that! Let me just AH!” She yelped and dropped everything when Ryan touched her shoulder. “Oh my God! I think you just took ten years off me.” She clutched her chest dramatically. “I’m sorry Mr. Atwood; I didn’t expect to see you here.” She stooped down to pick up everything.
Ryan smiled at the top of her head and bent to help her. “It’s okay, Jeanne. I didn’t expect to see you either.” Ryan and Seth always spent the first three weeks of August on vacation. Except for this year... He took the paperwork from his secretary and carried it over to his drafting table. When he turned back around, Jeanne was regarding him with concern.
“I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am…”
Ryan cut her off, deliberately misunderstanding her. “No problem.”
She tried again. “Please let me know if there’s anything I…”
“It’s fine. Thank you.” Ryan turned back to his desk and started assembling another box, hoping Jeanne would take the hint.
No such luck. “I can have someone do that for you.” She persisted.
Ryan felt his shoulders inch upward and forced himself to ease them back down, allowing himself to close his eyes tightly since Jeanne was behind him. So, no questions about why I’m packing up my office at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon? Fucking Newport. Still no secrets here. He kept his voice deliberately light, “I’ve got it, thanks. Will you please shut the door on your way out?” He waited until he heard the latch click in place and then he walked over to the box he’d just filled. All the pictures should be in one box, he decided, removing the Chrismukkah picture and replacing the lid. He crumpled a layer of newspaper to line the bottom of the new box and picked up the photo he kept by his phone. It looked almost like a typical job site photo: Ryan standing outside in his work clothes, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, looking intently at something. Almost, except he wasn’t inspecting a foundation or a floor plan, he was looking at Seth. And Seth would never be on a construction site in that outfit.
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October 9, 2006
Ryan shivered as he walked into the apartment building; the evening air in Berkeley was a bit cooler than in Newport. He picked up the mail, flipping through it as he walked upstairs, and paused at his door when he heard the television playing. Seth must be home early. Or maybe he just brought...Lisa? Alicia? Lena? Whoever the girl of the month is, home with him. Great. Ryan unlocked the door and entered, tossing his keys on the side table. He could see Seth’s curly hair peeking up over the back of the couch.
“Hey. Thought you’d be over at...” Ryan groped mentally for a name as he stepped into the living room and surveyed the scene. An open pizza box from Zachary’s shared the coffee table with at least a dozen beer bottles. Molson’s? Since when does Seth drink Molson’s? Some guy Ryan had never seen before was lying on the sofa, the remote perched on his chest, his feet crossed and resting on Seth’s knee.
“Dude, girls suck!” Seth complained, sounding thoroughly disgusted. He was scrunched up in one corner of the couch, since his guest took up most of the space.
“So do some boys,” Seth’s friend said solemnly, sitting up and tossing the remote at Seth. He and Seth cracked up as the remote bounced off Seth’s arm.
Seth remembered his manners when he noticed Ryan’s blank look. “Hey, this is Colin; he’s in my lit class.” Seth gestured. “Colin, this is Ryan.”
“Nice to meet you.” Ryan stuck out his hand, pulling it back when he realized that Colin wasn’t going to get up and shake hands.
“The brother, right?” Colin gave Ryan an appraising look before turning back to Seth. “So, I’m guessing different fathers,” he remarked snidely.
Ryan’s eyes narrowed. “Yes. And different mothers.” Asshole. He turned and went into the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards just a little louder than strictly necessary.
Seth started laughing again but stopped when he saw Colin’s puzzled look. “Sorry. We’re, like, foster brothers, I guess you’d call it. Ryan came to live with us about three years ago.” His eyes fell on the pizza box. “Hey Ry? You hungry? We’ve got pizza.”
Ryan returned from the kitchen carrying a box of Captain Crunch. “No.” He munched on a handful of cereal and looked at the coffee table again. “Isn’t that a lot of beer for a Monday night?”
“Well, it might be, if it weren’t such a special day. Do you know what today is? Do you have any idea what today is?” Seth asked excitedly.
Ryan shook his head. “Nope, but I bet you’re going to tell me.” He grinned, amused as always by Seth’s enthusiasm, and took another handful of cereal out of the box.
“It’s Columbus Day, Ryan.” Seth looked at Ryan expectantly but got only an unimpressed stare in return. “It is also Canadian Thanksgiving. Don’t you see? It’s two holidays in one! Now, it doesn’t have the power of Chrismukkah, since there’s no Moses or Jesus, but still, two holidays in one always calls for a celebration! Hence, we have pizza with Italian sausage, Canadian beer,” Seth tipped his bottle in Ryan’s direction,” and Strange Brew.” He pointed to the television.
Ryan watched for a moment, chewing, before turning back to Seth. “Why?”
Colin answered for him, “Oh, I brought that. It’s Canadian culture, eh? Plus, the video store didn’t have a copy of Slapshot.” Colin and Seth burst out laughing again, practically falling all over each other, trading high fives and quoting random snippets of what must have been movie dialogue to each other.
Ryan watched them uncomfortably for a minute. Maybe that makes sense after a six-pack. But somehow, I don’t think so. “Uh, cool. I’m going to go study.” He went to his room, still carrying the box of cereal, and wondered what it was about Colin that he didn’t like.
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Lately there was no arguing with Seth - he always got what he wanted. And what he wanted was a Halloween party. Ryan vaguely remembered teasing Seth for letting Summer boss him around. How things had changed. Ryan stood near the front door, lit a cigarette, and looked around his apartment in disbelief. Loud music pounded, there was a haze of smoke hanging about a foot below the ceiling and the entire apartment seemed to be newly carpeted in wall-to-wall bodies. Jesus, how many people are in here? He glanced down at the empty bowl on the side table. The two girls from next door, Joy and Carrie, had taken six dozen condoms out of Seth and Ryan’s bathroom, numbered them, dropped them in the bowl, and appointed themselves the door prize committee. Ryan grinned as he remembered Seth’s bumbling explanation to the girls, dressed as Elvira and Betty Boop respectively, for why they found seven boxes of Trojans under the sink when they were looking for an extra roll of toilet paper.
“Oh. Those. Well, my mom...yeah, now is so not the time to discuss my mother. Anyway, not that I was a boy scout or anything, but, yeah, I do think it’s a good idea to...just, be prepared. Or do the right thing. Or something. Can you, uh, leave me a box, please?” Seth had stuttered, his face tomato red.
Where is Seth? Probably with Colin. With all these costumes, it’s hard to even tell who anyone is. Ryan was glad he’d convinced Seth to forgo Wolverines’ blades. The leather, hair, and sideburns were convincing enough and this way no one would get hurt; Seth’s gesturing could get a little wild sometimes. Ryan looked down at his own costume, still not sure how Seth had managed to talk him into this.
“Dude, you have to wear a costume!” Seth whined, “It’s Halloween. Well, the Friday before, but still.” Seth had been trying to convince Ryan for the past thirty minutes that costumes were a good thing and not just for kids.
“I’m not dressing up a like a superhero, Seth.”
“You don’t have to! It can just be something simple. Oh, I know.” Seth actually jumped around the kitchen in glee. “You could be Construction Worker Ryan! Dude, the girls will love it. In fact, they might even call you…Hot Construction Worker Ryan!”
“What?” Ryan’s glare indicated that Seth was insane.
Seth hurried to explain, “It will be easy. Just wear your regular clothes - wife beater and jeans, okay? Then put on your work boots and tool belt and there you go: Hot Construction Worker Ryan!” He smiled at Ryan, who immediately felt his face flush.
“Stop saying that!” Ryan looked away from Seth for a moment. “What about my hard hat?”
“No. Too Village People.” Seth laughed at the horrified look on Ryan’s face.
Just then the CD changed, snapping Ryan back to the present. Oh shit. Tell me that’s not...Yes, it is...Seth is a dead man. As the mob of drunken college students started singing along to “YMCA,” Ryan tried to make himself invisible.
Near the end of the song, he finally spotted Seth standing between Colin and some other people Ryan didn’t know. Well, actually he was sort of leaning on Colin, who was dressed as Pyro. Seth was talking and waving his arms around wildly, completely oblivious to the red party cup full of beer he kept sloshing all over the floor. Seth seemed to be telling a joke; he kept pausing to laugh. Finally, he must have reached the punch line because everyone around him burst out laughing. Several people were wiping tears away and Colin was laughing so hard that he almost fell over. He grabbed Seth’s arm to steady himself. And then he kept holding it. Ryan blinked, not sure he was seeing correctly. He watched in disbelief as Colin casually ducked under Seth’s arm and somehow ended up with it draped across his shoulders. Seth didn’t even stop talking; he just moved his arm forward a little, pulling Colin closer. Colin slipped his arm around Seth’s waist. What the fuck? Ryan finished his beer and slammed the cup down on the side table, wishing it was a bottle so he could break it. He lit another cigarette and watched them from across the room. A couple of minutes later, Colin took Seth’s empty cup and headed off to the kitchen, probably in search of more beer. Ryan strode across the room and tapped Seth on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Hey man. Sure. So, have you met...” Seth began trying to introduce his friends before he realized that Ryan was pulling him away. “Oh, you mean, like now?”
Instead of answering, Ryan turned Seth so that Seth’s back was to him. He wrapped his hands around Seth’s arms and began pushing him through the apartment, a task made more difficult by Seth’s repeated attempts to stop and ask Ryan what the hell he was doing. The bathroom door was closed so Ryan bypassed it and opened the door to Seth’s room instead. Unfortunately, it was occupied by a pirate and a nun who looked like they’d really rather be alone.
Seth burst out laughing as Ryan slammed the door shut. “Dude! Do you remember that party at Holly’s where I saw the threesome in her dad’s room? That was awesome! Well, not the part where we got our asses kicked, but, you know, that was the first time I saw anyone naked but myself. Well, except for gym class but that doesn’t count. Oh, and my dad that one time in the pool house but that doesn’t count either. So maybe it was just the first time I saw a woman naked. Oh no, that’s not right, because this one time...yeah, those blinds in the pool house were way overdue...”
Seth continued his ramble about every naked person he’d ever seen while Ryan pulled him over to his own room. Ryan stopped as the door opened and Joy came out giggling. “Hi. Carrie is trashed, so I had her lay down on your bed, Ryan. I’ll take her home later. Okay?” Joy headed back to the living room without waiting for an answer.
With an irritated grunt, Ryan turned back towards the bathroom. He knocked but got no answer, so he threw the door open and went in, dragging Seth after him. He reached around Seth and pushed the door shut, locked it and let go of Seth.
“Uh, dude? What the fuck is up with you?” Seth rubbed his arm, still smiling about the threesome, and looked around the bathroom, confused.
Ryan just stared at him until Seth wondered if you could be hypnotized from watching someone’s nostrils flare in and out. Finally Ryan shook his head and asked, “Are you drunk?”
“Little bit. Well, a lot bit. It’s a party, right? Our party, to be exact.” Seth nodded, answering his own question and smiling at Ryan.
Ryan did not return the smile. If anything, he looked even grimmer. “What are you doing, Seth?”
“Right now? I don’t know really. I was talking and I’m pretty sure there was beer because I was extra funny. And then apparently, you felt an extreme urge for Seth - Ryan time because you just manhandled me through the apartment. Hey, that could be a reality show: Seth - Ryan time, now with extreme urges and manhandling! I’d watch that. Or not. Whatever. It’s cool. And here we are. In our bathroom. So how are you, Ry? What’s up with you?” Seth blinked as his brain caught up with his mouth; sometimes he couldn’t even understand his own babbling.
“What are you doing with Colin, Seth?” Ryan’s tone was harsh but he couldn’t look at Seth’s face, keeping his eyes fixed on Seth’s collar.
“What? What do you mean, what am I doing with Colin? We’re drinking beers and talking. What’s your problem?” Seth reached his hand back, searching for the doorknob. He was not so drunk that he didn’t know this conversation was going places he didn’t want it to.
“What was he doing...putting his hands on you?” Ryan watched a blush rise from the neck of Seth’s shirt, following its progress until his eyes met Seth’s.
Seth’s eyes were cold but his voice was infinitely colder. “I don’t think that’s any of your fucking business.”
“Look Seth, I just...” Ryan started, but Seth cut him off.
“Why do you care who I date?” His words spilled out venomously, shocking Ryan.
“Date? Date? What? So now you’re gay?” Ryan practically spat.
“Maybe I am!” Seth was shouting now. “Why the fuck is that your business? What gives you the right...” Seth stopped abruptly at the look on Ryan’s face. Yeah, that’s his ‘punching-people-in-the-face’ face all right. Shit, where’s the doorknob? This is going to hurt! Seth closed his eyes and braced himself for the punch. But instead of a fist, Seth felt Ryan’s mouth against his. His eyes popped open and then his lips followed as Ryan’s tongue probed his mouth. Ryan hands were flat against the door on either side of his head. He kept his eyes locked on Seth’s.
After a few stunning seconds, Ryan felt Seth shift and lean into him, hard enough that Ryan took a step back. He closed his eyes and moved his hands off the door, intending to tangle them in Seth’s hair. But suddenly Seth was gone. Ryan’s blinked at the bathroom door swinging open towards him. Fuck! You idiot. He wasn’t kissing you back, he was trying to escape. Ryan groaned and kicked the door shut. He turned the lock and sank down to the floor, back against the door, and drew his knees up to his chest, hiding his face against them. He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but after he’d ignored about 10 different people knocking on the door and asking if someone fell in, the party noise seemed to die down. He realized that someone was calling his name.
“Ryan?” He didn’t respond but Joy continued, softly. “Everybody’s gone home. Call me in the morning and I’ll come help straighten up. Ryan? You okay in there? Do I need to call someone? Ryan, talk to me.”
Knowing she wouldn’t leave until she was convinced he wasn’t unconscious, Ryan finally answered. “Okay. Thanks.” He sat listening to her walk away and heard the apartment door shut. He waited another ten minutes just to be sure everyone was gone, and then slowly got up and opened the door. He stood looking at Seth’s door for a moment then knocked. He didn’t really expect an answer so it was no big surprise when he didn’t get one. There was no sign of Seth when he opened the door, but his skateboard was leaned up against the edge of his desk. Shit! Is he out driving around? How much beer did he have? Ryan hurried to the front door and saw Seth’s house and car keys lying on the table in their usual spot.
Ryan started cleaning up the living room, too on edge to think about sleeping. He chain-smoked as he filled two garbage bags with crumpled party cups, napkins, and other debris, and set dozens of bottles and cans next to the empty keg in the kitchen. He made a half-hearted attempt to wipe up spills in the kitchen but soon realized it would be easier just to mop the whole floor. As he worked, he kept glancing at the front door, then the clock, then the door again. At 3:47 AM, Ryan was out of cigarettes; he gave up, left the front door unlocked, and went to bed.
Ryan opened his bedroom door and found Seth sitting on his bed, eyes closed, back up against the headboard, legs stretched out, IPOD resting in his lap. Ryan could hear music seeping out from the headphones. He had an uncomfortable moment of déjà vu and stepped towards the bed. He was certain that Seth hadn’t heard him enter the room, but as he drew near Seth turned his head and opened his eyes; they glittered brightly with unshed tears.
“Seth, oh God,” Ryan croaked. Smooth. What next? I’m sorry? ‘I’m sorry’ is not going to fix this. Seth just stared at Ryan, waiting, obviously, for an apology, an explanation, something... As Ryan struggled to find the words he wanted, a single tear trailed down Seth’s cheek. With a sigh that couldn’t begin to convey his frustration and anger at himself, Ryan turned to leave.
“Do you remember,” Seth stopped as his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and removed his headphones. “Do you remember the Catalina-Chino Convention of ’04? Also, known as the Stop Being A Fucking Dumbass Treaty? The one where we agreed that while our ‘United We’re Unstoppable, Divided People Get Shot’ strategy is useful, sometimes we just need to open our fucking mouths and tell each other what the hell is going on? Does that ring any bells for you?” Seth kept his eyes leveled on Ryan.
Ryan nodded, then saw Seth’s glower and said, “Yes. The thing is...”
Seth interrupted, “So, what the hell is going on, Ryan?” Ryan opened his mouth to reply but Seth didn’t even pause for breath, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and standing up. “Here’s what I think. I think I’m going to break the treaty. As the author, I feel I’m well within my rights to do so. So, consider the treaty broken. Do you know why? Do you?”
Ryan started to shake his head, unnerved by Seth’s ranting, but caught himself and said, “No.”
“Because, sometimes, talking is really fucking overrated. You can talk all you want and it won’t change a thing. But you know that, right? With your brooding, and your glare-of-doom, and the punching?” Seth had moved closer to Ryan as he talked, his voice winding down to almost to a whisper.
Ryan looked at Seth, confused. “Do you...Are you going to punch me?”
Seth glared back. “Yes! No...” Seth grabbed Ryan’s shirt, pulled him close and kissed him fiercely, his teeth clicking against Ryan’s while his tongue explored boldly. Overwhelmed, Ryan put his hands on Seth’s chest for balance, but as soon as Seth felt his touch, he shoved Ryan away from him. “I don’t want to talk about this!” He stormed out of Ryan’s room.
Ryan caught Seth’s arm just as Seth was walking into the bathroom. “Seth.”
Seth yanked his arm away from Ryan. “Do you mind? I haven’t been able to get in here for the last 3 hours. And the last time you were in here with me, it didn’t really work out all that well.” He slammed the bathroom door and Ryan could hear him muttering to himself.
When Seth opened the door several minutes later, Ryan was still there, arms crossed, leaning up against the wall. Seth stared at him impassively for a long moment, and then turned towards his bedroom.
“I want to invoke Article C.” Ryan spoke hurriedly, wanting to keep Seth from locking himself in his room.
“What?!” Seth whirled back to face Ryan incredulously, hands on hips, sneer firmly in place.
Shit. Was that the right one? “You heard me. Article C.” Ryan swallowed, hoping Seth couldn’t hear it.
“You’re playing the Kirsten card? Now? About this?” Seth shook his head. “Dude, you’re cracked.”
Ryan soldiered on stonily. “Article C states, ‘If either party feels the other is being entirely unreasonable about refusing to open his fucking mouth, the offended party is bound by this agreement to involve the parental units--in order of preference: 1. Kirsten, 2. Sandy--to mediate said dispute, thus ensuring both parties know what the hell is going on.’”
Seth ignored the fire that ignited deep inside him when Ryan began to quote the treaty; he covered it with disdain. “You actually memorized that? Wow, that’s...special.” Seth held his hand over his heart mockingly.
“It is special. You wrote it. You asked me to read it.” Ryan thought he could see Seth’s expression softening. “I agreed with it. I signed it. All seven pages. Both copies.” He unfolded his arms and took a tentative step towards Seth.
Scorn wasn’t working. Seth could still feel the fire burning; he tried pushing it down with sarcasm, baring his teeth at Ryan in a way that didn’t resemble a smile at all. “Well, let’s just sit and chat then, shall we?” Maybe this would work; Ryan stopped walking towards him.
“Here?” Ryan waved his hand around, indicating the hallway in general. He was trying not to get pissed off, but he was determined that this one time Seth was not going to get his way. They were going to talk about this. “Here good for you?”
They stood glaring resolutely at each other.
“No.” Seth gave in, sighing. “Couch.” He waited for Ryan to move first, unwilling to brush past him. He followed Ryan into the living room, looking around in amazement. “What the hell? Were you...cleaning?” He threw himself down on the far side of the couch.
Ryan sat in the opposite corner. “So? The place was trashed. And I was waiting for you to come home. And thinking about how you were probably with Colin...” Ryan shrugged and tucked his hands under his knees. Nice, remind him of why he hates you.
Seth snorted bitterly. “He left. While I was in the bathroom, actually. With you. Apparently he caught the last part of your caveman routine. He left me a message; he thinks you and I have issues. Imagine. Also, he told me not to call him back.” Seth kicked the corner of the coffee table and put his feet up on it.
Ryan forced himself to look Seth in the eye. “I’m sorry. I don’t know...”
“Eh.” Seth waved off his apology. “I think we have bigger fish to fry, as they say. Well, I don’t know who exactly says that, but you know...” He closed his eyes and took a breath, preparing himself to speak; he was surprised when Ryan’s voice sounded, low and uncertain. Ryan never went first.
Ryan freed his right hand so he could run it through his hair. “Okay. Uh, so the issues are, one: Why did I drag you into the bathroom and maul you?” He couldn’t quite meet Seth’s eyes; didn’t want to see that wounded expression again.
Seth took his feet off of the coffee table and slouched even further down on the sofa. “And two: Why did I hide out in your bedroom, yell at you, and then kiss you?” He grabbed a throw pillow and started plucking at the ‘Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law’ tag.
Ryan held his head in his hands for a moment, remembering how Seth had tasted of beer and tears. “Three: How can I have these...feelings for you,” he looked at Seth plaintively, and wished desperately that he hadn’t smoked all his cigarettes, “when your parents took me in and treated me like their son?”
Seth groaned. “Dude...you know what? Never mind. Onward. I think we’re up to four? Why did I sleep with half of the women at Berkeley when what I really wanted was...you?” At that last part, he ripped the tag right off the pillow. “Which leads us to five: why didn’t I tell you any of this when I came back from Catalina?” He slid off the couch, then tucked his legs under the coffee table and tipped his head back to look at Ryan. “Anything else?”
Ryan shook his head and Seth paused to gather his thoughts.
“Do you mind,” Ryan’s voice faltered, “if we start with number five first?” He sat with his hands resting on his knees, his expression shuttered.
It was Seth’s turn to shake his head wordlessly. Again with the going first. What’s up with Ryan tonight? He turned so that his elbow rested on the couch cushion, propping his head up.
“Seth, why didn’t we have this conversation about two years ago, when you came home? All that talking, the whole treaty, and somehow this never came up?” Ryan gulped, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice.
“Um.” Seth stalled. Eloquent. Good opener. Just say it! “You know I spent all summer washing dishes in that shitty diner. So, here’s something you don’t know. When I came home, I didn’t know you were there. I kept trying to convince myself... I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I know you said you’d keep in touch but I knew it wouldn’t happen. People move on, or they change, or they just don’t really like you enough to make the effort.” Seth blinked back tears, remembering how miserable he’d felt when Ryan announced he was leaving. “Plus, I felt like a first-class idiot trust-fund baby--the kind of Newport asshole I despise--feeling sorry for myself when you were the one throwing away your chance for a better life. No one made you go; you left because you felt it was the right thing for you to do. And that scared me...because I’d never felt that way about anything...until you.” Seth poked at a small stain on the cushion; he’d spilled a bowl of Spaghettio’s on the couch their first night in the apartment. “I spent a lot of time alone, thinking. When I’d finally resigned myself to the fact that you wouldn’t be part of my life anymore, it was time to come home.”
Seth snuck a nervous glance over at Ryan. No jaw clenching, no fist tightening, so far so good. “So, I walked in the door and Mom and Dad were all over me, hugging and yelling and kissing and threatening. And Mom told me that Summer had been over every week, and that Theresa lost the baby and moved to Atlanta, and that you were in the pool house. All I felt was relief and then I was ashamed of myself, because I knew you must be feeling terrible. And I thought, maybe I could tell you after all. But when I walked out to the pool house, I saw you and Marissa on the bed, kissing, and I knew I couldn’t do it. So I left and walked to Summer’s. And on the way there, I convinced myself that if all I could have was your friendship, then I’d take it. Because it was a hell of a lot better than not having you at all. And after a lot of screaming, a rage blackout and amazing make-up sex, Summer agreed not to kill me. So I came home again and you were in the kitchen this time...and you know what happened from there.” He sat looking at the floor.
Ryan’s jaw dropped; he was stunned. “I had no idea…”
Seth gave him a wry look. “Yes, that’s why it’s called a secret unrequited crush.”
“No, I mean - you came home twice? In the same day? But your parents never said anything...” Ryan shook his head, as if that would make everything more clear.
“Well, there was so much yelling and grounding it was probably hard to tell what it was all for. And that gave me a legitimate reason to mope around and avoid playing PS2 with you for a while. Besides, you and Marissa were always going at it so dramatically--either making out or having huge fights and then making out--that it wasn’t too hard to just avoid the whole situation.” Seth shrugged and went back to picking at the stain.
“I never slept with her, you know. Marissa.” Ryan said, as if he could be talking about anyone else. “She was a mess when I got home, drinking all the time. I was kind of afraid to leave her alone. She really needed help.” He leaned towards Seth, wanting him to understand.
Seth had never really dropped his grudge against Marissa and didn’t want to be placated. “Yeah, I’m familiar with your white knight complex.” Seth’s dark look dared Ryan to disagree with him; he swallowed a smile when Ryan just nodded. “So that covers five. And makes issue four a little easier to understand, I think. I’d done the big relationship thing with Summer and I didn’t really want that again, at least not right away. And college women are amazingly more into casual sex than high school girls. And I apparently am not such an emo-geek here in Berkeley..or maybe there are more women willing to overlook my inherent geekiness. It’s not like I planned it but I wasn’t going to turn down all the sex; I’m a young man, I have needs.” Seth wondered momentarily if humor was the way to go with this one. Maybe not, Ryan looks a little irritated.
“So you’re blaming the women for you being a slut?” Ryan leaned back, crossed his arms and gave Seth a sideways glance.
“What? Slut? No! ” Seth spluttered, not sure what the question--or the answer--really was.
Ryan let the pointed silence linger for a bit. Then he shifted so that his body was facing Seth’s, his left knee pulled up against the back of the couch, deciding that the discussion about Colin could wait, for the moment. “When I came to Newport, what I liked best about you is that you accepted me right away, no questions asked. You could have been a real asshole to me--your mom clearly didn’t want me there. But you just smiled and asked me if I wanted to play... Nothing in my experience prepared me for how I started to feel about you. Everyone thinks California is so liberal, but there’s no such thing as tolerance in Chino. If you’re different, it just gets you beat up. And they keep at it until the different is beat out of you, or you go away. I got the same reception in Newport. So I got really good at blocking out things.”
Seth nodded in agreement; he’d seen most of the Newport fights. Hell, he’d had plenty of his own before Ryan showed up.
“When Sandy called to tell me you were gone...I couldn’t breathe. I hated not knowing where you were. It sounds stupid, but I was okay when I knew you were in Newport. But when you were just gone? God. When Theresa lost the baby, it was completely horrible, but it gave us both another chance to get things right. She went to Atlanta and I came home. Except, it wasn’t home without you. I couldn’t look Kirsten and Sandy in the eyes when they hugged me and cried, ‘At least one of our boys is home.’ How could I be their son and have feelings for you?” Ryan shook his head in dismay.
Seth reached his hand out and laid it on Ryan’s outstretched leg. “Dude, you know I never really considered you my brother. That would just be...wrong.” He crinkled his nose.
“No shit! Why do you think I was so freaked out?” Ryan kept still, hoping Seth wouldn’t pull his hand away. “What would Sandy and Kirsten say?”
“Yeah, we’re definitely not brothers. And I don’t think we should worry about what the parents will think, until we know what we think.” Seth lifted his hand up to count off the issues. “So we’re good on five, four, and that was three, right?” Seth knew they’d be revisiting the issue of Colin at some point. “So issues one and two...um, which both involve somewhat impetuous kissing.” He blushed.
“Look, this is all my fault. I’m sorry. Something about Colin rubbed me wrong from day one. And then when I saw him…touching you, something just snapped. I wanted to punch something, well, him and maybe you too, a little. I know it’s irrational, but I didn’t take it personally when you kept bringing different girls home. If you aren’t gay, you aren’t gay. But then to see you with him, instead of me...I know I was wrong and I shouldn’t have grabbed you, and basically attacked you. I haven’t lost my temper that badly in a long time. But it doesn’t give me any excuse to put my hands on you in anger,” Ryan fought to keep his voice even, his throat tightening, head tipped so low that Seth couldn’t even tell if his eyes were open. “And I understand if you…don’t want...or I could leave...”
“When are you going to stop doing that?” Seth jumped up, surprised at his sudden surge of anger. “When are you going to figure out that nothing you do is ever going to be so bad that you have to leave? You’re stuck with us. With me. Ryan, you burnt down a house, and we got my parents’ car, like, totally trashed and I can’t even count the number of parties you broke up by throwing some asshole into a pool. And it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter!”
Ryan recoiled from Seth’s outburst and watched him pace around the living room.
“So you kissed me because you were mad that I was with Colin?” He looked at Ryan with a raised eyebrow.
Ryan nodded and wondered if he looked as stupid as that sounded.
“Very mature, by the way. But who am I to talk? I kissed you because I was mad that you never told me that you wanted to kiss me. We’re both idiots! We deserve each other. And I don’t mean that in a good way! We’ve got a rather spectacular history of unsuccessful relationships between us. You know what? I don’t know what to think right now. Except that I’m tired and I want to go to bed.” Seth gave Ryan a look that he couldn’t read at all--which was very unusual since everything Seth thought was almost always readily apparent on his face--and then he stalked out of the room.
Ryan followed cautiously, rounding the corner just in time to see Seth pass his own room and enter his. What the hell? He stood frozen in the hallway. Seth came back out a moment later, carrying his shoes.
“Goodnight,” Seth said, closing his door.
Ryan didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he let it out in a rush, looking at Seth’s closed door. He walked to his room, heart heavy and wondering if he felt regretful or relieved.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Ryan awoke to the sound of the bathroom door shutting around 2:30 that afternoon. He heard Seth come out and shuffle off in the direction of the living room.
Okay, may as well get this over with. Ryan got out of bed and tried to figure out exactly what he wanted to say to Seth.
Seth stood in front of the open refrigerator door, drinking juice directly from the carton with his eyes closed. He looked like hell. The hair wax used to replicate Wolverine’s hairstyle had lost the battle with Seth’s pillow--one side was still fluffed out but the other was mashed flat--which did not make the sideburns he’d grown out especially for Halloween look especially attractive.
Ryan’s voice was tentative. “Hey.”
Seth grunted in return, put the juice back, and grabbed some leftover pizza before closing the fridge.
Ryan stifled a laugh. Seth rarely got so drunk that his hangovers were this bad. He watched in amusement as Seth stumbled over to the cupboard. The sleeve of Seth’s shirt rode up as he reached for a plate and Ryan’s smile faded when he saw the bruises on Seth’s arm.
Seth dropped the plate when Ryan grabbed his arm and pulled his sleeve up high on his shoulder. “What?” Seth craned his head around, trying to see what Ryan was studying.
Ryan was furious with himself. “Fuck. I didn’t realize...Seth, I’m sorry.” He pulled Seth’s other sleeve up and looked at that arm too. “Damn it.”
Seth finally realized Ryan was looking at the fingertip-sized bruises on his upper arms. “Dude. Let it go.” His voice was still low and raspy from sleep.
Ryan dropped Seth’s shirt and arm as if they were on fire. “Got it.” He turned and walked out of the kitchen and Seth heard the front door close quietly a moment later.
Seth stood blinking, the slice of pizza still in his left hand. His head hurt so bad, he could hardly hear himself thinking. What just happened? He didn’t mean to do it. He doesn’t need to apologize. Oh shit! Not let go of me. Seth picked up the plate and dropped the pizza on it. He grabbed his phone and dialed Ryan but got no answer. Fine, I’ll leave a message.
Two hours and several messages later, there was still no sign of Ryan. Seth gave up and went back to bed after taking several Tylenol and finishing off the rest of the juice. It was dark when he woke up. He was momentarily disoriented, and tried to discern if it was really, really late or really, really early but then decided that it really, really didn’t matter; it was dark and he had to pee. As soon as he opened his door, he could see the glow from the television flickering in the living room but there was no sound. Seth walked quickly to the bathroom and shut the door. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. “Wow. I look like hell.” Okay, first--well, second--order of business is to get rid of these sideburns. And then do something with the hair.
Ryan listened to the shower and wondered what he would do if Seth didn’t come talk to him.
Seth stood at the entrance to the living room and watched Ryan, who was wrapped up in a blanket The Nana had crocheted for Seth when he was eight, smoke and play PS2.
“Hey.” Ryan didn’t turn around but he did answer Seth, after stubbing out his cigarette.
“Hey.”
“Ry? When we were in the kitchen earlier, I didn’t mean that you should let me go.” Seth hovered at the arm of the couch, not sure if he should sit.
Ryan paused the game and looked up sheepishly. “Yeah, I know. I figured that out after I’d walked around a while.” He smirked a little when he added, “Although your thirteen voice mail messages were helpful too.”
Seth felt his face flush. “Uh, right. So,” he gestured to the television, “Ninjas? I thought you were trying to beat The Legend of Black Kat 2.”
Ryan chuckled. “I’m kind of...off pirates right now.”
Seth looked at him blankly for a moment then burst out laughing. “Oh my God! I’d totally forgotten about that? Who the hell was that?”
“I don’t know. They were in your bed, man.”
Seth shuddered. “So, job one: buy a new bed.”
“Maybe you should just start by changing your sheets,” Ryan laughed.
“Blech.” Seth shuddered. “You know, I feel the need for another shower.” He turned to leave.
“Or you could...” Ryan darted a sideways glance at Seth, extending the controller just a fraction, “Do you want to play?”
“Yes!” Seth sat down next to Ryan. “Prepare to die.”
Twenty minutes later, Seth was looking at his controller in disbelief. “Rematch!” He declared, shoving the coffee table out of the way so he and Ryan could sit on the floor. “You always win when we sit on the couch. And give me some of that blanket.”
Thirty minutes later, Ryan tried to look innocent when he asked, “Seth, do you think the carpet is throwing you off your game?”
Seth tried to give Ryan a glare-of-doom but failed miserably, making both of them laugh. They lapsed into their first comfortable silence since the party, sitting side by side, thighs touching under the blanket as they started a third game.
Ryan laid his hand on Seth’s knee gently. “Do you..Are we okay?” He licked his lips and hoped he didn’t look as nervous as he felt.
Seth cocked his head and looked at Ryan, his expression serious. He leaned over to brush a light kiss on Ryan’s mouth, their lips barely touching. “What do you think?”
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
That was the problem. Ryan didn’t know what to think anymore. He shook his head. Looking at pictures of Seth was not making this any easier. So forget about the pictures for right now. How about the desk? There lot’s of stuff to pack in here. Ryan pulled all the files out of his lower drawer and shoved them into a box randomly, making no attempt to keep them in order. See, that’s not so hard. Okay, next drawer. He opened the center drawer and stopped when his eyes fell on the small green box. He picked it up and took the lid off slowly, staring inside.
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual content (will be R later)
Summary: Seth/Ryan. “Seth always said their first holiday picture together, “when you first experienced the miracle that is Chrismukkah,” was his favorite, but Ryan had always secretly liked this picture better.”
This story will be told mainly in flashbacks so watch for the dates provided in each chapter. Many thanks to Eskimo-Desi, whose input improved this story greatly; any mistakes are mine.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2: Halloween
August 15, 2025
Ryan quickly took another step back and threw his arm up, trying to avoid a collision. A petite redhead barreled through the door, arms full of mail, reports and blueprints, head turned away, laughing back at someone.
“Oh, we’ll see about that! Let me just AH!” She yelped and dropped everything when Ryan touched her shoulder. “Oh my God! I think you just took ten years off me.” She clutched her chest dramatically. “I’m sorry Mr. Atwood; I didn’t expect to see you here.” She stooped down to pick up everything.
Ryan smiled at the top of her head and bent to help her. “It’s okay, Jeanne. I didn’t expect to see you either.” Ryan and Seth always spent the first three weeks of August on vacation. Except for this year... He took the paperwork from his secretary and carried it over to his drafting table. When he turned back around, Jeanne was regarding him with concern.
“I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am…”
Ryan cut her off, deliberately misunderstanding her. “No problem.”
She tried again. “Please let me know if there’s anything I…”
“It’s fine. Thank you.” Ryan turned back to his desk and started assembling another box, hoping Jeanne would take the hint.
No such luck. “I can have someone do that for you.” She persisted.
Ryan felt his shoulders inch upward and forced himself to ease them back down, allowing himself to close his eyes tightly since Jeanne was behind him. So, no questions about why I’m packing up my office at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon? Fucking Newport. Still no secrets here. He kept his voice deliberately light, “I’ve got it, thanks. Will you please shut the door on your way out?” He waited until he heard the latch click in place and then he walked over to the box he’d just filled. All the pictures should be in one box, he decided, removing the Chrismukkah picture and replacing the lid. He crumpled a layer of newspaper to line the bottom of the new box and picked up the photo he kept by his phone. It looked almost like a typical job site photo: Ryan standing outside in his work clothes, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, looking intently at something. Almost, except he wasn’t inspecting a foundation or a floor plan, he was looking at Seth. And Seth would never be on a construction site in that outfit.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
October 9, 2006
Ryan shivered as he walked into the apartment building; the evening air in Berkeley was a bit cooler than in Newport. He picked up the mail, flipping through it as he walked upstairs, and paused at his door when he heard the television playing. Seth must be home early. Or maybe he just brought...Lisa? Alicia? Lena? Whoever the girl of the month is, home with him. Great. Ryan unlocked the door and entered, tossing his keys on the side table. He could see Seth’s curly hair peeking up over the back of the couch.
“Hey. Thought you’d be over at...” Ryan groped mentally for a name as he stepped into the living room and surveyed the scene. An open pizza box from Zachary’s shared the coffee table with at least a dozen beer bottles. Molson’s? Since when does Seth drink Molson’s? Some guy Ryan had never seen before was lying on the sofa, the remote perched on his chest, his feet crossed and resting on Seth’s knee.
“Dude, girls suck!” Seth complained, sounding thoroughly disgusted. He was scrunched up in one corner of the couch, since his guest took up most of the space.
“So do some boys,” Seth’s friend said solemnly, sitting up and tossing the remote at Seth. He and Seth cracked up as the remote bounced off Seth’s arm.
Seth remembered his manners when he noticed Ryan’s blank look. “Hey, this is Colin; he’s in my lit class.” Seth gestured. “Colin, this is Ryan.”
“Nice to meet you.” Ryan stuck out his hand, pulling it back when he realized that Colin wasn’t going to get up and shake hands.
“The brother, right?” Colin gave Ryan an appraising look before turning back to Seth. “So, I’m guessing different fathers,” he remarked snidely.
Ryan’s eyes narrowed. “Yes. And different mothers.” Asshole. He turned and went into the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards just a little louder than strictly necessary.
Seth started laughing again but stopped when he saw Colin’s puzzled look. “Sorry. We’re, like, foster brothers, I guess you’d call it. Ryan came to live with us about three years ago.” His eyes fell on the pizza box. “Hey Ry? You hungry? We’ve got pizza.”
Ryan returned from the kitchen carrying a box of Captain Crunch. “No.” He munched on a handful of cereal and looked at the coffee table again. “Isn’t that a lot of beer for a Monday night?”
“Well, it might be, if it weren’t such a special day. Do you know what today is? Do you have any idea what today is?” Seth asked excitedly.
Ryan shook his head. “Nope, but I bet you’re going to tell me.” He grinned, amused as always by Seth’s enthusiasm, and took another handful of cereal out of the box.
“It’s Columbus Day, Ryan.” Seth looked at Ryan expectantly but got only an unimpressed stare in return. “It is also Canadian Thanksgiving. Don’t you see? It’s two holidays in one! Now, it doesn’t have the power of Chrismukkah, since there’s no Moses or Jesus, but still, two holidays in one always calls for a celebration! Hence, we have pizza with Italian sausage, Canadian beer,” Seth tipped his bottle in Ryan’s direction,” and Strange Brew.” He pointed to the television.
Ryan watched for a moment, chewing, before turning back to Seth. “Why?”
Colin answered for him, “Oh, I brought that. It’s Canadian culture, eh? Plus, the video store didn’t have a copy of Slapshot.” Colin and Seth burst out laughing again, practically falling all over each other, trading high fives and quoting random snippets of what must have been movie dialogue to each other.
Ryan watched them uncomfortably for a minute. Maybe that makes sense after a six-pack. But somehow, I don’t think so. “Uh, cool. I’m going to go study.” He went to his room, still carrying the box of cereal, and wondered what it was about Colin that he didn’t like.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Lately there was no arguing with Seth - he always got what he wanted. And what he wanted was a Halloween party. Ryan vaguely remembered teasing Seth for letting Summer boss him around. How things had changed. Ryan stood near the front door, lit a cigarette, and looked around his apartment in disbelief. Loud music pounded, there was a haze of smoke hanging about a foot below the ceiling and the entire apartment seemed to be newly carpeted in wall-to-wall bodies. Jesus, how many people are in here? He glanced down at the empty bowl on the side table. The two girls from next door, Joy and Carrie, had taken six dozen condoms out of Seth and Ryan’s bathroom, numbered them, dropped them in the bowl, and appointed themselves the door prize committee. Ryan grinned as he remembered Seth’s bumbling explanation to the girls, dressed as Elvira and Betty Boop respectively, for why they found seven boxes of Trojans under the sink when they were looking for an extra roll of toilet paper.
“Oh. Those. Well, my mom...yeah, now is so not the time to discuss my mother. Anyway, not that I was a boy scout or anything, but, yeah, I do think it’s a good idea to...just, be prepared. Or do the right thing. Or something. Can you, uh, leave me a box, please?” Seth had stuttered, his face tomato red.
Where is Seth? Probably with Colin. With all these costumes, it’s hard to even tell who anyone is. Ryan was glad he’d convinced Seth to forgo Wolverines’ blades. The leather, hair, and sideburns were convincing enough and this way no one would get hurt; Seth’s gesturing could get a little wild sometimes. Ryan looked down at his own costume, still not sure how Seth had managed to talk him into this.
“Dude, you have to wear a costume!” Seth whined, “It’s Halloween. Well, the Friday before, but still.” Seth had been trying to convince Ryan for the past thirty minutes that costumes were a good thing and not just for kids.
“I’m not dressing up a like a superhero, Seth.”
“You don’t have to! It can just be something simple. Oh, I know.” Seth actually jumped around the kitchen in glee. “You could be Construction Worker Ryan! Dude, the girls will love it. In fact, they might even call you…Hot Construction Worker Ryan!”
“What?” Ryan’s glare indicated that Seth was insane.
Seth hurried to explain, “It will be easy. Just wear your regular clothes - wife beater and jeans, okay? Then put on your work boots and tool belt and there you go: Hot Construction Worker Ryan!” He smiled at Ryan, who immediately felt his face flush.
“Stop saying that!” Ryan looked away from Seth for a moment. “What about my hard hat?”
“No. Too Village People.” Seth laughed at the horrified look on Ryan’s face.
Just then the CD changed, snapping Ryan back to the present. Oh shit. Tell me that’s not...Yes, it is...Seth is a dead man. As the mob of drunken college students started singing along to “YMCA,” Ryan tried to make himself invisible.
Near the end of the song, he finally spotted Seth standing between Colin and some other people Ryan didn’t know. Well, actually he was sort of leaning on Colin, who was dressed as Pyro. Seth was talking and waving his arms around wildly, completely oblivious to the red party cup full of beer he kept sloshing all over the floor. Seth seemed to be telling a joke; he kept pausing to laugh. Finally, he must have reached the punch line because everyone around him burst out laughing. Several people were wiping tears away and Colin was laughing so hard that he almost fell over. He grabbed Seth’s arm to steady himself. And then he kept holding it. Ryan blinked, not sure he was seeing correctly. He watched in disbelief as Colin casually ducked under Seth’s arm and somehow ended up with it draped across his shoulders. Seth didn’t even stop talking; he just moved his arm forward a little, pulling Colin closer. Colin slipped his arm around Seth’s waist. What the fuck? Ryan finished his beer and slammed the cup down on the side table, wishing it was a bottle so he could break it. He lit another cigarette and watched them from across the room. A couple of minutes later, Colin took Seth’s empty cup and headed off to the kitchen, probably in search of more beer. Ryan strode across the room and tapped Seth on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Hey man. Sure. So, have you met...” Seth began trying to introduce his friends before he realized that Ryan was pulling him away. “Oh, you mean, like now?”
Instead of answering, Ryan turned Seth so that Seth’s back was to him. He wrapped his hands around Seth’s arms and began pushing him through the apartment, a task made more difficult by Seth’s repeated attempts to stop and ask Ryan what the hell he was doing. The bathroom door was closed so Ryan bypassed it and opened the door to Seth’s room instead. Unfortunately, it was occupied by a pirate and a nun who looked like they’d really rather be alone.
Seth burst out laughing as Ryan slammed the door shut. “Dude! Do you remember that party at Holly’s where I saw the threesome in her dad’s room? That was awesome! Well, not the part where we got our asses kicked, but, you know, that was the first time I saw anyone naked but myself. Well, except for gym class but that doesn’t count. Oh, and my dad that one time in the pool house but that doesn’t count either. So maybe it was just the first time I saw a woman naked. Oh no, that’s not right, because this one time...yeah, those blinds in the pool house were way overdue...”
Seth continued his ramble about every naked person he’d ever seen while Ryan pulled him over to his own room. Ryan stopped as the door opened and Joy came out giggling. “Hi. Carrie is trashed, so I had her lay down on your bed, Ryan. I’ll take her home later. Okay?” Joy headed back to the living room without waiting for an answer.
With an irritated grunt, Ryan turned back towards the bathroom. He knocked but got no answer, so he threw the door open and went in, dragging Seth after him. He reached around Seth and pushed the door shut, locked it and let go of Seth.
“Uh, dude? What the fuck is up with you?” Seth rubbed his arm, still smiling about the threesome, and looked around the bathroom, confused.
Ryan just stared at him until Seth wondered if you could be hypnotized from watching someone’s nostrils flare in and out. Finally Ryan shook his head and asked, “Are you drunk?”
“Little bit. Well, a lot bit. It’s a party, right? Our party, to be exact.” Seth nodded, answering his own question and smiling at Ryan.
Ryan did not return the smile. If anything, he looked even grimmer. “What are you doing, Seth?”
“Right now? I don’t know really. I was talking and I’m pretty sure there was beer because I was extra funny. And then apparently, you felt an extreme urge for Seth - Ryan time because you just manhandled me through the apartment. Hey, that could be a reality show: Seth - Ryan time, now with extreme urges and manhandling! I’d watch that. Or not. Whatever. It’s cool. And here we are. In our bathroom. So how are you, Ry? What’s up with you?” Seth blinked as his brain caught up with his mouth; sometimes he couldn’t even understand his own babbling.
“What are you doing with Colin, Seth?” Ryan’s tone was harsh but he couldn’t look at Seth’s face, keeping his eyes fixed on Seth’s collar.
“What? What do you mean, what am I doing with Colin? We’re drinking beers and talking. What’s your problem?” Seth reached his hand back, searching for the doorknob. He was not so drunk that he didn’t know this conversation was going places he didn’t want it to.
“What was he doing...putting his hands on you?” Ryan watched a blush rise from the neck of Seth’s shirt, following its progress until his eyes met Seth’s.
Seth’s eyes were cold but his voice was infinitely colder. “I don’t think that’s any of your fucking business.”
“Look Seth, I just...” Ryan started, but Seth cut him off.
“Why do you care who I date?” His words spilled out venomously, shocking Ryan.
“Date? Date? What? So now you’re gay?” Ryan practically spat.
“Maybe I am!” Seth was shouting now. “Why the fuck is that your business? What gives you the right...” Seth stopped abruptly at the look on Ryan’s face. Yeah, that’s his ‘punching-people-in-the-face’ face all right. Shit, where’s the doorknob? This is going to hurt! Seth closed his eyes and braced himself for the punch. But instead of a fist, Seth felt Ryan’s mouth against his. His eyes popped open and then his lips followed as Ryan’s tongue probed his mouth. Ryan hands were flat against the door on either side of his head. He kept his eyes locked on Seth’s.
After a few stunning seconds, Ryan felt Seth shift and lean into him, hard enough that Ryan took a step back. He closed his eyes and moved his hands off the door, intending to tangle them in Seth’s hair. But suddenly Seth was gone. Ryan’s blinked at the bathroom door swinging open towards him. Fuck! You idiot. He wasn’t kissing you back, he was trying to escape. Ryan groaned and kicked the door shut. He turned the lock and sank down to the floor, back against the door, and drew his knees up to his chest, hiding his face against them. He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but after he’d ignored about 10 different people knocking on the door and asking if someone fell in, the party noise seemed to die down. He realized that someone was calling his name.
“Ryan?” He didn’t respond but Joy continued, softly. “Everybody’s gone home. Call me in the morning and I’ll come help straighten up. Ryan? You okay in there? Do I need to call someone? Ryan, talk to me.”
Knowing she wouldn’t leave until she was convinced he wasn’t unconscious, Ryan finally answered. “Okay. Thanks.” He sat listening to her walk away and heard the apartment door shut. He waited another ten minutes just to be sure everyone was gone, and then slowly got up and opened the door. He stood looking at Seth’s door for a moment then knocked. He didn’t really expect an answer so it was no big surprise when he didn’t get one. There was no sign of Seth when he opened the door, but his skateboard was leaned up against the edge of his desk. Shit! Is he out driving around? How much beer did he have? Ryan hurried to the front door and saw Seth’s house and car keys lying on the table in their usual spot.
Ryan started cleaning up the living room, too on edge to think about sleeping. He chain-smoked as he filled two garbage bags with crumpled party cups, napkins, and other debris, and set dozens of bottles and cans next to the empty keg in the kitchen. He made a half-hearted attempt to wipe up spills in the kitchen but soon realized it would be easier just to mop the whole floor. As he worked, he kept glancing at the front door, then the clock, then the door again. At 3:47 AM, Ryan was out of cigarettes; he gave up, left the front door unlocked, and went to bed.
Ryan opened his bedroom door and found Seth sitting on his bed, eyes closed, back up against the headboard, legs stretched out, IPOD resting in his lap. Ryan could hear music seeping out from the headphones. He had an uncomfortable moment of déjà vu and stepped towards the bed. He was certain that Seth hadn’t heard him enter the room, but as he drew near Seth turned his head and opened his eyes; they glittered brightly with unshed tears.
“Seth, oh God,” Ryan croaked. Smooth. What next? I’m sorry? ‘I’m sorry’ is not going to fix this. Seth just stared at Ryan, waiting, obviously, for an apology, an explanation, something... As Ryan struggled to find the words he wanted, a single tear trailed down Seth’s cheek. With a sigh that couldn’t begin to convey his frustration and anger at himself, Ryan turned to leave.
“Do you remember,” Seth stopped as his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and removed his headphones. “Do you remember the Catalina-Chino Convention of ’04? Also, known as the Stop Being A Fucking Dumbass Treaty? The one where we agreed that while our ‘United We’re Unstoppable, Divided People Get Shot’ strategy is useful, sometimes we just need to open our fucking mouths and tell each other what the hell is going on? Does that ring any bells for you?” Seth kept his eyes leveled on Ryan.
Ryan nodded, then saw Seth’s glower and said, “Yes. The thing is...”
Seth interrupted, “So, what the hell is going on, Ryan?” Ryan opened his mouth to reply but Seth didn’t even pause for breath, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and standing up. “Here’s what I think. I think I’m going to break the treaty. As the author, I feel I’m well within my rights to do so. So, consider the treaty broken. Do you know why? Do you?”
Ryan started to shake his head, unnerved by Seth’s ranting, but caught himself and said, “No.”
“Because, sometimes, talking is really fucking overrated. You can talk all you want and it won’t change a thing. But you know that, right? With your brooding, and your glare-of-doom, and the punching?” Seth had moved closer to Ryan as he talked, his voice winding down to almost to a whisper.
Ryan looked at Seth, confused. “Do you...Are you going to punch me?”
Seth glared back. “Yes! No...” Seth grabbed Ryan’s shirt, pulled him close and kissed him fiercely, his teeth clicking against Ryan’s while his tongue explored boldly. Overwhelmed, Ryan put his hands on Seth’s chest for balance, but as soon as Seth felt his touch, he shoved Ryan away from him. “I don’t want to talk about this!” He stormed out of Ryan’s room.
Ryan caught Seth’s arm just as Seth was walking into the bathroom. “Seth.”
Seth yanked his arm away from Ryan. “Do you mind? I haven’t been able to get in here for the last 3 hours. And the last time you were in here with me, it didn’t really work out all that well.” He slammed the bathroom door and Ryan could hear him muttering to himself.
When Seth opened the door several minutes later, Ryan was still there, arms crossed, leaning up against the wall. Seth stared at him impassively for a long moment, and then turned towards his bedroom.
“I want to invoke Article C.” Ryan spoke hurriedly, wanting to keep Seth from locking himself in his room.
“What?!” Seth whirled back to face Ryan incredulously, hands on hips, sneer firmly in place.
Shit. Was that the right one? “You heard me. Article C.” Ryan swallowed, hoping Seth couldn’t hear it.
“You’re playing the Kirsten card? Now? About this?” Seth shook his head. “Dude, you’re cracked.”
Ryan soldiered on stonily. “Article C states, ‘If either party feels the other is being entirely unreasonable about refusing to open his fucking mouth, the offended party is bound by this agreement to involve the parental units--in order of preference: 1. Kirsten, 2. Sandy--to mediate said dispute, thus ensuring both parties know what the hell is going on.’”
Seth ignored the fire that ignited deep inside him when Ryan began to quote the treaty; he covered it with disdain. “You actually memorized that? Wow, that’s...special.” Seth held his hand over his heart mockingly.
“It is special. You wrote it. You asked me to read it.” Ryan thought he could see Seth’s expression softening. “I agreed with it. I signed it. All seven pages. Both copies.” He unfolded his arms and took a tentative step towards Seth.
Scorn wasn’t working. Seth could still feel the fire burning; he tried pushing it down with sarcasm, baring his teeth at Ryan in a way that didn’t resemble a smile at all. “Well, let’s just sit and chat then, shall we?” Maybe this would work; Ryan stopped walking towards him.
“Here?” Ryan waved his hand around, indicating the hallway in general. He was trying not to get pissed off, but he was determined that this one time Seth was not going to get his way. They were going to talk about this. “Here good for you?”
They stood glaring resolutely at each other.
“No.” Seth gave in, sighing. “Couch.” He waited for Ryan to move first, unwilling to brush past him. He followed Ryan into the living room, looking around in amazement. “What the hell? Were you...cleaning?” He threw himself down on the far side of the couch.
Ryan sat in the opposite corner. “So? The place was trashed. And I was waiting for you to come home. And thinking about how you were probably with Colin...” Ryan shrugged and tucked his hands under his knees. Nice, remind him of why he hates you.
Seth snorted bitterly. “He left. While I was in the bathroom, actually. With you. Apparently he caught the last part of your caveman routine. He left me a message; he thinks you and I have issues. Imagine. Also, he told me not to call him back.” Seth kicked the corner of the coffee table and put his feet up on it.
Ryan forced himself to look Seth in the eye. “I’m sorry. I don’t know...”
“Eh.” Seth waved off his apology. “I think we have bigger fish to fry, as they say. Well, I don’t know who exactly says that, but you know...” He closed his eyes and took a breath, preparing himself to speak; he was surprised when Ryan’s voice sounded, low and uncertain. Ryan never went first.
Ryan freed his right hand so he could run it through his hair. “Okay. Uh, so the issues are, one: Why did I drag you into the bathroom and maul you?” He couldn’t quite meet Seth’s eyes; didn’t want to see that wounded expression again.
Seth took his feet off of the coffee table and slouched even further down on the sofa. “And two: Why did I hide out in your bedroom, yell at you, and then kiss you?” He grabbed a throw pillow and started plucking at the ‘Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law’ tag.
Ryan held his head in his hands for a moment, remembering how Seth had tasted of beer and tears. “Three: How can I have these...feelings for you,” he looked at Seth plaintively, and wished desperately that he hadn’t smoked all his cigarettes, “when your parents took me in and treated me like their son?”
Seth groaned. “Dude...you know what? Never mind. Onward. I think we’re up to four? Why did I sleep with half of the women at Berkeley when what I really wanted was...you?” At that last part, he ripped the tag right off the pillow. “Which leads us to five: why didn’t I tell you any of this when I came back from Catalina?” He slid off the couch, then tucked his legs under the coffee table and tipped his head back to look at Ryan. “Anything else?”
Ryan shook his head and Seth paused to gather his thoughts.
“Do you mind,” Ryan’s voice faltered, “if we start with number five first?” He sat with his hands resting on his knees, his expression shuttered.
It was Seth’s turn to shake his head wordlessly. Again with the going first. What’s up with Ryan tonight? He turned so that his elbow rested on the couch cushion, propping his head up.
“Seth, why didn’t we have this conversation about two years ago, when you came home? All that talking, the whole treaty, and somehow this never came up?” Ryan gulped, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice.
“Um.” Seth stalled. Eloquent. Good opener. Just say it! “You know I spent all summer washing dishes in that shitty diner. So, here’s something you don’t know. When I came home, I didn’t know you were there. I kept trying to convince myself... I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I know you said you’d keep in touch but I knew it wouldn’t happen. People move on, or they change, or they just don’t really like you enough to make the effort.” Seth blinked back tears, remembering how miserable he’d felt when Ryan announced he was leaving. “Plus, I felt like a first-class idiot trust-fund baby--the kind of Newport asshole I despise--feeling sorry for myself when you were the one throwing away your chance for a better life. No one made you go; you left because you felt it was the right thing for you to do. And that scared me...because I’d never felt that way about anything...until you.” Seth poked at a small stain on the cushion; he’d spilled a bowl of Spaghettio’s on the couch their first night in the apartment. “I spent a lot of time alone, thinking. When I’d finally resigned myself to the fact that you wouldn’t be part of my life anymore, it was time to come home.”
Seth snuck a nervous glance over at Ryan. No jaw clenching, no fist tightening, so far so good. “So, I walked in the door and Mom and Dad were all over me, hugging and yelling and kissing and threatening. And Mom told me that Summer had been over every week, and that Theresa lost the baby and moved to Atlanta, and that you were in the pool house. All I felt was relief and then I was ashamed of myself, because I knew you must be feeling terrible. And I thought, maybe I could tell you after all. But when I walked out to the pool house, I saw you and Marissa on the bed, kissing, and I knew I couldn’t do it. So I left and walked to Summer’s. And on the way there, I convinced myself that if all I could have was your friendship, then I’d take it. Because it was a hell of a lot better than not having you at all. And after a lot of screaming, a rage blackout and amazing make-up sex, Summer agreed not to kill me. So I came home again and you were in the kitchen this time...and you know what happened from there.” He sat looking at the floor.
Ryan’s jaw dropped; he was stunned. “I had no idea…”
Seth gave him a wry look. “Yes, that’s why it’s called a secret unrequited crush.”
“No, I mean - you came home twice? In the same day? But your parents never said anything...” Ryan shook his head, as if that would make everything more clear.
“Well, there was so much yelling and grounding it was probably hard to tell what it was all for. And that gave me a legitimate reason to mope around and avoid playing PS2 with you for a while. Besides, you and Marissa were always going at it so dramatically--either making out or having huge fights and then making out--that it wasn’t too hard to just avoid the whole situation.” Seth shrugged and went back to picking at the stain.
“I never slept with her, you know. Marissa.” Ryan said, as if he could be talking about anyone else. “She was a mess when I got home, drinking all the time. I was kind of afraid to leave her alone. She really needed help.” He leaned towards Seth, wanting him to understand.
Seth had never really dropped his grudge against Marissa and didn’t want to be placated. “Yeah, I’m familiar with your white knight complex.” Seth’s dark look dared Ryan to disagree with him; he swallowed a smile when Ryan just nodded. “So that covers five. And makes issue four a little easier to understand, I think. I’d done the big relationship thing with Summer and I didn’t really want that again, at least not right away. And college women are amazingly more into casual sex than high school girls. And I apparently am not such an emo-geek here in Berkeley..or maybe there are more women willing to overlook my inherent geekiness. It’s not like I planned it but I wasn’t going to turn down all the sex; I’m a young man, I have needs.” Seth wondered momentarily if humor was the way to go with this one. Maybe not, Ryan looks a little irritated.
“So you’re blaming the women for you being a slut?” Ryan leaned back, crossed his arms and gave Seth a sideways glance.
“What? Slut? No! ” Seth spluttered, not sure what the question--or the answer--really was.
Ryan let the pointed silence linger for a bit. Then he shifted so that his body was facing Seth’s, his left knee pulled up against the back of the couch, deciding that the discussion about Colin could wait, for the moment. “When I came to Newport, what I liked best about you is that you accepted me right away, no questions asked. You could have been a real asshole to me--your mom clearly didn’t want me there. But you just smiled and asked me if I wanted to play... Nothing in my experience prepared me for how I started to feel about you. Everyone thinks California is so liberal, but there’s no such thing as tolerance in Chino. If you’re different, it just gets you beat up. And they keep at it until the different is beat out of you, or you go away. I got the same reception in Newport. So I got really good at blocking out things.”
Seth nodded in agreement; he’d seen most of the Newport fights. Hell, he’d had plenty of his own before Ryan showed up.
“When Sandy called to tell me you were gone...I couldn’t breathe. I hated not knowing where you were. It sounds stupid, but I was okay when I knew you were in Newport. But when you were just gone? God. When Theresa lost the baby, it was completely horrible, but it gave us both another chance to get things right. She went to Atlanta and I came home. Except, it wasn’t home without you. I couldn’t look Kirsten and Sandy in the eyes when they hugged me and cried, ‘At least one of our boys is home.’ How could I be their son and have feelings for you?” Ryan shook his head in dismay.
Seth reached his hand out and laid it on Ryan’s outstretched leg. “Dude, you know I never really considered you my brother. That would just be...wrong.” He crinkled his nose.
“No shit! Why do you think I was so freaked out?” Ryan kept still, hoping Seth wouldn’t pull his hand away. “What would Sandy and Kirsten say?”
“Yeah, we’re definitely not brothers. And I don’t think we should worry about what the parents will think, until we know what we think.” Seth lifted his hand up to count off the issues. “So we’re good on five, four, and that was three, right?” Seth knew they’d be revisiting the issue of Colin at some point. “So issues one and two...um, which both involve somewhat impetuous kissing.” He blushed.
“Look, this is all my fault. I’m sorry. Something about Colin rubbed me wrong from day one. And then when I saw him…touching you, something just snapped. I wanted to punch something, well, him and maybe you too, a little. I know it’s irrational, but I didn’t take it personally when you kept bringing different girls home. If you aren’t gay, you aren’t gay. But then to see you with him, instead of me...I know I was wrong and I shouldn’t have grabbed you, and basically attacked you. I haven’t lost my temper that badly in a long time. But it doesn’t give me any excuse to put my hands on you in anger,” Ryan fought to keep his voice even, his throat tightening, head tipped so low that Seth couldn’t even tell if his eyes were open. “And I understand if you…don’t want...or I could leave...”
“When are you going to stop doing that?” Seth jumped up, surprised at his sudden surge of anger. “When are you going to figure out that nothing you do is ever going to be so bad that you have to leave? You’re stuck with us. With me. Ryan, you burnt down a house, and we got my parents’ car, like, totally trashed and I can’t even count the number of parties you broke up by throwing some asshole into a pool. And it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter!”
Ryan recoiled from Seth’s outburst and watched him pace around the living room.
“So you kissed me because you were mad that I was with Colin?” He looked at Ryan with a raised eyebrow.
Ryan nodded and wondered if he looked as stupid as that sounded.
“Very mature, by the way. But who am I to talk? I kissed you because I was mad that you never told me that you wanted to kiss me. We’re both idiots! We deserve each other. And I don’t mean that in a good way! We’ve got a rather spectacular history of unsuccessful relationships between us. You know what? I don’t know what to think right now. Except that I’m tired and I want to go to bed.” Seth gave Ryan a look that he couldn’t read at all--which was very unusual since everything Seth thought was almost always readily apparent on his face--and then he stalked out of the room.
Ryan followed cautiously, rounding the corner just in time to see Seth pass his own room and enter his. What the hell? He stood frozen in the hallway. Seth came back out a moment later, carrying his shoes.
“Goodnight,” Seth said, closing his door.
Ryan didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he let it out in a rush, looking at Seth’s closed door. He walked to his room, heart heavy and wondering if he felt regretful or relieved.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Ryan awoke to the sound of the bathroom door shutting around 2:30 that afternoon. He heard Seth come out and shuffle off in the direction of the living room.
Okay, may as well get this over with. Ryan got out of bed and tried to figure out exactly what he wanted to say to Seth.
Seth stood in front of the open refrigerator door, drinking juice directly from the carton with his eyes closed. He looked like hell. The hair wax used to replicate Wolverine’s hairstyle had lost the battle with Seth’s pillow--one side was still fluffed out but the other was mashed flat--which did not make the sideburns he’d grown out especially for Halloween look especially attractive.
Ryan’s voice was tentative. “Hey.”
Seth grunted in return, put the juice back, and grabbed some leftover pizza before closing the fridge.
Ryan stifled a laugh. Seth rarely got so drunk that his hangovers were this bad. He watched in amusement as Seth stumbled over to the cupboard. The sleeve of Seth’s shirt rode up as he reached for a plate and Ryan’s smile faded when he saw the bruises on Seth’s arm.
Seth dropped the plate when Ryan grabbed his arm and pulled his sleeve up high on his shoulder. “What?” Seth craned his head around, trying to see what Ryan was studying.
Ryan was furious with himself. “Fuck. I didn’t realize...Seth, I’m sorry.” He pulled Seth’s other sleeve up and looked at that arm too. “Damn it.”
Seth finally realized Ryan was looking at the fingertip-sized bruises on his upper arms. “Dude. Let it go.” His voice was still low and raspy from sleep.
Ryan dropped Seth’s shirt and arm as if they were on fire. “Got it.” He turned and walked out of the kitchen and Seth heard the front door close quietly a moment later.
Seth stood blinking, the slice of pizza still in his left hand. His head hurt so bad, he could hardly hear himself thinking. What just happened? He didn’t mean to do it. He doesn’t need to apologize. Oh shit! Not let go of me. Seth picked up the plate and dropped the pizza on it. He grabbed his phone and dialed Ryan but got no answer. Fine, I’ll leave a message.
Two hours and several messages later, there was still no sign of Ryan. Seth gave up and went back to bed after taking several Tylenol and finishing off the rest of the juice. It was dark when he woke up. He was momentarily disoriented, and tried to discern if it was really, really late or really, really early but then decided that it really, really didn’t matter; it was dark and he had to pee. As soon as he opened his door, he could see the glow from the television flickering in the living room but there was no sound. Seth walked quickly to the bathroom and shut the door. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. “Wow. I look like hell.” Okay, first--well, second--order of business is to get rid of these sideburns. And then do something with the hair.
Ryan listened to the shower and wondered what he would do if Seth didn’t come talk to him.
Seth stood at the entrance to the living room and watched Ryan, who was wrapped up in a blanket The Nana had crocheted for Seth when he was eight, smoke and play PS2.
“Hey.” Ryan didn’t turn around but he did answer Seth, after stubbing out his cigarette.
“Hey.”
“Ry? When we were in the kitchen earlier, I didn’t mean that you should let me go.” Seth hovered at the arm of the couch, not sure if he should sit.
Ryan paused the game and looked up sheepishly. “Yeah, I know. I figured that out after I’d walked around a while.” He smirked a little when he added, “Although your thirteen voice mail messages were helpful too.”
Seth felt his face flush. “Uh, right. So,” he gestured to the television, “Ninjas? I thought you were trying to beat The Legend of Black Kat 2.”
Ryan chuckled. “I’m kind of...off pirates right now.”
Seth looked at him blankly for a moment then burst out laughing. “Oh my God! I’d totally forgotten about that? Who the hell was that?”
“I don’t know. They were in your bed, man.”
Seth shuddered. “So, job one: buy a new bed.”
“Maybe you should just start by changing your sheets,” Ryan laughed.
“Blech.” Seth shuddered. “You know, I feel the need for another shower.” He turned to leave.
“Or you could...” Ryan darted a sideways glance at Seth, extending the controller just a fraction, “Do you want to play?”
“Yes!” Seth sat down next to Ryan. “Prepare to die.”
Twenty minutes later, Seth was looking at his controller in disbelief. “Rematch!” He declared, shoving the coffee table out of the way so he and Ryan could sit on the floor. “You always win when we sit on the couch. And give me some of that blanket.”
Thirty minutes later, Ryan tried to look innocent when he asked, “Seth, do you think the carpet is throwing you off your game?”
Seth tried to give Ryan a glare-of-doom but failed miserably, making both of them laugh. They lapsed into their first comfortable silence since the party, sitting side by side, thighs touching under the blanket as they started a third game.
Ryan laid his hand on Seth’s knee gently. “Do you..Are we okay?” He licked his lips and hoped he didn’t look as nervous as he felt.
Seth cocked his head and looked at Ryan, his expression serious. He leaned over to brush a light kiss on Ryan’s mouth, their lips barely touching. “What do you think?”
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
That was the problem. Ryan didn’t know what to think anymore. He shook his head. Looking at pictures of Seth was not making this any easier. So forget about the pictures for right now. How about the desk? There lot’s of stuff to pack in here. Ryan pulled all the files out of his lower drawer and shoved them into a box randomly, making no attempt to keep them in order. See, that’s not so hard. Okay, next drawer. He opened the center drawer and stopped when his eyes fell on the small green box. He picked it up and took the lid off slowly, staring inside.