Daily Randomness #4: Forever Adolescent
So right now I'm annoyed by the company you keep. It's been kind of awkward lately playing 14. I'll be in one mumble with a group of people, then Treu/Mya will ask them to leave me there and go to Meibatsu mumble, and well.. they do, so yeah. I don't know why they don't just go in to JP mumble since that's where everyone already is. They have me muted, so I don't know what difference my being there makes to them. It's like they just want to play the game of choose her or us, or try to make me feel excluded or something. I did used to think they did shit like that with you on purpose. Like, invite you to things but always leave me out, just to separate us and troll me. It's also awkward how people from this static will keep suggesting they invite treu, but then be like, oh, well he wont come cuz may is here. Absolutely ridiculous. If anything, -I- should be the one refusing to be exposed to that kind of faggotry, but whatever.
I tried to warn you in game the other day that I'd be showing up at your place eventually once I had enough money saved. Idk if you saw it. You seemed afk forever. Maybe I'll talk myself out of it at some point. I've been filled with mostly negative thoughts recently. Even though I'm hopeful, it's hard to be anything but negative after what happened during/after my trip there. I don't know what I'm fighting for, what I'm hoping for. Sure, in my best case scenario I show up there, jump in to your arms and kiss you, it leads to some sort of passionate sex. But then what? You just go right back to ignoring me for someone else? You go back to treating me like I'm worthless and don't deserve to have a say in anything or your time/attention? I don't want you with the way you treat me right now. I want you to want me and make me feel wanted. I want you to not be ashamed of wanting me. I want you to feel lucky you have me in your life, like I felt lucky I had you in mine.
I think I could hold off on being with you that way till you learn how to treat me or not be so selfish or you just get over whatever your problem is. Maybe you still have some growing up to do, or idk. I'd like to have you in my life still as a friend though. Ofc I'd have feelings for you till you're ready to be a man. I wouldn't want you to be with anyone else because if you can treat someone else right or try to be good for someone else, why can't you do that for me? Yeah, I'm pretty sure you'd fail with anyone else if you went in to a new relationship and treated anyone else the way you treated me. But I know it wont be that way at first. Unless you really are just that selfish now. There will be the honeymoon phase for a while, and by the time that blows over, maybe you'll have grown in to the man I need you to be. But it'll be too late for me then, cuz you'll already be with someone else.
I love you and do want to be with you so much, but not like this. I don't want to be unhappy while with you cuz you make me feel alone. I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to speak up when you do fucked up shit that would hurt or bother anyone. I don't want to feel oppressed. I don't want to be your slave. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I want to be equals. I want us to respect eachother and value eachother. I want us to be proud we're in eachothers lives. Amongst other things..
So yeah... I don't know what I'm doing or planning or whatever the fuck. I guess I'm thinking/planning impulsively. I'm mostly going off what my heart wants and not paying much attention to my brain. I don't want to keep being hurt by you. I'm not sure if you're capable of better anymore. Idk if this is just us and we'll forever be in this rut because this is how you're used to treating me. I'm pretty sure the only thing that can possibly fix that is time and space from me so you'll eventually miss me and know what you've lost/gave up. But I'm so scared that I'll just lose you to someone else and I won't get the chance of you realzing anything and coming back to me one day.
Anyways, gonna stop writing for now I guess. I'm still not tired yet and really wish I was. I don't want to think anymore. I was planning on trying to date, but I don't think it'd be right or fair since I'm just planning on going to see you. I plan on keeping myself busy with work, maybe even two jobs. So maybe I wont have time to think about wanting to feel like I'm not worthless to anyone. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life if this plan doesn't work out, so I really hope it does.
I tried to warn you in game the other day that I'd be showing up at your place eventually once I had enough money saved. Idk if you saw it. You seemed afk forever. Maybe I'll talk myself out of it at some point. I've been filled with mostly negative thoughts recently. Even though I'm hopeful, it's hard to be anything but negative after what happened during/after my trip there. I don't know what I'm fighting for, what I'm hoping for. Sure, in my best case scenario I show up there, jump in to your arms and kiss you, it leads to some sort of passionate sex. But then what? You just go right back to ignoring me for someone else? You go back to treating me like I'm worthless and don't deserve to have a say in anything or your time/attention? I don't want you with the way you treat me right now. I want you to want me and make me feel wanted. I want you to not be ashamed of wanting me. I want you to feel lucky you have me in your life, like I felt lucky I had you in mine.
I think I could hold off on being with you that way till you learn how to treat me or not be so selfish or you just get over whatever your problem is. Maybe you still have some growing up to do, or idk. I'd like to have you in my life still as a friend though. Ofc I'd have feelings for you till you're ready to be a man. I wouldn't want you to be with anyone else because if you can treat someone else right or try to be good for someone else, why can't you do that for me? Yeah, I'm pretty sure you'd fail with anyone else if you went in to a new relationship and treated anyone else the way you treated me. But I know it wont be that way at first. Unless you really are just that selfish now. There will be the honeymoon phase for a while, and by the time that blows over, maybe you'll have grown in to the man I need you to be. But it'll be too late for me then, cuz you'll already be with someone else.
I love you and do want to be with you so much, but not like this. I don't want to be unhappy while with you cuz you make me feel alone. I don't want to feel like I'm not allowed to speak up when you do fucked up shit that would hurt or bother anyone. I don't want to feel oppressed. I don't want to be your slave. I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I want to be equals. I want us to respect eachother and value eachother. I want us to be proud we're in eachothers lives. Amongst other things..
So yeah... I don't know what I'm doing or planning or whatever the fuck. I guess I'm thinking/planning impulsively. I'm mostly going off what my heart wants and not paying much attention to my brain. I don't want to keep being hurt by you. I'm not sure if you're capable of better anymore. Idk if this is just us and we'll forever be in this rut because this is how you're used to treating me. I'm pretty sure the only thing that can possibly fix that is time and space from me so you'll eventually miss me and know what you've lost/gave up. But I'm so scared that I'll just lose you to someone else and I won't get the chance of you realzing anything and coming back to me one day.
Anyways, gonna stop writing for now I guess. I'm still not tired yet and really wish I was. I don't want to think anymore. I was planning on trying to date, but I don't think it'd be right or fair since I'm just planning on going to see you. I plan on keeping myself busy with work, maybe even two jobs. So maybe I wont have time to think about wanting to feel like I'm not worthless to anyone. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life if this plan doesn't work out, so I really hope it does.