Finding a Reason
A friend of mine sent me a message on Facebook yesterday that bordered on a suicide note.
I spent a lot of time thinking about it, last night and all though today. He's very dear to me, this friend, and he's been going through a lot lately. He was there for me at a point when I needed him most, and I wanted to find the words to be there for him. I wanted to tell him something that would make it okay, and give him a reason to keep fighting.
And then I realized ... I can't.
Life is about living, and enjoying the experiences that come with that. But life and living also require a reason we get out of bed each morning. It isn't always a big reason, or a very important one, but there has to be that something that makes us get up, get moving, get going. Because getting out of bed is what leads to living. You can't do anything without finding that reason to get up first.
No one can tell you what that reason is; it's different for everyone. And no one can tell you what's in your heart. What matters to you, what's important enough and special enough to get you moving. That's something you have to decide for yourself.
For some of us, that reason is our loved ones. For some, it's the job we do. Some have someone that's depending on them to take care of them. And some of us haven't found that reason yet.
It's hard, finding a reason to get up each day. It's hard when you don't have that job to go to, that money or reputation to earn. It's hard when you're struggling to find a reason to love and care for yourself, let alone anyone else. Sometimes it's hard to get up just because the thought that you need to *find* a reason makes it even harder. Because you feel you shouldn't *need* a reason.
Today, I woke up because I heard the front door slam, and the sound of a door always wake me up. I got out of bed because there were a pair of golden-green eyes staring at me expectantly at my side. I took a shower, turned on my laptop, and made coffee. I checked e-mails and updates, talked to a friend, and stared at Facebook for awhile, waiting for the words to make my dear friend's suffering better, to make everything seem like it's worth fighting for again.
But I can't give him that, especially when I'm still struggling to get up each day myself. I have days where I get up because I have people I love who I want to laugh and talk with. I have days when there's an idea in my head I have to write down or a picture I have to draw. I have days where I get up because the alarm went off, and I need to get ready to go somewhere. I have days when my roommate's cats want my attention now, not later. And I have those days when I feel lost, and lonely and scared, and I have to remind myself that some of the people I love so much lost another dear friend recently too, and I don't want to hurt them all over again. I still have those days where I don't *want* to get out of bed, because it hurts too much. In more ways than one.
I don't always have a reason to get up each morning. Some days I have to find one. And my reasons are always different, day by day. Sometimes it's a goal, sometimes it's habit. Sometimes it's because I have so many dreams I want to make a reality, and I know that Kim will never have the chance to live out the rest of hers. So I tell myself that I *have* to keep going, and dreaming, and trying. Because she never got hers, and I owe it to her to live my own. Because if she *was* still here, she'd be one of the first to cheer for me.
So I'm up today. I'm writing, and finding words, even if they weren't the words I was hoping to find today. I finished the dishes. I replied to comments and posts and cheered for people I love because they accomplished something. I stopped to pet the cats every time I found one of them strategically placed in front of me, stretched out in preparation for a tummy rub.
I still don't always have a reason. A lot of times I have to focus on the little things in my life so I can find a way to smile. Ice cream in my morning coffee. Purring kittens. Stories that made me laugh and smile. Plotting crackfic.
I'm not living yet, not really. Or I don't always feel that I am. But I'm still finding those reasons to get out of bed. I'm still counting all the little things to be grateful for, the little things to make me smile. I'm hoping that one day they'll add up to be big things. And I'm still hoping that one day I won't need the little things to keep me going. I hope to have big things, like family and work and a home.
It's not always enough. But for right now, for today, I'm up. I'm moving.
And that means I can find another reason to get up tomorrow.
I spent a lot of time thinking about it, last night and all though today. He's very dear to me, this friend, and he's been going through a lot lately. He was there for me at a point when I needed him most, and I wanted to find the words to be there for him. I wanted to tell him something that would make it okay, and give him a reason to keep fighting.
And then I realized ... I can't.
Life is about living, and enjoying the experiences that come with that. But life and living also require a reason we get out of bed each morning. It isn't always a big reason, or a very important one, but there has to be that something that makes us get up, get moving, get going. Because getting out of bed is what leads to living. You can't do anything without finding that reason to get up first.
No one can tell you what that reason is; it's different for everyone. And no one can tell you what's in your heart. What matters to you, what's important enough and special enough to get you moving. That's something you have to decide for yourself.
For some of us, that reason is our loved ones. For some, it's the job we do. Some have someone that's depending on them to take care of them. And some of us haven't found that reason yet.
It's hard, finding a reason to get up each day. It's hard when you don't have that job to go to, that money or reputation to earn. It's hard when you're struggling to find a reason to love and care for yourself, let alone anyone else. Sometimes it's hard to get up just because the thought that you need to *find* a reason makes it even harder. Because you feel you shouldn't *need* a reason.
Today, I woke up because I heard the front door slam, and the sound of a door always wake me up. I got out of bed because there were a pair of golden-green eyes staring at me expectantly at my side. I took a shower, turned on my laptop, and made coffee. I checked e-mails and updates, talked to a friend, and stared at Facebook for awhile, waiting for the words to make my dear friend's suffering better, to make everything seem like it's worth fighting for again.
But I can't give him that, especially when I'm still struggling to get up each day myself. I have days where I get up because I have people I love who I want to laugh and talk with. I have days when there's an idea in my head I have to write down or a picture I have to draw. I have days where I get up because the alarm went off, and I need to get ready to go somewhere. I have days when my roommate's cats want my attention now, not later. And I have those days when I feel lost, and lonely and scared, and I have to remind myself that some of the people I love so much lost another dear friend recently too, and I don't want to hurt them all over again. I still have those days where I don't *want* to get out of bed, because it hurts too much. In more ways than one.
I don't always have a reason to get up each morning. Some days I have to find one. And my reasons are always different, day by day. Sometimes it's a goal, sometimes it's habit. Sometimes it's because I have so many dreams I want to make a reality, and I know that Kim will never have the chance to live out the rest of hers. So I tell myself that I *have* to keep going, and dreaming, and trying. Because she never got hers, and I owe it to her to live my own. Because if she *was* still here, she'd be one of the first to cheer for me.
So I'm up today. I'm writing, and finding words, even if they weren't the words I was hoping to find today. I finished the dishes. I replied to comments and posts and cheered for people I love because they accomplished something. I stopped to pet the cats every time I found one of them strategically placed in front of me, stretched out in preparation for a tummy rub.
I still don't always have a reason. A lot of times I have to focus on the little things in my life so I can find a way to smile. Ice cream in my morning coffee. Purring kittens. Stories that made me laugh and smile. Plotting crackfic.
I'm not living yet, not really. Or I don't always feel that I am. But I'm still finding those reasons to get out of bed. I'm still counting all the little things to be grateful for, the little things to make me smile. I'm hoping that one day they'll add up to be big things. And I'm still hoping that one day I won't need the little things to keep me going. I hope to have big things, like family and work and a home.
It's not always enough. But for right now, for today, I'm up. I'm moving.
And that means I can find another reason to get up tomorrow.