Maria-sama ga Miteru
Title: Nothing
Fandom: Maria-sama ga Miteru
Pairings: None, really.
Warnings: Slight shojo-ai
Spoilers: Very slight spoilers for Spring episode 5
Comments: I wanted to write a Maria-sama ga Miteru fic and this idea occurred to me late last night. It didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted, but I'm putting up because I really would like some insight and criticism.
Today should have been many things. It should have been the day that the third year students graduated. It should have been the day that the current Roses departed. It should have been the day when the Boutons finally blossomed into Roses. There are so many ways that today should have been remembered. But instead, today was the day that Ogasawara Sachiko cried.
The outburst was forgiven-embraced, even-by the other students. They saw the display of emotion as touching, as evidence of the deep, sisterly love that Rosa Chinensis en Bouton held for Rosa Chinensis. They believed that my despair was caused by the thought of having to continue on without the loving guidance of her Onee-sama. In short, I was the perfect petite soeur.
They were wrong. There was nothing touching or honorable about my behavior. In fact, my actions could only be characterized as a betrayal. My inability to deliver the farewell address was a betrayal to my Onee-sama who had to respond to such a disgraceful address. It was a betrayal to the students of Lillian who had chosen me for this honor. It was a betrayal to Yumi, who respected me.
It was bad enough that I had failed. It was bad enough that I had betrayed my Onee-sama who had chosen me for this position and supported me. The worst part, however, was the reason for my tears: I cried because my Onee-sama didn't love me. I cried because my Petite Soeur didn't need me.
From the day that Onee-sama gave me her rosary, I understood that I had been chosen as the soeur of Rosa Chinensis en Bouton, not as precious little sister of Mizuno Yoko. In the same way I had been prepared to take Shimako as a soeur to bring her into the Yamayurikai, Onee-sama had chosen me as a soeur to ensure that I would become Rosa Chinensis one day.
Onee-sama had always been kind to me and perhaps it was unfair to say that she didn't love me. She had offered me unconditional support and guidance, but I understood that I would never be first in her life. I never truly understood what I wanted, and needed, from my Onee-sama until I met Yumi.
I loved Yumi in a way that Onee-sama could never love me. But, while I had always needed my Onee-sama, Yumi didn't need me. I saw it when Rosa Gigantea teased her. I saw it when she ate lunch with Shimako. I saw it when she and Yoshino exchanged looks during meetings. Even if Yumi had not joined the Yamayurikai as my Petite Soeur, she would have still had friendship and respect of so many people. What could I offer her?
And so, I criticized her. I scolded her when she was late for a meeting because she was meeting with someone. I reprimanded her for unintentionally encouraging Rosa Gigantea's antics. I could only repay the lessons that Yumi taught me with hollow rules about conduct and etiquette.
But the real reason for my tears was the realization that, when I became Rosa Chinensis, Yumi would become Rosa Chinensis en Bouton and would find her own petite soeur. She would find someone that suited her. Someone that didn't scold her for small things. Someone that didn't need her so desperately. Someone that suited her. And then, I would be alone.
I realized truly how alone I was when I was standing on the stage. My Onee-sama would never weaken my position as the next Rosa Chinensis by going to me and Yumi... I had trained Yumi too well to do something as inappropriate as walking on stage during my farewell address. Rei's assistance had given me some comfort, but I realized that Yoshino was as possessive of her Onee-sama as I was of Yumi. So Rei's assistance was fleeting, too.
I had forced myself to enjoy the rest of the day. I understood, now more than ever, that though I had everything, it was temporary. Soon, my Onee-sama would be gone. Soon, Yumi would choose a petite soeur. Soon, I would be alone.
I, Ogasawara Sachiko, had everything I could want in life, but I had nothing to offer another person.
Today was been many things, but I will always remember it as they day that I realized that I had nothing.
Fandom: Maria-sama ga Miteru
Pairings: None, really.
Warnings: Slight shojo-ai
Spoilers: Very slight spoilers for Spring episode 5
Comments: I wanted to write a Maria-sama ga Miteru fic and this idea occurred to me late last night. It didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted, but I'm putting up because I really would like some insight and criticism.
Today should have been many things. It should have been the day that the third year students graduated. It should have been the day that the current Roses departed. It should have been the day when the Boutons finally blossomed into Roses. There are so many ways that today should have been remembered. But instead, today was the day that Ogasawara Sachiko cried.
The outburst was forgiven-embraced, even-by the other students. They saw the display of emotion as touching, as evidence of the deep, sisterly love that Rosa Chinensis en Bouton held for Rosa Chinensis. They believed that my despair was caused by the thought of having to continue on without the loving guidance of her Onee-sama. In short, I was the perfect petite soeur.
They were wrong. There was nothing touching or honorable about my behavior. In fact, my actions could only be characterized as a betrayal. My inability to deliver the farewell address was a betrayal to my Onee-sama who had to respond to such a disgraceful address. It was a betrayal to the students of Lillian who had chosen me for this honor. It was a betrayal to Yumi, who respected me.
It was bad enough that I had failed. It was bad enough that I had betrayed my Onee-sama who had chosen me for this position and supported me. The worst part, however, was the reason for my tears: I cried because my Onee-sama didn't love me. I cried because my Petite Soeur didn't need me.
From the day that Onee-sama gave me her rosary, I understood that I had been chosen as the soeur of Rosa Chinensis en Bouton, not as precious little sister of Mizuno Yoko. In the same way I had been prepared to take Shimako as a soeur to bring her into the Yamayurikai, Onee-sama had chosen me as a soeur to ensure that I would become Rosa Chinensis one day.
Onee-sama had always been kind to me and perhaps it was unfair to say that she didn't love me. She had offered me unconditional support and guidance, but I understood that I would never be first in her life. I never truly understood what I wanted, and needed, from my Onee-sama until I met Yumi.
I loved Yumi in a way that Onee-sama could never love me. But, while I had always needed my Onee-sama, Yumi didn't need me. I saw it when Rosa Gigantea teased her. I saw it when she ate lunch with Shimako. I saw it when she and Yoshino exchanged looks during meetings. Even if Yumi had not joined the Yamayurikai as my Petite Soeur, she would have still had friendship and respect of so many people. What could I offer her?
And so, I criticized her. I scolded her when she was late for a meeting because she was meeting with someone. I reprimanded her for unintentionally encouraging Rosa Gigantea's antics. I could only repay the lessons that Yumi taught me with hollow rules about conduct and etiquette.
But the real reason for my tears was the realization that, when I became Rosa Chinensis, Yumi would become Rosa Chinensis en Bouton and would find her own petite soeur. She would find someone that suited her. Someone that didn't scold her for small things. Someone that didn't need her so desperately. Someone that suited her. And then, I would be alone.
I realized truly how alone I was when I was standing on the stage. My Onee-sama would never weaken my position as the next Rosa Chinensis by going to me and Yumi... I had trained Yumi too well to do something as inappropriate as walking on stage during my farewell address. Rei's assistance had given me some comfort, but I realized that Yoshino was as possessive of her Onee-sama as I was of Yumi. So Rei's assistance was fleeting, too.
I had forced myself to enjoy the rest of the day. I understood, now more than ever, that though I had everything, it was temporary. Soon, my Onee-sama would be gone. Soon, Yumi would choose a petite soeur. Soon, I would be alone.
I, Ogasawara Sachiko, had everything I could want in life, but I had nothing to offer another person.
Today was been many things, but I will always remember it as they day that I realized that I had nothing.