(no subject)
...It's funny to read through my old wishlist posts and see that I used to feel so shallow for wanting stuff. ^^;; I wonder if it's a good or a bad change that nowadays I just feel that everyone wants stuff, so it's normal to go 'oooh' and 'ahhh'.
And then, I loved my old icons, too. I feel like my creative talent pool (small enough though it was) is just bubbling down. And it's funny. When I was younger, I felt like I utterly sucked at everything I did. Genuinely, devastatingly, sucked. I loved singing, but felt like I couldn't sing well enough for anything. I loved writing, but felt terrible whenever I compared myself to others. And I always thought my artwork sucked.
And now I look back, and I was good. I mean, not fantastic or anything... but really, really good. I must have done something right to make one of the lead sopranos, right? And my writing really wasn't that bad- some of my oneshots, reading back, I'm really proud of. Really proud. And my artwork. My god. I used to be able to draw. Not people, not cartoons, not watercolors... but real life stills. Landscapes. Animals. Black and white pencil drawings that actually looked... well, real. Looking back at pictures I drew in sixth grade, I had amazing skills at shading to make things look as if there wasn't a single brush stroke involved at all. I once scribbled a picture of a wolf in nothing but messy strokes and awkward lines but from even just three feet away, it looked like tangled fur highlighted and shaded in shadows. In high school I ruined markers in science class mixing and blending colors to draw a gorilla that would look more real-life than cartoon.
And I gave that all up because I genuinely thought I sucked and could never make anything good. Aren't people supposed to think that their works are amazing until years later when they realize it sucked rather than the other way around? It means they've progressed into better things, right? Have I just regressed, then? It's not as if people haven't told me I'm good at something. I just... could never find it in myself to believe them.
I want to, now, but I'm afraid that I'll change into someone I don't like. Like how I now feel that it's okay to want a lot of things... years ago it would have been shallow of me. Now I'm afraid if I try and take compliments I'll turn into a terrible person. Conceited and arrogant and just... not someone I want to be. But at the same time, I don't want to let any more talents pass me by.
And then, I loved my old icons, too. I feel like my creative talent pool (small enough though it was) is just bubbling down. And it's funny. When I was younger, I felt like I utterly sucked at everything I did. Genuinely, devastatingly, sucked. I loved singing, but felt like I couldn't sing well enough for anything. I loved writing, but felt terrible whenever I compared myself to others. And I always thought my artwork sucked.
And now I look back, and I was good. I mean, not fantastic or anything... but really, really good. I must have done something right to make one of the lead sopranos, right? And my writing really wasn't that bad- some of my oneshots, reading back, I'm really proud of. Really proud. And my artwork. My god. I used to be able to draw. Not people, not cartoons, not watercolors... but real life stills. Landscapes. Animals. Black and white pencil drawings that actually looked... well, real. Looking back at pictures I drew in sixth grade, I had amazing skills at shading to make things look as if there wasn't a single brush stroke involved at all. I once scribbled a picture of a wolf in nothing but messy strokes and awkward lines but from even just three feet away, it looked like tangled fur highlighted and shaded in shadows. In high school I ruined markers in science class mixing and blending colors to draw a gorilla that would look more real-life than cartoon.
And I gave that all up because I genuinely thought I sucked and could never make anything good. Aren't people supposed to think that their works are amazing until years later when they realize it sucked rather than the other way around? It means they've progressed into better things, right? Have I just regressed, then? It's not as if people haven't told me I'm good at something. I just... could never find it in myself to believe them.
I want to, now, but I'm afraid that I'll change into someone I don't like. Like how I now feel that it's okay to want a lot of things... years ago it would have been shallow of me. Now I'm afraid if I try and take compliments I'll turn into a terrible person. Conceited and arrogant and just... not someone I want to be. But at the same time, I don't want to let any more talents pass me by.