The Round Ring Of Doom PART T`WO
Title: The Round Ring of Doom
Author: Pain au Chocolat
Language: English.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters used in this fiction. Everything belongs to Akira Amano and the original plot of LotR belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien.
Rating & Warnings: R for Retarded. AU, OOC, gayness, x-over, parody, lime, grammar and spelling abuse, no sense whatsoever… KHR. Characters are OOC - I’m saying this again just in case someone missed it. This is parody and will most probably ruin the LotR for you.
Summary: It’s a KHR-fied LotR parody. Read if you can
Pairing: Squalo x Tsuna, a bit of manyTsuna
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awada Tsunayoshi woke up feeling extremely disoriented. It took him a few moments to realize several facts, some more alarming than the others.
Firstly, he was on a warm, comfortable bed in a beautiful room. Secondly, Mukuro was there, and Tsunayoshi had the feeling that the wizard had spent at least the few last hours watching him sleep. Creepy didn’t even begin.
“What are you doing here?” Tsunayoshi asked, wishing for some sort of pointy object he could aim towards the twinkling mismatched eyes and the lecherous grin.
“I was watching over you,” Mukuro claimed. “You’re such a beautiful sight when you’re asleep, my dear~”
“Hey… there’s something I want for you to explain.”
“Ask away, my love~”
“Cease and desist and be serious for once.”
“Aright <3.“
“The Black Riders… the one who stabbed me… can you guess who it was?” Tsunayoshi asked, and the sudden look in Mukuro’s eyes and something else in his general expression told the brunet much about how the wizard wouldn’t have to guess to know.
“Uh… so… well, that explains the symptoms!” Mukuro exclaimed with fake happiness, making his crush even more alarmed.
“Symptoms?”
“Well… uh… let’s just say that for a few days your masculine parts sort of turned into much more feminine ones.”
“… Common folk language?”
“You temporarily turned into a girl, my dear. I suppose that was only expected considering who your attacker was - Nana really never got over the fact that you father didn’t let her dress you up prettily. Actually, I would love to see you in a dress any time.”
“I didn’t want to hear that,” Tsunayoshi grumbled, sitting up on the bed. “I’ll try to forget the past two minutes. Where am I and where are the others?”
“You’re in Rivendell, and the others are here too.”
“Are they alright?”
“I’m sorry to say so, but yes.”
“I see. So can I ditch the ring here and go back home now?”
“So soon? Your father is here and I’m sure you’d love to meet him,” Mukuro said, and Tsunayoshi nodded.
“Oh yeah. Please hand me that set on knives there and tell me where I can find him.”
“Aw, why so violent?” the wizard asked, but held his hands up in a sign of surrender after receiving a glare from the brunet. “Your father is in the garden.”
“I see.” Tsunayoshi left the room, took several dozen steps to a random direction and got lost, till his Intuition defied logic and everything reasonable and led the boy to his father. Sawada Iemitsu was enjoying the attention of a bunch of people who, to be honest here, had nothing better to do. One of them was Gokudera, who could sense his beloved approaching and was thus fully prepared to hug the brunet.
“TENTH!” he howled, but fell on the ground after getting an unfortunate kick on his face. Tsunayoshi continued his way towards his father who was feeling the need to be elsewhere again.
“Son,” Iemitsu exclaimed, moving to get as many people as possible between him and his offspring. “Looking effeminate today, huh?”
“That’s true,” Lambo muttered, looking at Tsunayoshi. “Your lashes weren’t that long bef- augh!”
“It might be because of the poison in the sword,” Yamamoto pointed out. “While they did manage to transform him back, the poison couldn’t have been extracted completely and has most probably left some traces.”
“I,” Tsunayoshi snarled in an uncharacteristic bout of anger. “Do not look different.”
“You look radiant, Tenth!” Gokudera assured him, scrambling up. “You look lovely.”
“Hey!” Mukuro, who had followed the brunet, snapped. “That’s my line! Besides, my Tsunayoshi looks always lovely. He was born lovely and he has been lovely ever since-“
“Enough!” Tsunayoshi snapped, and shook his head. “Alright. We brought the ring here. Can I kill my father and go back?”
“No,” Iemitsu replied, suddenly serious. “You see, there’s more to this than what meets the eye.”
“The ring isn’t with me anymore and is not my problem.”
“Someone will make it your problem,” Mukuro said wisely. “Just you wait and see, my dear. But now you lot need to get cleaned up and prepared for the party.”
“Party?” Lambo grinned. “What party? Will there be food?”
“It wouldn’t be a party without food.”
“I’m not a party-person,” Tsunayoshi stated. “I’ll just go back to Namim-“
“REJECTED! You’re coming.”
“No I’m no-“
“You’re coming, or going home alone. If you do go home alone, Nana will find you, and then you’ll lose any masculinity you might have had at some point, my dear son.”
Hot damn. Tsunayoshi hated his father when he was right.
is brown eyes scanned the area, seeing more faces that he’d ever be able to remember. Party. All troubles started from parties, especially if said parties included Sawada Iemitsu, alcoholic beverages and onions. Someone should really tell his father that shoving onions up one’s nose wasn’t a healthy - or remotely respectable or dignified - activity.
“Tsunayoshi,” Mukuro’s voice caught his attention, and the brunet turned - if only to avoid reaching, groping pair of hands. This time, however, the wizard had an unfamiliar elf with him. “This is the Lord of Rivendell, Bianchi’s father, Timoteo.”
“Nice to meet you,” Tsunayoshi muttered, attempting some sort of a bow. The old man smiled kindly, and reached to grasp the brunet’s hand.
“I am eternally grateful to you for getting the ring here safely,” Timoteo said. “Thank you, young man.”
“Uh… I did nothing a friend wouldn’t do,” the unwilling hero responded reluctantly. “I mean, I was glad to help.”
“Good, good. I’m really happy to hear that,” Timoteo said with a spark in his eyes. Tsunayoshi felt as if he had just volunteered himself for a public execution, and decided to go and see someone who’s worse off than him. Or maybe just check up on his friends. He could see Lambo and Yamamoto eating with some elves.
"So are you telling me that bacon isn't a vegetable?" Lambo was asking an Elven lady who nodded with a slightly lost expression.
"No... no, it's not."
"Damn, this vegetarian thing is gonna be harder than I thought!"
“I don’t think that you’re going to succeed with it,” Yamamoto laughed, eating a quivering orange thing that Tsuna wasn’t sure how to identify. Was it alive? No, it couldn’t be. So was it, perhaps, made of-
Okay, mind, stop right there. There’s a limit to how gross thoughts can be.
“Tenth,” Gokudera’s voice was the only warning Tsunayoshi got before his slave/friend wrapped his arm around the brunet’s shoulder. “The dwarfs have magic drinks!”
“It’s called alcohol and it’s positively magical only for a short time. Then it becomes something else that stinks much worse.”
“Huh?”
“Nothing. How about doing something more… creative?”
“Oh,” Gokudera gasped, eyes widening and a slight blush appearing on his face. “Y-you don’t mean…?”
“No, I probably do not mean what you’re thinking right now,” Tsunayoshi said sternly. “I’ll go and have a walk. Admire the stars, or something.”
Admiring the stars was something Tsunayoshi rarely did. Actually, this was the first time. And considering the bad luck that action spawned, it was also the last time too. Mainly the reason was as follows:
tsuna: whazzup?
stars: lol whut. we’re twinkling here, yo.
tsuna: u see how my life sucks?
stars: hell yeah, it’s fun to watch. U dun get much entertainment up here, u know. Gay boy.
tsuna: … wtf?
stars: gay boy.
tsuna: … stfu…
stars: loooool
***user tsuna has logged out***
Sawada Tsunayoshi used international, expressive and rather rude hand gestures to show how much he appreciated the stars, and then went to sleep.
or a reason even Tsunayoshi wasn’t quite sure of, he was dragged few days later to something that Iemitsu called Great Council. Much to the brunet’s dismay, Strider made an appearance as soon as Iemitsu left his side, which didn’t give him a chance to escape at all.
“How have you been?” Strider asked in a voice that didn’t need answers. “Well, I see? Good. You’ll need that health of yours, Loser-Tsuna.”
“Where did you leave Bianchi?” The brunet, who was quick to learn which buttons he could push, asked. Strider’s grip on his shoulder became tighter, and it hurt.
“Do you want to die?” the man asked in a low tone that left the younger one with no illusions about his age and life expectations would he dare to ever remind Strider - or well, Reborn - about Bianchi. “Go and sit down, the meeting will start soon.” Tsunayoshi did as told, and sat down to observe the scene. It was pretty crowded, what with the people of all shapes and sizes. Well, not really. Hobbits, dwarves and elves were pretty much now just titles - it was really hard to distinguish between the races. Dwarves were a bit sturdier, louder and had an eternal fighting spirit, elves liked to point sharp things and giggle madly, hobbits liked to eat, and humans were humans.
“Strangers of distant lands,” Timoteo started. “Friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.”
‘Shiiiit,’ Tsunayoshi thought, eyes starting to look for an emergency escape route. Reborn’s iron grip around the brunet’s elbow hindered him greatly, much to his sorrow.
“Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You’ll unite, or you’ll fall.” Tsunayoshi marvelled at the quality of the grim silence that overtook the people in the council. A certain elf with long, silver hair looked more constipated than worried, however, which made our young hero slightly worried - even he knew that vomiting during events like this was Highly Improper. Had this guy drunk as much as Gokudera few days ago or something?
“Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.”
‘Shishishi,’ an unfortunately familiar voice by now laughed inside Tsunayoshi’s mind. ‘It’s all thanks to me! ME!’
“Bring forth the ring, Tsunayoshi,” Timoteo ordered, and the brunet was more than happy to comply. He set the ring onto the table in the middle and moved back to his seat.
“So it’s true,” a raven-haired man with sharp, narrow eyes muttered. “In a dream, I saw the eastern sky grow dark…” At this point Tsunayoshi stopped listening and focused on somehow trying to ignore the sorrowful whimpers of the Evil Ring.
‘Tsunayoshiiii… what sort of princess leaves his prince like thiiiis? Shishishi… stop playing hard-to-get, my deaaar… we’re destined to be together <3’
“It’s a creepy thing,” the brunet muttered, and Reborn nodded absently, his eyes fixed on the ring like those of many others. Suddenly Mukuro stood up, and said words Tsunayoshi had never heard before. Cold wind blew, sky darkened for a while, and somehow Tsunayoshi’s Intuition was smirking, shrugging and muttering about how Mukuro couldn’t stand to have anything - even a ring - get Tsunayoshi’s undivided attention.
“Never before has any voice uttered the words of that language here in Imladris.”
“I do not ask your pardon, Lord of Rivendell,” Mukuro replied. “For the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West. The Ring is altogether evil.”
“For once, we agree,” Tsunayoshi muttered quietly.
“The ring is Evil,” the dark-haired man who had first risen to inspect the ring spoke. “But why not use that Evil? Give my people - give Gondor - the weapon of the enemy and we’ll kill them with it.”
“You cannot wield it,” Reborn retorted immediately. “None of us can. The One Ring answers to Byakuran alone. It has no other master.”
‘I’m not particularly fond of him, actually,’ the Ring confessed to Tsunayoshi. ‘This prince has no master. But if you wish, my precious, you can use me every night…’
“And what would a Ranger know of this matter?” the man sneered.
“VOOOI! This is no mere ranger,” the silver-haired elf yelled, almost startling Tsunayoshi from his seat. “He’s Reborn. An Arcobaleno. Which makes him some sort of King out there. The King, I suppose.” That information made the Ring tell Tsunayoshi numerous bad puns about Kings and Royal Bastards.
“Son of Arathorn,” Reborn said nonchalantly with a shrug. “You owe me your allegiance. One way or another, Hibari. The most pressing one would be me being the heir to the throne of Gondor.”
“Gondor has no king,” Hibari snapped.
“Well, fine. Leading Prefect, or something like that.”
“Gondor needs no king.”
“At any case,” Mukuro, who missed hearing his own voice again, said. “We cannot use the ring.”
“You have only one choice,” Timoteo spoke. “The Ring must be destroyed.”
‘What!? No! I’m just a poor little riiiiiing~ Shishishishi…’
“What are we waiting for, then?” a man with a wide grin exclaimed, lifting his axe, hitting the ring yet not harming it. The following explosion threw the fool few feet away making him meet the ground quickly. “So… Extreme,” he wheezed.
“The Ring cannot be destroyed like that, Sasagawa Ryohei, by any craft we possess,” Timoteo said gently. “The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor, and cast back into the fiery chasm from where it came. One of you-” his eyes met Tsunayoshi’s, who paled, and turned to stare at the crack on the floor hastily. “- must do this.”
“One does not simply walk into Mordor,” Hibari stated coldly. “Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs.”
‘I think Orcs would be bad enough,’ Tsunayoshi thought, starting to mentally prepare for the journey to go back home.
“The evil there does not sleep,” some other man agreed quietly. “The Great Eye is ever-watchful.”
“It’s a barren wasteland,” another muttered. “Riddled with fire, and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. This is impossible even with 10 000 men.”
“Have you heard nothing Lord Timoteo has said?” the silver-haired elf snapped. “The Ring must be destroyed.”
“And I suppose you think you’re the one to do it?” Sasagawa Ryohei asked loudly.
“If we fail, what then?” someone asked. “What happens when Byakuran takes back what’s his?”
‘Not his, not hiiiis~ But I could be yours, Tsunayoshi~’ the Ring whispered to Tsunayoshi, who wished that it would go and annoy someone else. Someone who’d actually want it.
“I’ll be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf!” one of the dwarves declared.
“Cha-ching,” Tsunayoshi muttered, leaning back as the elves stood up, a sword-waving maniac being the most enthusiastic in the crowd. “Great. Fight. So why won’t you just off each other and save this Byakuran-guy the trouble?” Perhaps he had said the words louder than he intended, but fact was the everyone heard them, and silence reigned one again. Iemitsu gave his son a proud smile, and the said son just wished for his father to keel over and become dust.
“Well done,” Timoteo said suddenly, with an immensely relieved expression. “Thank you for volunteering, Tsunayoshi.”
“What the…? Vol- volunteering?”
“My son,” Iemitsu all but cried. “You’re braver than what I thought… Willing to take this ring to Mordor.”
“Wait! Who said anything about-“
“Your mother would be so proud.”
“You’re not sending your only son to his doom! And I very much doubt that mom would be-“
“I’m so happy!” Iemitsu cried.
“DON’T BE!” Tsunayoshi howled. “I don’t even know the way!”
“I’ll help you!” Mukuro all but beamed. “We’ll carry this burden together, through the good and the bad times, only death will do us apa-“
“If by my life or my death I can protect you,” Reborn interrupted dully. “I will. You have my gun.”
“And you have my sword,” the silver-haired elf said, moving also forward towards the mentally screaming brunet.
“And you have my… fists now, since I broke my axe,” Sasagawa Ryohei exclaimed with a shining smile. “It will be EXTREME!”
“Such herbivore carrying the fates of us all,” Hibari muttered, standing up. “If this is meant to happen… then I will see it done.”
“WAIT!” a new voice yelled, and Gokudera scrambled from the bushes. “Tenth isn’t going anywhere without me!”
“We’re coming too!” Lambo and Yamamoto declared, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.
“Anyway, you need people with intelligence to succeed in this sort of… mission,” Lambo stated seriously. “Quest. Thing.”
“Nine companions,” Timoteo said softly, managing to ignore the clearly panicking expression of Sawada Tsunayoshi. “So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.”
“Great,” Lambo nodded approvingly. “Where are we going?”
‘Someone take me away,’ Tsunayoshi silently wished.
‘We can elope~ Shishishi…’
With a grim expression Sawada Tsunayoshi vowed to get the ring destroyed, no matter the price.
stars: hahahahahahaha
tsuna: STFU
hen did he agree to this again? Never! He never agreed to this! So why did it happen? Having Sawada Iemitsu for a father was a curse worse than all other curses!
“I see from your unhappy face that you’re feeling the Ring’s burden,” Mukuro said, reverting to inappropriate shoulder grabbing that made Tsunayoshi desperately wish for a cliff from where he could jump.
“It’s a burden alright,” he replied. “Even more so than this snow.”
“Oh yes. Say… your father gave you something when we left Rivendell?”
“A shirt of dwarf mail that was too small for him. And his sword, Sti-“
“Oh yes… the sword! Severe Traumatic Incident Near Groin, if I remember correctly.”
“STING, Mukuro. The sword will be called Sting when I’m using it.”
“If you insist.”
“Also, say, but does this mountain hate us? The storms are just growing stronger and-“
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just a mountain,” Lambo interrupted.
“The Misty Mountains are more than that,” Reborn said. “It’s among other things, a Spiteful Pile of Rocks.”
“We have to turn back,” the sword-wielding elf - whom Tsunayoshi knew now to be called Superbi Squalo - said. “The majority will freeze to death if we continue this way.”
“But we can’t turn back,” Lambo exclaimed.
“He’s right. The only other way is to go through the mines of Moria-“ Reborn said.
“I don’t know this Moria thing,” Lambo interrupted. “But I want to see the polar bears!”
“Ouch,” Mukuro muttered, watching how Reborn kicked Lambo a few times, before lifting him up from his legs and throwing him down the hill.
“Why did we bring that thing again?” Gokudera asked.
“We didn’t,” Tsunayoshi replied quietly. “It followed us on its own.”
“We’ll go through the mines of Moria,” Reborn declared, and the others profoundly ignored the jiggly dance of victory Sasagawa Ryohei performed. The dwarf was still grinning madly by the time they were standing in front of what resembled a wall of stone.
“So hidden, the entrances are, that no other but who knows of them can find them,” Ryohei said. “That’s EXTREME hiding, you know!”
“As long as you can find them quickly, we’ll be happy,” Gokudera snapped. Tsunayoshi was about to say something too, when his Intuition rang the doorbell as asked to take a look at the black, suspicious lake. Mukuro was having the time of his life, lording over everyone the fact that this was his forte, his thing to open the doors, he once knew all the spells yadda yadda.
“Would you like some face-lifting salve?”
“No thanks, Lambo. This is my face, deal with it.”
“Isn’t that peanut butter or something?”
“What’s the elvish word for friend?”
“Look, there are eyes in the water staring at us.”
“I think we have to eat now something.”
“WAIT!” Mukuro’s voice boomed in the area, startling most of the poor souls with him. “Someone just said something important! Who was it and what did you say?”
“Not that you’re vague or anything, but…” Tsunayoshi started, only to shriek in panic when something dark and… solid… rose from the water.
“Who keeps an octopus in the lake?” Lambo asked.
“I don’t think that’s an octopus,” Yamamoto said.
“My Intuition says that we better get into the mines asap, plz,” Tsunayoshi added. “I mean, before anyone loses a limb or two.”
“What was the Important Qu-“
“What’s the elvish word for ‘friend’?” Tsunayoshi snapped impatiently. Mukuro tried it, and the doors opened. Then the much delighted wizard turned to make kissy-faces at his crush, who shuddered and took a step back…
…only to get grabbed by The Octopus.
“It’s a pity that Skull isn’t here,” Reborn muttered. “He’d solve this with words.”
“TEEEENTH!”
“That’s EXTREME ATTENTION SEEKING, SAWADA!”
“Hm. So the herbivore enjoys this sort of things…”
“GWAAAAHHH!”
“It seems I have to be the one to do it,” Squalo muttered, prepared his sword and attacked. In a watery environment Sharks beat the crap out of Octopuses, and this time was no exception. The elf all but carried the crying, cursing Tsunayoshi into the mines and set him down only after the doors closed.
And maybe, when he was holding Tsunayoshi, some little voice in Squalo’s subconscious started to notice what exactly Mukuro liked about the brunet’s body.
“We’re stuck here. Great.”
“Don’t worry,” Ryohei assured them. “Dwarves of Moria are-“
“Dead, mostly,” Mukuro stated, lifting a skull. “And have been for some time by the looks of it.”
“Ooh, dangerous,” Lambo stated in a desperate effort to prove that he wasn’t as dumb as his outfit.
“Welcome to last week, moron,” Gokudera growled. “Didn’t we already establish the fact that this is dangerous?”
“I can’t believe this,” Ryohei was wheezing in shock. “This isn’t a mine… this is a tomb!”
“You can hold my hand, if you want,” Mukuro told Tsunayoshi, who gave him a disbelieving stare before moving strategically to stand between Squalo and Reborn.
“Whatever killed these might still be here,” Hibari stated, and Reborn nodded.
“Yeah, most probably. We must be careful as we advance.”
“Do we have to advance?”
“There’s no way back, pal. No way to go but forward.”
“Typical. Why is it that we always end up using these one-way-roads, huh?”
“With that clear to everyone now,” Reborn drawled. “Then let’s get going.”
iles away nine Black Riders were having a break. Xanxia had dug out several bottles full of suspicious yet presumably very intoxicating beverages and Iris was having a great time watching Queen Bitch drink them all.
“What are you doing?” I-pin asked.
“I'm going to drink until my internal organs start a revolution and leave,” the raven-haired woman snapped. “Where are those assholes!?”
“Tsu-kun thinks he can avoid me,” Nana hummed softly while braiding Kyoko’s hair. “He’s so naïve, that son of mine.
“But really cute,” Haru said dreamily. “He’s beautiful.”
“He’d make a fine girl,” Nana agreed. “Why was he born a boy?”
“Sometimes our children do things we wish they wouldn’t.”
“Yeah… I guess it’s all because his father.”
“One of my messenger birds is here,” Uni said, moving towards the other women with a bird of sorts on her arm. “Apparently they’re in Khazad-dum.”
“You’re fucking shitting us,” Xanxia spat. “That’s suicidal!”
“I bet it’s Reborn’s fault,” Hana muttered spitefully.
“Or Mukuro’s,” Chrome sighed dully. “Actually I’d say it’s definitely Mukuro’s fault somehow. Most things are.”
“So, what are we going to do?” Kyoko asked.
“I suppose we have to stay some steps ahead,” Hana said. “Where would they be heading to, from the mines?”
“The elves again,” I-pin said immediately. “The elves of Lothlórien.”
“How about we welcome them before the elves do?”
“Do we know which road they’ll take?”
“Oh,” Nana smiled dreamily. “Don’t worry. I can track my son down, alright.”
n the morning of the third day - not that they really knew that it was a morning, what with being stuck underground and all - they reached something Ryohei ended up calling Balin’s tomb. From there they also found a book Mukuro was very interested in reading aloud.
Tsunayoshi was going crazy with paranoia.
“Someone is following us,” he whispered to Gokudera who nodded.
“If you say so, Tenth.”
“Don’t you ‘ifyousayso’ -me, Gokudera Hayato! Listen! There are footsteps! Can’t you hear them?”
“Yes, Tenth.”
“Now uncross your fingers and be honest. Can you?”
“…no, Tenth.” At this Tsunayoshi slapped his forehead and turned to see Squalo standing behind them, with an unreadable expression on his face. The elf was tall - as tall as Reborn - which made him about a head taller than Tsunayoshi who had never grown to be as tall as his father… apparently he took more after his mother. Unfortunately not enough, what with Nana’s ambitions about changing his gender as well.
“I know where we are now,” Mukuro said after reading the Chronicles for a while. “Now we have a snowball’s chance in hell to get out.” He had barely finished when Tsunayoshi’s Intuition sent a SOS message.
“Danger approaching,” the brunet stated monotonously, and Hibari moved towards the doors to listen.
“Orcs,” he said.
“And a troll,” Squalo added with a feral grin. “Good. I was getting bored.”
“Aren’t elves supposed to be creatures of harmony and peace and love?”
“The hell? You think we’re hippies or something?”
“No,” Lambo muttered. “Not hippies at all. But you do have a long hair.”
“VOOOI!!”
“They’re here!” Yamamoto exclaimed. “The Orcs are approaching us!”
“Let them come,” Reborn said grimly. “Let them walk to their doom.” The battle wasn’t a good one. The chamber was too small for any grand acts, the orcs kept increasing and the gigantic troll just wasn’t a good thing. Whether it was a conscious course of action or not, Squalo didn’t know, but he stuck close to Tsunayoshi and might have focused on protecting the brunet more so than the others.
Yet, he couldn’t do anything when the troll threw Tsunayoshi against a wall and stabbed him. At that moment it seemed as if everything stopped in silence. The agonized expression on the young brunet’s face was that of a dying man.
“A-aaugh,” Tsunayoshi croaked with unfocused eyes. “Aaaaugh.”
“TENTH!” Gokudera shrieked.
“TSUNAYOSHI!” Mukuro screamed, watching the boy he obsessed over slide down the wall and fall on his face. “NNOOOO!”
“Shit,” Reborn muttered, feeling suddenly rather upset. “He’s alive, right?”
“Alive after that? You think!?” Squalo growled, before turning towards the troll. “VOOOOOIII!! I’ll fucking kill you!”
“Tsunayoshiiii,” Mukuro sobbed, lifting up the brunet’s body.
“Oooh,” the should-be-dead brunet groaned. “These bruises will take forever to vanish.”
“…”
“…”
“You’re alive!?” Lambo gasped, wiping away some stray tears of mysterious origins. “HOW?”
“My Intuition told me to steal my father’s funky shirt,” Tsunayoshi said, lifting his wool shirt a little, revealing something vaguely recognizable as Mithril. “It’s shiny.”
“Let’s talk about Loser-Tsuna’s underwear some other time. If he’s fine then start moving! We need to get out of here!” Reborn ordered loudly. “Move towards the door!”
“Easier said than done!” Lambo shrieked back. Unlike him, Yamamoto wasn’t having any trouble with dicing and slicing his enemies.
“He’s a natural-born killer,” Reborn muttered, but wasn’t so sure about that after Yamamoto grinned widely, without a trace of worry in him. “Or maybe a natural-born airhead.”
“The latter,” Mukuro stated. “Definitely the latter.” After a while they managed by some miracle to exit the chamber, and the wizard attempted to lock the door with a spell… but it didn’t work.
“What’s wrong?”
“A counter-spell of an unknown origin. But it’s alright - even if I don’t lock the door, the chamber will collapse under this pressure. And now, to the bridge of Khazad-dum!”
“Lead the way.”
“You know,” Lambo was huffing as they ran. “I always wondered why big bosses have to revert to wars instead of solving their differences in a civilized manner.”
“With a chess game or something?” Gokudera sneered. “Get real!”
“Maybe an embroidery contest,” Lambo told him. “It’s challenging.”
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response,” the silver-haired boy grunted, and ran into Ryohei who had stopped for some reason.
“It can’t get any worse,” Reborn stated calmly, watching the flaming thing approaching them.
“Aaahahaha~” the thing all but sang. “Such fine bodies~ Oh yeees~”
“It’s a Balrog,” Mukuro hissed. “This enemy goes beyond our powers. We have to flee!”
“This isn’t any Balrog,” Reborn muttered, being for some reason the first one running away regardless of his usual bravery. “That’s Lussuria. He’s that Balrog.”
“What? Which Balrog?”
“The gay one!”
hey had survived the mines of Moria, if surviving didn’t mind losing Mukuro. Tsunayoshi felt sort of dazed - sure, he hadn’t particularly admired Mukuro for his personality, but to know that he was dead…
“He was the finest man of his generation.”
“Well, we don’t speak ill of the dead but that was a lie.”
“We’ll never forget him.”
“He was too traumatic to be forgotten.”
“Rest in peace, Rokudo Mukuro, the Grey Wizard.”
“Even though we never saw you dressed in anything grey.” Mukuro was notable for having that slight fancy towards the colour green, especially with purple dots.
“We have to hurry,” Reborn stated, startling the remotely mourning hobbits from their sorrow. “Soon this place will be crowded with orcs.”
“Stand up and get going, herbivores,” Hibari ordered. “We don’t have time to waste.”
“The forest of Lórien is near,” Squalo stated. “We can reach it before the sunset. Let’s get going!”
“Let us mourn for him a little!” Lambo wailed.
“There’s nothing to mourn about,” Reborn deadpanned, and the Fellowship started moving again. “We have to reach the forest of Lórien and cross the river Nimrodel. Then all of you will start playing mute and let me get us to temporary safety.”
“The Black Riders will be waiting somewhere near,” Squalo stated. “We have to be careful if we want to avoid a fight.”
“What do you mean if!?” Tsunayoshi asked. “We don’t want to have a fight. My mom is with them. And… and she wants to…to…”
“To turn you into a female,” Reborn finished for him with a smirk and a nod. “Nana was always rather stubborn about what she wanted. If she wants for you to be a female, well… I suggest getting used to the idea.”
“I’m a male,” Tsunayoshi hissed with a glared. “A male. And nothing can change that fact!”
“Nana can.”
“Don’t worry, Tenth,” Gokudera said. “You’d look good in a dress.”
“ARGH!”
With much amusement Squalo was watching the brunet who had now a rather pained expression. The elf didn’t know why, but he was quite fascinated by the little boy. It had something to do with that dry sense of humour, the desperate undertones and the somewhat fragile appearance of the Ring Bearer. Not to mention the utter… how to say it…objection to the world. Yes, if the words “I Refuse” had a human body, it would be a lot like the body of one Sawada Tsunayoshi. And that’s something Squalo found really interesting.
“Tenth, how are you feeling?” Gokudera was asking.
“Like I could burn inside out from regret, why?” was Tsunayoshi’s bitter response.
“Why?” Ryohei asked suddenly. “You’re a HERO TO THE EXTREME!”
“He hasn’t done anything yet,” Reborn muttered. “If we don’t count the temporary gender change, he is yet to do something someone else before him hasn’t done.”
“Some things aren’t worth dying for,” Tsunayoshi grunted. “This is one of them. I’ll die doing this.”
“But,” Yamamoto asked with slight confusion. “If you don’t do it, then you and everybody else will die too.”
“Good,” the brunet said with a nod. “Better take you all with me.”
“Ahahaha, I didn’t know you had such great sense of humour,” Yamamoto laughed loudly.
“Don’t worry Tenth,” Gokudera exclaimed. “I’d gladly follow you to death and back!”
“There would be no coming back.”
“Then we can go together. We could have a new fresh start and-“
“Nihihihi, Octopus-head is blushing,” Lambo mocked, managing to catch the silver-haired boy’s attention, and end up being his punching bag. Tsunayoshi rubbed the side of his head and sighed tiredly. All he wanted to do right now was to… retire and live a quite hermit-life in some cottage in a forest that wasn’t marked on maps.
“I hope you won’t be seeing nightmares because of Mukuro’s death,” Ryohei suddenly said to Tsunayoshi, in an oddly subdued manner. “He said you two were close.”
“He’s a big fat liar and is probably burning in hell right now,” Tsunayoshi replied evenly. “We were not close. He was… he was… uh… a… well, not a friend exactly but, you know, the sort of person you don’t want to know, but since you do know, you just deal with it.”
“Herbivores,” Hibari’s cold voice interrupted the two. “Be prepared - we’ll be going down the mountainsides. Don’t look down, or you’ll die. Don’t let go, or you’ll die. Don’t speak, or you’ll die. And you,” the man then added, looking at Tsunayoshi. “Don’t drop the ring, or I’ll bite you to death.”
“It’s not that much of a hard task to walk down the mountainside,” Squalo said, silver eyes glancing first at Hibari, then at the young brunet in front of him. “There are no cliffs here and walking towards our destination should be easy.”
“For us maybe,” Hibari agreed. “But for these herbivores? You shouldn’t overestimate them.”
“What was that, you bastard?” Gokudera growled, dynamites suddenly appearing.
“Stop. Both of you,” Reborn snarled. “Come on. See those ponds? Walk through them.”
“What? Will it get them off our track?” Lambo asked.
“No. But maybe you’ll manage to drown in one.”
_____________________________________________________________________
A/N: And this would be the second part… Third part will hopefully be posted soon.
Part 1
Part 3
Author: Pain au Chocolat
Language: English.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters used in this fiction. Everything belongs to Akira Amano and the original plot of LotR belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien.
Rating & Warnings: R for Retarded. AU, OOC, gayness, x-over, parody, lime, grammar and spelling abuse, no sense whatsoever… KHR. Characters are OOC - I’m saying this again just in case someone missed it. This is parody and will most probably ruin the LotR for you.
Summary: It’s a KHR-fied LotR parody. Read if you can
Pairing: Squalo x Tsuna, a bit of manyTsuna
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
awada Tsunayoshi woke up feeling extremely disoriented. It took him a few moments to realize several facts, some more alarming than the others.
Firstly, he was on a warm, comfortable bed in a beautiful room. Secondly, Mukuro was there, and Tsunayoshi had the feeling that the wizard had spent at least the few last hours watching him sleep. Creepy didn’t even begin.
“What are you doing here?” Tsunayoshi asked, wishing for some sort of pointy object he could aim towards the twinkling mismatched eyes and the lecherous grin.
“I was watching over you,” Mukuro claimed. “You’re such a beautiful sight when you’re asleep, my dear~”
“Hey… there’s something I want for you to explain.”
“Ask away, my love~”
“Cease and desist and be serious for once.”
“Aright <3.“
“The Black Riders… the one who stabbed me… can you guess who it was?” Tsunayoshi asked, and the sudden look in Mukuro’s eyes and something else in his general expression told the brunet much about how the wizard wouldn’t have to guess to know.
“Uh… so… well, that explains the symptoms!” Mukuro exclaimed with fake happiness, making his crush even more alarmed.
“Symptoms?”
“Well… uh… let’s just say that for a few days your masculine parts sort of turned into much more feminine ones.”
“… Common folk language?”
“You temporarily turned into a girl, my dear. I suppose that was only expected considering who your attacker was - Nana really never got over the fact that you father didn’t let her dress you up prettily. Actually, I would love to see you in a dress any time.”
“I didn’t want to hear that,” Tsunayoshi grumbled, sitting up on the bed. “I’ll try to forget the past two minutes. Where am I and where are the others?”
“You’re in Rivendell, and the others are here too.”
“Are they alright?”
“I’m sorry to say so, but yes.”
“I see. So can I ditch the ring here and go back home now?”
“So soon? Your father is here and I’m sure you’d love to meet him,” Mukuro said, and Tsunayoshi nodded.
“Oh yeah. Please hand me that set on knives there and tell me where I can find him.”
“Aw, why so violent?” the wizard asked, but held his hands up in a sign of surrender after receiving a glare from the brunet. “Your father is in the garden.”
“I see.” Tsunayoshi left the room, took several dozen steps to a random direction and got lost, till his Intuition defied logic and everything reasonable and led the boy to his father. Sawada Iemitsu was enjoying the attention of a bunch of people who, to be honest here, had nothing better to do. One of them was Gokudera, who could sense his beloved approaching and was thus fully prepared to hug the brunet.
“TENTH!” he howled, but fell on the ground after getting an unfortunate kick on his face. Tsunayoshi continued his way towards his father who was feeling the need to be elsewhere again.
“Son,” Iemitsu exclaimed, moving to get as many people as possible between him and his offspring. “Looking effeminate today, huh?”
“That’s true,” Lambo muttered, looking at Tsunayoshi. “Your lashes weren’t that long bef- augh!”
“It might be because of the poison in the sword,” Yamamoto pointed out. “While they did manage to transform him back, the poison couldn’t have been extracted completely and has most probably left some traces.”
“I,” Tsunayoshi snarled in an uncharacteristic bout of anger. “Do not look different.”
“You look radiant, Tenth!” Gokudera assured him, scrambling up. “You look lovely.”
“Hey!” Mukuro, who had followed the brunet, snapped. “That’s my line! Besides, my Tsunayoshi looks always lovely. He was born lovely and he has been lovely ever since-“
“Enough!” Tsunayoshi snapped, and shook his head. “Alright. We brought the ring here. Can I kill my father and go back?”
“No,” Iemitsu replied, suddenly serious. “You see, there’s more to this than what meets the eye.”
“The ring isn’t with me anymore and is not my problem.”
“Someone will make it your problem,” Mukuro said wisely. “Just you wait and see, my dear. But now you lot need to get cleaned up and prepared for the party.”
“Party?” Lambo grinned. “What party? Will there be food?”
“It wouldn’t be a party without food.”
“I’m not a party-person,” Tsunayoshi stated. “I’ll just go back to Namim-“
“REJECTED! You’re coming.”
“No I’m no-“
“You’re coming, or going home alone. If you do go home alone, Nana will find you, and then you’ll lose any masculinity you might have had at some point, my dear son.”
Hot damn. Tsunayoshi hated his father when he was right.
is brown eyes scanned the area, seeing more faces that he’d ever be able to remember. Party. All troubles started from parties, especially if said parties included Sawada Iemitsu, alcoholic beverages and onions. Someone should really tell his father that shoving onions up one’s nose wasn’t a healthy - or remotely respectable or dignified - activity.
“Tsunayoshi,” Mukuro’s voice caught his attention, and the brunet turned - if only to avoid reaching, groping pair of hands. This time, however, the wizard had an unfamiliar elf with him. “This is the Lord of Rivendell, Bianchi’s father, Timoteo.”
“Nice to meet you,” Tsunayoshi muttered, attempting some sort of a bow. The old man smiled kindly, and reached to grasp the brunet’s hand.
“I am eternally grateful to you for getting the ring here safely,” Timoteo said. “Thank you, young man.”
“Uh… I did nothing a friend wouldn’t do,” the unwilling hero responded reluctantly. “I mean, I was glad to help.”
“Good, good. I’m really happy to hear that,” Timoteo said with a spark in his eyes. Tsunayoshi felt as if he had just volunteered himself for a public execution, and decided to go and see someone who’s worse off than him. Or maybe just check up on his friends. He could see Lambo and Yamamoto eating with some elves.
"So are you telling me that bacon isn't a vegetable?" Lambo was asking an Elven lady who nodded with a slightly lost expression.
"No... no, it's not."
"Damn, this vegetarian thing is gonna be harder than I thought!"
“I don’t think that you’re going to succeed with it,” Yamamoto laughed, eating a quivering orange thing that Tsuna wasn’t sure how to identify. Was it alive? No, it couldn’t be. So was it, perhaps, made of-
Okay, mind, stop right there. There’s a limit to how gross thoughts can be.
“Tenth,” Gokudera’s voice was the only warning Tsunayoshi got before his slave/friend wrapped his arm around the brunet’s shoulder. “The dwarfs have magic drinks!”
“It’s called alcohol and it’s positively magical only for a short time. Then it becomes something else that stinks much worse.”
“Huh?”
“Nothing. How about doing something more… creative?”
“Oh,” Gokudera gasped, eyes widening and a slight blush appearing on his face. “Y-you don’t mean…?”
“No, I probably do not mean what you’re thinking right now,” Tsunayoshi said sternly. “I’ll go and have a walk. Admire the stars, or something.”
Admiring the stars was something Tsunayoshi rarely did. Actually, this was the first time. And considering the bad luck that action spawned, it was also the last time too. Mainly the reason was as follows:
tsuna: whazzup?
stars: lol whut. we’re twinkling here, yo.
tsuna: u see how my life sucks?
stars: hell yeah, it’s fun to watch. U dun get much entertainment up here, u know. Gay boy.
tsuna: … wtf?
stars: gay boy.
tsuna: … stfu…
stars: loooool
***user tsuna has logged out***
Sawada Tsunayoshi used international, expressive and rather rude hand gestures to show how much he appreciated the stars, and then went to sleep.
or a reason even Tsunayoshi wasn’t quite sure of, he was dragged few days later to something that Iemitsu called Great Council. Much to the brunet’s dismay, Strider made an appearance as soon as Iemitsu left his side, which didn’t give him a chance to escape at all.
“How have you been?” Strider asked in a voice that didn’t need answers. “Well, I see? Good. You’ll need that health of yours, Loser-Tsuna.”
“Where did you leave Bianchi?” The brunet, who was quick to learn which buttons he could push, asked. Strider’s grip on his shoulder became tighter, and it hurt.
“Do you want to die?” the man asked in a low tone that left the younger one with no illusions about his age and life expectations would he dare to ever remind Strider - or well, Reborn - about Bianchi. “Go and sit down, the meeting will start soon.” Tsunayoshi did as told, and sat down to observe the scene. It was pretty crowded, what with the people of all shapes and sizes. Well, not really. Hobbits, dwarves and elves were pretty much now just titles - it was really hard to distinguish between the races. Dwarves were a bit sturdier, louder and had an eternal fighting spirit, elves liked to point sharp things and giggle madly, hobbits liked to eat, and humans were humans.
“Strangers of distant lands,” Timoteo started. “Friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor.”
‘Shiiiit,’ Tsunayoshi thought, eyes starting to look for an emergency escape route. Reborn’s iron grip around the brunet’s elbow hindered him greatly, much to his sorrow.
“Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You’ll unite, or you’ll fall.” Tsunayoshi marvelled at the quality of the grim silence that overtook the people in the council. A certain elf with long, silver hair looked more constipated than worried, however, which made our young hero slightly worried - even he knew that vomiting during events like this was Highly Improper. Had this guy drunk as much as Gokudera few days ago or something?
“Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.”
‘Shishishi,’ an unfortunately familiar voice by now laughed inside Tsunayoshi’s mind. ‘It’s all thanks to me! ME!’
“Bring forth the ring, Tsunayoshi,” Timoteo ordered, and the brunet was more than happy to comply. He set the ring onto the table in the middle and moved back to his seat.
“So it’s true,” a raven-haired man with sharp, narrow eyes muttered. “In a dream, I saw the eastern sky grow dark…” At this point Tsunayoshi stopped listening and focused on somehow trying to ignore the sorrowful whimpers of the Evil Ring.
‘Tsunayoshiiii… what sort of princess leaves his prince like thiiiis? Shishishi… stop playing hard-to-get, my deaaar… we’re destined to be together <3’
“It’s a creepy thing,” the brunet muttered, and Reborn nodded absently, his eyes fixed on the ring like those of many others. Suddenly Mukuro stood up, and said words Tsunayoshi had never heard before. Cold wind blew, sky darkened for a while, and somehow Tsunayoshi’s Intuition was smirking, shrugging and muttering about how Mukuro couldn’t stand to have anything - even a ring - get Tsunayoshi’s undivided attention.
“Never before has any voice uttered the words of that language here in Imladris.”
“I do not ask your pardon, Lord of Rivendell,” Mukuro replied. “For the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West. The Ring is altogether evil.”
“For once, we agree,” Tsunayoshi muttered quietly.
“The ring is Evil,” the dark-haired man who had first risen to inspect the ring spoke. “But why not use that Evil? Give my people - give Gondor - the weapon of the enemy and we’ll kill them with it.”
“You cannot wield it,” Reborn retorted immediately. “None of us can. The One Ring answers to Byakuran alone. It has no other master.”
‘I’m not particularly fond of him, actually,’ the Ring confessed to Tsunayoshi. ‘This prince has no master. But if you wish, my precious, you can use me every night…’
“And what would a Ranger know of this matter?” the man sneered.
“VOOOI! This is no mere ranger,” the silver-haired elf yelled, almost startling Tsunayoshi from his seat. “He’s Reborn. An Arcobaleno. Which makes him some sort of King out there. The King, I suppose.” That information made the Ring tell Tsunayoshi numerous bad puns about Kings and Royal Bastards.
“Son of Arathorn,” Reborn said nonchalantly with a shrug. “You owe me your allegiance. One way or another, Hibari. The most pressing one would be me being the heir to the throne of Gondor.”
“Gondor has no king,” Hibari snapped.
“Well, fine. Leading Prefect, or something like that.”
“Gondor needs no king.”
“At any case,” Mukuro, who missed hearing his own voice again, said. “We cannot use the ring.”
“You have only one choice,” Timoteo spoke. “The Ring must be destroyed.”
‘What!? No! I’m just a poor little riiiiiing~ Shishishishi…’
“What are we waiting for, then?” a man with a wide grin exclaimed, lifting his axe, hitting the ring yet not harming it. The following explosion threw the fool few feet away making him meet the ground quickly. “So… Extreme,” he wheezed.
“The Ring cannot be destroyed like that, Sasagawa Ryohei, by any craft we possess,” Timoteo said gently. “The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor, and cast back into the fiery chasm from where it came. One of you-” his eyes met Tsunayoshi’s, who paled, and turned to stare at the crack on the floor hastily. “- must do this.”
“One does not simply walk into Mordor,” Hibari stated coldly. “Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs.”
‘I think Orcs would be bad enough,’ Tsunayoshi thought, starting to mentally prepare for the journey to go back home.
“The evil there does not sleep,” some other man agreed quietly. “The Great Eye is ever-watchful.”
“It’s a barren wasteland,” another muttered. “Riddled with fire, and ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. This is impossible even with 10 000 men.”
“Have you heard nothing Lord Timoteo has said?” the silver-haired elf snapped. “The Ring must be destroyed.”
“And I suppose you think you’re the one to do it?” Sasagawa Ryohei asked loudly.
“If we fail, what then?” someone asked. “What happens when Byakuran takes back what’s his?”
‘Not his, not hiiiis~ But I could be yours, Tsunayoshi~’ the Ring whispered to Tsunayoshi, who wished that it would go and annoy someone else. Someone who’d actually want it.
“I’ll be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf!” one of the dwarves declared.
“Cha-ching,” Tsunayoshi muttered, leaning back as the elves stood up, a sword-waving maniac being the most enthusiastic in the crowd. “Great. Fight. So why won’t you just off each other and save this Byakuran-guy the trouble?” Perhaps he had said the words louder than he intended, but fact was the everyone heard them, and silence reigned one again. Iemitsu gave his son a proud smile, and the said son just wished for his father to keel over and become dust.
“Well done,” Timoteo said suddenly, with an immensely relieved expression. “Thank you for volunteering, Tsunayoshi.”
“What the…? Vol- volunteering?”
“My son,” Iemitsu all but cried. “You’re braver than what I thought… Willing to take this ring to Mordor.”
“Wait! Who said anything about-“
“Your mother would be so proud.”
“You’re not sending your only son to his doom! And I very much doubt that mom would be-“
“I’m so happy!” Iemitsu cried.
“DON’T BE!” Tsunayoshi howled. “I don’t even know the way!”
“I’ll help you!” Mukuro all but beamed. “We’ll carry this burden together, through the good and the bad times, only death will do us apa-“
“If by my life or my death I can protect you,” Reborn interrupted dully. “I will. You have my gun.”
“And you have my sword,” the silver-haired elf said, moving also forward towards the mentally screaming brunet.
“And you have my… fists now, since I broke my axe,” Sasagawa Ryohei exclaimed with a shining smile. “It will be EXTREME!”
“Such herbivore carrying the fates of us all,” Hibari muttered, standing up. “If this is meant to happen… then I will see it done.”
“WAIT!” a new voice yelled, and Gokudera scrambled from the bushes. “Tenth isn’t going anywhere without me!”
“We’re coming too!” Lambo and Yamamoto declared, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.
“Anyway, you need people with intelligence to succeed in this sort of… mission,” Lambo stated seriously. “Quest. Thing.”
“Nine companions,” Timoteo said softly, managing to ignore the clearly panicking expression of Sawada Tsunayoshi. “So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.”
“Great,” Lambo nodded approvingly. “Where are we going?”
‘Someone take me away,’ Tsunayoshi silently wished.
‘We can elope~ Shishishi…’
With a grim expression Sawada Tsunayoshi vowed to get the ring destroyed, no matter the price.
stars: hahahahahahaha
tsuna: STFU
hen did he agree to this again? Never! He never agreed to this! So why did it happen? Having Sawada Iemitsu for a father was a curse worse than all other curses!
“I see from your unhappy face that you’re feeling the Ring’s burden,” Mukuro said, reverting to inappropriate shoulder grabbing that made Tsunayoshi desperately wish for a cliff from where he could jump.
“It’s a burden alright,” he replied. “Even more so than this snow.”
“Oh yes. Say… your father gave you something when we left Rivendell?”
“A shirt of dwarf mail that was too small for him. And his sword, Sti-“
“Oh yes… the sword! Severe Traumatic Incident Near Groin, if I remember correctly.”
“STING, Mukuro. The sword will be called Sting when I’m using it.”
“If you insist.”
“Also, say, but does this mountain hate us? The storms are just growing stronger and-“
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just a mountain,” Lambo interrupted.
“The Misty Mountains are more than that,” Reborn said. “It’s among other things, a Spiteful Pile of Rocks.”
“We have to turn back,” the sword-wielding elf - whom Tsunayoshi knew now to be called Superbi Squalo - said. “The majority will freeze to death if we continue this way.”
“But we can’t turn back,” Lambo exclaimed.
“He’s right. The only other way is to go through the mines of Moria-“ Reborn said.
“I don’t know this Moria thing,” Lambo interrupted. “But I want to see the polar bears!”
“Ouch,” Mukuro muttered, watching how Reborn kicked Lambo a few times, before lifting him up from his legs and throwing him down the hill.
“Why did we bring that thing again?” Gokudera asked.
“We didn’t,” Tsunayoshi replied quietly. “It followed us on its own.”
“We’ll go through the mines of Moria,” Reborn declared, and the others profoundly ignored the jiggly dance of victory Sasagawa Ryohei performed. The dwarf was still grinning madly by the time they were standing in front of what resembled a wall of stone.
“So hidden, the entrances are, that no other but who knows of them can find them,” Ryohei said. “That’s EXTREME hiding, you know!”
“As long as you can find them quickly, we’ll be happy,” Gokudera snapped. Tsunayoshi was about to say something too, when his Intuition rang the doorbell as asked to take a look at the black, suspicious lake. Mukuro was having the time of his life, lording over everyone the fact that this was his forte, his thing to open the doors, he once knew all the spells yadda yadda.
“Would you like some face-lifting salve?”
“No thanks, Lambo. This is my face, deal with it.”
“Isn’t that peanut butter or something?”
“What’s the elvish word for friend?”
“Look, there are eyes in the water staring at us.”
“I think we have to eat now something.”
“WAIT!” Mukuro’s voice boomed in the area, startling most of the poor souls with him. “Someone just said something important! Who was it and what did you say?”
“Not that you’re vague or anything, but…” Tsunayoshi started, only to shriek in panic when something dark and… solid… rose from the water.
“Who keeps an octopus in the lake?” Lambo asked.
“I don’t think that’s an octopus,” Yamamoto said.
“My Intuition says that we better get into the mines asap, plz,” Tsunayoshi added. “I mean, before anyone loses a limb or two.”
“What was the Important Qu-“
“What’s the elvish word for ‘friend’?” Tsunayoshi snapped impatiently. Mukuro tried it, and the doors opened. Then the much delighted wizard turned to make kissy-faces at his crush, who shuddered and took a step back…
…only to get grabbed by The Octopus.
“It’s a pity that Skull isn’t here,” Reborn muttered. “He’d solve this with words.”
“TEEEENTH!”
“That’s EXTREME ATTENTION SEEKING, SAWADA!”
“Hm. So the herbivore enjoys this sort of things…”
“GWAAAAHHH!”
“It seems I have to be the one to do it,” Squalo muttered, prepared his sword and attacked. In a watery environment Sharks beat the crap out of Octopuses, and this time was no exception. The elf all but carried the crying, cursing Tsunayoshi into the mines and set him down only after the doors closed.
And maybe, when he was holding Tsunayoshi, some little voice in Squalo’s subconscious started to notice what exactly Mukuro liked about the brunet’s body.
“We’re stuck here. Great.”
“Don’t worry,” Ryohei assured them. “Dwarves of Moria are-“
“Dead, mostly,” Mukuro stated, lifting a skull. “And have been for some time by the looks of it.”
“Ooh, dangerous,” Lambo stated in a desperate effort to prove that he wasn’t as dumb as his outfit.
“Welcome to last week, moron,” Gokudera growled. “Didn’t we already establish the fact that this is dangerous?”
“I can’t believe this,” Ryohei was wheezing in shock. “This isn’t a mine… this is a tomb!”
“You can hold my hand, if you want,” Mukuro told Tsunayoshi, who gave him a disbelieving stare before moving strategically to stand between Squalo and Reborn.
“Whatever killed these might still be here,” Hibari stated, and Reborn nodded.
“Yeah, most probably. We must be careful as we advance.”
“Do we have to advance?”
“There’s no way back, pal. No way to go but forward.”
“Typical. Why is it that we always end up using these one-way-roads, huh?”
“With that clear to everyone now,” Reborn drawled. “Then let’s get going.”
iles away nine Black Riders were having a break. Xanxia had dug out several bottles full of suspicious yet presumably very intoxicating beverages and Iris was having a great time watching Queen Bitch drink them all.
“What are you doing?” I-pin asked.
“I'm going to drink until my internal organs start a revolution and leave,” the raven-haired woman snapped. “Where are those assholes!?”
“Tsu-kun thinks he can avoid me,” Nana hummed softly while braiding Kyoko’s hair. “He’s so naïve, that son of mine.
“But really cute,” Haru said dreamily. “He’s beautiful.”
“He’d make a fine girl,” Nana agreed. “Why was he born a boy?”
“Sometimes our children do things we wish they wouldn’t.”
“Yeah… I guess it’s all because his father.”
“One of my messenger birds is here,” Uni said, moving towards the other women with a bird of sorts on her arm. “Apparently they’re in Khazad-dum.”
“You’re fucking shitting us,” Xanxia spat. “That’s suicidal!”
“I bet it’s Reborn’s fault,” Hana muttered spitefully.
“Or Mukuro’s,” Chrome sighed dully. “Actually I’d say it’s definitely Mukuro’s fault somehow. Most things are.”
“So, what are we going to do?” Kyoko asked.
“I suppose we have to stay some steps ahead,” Hana said. “Where would they be heading to, from the mines?”
“The elves again,” I-pin said immediately. “The elves of Lothlórien.”
“How about we welcome them before the elves do?”
“Do we know which road they’ll take?”
“Oh,” Nana smiled dreamily. “Don’t worry. I can track my son down, alright.”
n the morning of the third day - not that they really knew that it was a morning, what with being stuck underground and all - they reached something Ryohei ended up calling Balin’s tomb. From there they also found a book Mukuro was very interested in reading aloud.
Tsunayoshi was going crazy with paranoia.
“Someone is following us,” he whispered to Gokudera who nodded.
“If you say so, Tenth.”
“Don’t you ‘ifyousayso’ -me, Gokudera Hayato! Listen! There are footsteps! Can’t you hear them?”
“Yes, Tenth.”
“Now uncross your fingers and be honest. Can you?”
“…no, Tenth.” At this Tsunayoshi slapped his forehead and turned to see Squalo standing behind them, with an unreadable expression on his face. The elf was tall - as tall as Reborn - which made him about a head taller than Tsunayoshi who had never grown to be as tall as his father… apparently he took more after his mother. Unfortunately not enough, what with Nana’s ambitions about changing his gender as well.
“I know where we are now,” Mukuro said after reading the Chronicles for a while. “Now we have a snowball’s chance in hell to get out.” He had barely finished when Tsunayoshi’s Intuition sent a SOS message.
“Danger approaching,” the brunet stated monotonously, and Hibari moved towards the doors to listen.
“Orcs,” he said.
“And a troll,” Squalo added with a feral grin. “Good. I was getting bored.”
“Aren’t elves supposed to be creatures of harmony and peace and love?”
“The hell? You think we’re hippies or something?”
“No,” Lambo muttered. “Not hippies at all. But you do have a long hair.”
“VOOOI!!”
“They’re here!” Yamamoto exclaimed. “The Orcs are approaching us!”
“Let them come,” Reborn said grimly. “Let them walk to their doom.” The battle wasn’t a good one. The chamber was too small for any grand acts, the orcs kept increasing and the gigantic troll just wasn’t a good thing. Whether it was a conscious course of action or not, Squalo didn’t know, but he stuck close to Tsunayoshi and might have focused on protecting the brunet more so than the others.
Yet, he couldn’t do anything when the troll threw Tsunayoshi against a wall and stabbed him. At that moment it seemed as if everything stopped in silence. The agonized expression on the young brunet’s face was that of a dying man.
“A-aaugh,” Tsunayoshi croaked with unfocused eyes. “Aaaaugh.”
“TENTH!” Gokudera shrieked.
“TSUNAYOSHI!” Mukuro screamed, watching the boy he obsessed over slide down the wall and fall on his face. “NNOOOO!”
“Shit,” Reborn muttered, feeling suddenly rather upset. “He’s alive, right?”
“Alive after that? You think!?” Squalo growled, before turning towards the troll. “VOOOOOIII!! I’ll fucking kill you!”
“Tsunayoshiiii,” Mukuro sobbed, lifting up the brunet’s body.
“Oooh,” the should-be-dead brunet groaned. “These bruises will take forever to vanish.”
“…”
“…”
“You’re alive!?” Lambo gasped, wiping away some stray tears of mysterious origins. “HOW?”
“My Intuition told me to steal my father’s funky shirt,” Tsunayoshi said, lifting his wool shirt a little, revealing something vaguely recognizable as Mithril. “It’s shiny.”
“Let’s talk about Loser-Tsuna’s underwear some other time. If he’s fine then start moving! We need to get out of here!” Reborn ordered loudly. “Move towards the door!”
“Easier said than done!” Lambo shrieked back. Unlike him, Yamamoto wasn’t having any trouble with dicing and slicing his enemies.
“He’s a natural-born killer,” Reborn muttered, but wasn’t so sure about that after Yamamoto grinned widely, without a trace of worry in him. “Or maybe a natural-born airhead.”
“The latter,” Mukuro stated. “Definitely the latter.” After a while they managed by some miracle to exit the chamber, and the wizard attempted to lock the door with a spell… but it didn’t work.
“What’s wrong?”
“A counter-spell of an unknown origin. But it’s alright - even if I don’t lock the door, the chamber will collapse under this pressure. And now, to the bridge of Khazad-dum!”
“Lead the way.”
“You know,” Lambo was huffing as they ran. “I always wondered why big bosses have to revert to wars instead of solving their differences in a civilized manner.”
“With a chess game or something?” Gokudera sneered. “Get real!”
“Maybe an embroidery contest,” Lambo told him. “It’s challenging.”
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response,” the silver-haired boy grunted, and ran into Ryohei who had stopped for some reason.
“It can’t get any worse,” Reborn stated calmly, watching the flaming thing approaching them.
“Aaahahaha~” the thing all but sang. “Such fine bodies~ Oh yeees~”
“It’s a Balrog,” Mukuro hissed. “This enemy goes beyond our powers. We have to flee!”
“This isn’t any Balrog,” Reborn muttered, being for some reason the first one running away regardless of his usual bravery. “That’s Lussuria. He’s that Balrog.”
“What? Which Balrog?”
“The gay one!”
hey had survived the mines of Moria, if surviving didn’t mind losing Mukuro. Tsunayoshi felt sort of dazed - sure, he hadn’t particularly admired Mukuro for his personality, but to know that he was dead…
“He was the finest man of his generation.”
“Well, we don’t speak ill of the dead but that was a lie.”
“We’ll never forget him.”
“He was too traumatic to be forgotten.”
“Rest in peace, Rokudo Mukuro, the Grey Wizard.”
“Even though we never saw you dressed in anything grey.” Mukuro was notable for having that slight fancy towards the colour green, especially with purple dots.
“We have to hurry,” Reborn stated, startling the remotely mourning hobbits from their sorrow. “Soon this place will be crowded with orcs.”
“Stand up and get going, herbivores,” Hibari ordered. “We don’t have time to waste.”
“The forest of Lórien is near,” Squalo stated. “We can reach it before the sunset. Let’s get going!”
“Let us mourn for him a little!” Lambo wailed.
“There’s nothing to mourn about,” Reborn deadpanned, and the Fellowship started moving again. “We have to reach the forest of Lórien and cross the river Nimrodel. Then all of you will start playing mute and let me get us to temporary safety.”
“The Black Riders will be waiting somewhere near,” Squalo stated. “We have to be careful if we want to avoid a fight.”
“What do you mean if!?” Tsunayoshi asked. “We don’t want to have a fight. My mom is with them. And… and she wants to…to…”
“To turn you into a female,” Reborn finished for him with a smirk and a nod. “Nana was always rather stubborn about what she wanted. If she wants for you to be a female, well… I suggest getting used to the idea.”
“I’m a male,” Tsunayoshi hissed with a glared. “A male. And nothing can change that fact!”
“Nana can.”
“Don’t worry, Tenth,” Gokudera said. “You’d look good in a dress.”
“ARGH!”
With much amusement Squalo was watching the brunet who had now a rather pained expression. The elf didn’t know why, but he was quite fascinated by the little boy. It had something to do with that dry sense of humour, the desperate undertones and the somewhat fragile appearance of the Ring Bearer. Not to mention the utter… how to say it…objection to the world. Yes, if the words “I Refuse” had a human body, it would be a lot like the body of one Sawada Tsunayoshi. And that’s something Squalo found really interesting.
“Tenth, how are you feeling?” Gokudera was asking.
“Like I could burn inside out from regret, why?” was Tsunayoshi’s bitter response.
“Why?” Ryohei asked suddenly. “You’re a HERO TO THE EXTREME!”
“He hasn’t done anything yet,” Reborn muttered. “If we don’t count the temporary gender change, he is yet to do something someone else before him hasn’t done.”
“Some things aren’t worth dying for,” Tsunayoshi grunted. “This is one of them. I’ll die doing this.”
“But,” Yamamoto asked with slight confusion. “If you don’t do it, then you and everybody else will die too.”
“Good,” the brunet said with a nod. “Better take you all with me.”
“Ahahaha, I didn’t know you had such great sense of humour,” Yamamoto laughed loudly.
“Don’t worry Tenth,” Gokudera exclaimed. “I’d gladly follow you to death and back!”
“There would be no coming back.”
“Then we can go together. We could have a new fresh start and-“
“Nihihihi, Octopus-head is blushing,” Lambo mocked, managing to catch the silver-haired boy’s attention, and end up being his punching bag. Tsunayoshi rubbed the side of his head and sighed tiredly. All he wanted to do right now was to… retire and live a quite hermit-life in some cottage in a forest that wasn’t marked on maps.
“I hope you won’t be seeing nightmares because of Mukuro’s death,” Ryohei suddenly said to Tsunayoshi, in an oddly subdued manner. “He said you two were close.”
“He’s a big fat liar and is probably burning in hell right now,” Tsunayoshi replied evenly. “We were not close. He was… he was… uh… a… well, not a friend exactly but, you know, the sort of person you don’t want to know, but since you do know, you just deal with it.”
“Herbivores,” Hibari’s cold voice interrupted the two. “Be prepared - we’ll be going down the mountainsides. Don’t look down, or you’ll die. Don’t let go, or you’ll die. Don’t speak, or you’ll die. And you,” the man then added, looking at Tsunayoshi. “Don’t drop the ring, or I’ll bite you to death.”
“It’s not that much of a hard task to walk down the mountainside,” Squalo said, silver eyes glancing first at Hibari, then at the young brunet in front of him. “There are no cliffs here and walking towards our destination should be easy.”
“For us maybe,” Hibari agreed. “But for these herbivores? You shouldn’t overestimate them.”
“What was that, you bastard?” Gokudera growled, dynamites suddenly appearing.
“Stop. Both of you,” Reborn snarled. “Come on. See those ponds? Walk through them.”
“What? Will it get them off our track?” Lambo asked.
“No. But maybe you’ll manage to drown in one.”
_____________________________________________________________________
A/N: And this would be the second part… Third part will hopefully be posted soon.
Part 1
Part 3