Drama and Uncertainty
Things have been fairly dramatic this past week or so. I'm full of all sorts of FEELINGS and DRAMA at the moment, and I need to vent them somewhere before I explode.
I'm in Texas at the moment, visiting Shi-chan. Shortly after I first got here - the first Monday of June, I think? - she met a new guy for a date. Things have gone well, and he makes her happy. I've met him, and I like him at times. At times he annoys me or does something I find slightly rude, but nothing too drastic. He's in the military and will be for the next four years, so he's only here on weekends.
Last week, she admitted to me that she was beginning to wonder if she might be pregnant. There was some angsting, and she made a joking comment that if she was, I'm not leaving for the next eighteen years. We laughed about it and joked around about what her kid would be like. Hah hah, of course she isn't.
A couple days later, I woke up and started the coffee maker, paused to pet one of her cats, and straightened up to find her holding a pregnancy test in front of my face with a plus sign on it.
I said: "Oh."
There was some initial panic and anxiety for both of us, but no major freak outs. Mostly I think we were pretty shocked, because she'd been told before that she can't *get* pregnant. She teasingly made the comment that I really only have to stay for five years, until she can put the kid in school during the day and let them deal with it. I made faces at her, but I told her flat-out that if she wants me here, I'm here for as long as she needs me. And I mean it.
The panicking has calmed down into speculating about the baby, making plans about things that she'll need, researching how to deal with the pregnancy. I've been a bit nervous and excited about all this, and I finally figured out why yesterday.
See, I have a nephew and three nieces. I've met my nephew twice, and my youngest niece once. My nephew and oldest niece both have kids of their own now, about a year old, and irony of ironies, I learned a few days ago that my youngest niece is about to be a big sister.* I don't know any of my siblings' kids. I've always wanted to, but I never had a chance to be there for any of them, or spoil them, or ... anything really. So having my best friend/surrogate sister want me around is pretty much a dream come true. I *want* to be here, for her and the baby.
Somewhere in all of this planning and plotting and trying to figure out how to tell The Boy that he's going to be a father - depending on confirmation at the impending doctor's appointment - it was brought up that Brother's been trying to pester me about when I'm going back to Idaho, seeing as this was only supposed to be a vacation. He does know what's going on, and he came up with the idea of me coming back to Idaho and trying to work on possibly dealing with all the doctors' crap that would be needed to help me get my driver's license back. He said he'd pay for it, and we could 'work something out' about how I'd pay it back. He said it might even be possible to help me with getting a car once I had a license, since they're pretty cheap up there. I told him that I'd think about it, because while the offer is tempting, I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of asking him to help me with something that's going to be that expensive.
So I researched. I found out that according to the Driving Laws by State on the Epilepsy Foundation website, there is no set seizure-free period you have to go through in Idaho before a neurologist can release you from medical restrictions for driving. (It's six months in Texas, although there are exceptions. I also learned that if I hadn't been living in California at the time, it's possible it never would have been taken away in the first place. >.<++) Which means that if I can get a referral to a neurologist, and get that neurologist to release the restriction, I can go to the DMV and get a driver's license again. Possibly in the next few months, even.
I haven't been allowed to drive since 2001.
The neurologist's office I spoke to quoted me $405 for the visit. If they order tests - and they probably will - a CT Head Scan is roughly $2033, an MRI of the brain $3217. So I'm looking at about $5000. If I'm lucky. And Idaho doesn't have free state health insurance for anyone older than 19, which means this is going to be out-of-pocket. x.x I'm still not comfortable with asking for this much from Brother, but at the same time ... The lack of a driver's license has been a huge issue with finding work for me, seeing as I keep ending up in places that have no public transportation.
I talked to Shi-chan about the whole thing. Her perspective is this: getting me a license would be SUPER HELPFUL in dealing with baby stuff, especially once she's in need of a chauffeur. And me being gone for the next six months or so would give her time to sort things out financially and get a little more stable in preparation for everything. And then I can be back in time for the birth and helping out during the last month or so.
I'm on board with ALL of these ideas. That's not the issue that's got me stressing out all the time, or losing sleep at night. If anything, if that's the way things do go, I'll be ecstatic.
The issue is in the fact that first of all, Brother hasn't actually *said* he will help with the doctor stuff. He made the suggestion, and told me to look into it, but he still hasn't actually *confirmed* anything. On top of this, his little brother is having Issues and will be moving back in with their parents - taking over what used to be my room. There's been talk of me sleeping on the couch, and looking into getting a camp cot so I can sleep in Brother's room.
I am *really* uncomfortable with this. For several reasons. First of all, I'm clearly going to be in the way there. Again. There's not really a place to put me, and I am so not okay with sleeping in Brother's room for many reasons. Several of which involve the Demon Bird. Also, I'm looking to be working on a short time limit, which means I need to know A.S.A.P. if Brother's even going to be able/willing to help with all this and how long it's going to take to get it rolling. And if he's not going to help me with a license for whatever reason, I really have no reason to go back to Idaho other then getting out of Shi-chan's hair for awhile.
There's some other Drama here, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
My second major issue of stress is getting an official doctor confirmation of Shi-chan being pregnant. (Her appointment is in a week and a half.) If she *is*, that leads to all sorts of things that need to happen or not happen, and decisions to be made and whatnot. If she's not and this is all just everyone jumping the gun, I still need to know because that means the original plans I'd been making for the rest of this year *aren't* going to change, and I need to focus on making that happen instead. So without a definite for sure yet, I really can't be sure of ... anything.
I don't know where I'm going to be in a few months. I don't know if I'll be needed here for a few years, or a few months, or eighteen years. Or at all. I don't know if I'm going to have a place where I can actually feel comfortable enough to sleep when I get to Idaho next Friday. I don't know when or how I'm getting picked up from the airport to make the last of my trip. I don't feel welcome there. I'm going stir-crazy in Texas because I found a temp agency I *could* go apply with, but I need transportation to go wherever they'd send me and Shi-chan's car is in the shop at the moment. I want to be here for her, but I'm not always sure if I'm really wanted - or needed.
I'm just ... tired. I'm tired of being scared and stressed and uncertain. I keep telling myself to stop trying to plan everything out, to just let life happen and deal with things as they come. But then new stuff crops up, and I start stressing out all over again.
So I don't know what's going to happen. I know I have a flight to Salt Lake City Airport (it's cheaper than flying directly to east Idaho) on Friday. I know Shi-chan has an upcoming doctor's appointment. I know I'm looking at roughly $5000 to get my license straightened out, not including the fees for the license itself. Assuming that I even get to that point. That's really all that I know right now.
And that's why I can't sleep at night.
* Even bigger irony, Shi-chan received the same news from her brother. All three kids are due around roughly the same time, which has led to me demanding to know what they're putting in the water these days.
I'm in Texas at the moment, visiting Shi-chan. Shortly after I first got here - the first Monday of June, I think? - she met a new guy for a date. Things have gone well, and he makes her happy. I've met him, and I like him at times. At times he annoys me or does something I find slightly rude, but nothing too drastic. He's in the military and will be for the next four years, so he's only here on weekends.
Last week, she admitted to me that she was beginning to wonder if she might be pregnant. There was some angsting, and she made a joking comment that if she was, I'm not leaving for the next eighteen years. We laughed about it and joked around about what her kid would be like. Hah hah, of course she isn't.
A couple days later, I woke up and started the coffee maker, paused to pet one of her cats, and straightened up to find her holding a pregnancy test in front of my face with a plus sign on it.
I said: "Oh."
There was some initial panic and anxiety for both of us, but no major freak outs. Mostly I think we were pretty shocked, because she'd been told before that she can't *get* pregnant. She teasingly made the comment that I really only have to stay for five years, until she can put the kid in school during the day and let them deal with it. I made faces at her, but I told her flat-out that if she wants me here, I'm here for as long as she needs me. And I mean it.
The panicking has calmed down into speculating about the baby, making plans about things that she'll need, researching how to deal with the pregnancy. I've been a bit nervous and excited about all this, and I finally figured out why yesterday.
See, I have a nephew and three nieces. I've met my nephew twice, and my youngest niece once. My nephew and oldest niece both have kids of their own now, about a year old, and irony of ironies, I learned a few days ago that my youngest niece is about to be a big sister.* I don't know any of my siblings' kids. I've always wanted to, but I never had a chance to be there for any of them, or spoil them, or ... anything really. So having my best friend/surrogate sister want me around is pretty much a dream come true. I *want* to be here, for her and the baby.
Somewhere in all of this planning and plotting and trying to figure out how to tell The Boy that he's going to be a father - depending on confirmation at the impending doctor's appointment - it was brought up that Brother's been trying to pester me about when I'm going back to Idaho, seeing as this was only supposed to be a vacation. He does know what's going on, and he came up with the idea of me coming back to Idaho and trying to work on possibly dealing with all the doctors' crap that would be needed to help me get my driver's license back. He said he'd pay for it, and we could 'work something out' about how I'd pay it back. He said it might even be possible to help me with getting a car once I had a license, since they're pretty cheap up there. I told him that I'd think about it, because while the offer is tempting, I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of asking him to help me with something that's going to be that expensive.
So I researched. I found out that according to the Driving Laws by State on the Epilepsy Foundation website, there is no set seizure-free period you have to go through in Idaho before a neurologist can release you from medical restrictions for driving. (It's six months in Texas, although there are exceptions. I also learned that if I hadn't been living in California at the time, it's possible it never would have been taken away in the first place. >.<++) Which means that if I can get a referral to a neurologist, and get that neurologist to release the restriction, I can go to the DMV and get a driver's license again. Possibly in the next few months, even.
I haven't been allowed to drive since 2001.
The neurologist's office I spoke to quoted me $405 for the visit. If they order tests - and they probably will - a CT Head Scan is roughly $2033, an MRI of the brain $3217. So I'm looking at about $5000. If I'm lucky. And Idaho doesn't have free state health insurance for anyone older than 19, which means this is going to be out-of-pocket. x.x I'm still not comfortable with asking for this much from Brother, but at the same time ... The lack of a driver's license has been a huge issue with finding work for me, seeing as I keep ending up in places that have no public transportation.
I talked to Shi-chan about the whole thing. Her perspective is this: getting me a license would be SUPER HELPFUL in dealing with baby stuff, especially once she's in need of a chauffeur. And me being gone for the next six months or so would give her time to sort things out financially and get a little more stable in preparation for everything. And then I can be back in time for the birth and helping out during the last month or so.
I'm on board with ALL of these ideas. That's not the issue that's got me stressing out all the time, or losing sleep at night. If anything, if that's the way things do go, I'll be ecstatic.
The issue is in the fact that first of all, Brother hasn't actually *said* he will help with the doctor stuff. He made the suggestion, and told me to look into it, but he still hasn't actually *confirmed* anything. On top of this, his little brother is having Issues and will be moving back in with their parents - taking over what used to be my room. There's been talk of me sleeping on the couch, and looking into getting a camp cot so I can sleep in Brother's room.
I am *really* uncomfortable with this. For several reasons. First of all, I'm clearly going to be in the way there. Again. There's not really a place to put me, and I am so not okay with sleeping in Brother's room for many reasons. Several of which involve the Demon Bird. Also, I'm looking to be working on a short time limit, which means I need to know A.S.A.P. if Brother's even going to be able/willing to help with all this and how long it's going to take to get it rolling. And if he's not going to help me with a license for whatever reason, I really have no reason to go back to Idaho other then getting out of Shi-chan's hair for awhile.
There's some other Drama here, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
My second major issue of stress is getting an official doctor confirmation of Shi-chan being pregnant. (Her appointment is in a week and a half.) If she *is*, that leads to all sorts of things that need to happen or not happen, and decisions to be made and whatnot. If she's not and this is all just everyone jumping the gun, I still need to know because that means the original plans I'd been making for the rest of this year *aren't* going to change, and I need to focus on making that happen instead. So without a definite for sure yet, I really can't be sure of ... anything.
I don't know where I'm going to be in a few months. I don't know if I'll be needed here for a few years, or a few months, or eighteen years. Or at all. I don't know if I'm going to have a place where I can actually feel comfortable enough to sleep when I get to Idaho next Friday. I don't know when or how I'm getting picked up from the airport to make the last of my trip. I don't feel welcome there. I'm going stir-crazy in Texas because I found a temp agency I *could* go apply with, but I need transportation to go wherever they'd send me and Shi-chan's car is in the shop at the moment. I want to be here for her, but I'm not always sure if I'm really wanted - or needed.
I'm just ... tired. I'm tired of being scared and stressed and uncertain. I keep telling myself to stop trying to plan everything out, to just let life happen and deal with things as they come. But then new stuff crops up, and I start stressing out all over again.
So I don't know what's going to happen. I know I have a flight to Salt Lake City Airport (it's cheaper than flying directly to east Idaho) on Friday. I know Shi-chan has an upcoming doctor's appointment. I know I'm looking at roughly $5000 to get my license straightened out, not including the fees for the license itself. Assuming that I even get to that point. That's really all that I know right now.
And that's why I can't sleep at night.
* Even bigger irony, Shi-chan received the same news from her brother. All three kids are due around roughly the same time, which has led to me demanding to know what they're putting in the water these days.