784 - Inevitable change.
Some interesting news on my front. Good, bad, not sure yet. A letdown for sure, but perhaps something I've just been waiting for to happen for a while now.
As things stand, I will probably not be attending Northern Illinois University next semester. Or any semester in the future, most likely.
We can't afford it, is pretty much the bottom line. When I first came, it was with the intention that I would be going for two years and getting a degree, keeping loans to a minimum. Because of my condition and a series of events, I decided on an art major instead, which then added three years to my schooling. This would double my tuition, which would double the rate that we agreed to pay off my loans, which ends up being about the same as if I were paying for an apartment by myself per month. That's waay too many hundreds of dollars. That's too much for me to handle, and that's something that my parents can't pay as well. It's something that would burden us and bog us down too much.
I wish it was more negotiable, but loans are something the government just doesn't help you with. Foreclosures, bankruptcy, yes, school loans no. I've looked desperately for scholarships, but the only ones readily available that would give me a decent amount of money (i.e. a semester's worth of tuition) are ones that are for a) kids under 18 who will be freshman, or b) people who have consistently shown they're 'leader' individuals that won't waste funder's money with bs like art school and will become something like a businessman or a lawyer. My art school had about 20 scholarships lined up that you could apply for, but I didn't have any of the requirements because I hadn't started my main program of art yet. So... balls to that I guess.
Despite all this I'm feeling okay. I think. Maybe I'm still in shock... or maybe I just feel like this was coming all along. My mother kept telling me "not to worry, we'll manage", but finally just unloaded on me this morning when I told her about the classes I was signing up for. I understand, though. I understand that it's too much of a burden and I couldn't possibly ask anyone I loved - my family, Helen - to have to shoulder so much with me. It's just not something anyone should have to put up with.
I'm going to get a job. Either here or back home, but I'll get a job for the summer for sure. I'll save up, and I'll continue my education in art. Self-study is obviously an option. There's tons and tons of resources, and all I have to do is get off my ass and start being serious. There's some nice online courses - like, legit ones that are taught by artists (I saw one that is led by an artist that was paid to visit NIU) - and if I take a couple at a time it'll give me something to work towards.
I did a tarot reading on the whole subject, and it was pretty much spot-on. Got some interesting cards that really spoke to me - two of pentacles (juggling financially), ten of wands (overburdened), the strength card (what I desire)- but I was so happy to see so many positive things. My ultimate outcome card was that of the four of wands - building happy, solid foundations. I was pretty worked up at the idea that I could have that outcome. I feel confident, in that sense. It's telling me not to worry about money - to just work hard at my creativity and go forth. Which I think is what I needed to hear. I just needed to hear I could do it.
On we go, I guess. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel motivated for the rest of the semester, haha! Though actually, it's sort of been inspiring for a few of my projects. I'm gonna finish with all the strength I have. I'll do this. I can do this.
As things stand, I will probably not be attending Northern Illinois University next semester. Or any semester in the future, most likely.
We can't afford it, is pretty much the bottom line. When I first came, it was with the intention that I would be going for two years and getting a degree, keeping loans to a minimum. Because of my condition and a series of events, I decided on an art major instead, which then added three years to my schooling. This would double my tuition, which would double the rate that we agreed to pay off my loans, which ends up being about the same as if I were paying for an apartment by myself per month. That's waay too many hundreds of dollars. That's too much for me to handle, and that's something that my parents can't pay as well. It's something that would burden us and bog us down too much.
I wish it was more negotiable, but loans are something the government just doesn't help you with. Foreclosures, bankruptcy, yes, school loans no. I've looked desperately for scholarships, but the only ones readily available that would give me a decent amount of money (i.e. a semester's worth of tuition) are ones that are for a) kids under 18 who will be freshman, or b) people who have consistently shown they're 'leader' individuals that won't waste funder's money with bs like art school and will become something like a businessman or a lawyer. My art school had about 20 scholarships lined up that you could apply for, but I didn't have any of the requirements because I hadn't started my main program of art yet. So... balls to that I guess.
Despite all this I'm feeling okay. I think. Maybe I'm still in shock... or maybe I just feel like this was coming all along. My mother kept telling me "not to worry, we'll manage", but finally just unloaded on me this morning when I told her about the classes I was signing up for. I understand, though. I understand that it's too much of a burden and I couldn't possibly ask anyone I loved - my family, Helen - to have to shoulder so much with me. It's just not something anyone should have to put up with.
I'm going to get a job. Either here or back home, but I'll get a job for the summer for sure. I'll save up, and I'll continue my education in art. Self-study is obviously an option. There's tons and tons of resources, and all I have to do is get off my ass and start being serious. There's some nice online courses - like, legit ones that are taught by artists (I saw one that is led by an artist that was paid to visit NIU) - and if I take a couple at a time it'll give me something to work towards.
I did a tarot reading on the whole subject, and it was pretty much spot-on. Got some interesting cards that really spoke to me - two of pentacles (juggling financially), ten of wands (overburdened), the strength card (what I desire)- but I was so happy to see so many positive things. My ultimate outcome card was that of the four of wands - building happy, solid foundations. I was pretty worked up at the idea that I could have that outcome. I feel confident, in that sense. It's telling me not to worry about money - to just work hard at my creativity and go forth. Which I think is what I needed to hear. I just needed to hear I could do it.
On we go, I guess. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel motivated for the rest of the semester, haha! Though actually, it's sort of been inspiring for a few of my projects. I'm gonna finish with all the strength I have. I'll do this. I can do this.