Another Life Update: So The Drama
I keep telling myself to make a Life Updates post one of these days, since I'm 99% sure I haven't posted since like, November. HAH NOT EVEN CLOSE - October 18th. But 'Drowning in Life' is still very appropriate. And Life and Work and Things are happening all over the place and I'm too busy to even write, and if that doesn't tell me that my life is out of order, I don't know what does.
So, let's start with a journal post.
I was moved off the team of bigger, more complicated stuff without warning what ... a month ago I think? I was furious when they told me. For nearly a week. There was no warning, no discussion, just ... one day my Team Lead came to sit with me, and told me my numbers were really low so they were moving me to a different team and he hadn't been at work the day they decided to argue about it, so it was already decided.
I didn't want to move. I liked my team, and my supervisor, and my lead. I liked what I was doing. I'm still upset when I think about that, especially because there was no warning or coaching beforehand.
Another Team Lead found out what I'd been told and pulled me aside to assure me that wasn't the issue at all. That they'd actually been looking over my work to see *why* I was always working late, and realized I was drowning in my workload. According to him, moving me was to give me a break and to help with getting through the amount of assignments I was getting.
Originally I walked away from that conversation feeling like a weight had been lifted. Getting kicked off my team had felt like a punishment. Like a punch in the face that I wasn't good enough. I've gotten that a lot in my life: Not good enough. In jobs. As a girlfriend. As a friend or family member. Talking to him that day, I felt like that hadn't been it at all; that the truth was that someone had finally noticed I needed help and hadn't felt able to ask.
I ... don't really feel that way anymore.
There's a lot of reasons. My workload has also changed somewhat, but not the way that I had been told it would. So while I'm not working until nearly midnight most nights, I do still find myself working late hours every night. I don't really like my new team. I feel worn lately, even with the changes. And I always seem to be tired.
I'm trying to tell myself it will get better. And I'm trying to stay optimistic, because things *are* being changed. It's just ... not always easy to actually *be* optimistic.
my abdomen started aching very painfully around the end of October. Enough so that I was convinced to go to the hospital. (Final count was 3 visits: first time it happened, second time when it suddenly turned into a sharp pain in the right side of my abdomen, and then a third because the doctor of the second visit was an asshole and I wanted nothing to do with him.) End result was a pile of medical bills, a new general doctor that I genuinely like, and a gastroenterologist. They're all very concerned with figuring out WTF is going on, because it was triple-checked that it's not appendicitis and all of my internal organs appear to be fine.
So far it's been confirmed that I do not have an ulcer. Next step is getting in with a gynecologist to see if it's an ovarian cyst. After that, they're checking my gallbladder. So it's likely to be a long process. >.<
The pain is ... not faded exactly, but I've learned to deal with it, so I don't notice it so much anymore. It flares up when I'm stressed out, specifically around that right side. Some days I'm desperate for painkillers, and a few I'm fighting horrible nausea, but most of the time I ignore it and just do my best to be quiet and rest. Fortunately while my job *is* stressful sometimes, it's also sitting down all day in an office building with an elevator.
As for bigger news,
Life with a pregnant roommate is ... well, I'm getting ideas for Wes when I get back to re-working Bright Skies, let put it that way. She's not overly emotional, but she's quicker to *be* emotional. (Losing her temper, getting upset over a sad movie short ... ) She has cravings, but they're normal things, like biscuits and gravy or ice cream. (We also had a mad hunt for onion rings one day.) There are more bathroom trips and adjusting our schedule around how she's feeling at any giving time. I carry the heavy groceries and handle the catbox and make sure there's food when needed.
It sounds much more glamorous in writing than it actually is.
The Baby Daddy situation is more complicated. They were not dating nor expecting a baby. They are friends, but not close friends. He wants very much to be involved, but he kind of ... sucks at it.
The best way I could think of to describe him for someone was that he's the dreamer kind of artist, and he's not very realistic. He wants to draw art for the nursery (Spoiler: there isn't one. This is a two bedroom apartment; he'll be sleeping in her room.) and talks about teaching him to play video games. He wants to put together the crib and changing table he bought for her, despite never having assembled furniture before and not owning any sort of toolset. When she tries to suggest things she needs from him or things it would be good for him to look into, he blows her off. He says he wants to be there for all her doctor's appointments, then forgets about it entirely when she tells him the date for the next one.
I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he does try. And trying is better than not trying at all. Shi-chan wants to strangle him about 65% of the time. Pretty much everyone who's heard anything about him is either telling her to give him a chance or ready to strangle him for her. Or from his friends, assuring him he's going to be an amazing father.
The thing that further complicates this situation is me.
When Shi-chan first found out she was pregnant, she asked me to be her Second Parent. I didn't have to think twice about it, and I've never regretted agreeing for even an instant. Making plans for how she wants to handle things and walking through stores looking at baby stuff has been one of the more relaxing things I do these days. I'm excited. I can't wait to meet my future nephew.
BabyDaddy keeps forgetting I exist. More than once he's forgotten about me within the same conversation. He didn't seem to realize for more than a month that the fact she and I live together means I'm going to be around a lot. When we're actually around each other, I feel like I'm being talked at, rather than to. Despite being told by her directly that I'm going to be involved with this kid too, he only acknowledges me when we're in the same room - which has happened only a handful of times.
It worries me. Because I want to be involved in my baby's life. I want to be there for my Heart Sister. I want to be there for all the big moments. I *want* to get along with his father, and I want her to get along with him because I've been The Kid In The Middle and it's a truly horrible feeling. I just ... don't feel like this family is going to work very well with BabyDaddy in it. And I feel bad, because I don't want that for the kid.
Another thing I've learned is how few people understand what 'Second Parent' actually means. I've had people blow the term off entirely, be surprised when I talk about being involved, and on one occasion, assumed I meant 'like a Godmother'. The two people who did understand, or at least took me seriously? Arytra, and my dad, to my surprise. Which was wonderful, and still makes me smile to think about, but is also sort of depressing. What a horrible way to narrow down what a family means.
-Yawns- I think my thoughts are finally winding down again ...
Shi-chan's birthday was today, and some friends took us out to dinner. They are FABULOUS people, and we all had a great time. These friends are an amazing couple that blow me away every time I see them. Like I'm being reminded once again just how much I genuinely like them both. They're the kind of couple that balance each other out: she ranted to us about her awful day, while he listened patiently and nodded along with occasional annoyed commentary on her behalf, and later she listened patently while he gushed at me me in great detail about a movie that I'd reminded him off and how much he loved the beer he'd ordered and half a dozen other things. They also share this fantastic ability to somehow energize the people around them. I'd been fighting a nap all afternoon, and after two and a half hours with them, I'm just now getting sleepy again, four hours later.
And he wore a kilt to dinner. With a T-shirt with a lionhead symbol on it. He's good people. ^_^
Watching them also made me think about my own romantic relationship, and just how happy I am in it. It was a lovely feeling. ♥
It still feels like there's so many fun and crazy stories I should be telling. Laughing hysterically at the carwash this morning because Shi-chan's car had been horribly bird-bombed the night before, and it was so bad the guys working there were laughing too and offered to run us through the automated system again. My new New Nintendo 3DS, in pretty sparkly deep red. My newest game, Story of Seasons, which is both beautiful and adorable and I have no idea WTF I'm doing. Seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens with a co-worker and her husband and having an amazing time. (Finn is THE BESTEST and POE OMG POE and oh yes #ishipit.) My lovely and amazing girlfriend and her adorable kids that alternatively completely accept me in their lives despite having never met me and have no idea why I'm interested in their lives at all. Being SURROUNDED by pregnant women, like it's in season or something. (I'm at three, waiting for confirmation on a fourth.) Hunting down dragons for Shi-chan's baby theme because It's All Target's Fault. Discovering the wonderful show The Librarians and finding an interpretation of Santa Claus I have actually been able to not only accept and enjoy, but nearly been brought to tears by. Various Crazy Cat Antics because Things Are Changing and This Is Not Acceptable. Making DC Comic jokes at work and discovering people who actually get them. Being torn between wanting to write Charlie's Drama Story and wanting Antonio/Jayden cuteness and fluff. My intense hatred of Windows 10 and my fierce desire to see it burn in hellfire.
I suppose it's still life. And I'm still living it. Which leaves me feeling much better about things than I did when I started this post. ^.^
So, let's start with a journal post.
I was moved off the team of bigger, more complicated stuff without warning what ... a month ago I think? I was furious when they told me. For nearly a week. There was no warning, no discussion, just ... one day my Team Lead came to sit with me, and told me my numbers were really low so they were moving me to a different team and he hadn't been at work the day they decided to argue about it, so it was already decided.
I didn't want to move. I liked my team, and my supervisor, and my lead. I liked what I was doing. I'm still upset when I think about that, especially because there was no warning or coaching beforehand.
Another Team Lead found out what I'd been told and pulled me aside to assure me that wasn't the issue at all. That they'd actually been looking over my work to see *why* I was always working late, and realized I was drowning in my workload. According to him, moving me was to give me a break and to help with getting through the amount of assignments I was getting.
Originally I walked away from that conversation feeling like a weight had been lifted. Getting kicked off my team had felt like a punishment. Like a punch in the face that I wasn't good enough. I've gotten that a lot in my life: Not good enough. In jobs. As a girlfriend. As a friend or family member. Talking to him that day, I felt like that hadn't been it at all; that the truth was that someone had finally noticed I needed help and hadn't felt able to ask.
I ... don't really feel that way anymore.
There's a lot of reasons. My workload has also changed somewhat, but not the way that I had been told it would. So while I'm not working until nearly midnight most nights, I do still find myself working late hours every night. I don't really like my new team. I feel worn lately, even with the changes. And I always seem to be tired.
I'm trying to tell myself it will get better. And I'm trying to stay optimistic, because things *are* being changed. It's just ... not always easy to actually *be* optimistic.
my abdomen started aching very painfully around the end of October. Enough so that I was convinced to go to the hospital. (Final count was 3 visits: first time it happened, second time when it suddenly turned into a sharp pain in the right side of my abdomen, and then a third because the doctor of the second visit was an asshole and I wanted nothing to do with him.) End result was a pile of medical bills, a new general doctor that I genuinely like, and a gastroenterologist. They're all very concerned with figuring out WTF is going on, because it was triple-checked that it's not appendicitis and all of my internal organs appear to be fine.
So far it's been confirmed that I do not have an ulcer. Next step is getting in with a gynecologist to see if it's an ovarian cyst. After that, they're checking my gallbladder. So it's likely to be a long process. >.<
The pain is ... not faded exactly, but I've learned to deal with it, so I don't notice it so much anymore. It flares up when I'm stressed out, specifically around that right side. Some days I'm desperate for painkillers, and a few I'm fighting horrible nausea, but most of the time I ignore it and just do my best to be quiet and rest. Fortunately while my job *is* stressful sometimes, it's also sitting down all day in an office building with an elevator.
As for bigger news,
Life with a pregnant roommate is ... well, I'm getting ideas for Wes when I get back to re-working Bright Skies, let put it that way. She's not overly emotional, but she's quicker to *be* emotional. (Losing her temper, getting upset over a sad movie short ... ) She has cravings, but they're normal things, like biscuits and gravy or ice cream. (We also had a mad hunt for onion rings one day.) There are more bathroom trips and adjusting our schedule around how she's feeling at any giving time. I carry the heavy groceries and handle the catbox and make sure there's food when needed.
It sounds much more glamorous in writing than it actually is.
The Baby Daddy situation is more complicated. They were not dating nor expecting a baby. They are friends, but not close friends. He wants very much to be involved, but he kind of ... sucks at it.
The best way I could think of to describe him for someone was that he's the dreamer kind of artist, and he's not very realistic. He wants to draw art for the nursery (Spoiler: there isn't one. This is a two bedroom apartment; he'll be sleeping in her room.) and talks about teaching him to play video games. He wants to put together the crib and changing table he bought for her, despite never having assembled furniture before and not owning any sort of toolset. When she tries to suggest things she needs from him or things it would be good for him to look into, he blows her off. He says he wants to be there for all her doctor's appointments, then forgets about it entirely when she tells him the date for the next one.
I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he does try. And trying is better than not trying at all. Shi-chan wants to strangle him about 65% of the time. Pretty much everyone who's heard anything about him is either telling her to give him a chance or ready to strangle him for her. Or from his friends, assuring him he's going to be an amazing father.
The thing that further complicates this situation is me.
When Shi-chan first found out she was pregnant, she asked me to be her Second Parent. I didn't have to think twice about it, and I've never regretted agreeing for even an instant. Making plans for how she wants to handle things and walking through stores looking at baby stuff has been one of the more relaxing things I do these days. I'm excited. I can't wait to meet my future nephew.
BabyDaddy keeps forgetting I exist. More than once he's forgotten about me within the same conversation. He didn't seem to realize for more than a month that the fact she and I live together means I'm going to be around a lot. When we're actually around each other, I feel like I'm being talked at, rather than to. Despite being told by her directly that I'm going to be involved with this kid too, he only acknowledges me when we're in the same room - which has happened only a handful of times.
It worries me. Because I want to be involved in my baby's life. I want to be there for my Heart Sister. I want to be there for all the big moments. I *want* to get along with his father, and I want her to get along with him because I've been The Kid In The Middle and it's a truly horrible feeling. I just ... don't feel like this family is going to work very well with BabyDaddy in it. And I feel bad, because I don't want that for the kid.
Another thing I've learned is how few people understand what 'Second Parent' actually means. I've had people blow the term off entirely, be surprised when I talk about being involved, and on one occasion, assumed I meant 'like a Godmother'. The two people who did understand, or at least took me seriously? Arytra, and my dad, to my surprise. Which was wonderful, and still makes me smile to think about, but is also sort of depressing. What a horrible way to narrow down what a family means.
-Yawns- I think my thoughts are finally winding down again ...
Shi-chan's birthday was today, and some friends took us out to dinner. They are FABULOUS people, and we all had a great time. These friends are an amazing couple that blow me away every time I see them. Like I'm being reminded once again just how much I genuinely like them both. They're the kind of couple that balance each other out: she ranted to us about her awful day, while he listened patiently and nodded along with occasional annoyed commentary on her behalf, and later she listened patently while he gushed at me me in great detail about a movie that I'd reminded him off and how much he loved the beer he'd ordered and half a dozen other things. They also share this fantastic ability to somehow energize the people around them. I'd been fighting a nap all afternoon, and after two and a half hours with them, I'm just now getting sleepy again, four hours later.
And he wore a kilt to dinner. With a T-shirt with a lionhead symbol on it. He's good people. ^_^
Watching them also made me think about my own romantic relationship, and just how happy I am in it. It was a lovely feeling. ♥
It still feels like there's so many fun and crazy stories I should be telling. Laughing hysterically at the carwash this morning because Shi-chan's car had been horribly bird-bombed the night before, and it was so bad the guys working there were laughing too and offered to run us through the automated system again. My new New Nintendo 3DS, in pretty sparkly deep red. My newest game, Story of Seasons, which is both beautiful and adorable and I have no idea WTF I'm doing. Seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens with a co-worker and her husband and having an amazing time. (Finn is THE BESTEST and POE OMG POE and oh yes #ishipit.) My lovely and amazing girlfriend and her adorable kids that alternatively completely accept me in their lives despite having never met me and have no idea why I'm interested in their lives at all. Being SURROUNDED by pregnant women, like it's in season or something. (I'm at three, waiting for confirmation on a fourth.) Hunting down dragons for Shi-chan's baby theme because It's All Target's Fault. Discovering the wonderful show The Librarians and finding an interpretation of Santa Claus I have actually been able to not only accept and enjoy, but nearly been brought to tears by. Various Crazy Cat Antics because Things Are Changing and This Is Not Acceptable. Making DC Comic jokes at work and discovering people who actually get them. Being torn between wanting to write Charlie's Drama Story and wanting Antonio/Jayden cuteness and fluff. My intense hatred of Windows 10 and my fierce desire to see it burn in hellfire.
I suppose it's still life. And I'm still living it. Which leaves me feeling much better about things than I did when I started this post. ^.^