What She's Not (Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon, R-SuperS, K)
Still feeling pretty shitty and miserable, although my mood is slowly improving thankfully. Having deep pains in the center of my chest, but I think it's actually heartburn 'cause I'm out of Prilosec and Malox has never worked as well. >.< Other than that, I'm still tired and generally weak and worn out. Hopefully whatever this is will go away soon.
In other news, psyco_chick32 inspired a drabble out of me. And it's not even PR! -Mock gasp-
It's kind of random and not very good, but it sort of tempts me to try some more along this line of thought, maybe from other points of view.
Fandom/: Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon, somewhere in the R through SuperS seasons.
Characters/: Chibi-Usa
Pairings/: Usagi/Neo-Queen Serenity/Mamoru/King Endymion
Rating/: K
Disclaimer/: Trust me, if this were my playground, we'd have seen a lot more of the manga story in the beginning of the anime. 'Cause damn it, Usagi and Mamoru loved each other *before* they knew each other's secret identities/past lives, and that's important. Also, Rei never dated Mamoru, never *should* have dated Mamoru, and you cannot convince me otherwise.
Summary/: Usagi may be Neo-Queen Serenity in the future, but Chibi-Usa knows better than anyone that she's not that person yet.
Warnings/: Slight angst, maybe. That's about it.
Author's Notes/: psyco_chick32 wrote a lovely story for a prompt I gave her called Memories in a Stone. Her response to my comment caught my attention, and inspired ... this. So, this one's for you, sweetie. ^_~
I always laughed at that in the anime, the idea that they can't stand each other, but that Chibi-Usa absolutely adores her mother; the disconnect there is really intriguing to me, LOL
She's not 'kaa-san.
She's not.
She whines and complains and never wants to do what she's told. She pushes off her Senshi duties to eat ice cream and spent time with Mamo-chan. She ignores her homework. She eats too much. She sleeps in class. She's always tripping and wailing and screeching.
'kaa-san is tall, elegant and graceful. Her smile can make anyone feel better. She's always kind and gentle, so soft-spoken and sweet. She says that nothing is more important than her people, for without people there is no kingdom. No Silver Millenium.
Except for me, of course. She always says it with a sweet smile, love in her eyes as she watches me. She never looks at anyone else the way she looks at me.
Well, no one else except for Papa, but even that look isn't quite the same.
It's different with Mamo-chan. He's not *quite* right, but he still looks at me with that expression between awe and love; like he can't quite believe I'm real. He still protects me and spoils me. Still watches over us both with that same warm, loving look. Still hugs me when I'm sad.
Usagi-chan isn't my 'kaa-san. 'kaa-san doesn't fight, and while she complains about it, Usagi-chan *is* still Sailormoon. 'kaa-san never loses that elegance, that calm presence that makes everyone love her. Usagi-chan is graceless and noisy and cries loud enough to break my eardrums.
'kaa-san knows when I'm sad and gives me hugs and kisses to make me feel better. She fusses when I'm sick and feeds me sweets for an afternoon snack while we talk about our days. She smiles when she sees me and always puts aside whatever she's doing to talk to me, unless it absolutely can't wait for later. And even then, she'll still stop to tell me when to come back.
Usagi-chan only notices me when I *make* her notice me. When I pick fights, when I interrupt her time with Mamo-chan. When I steal her snacks and mock her for the homework she hasn't done yet. When I call her names. When Chibi-moon is in trouble.
It hurts her. I can tell, because no matter how much she glares at me, her eyes show what she really feels. She yells back because I hurt her, because she's angry and upset that her own daughter - not yet, but some day - would treat her that way. Because I'm a brat, as she likes to insist.
But I don't care. Because as long as she's screaming and making faces at me, she's looking at *me*. Not Mamo-chan, not the Senshi, not someone else. But *me*. Chibi-Usa.
And it *is* fun sometimes, picking on her. There's no one to fight with at home, no one to tease and shout at. Princess don't shout. They don't run down the street, throw things at their friends and pig out while watching television.
Well. *This* one doesn't. Sometimes it's easy to forget that technically Usagi-chan is a princess, too - or at least she used to be.
But more than anything, I just want her to see me. To pay attention to me.
To love me.
She's not 'kaa-san. Not yet, anyway. And I know, even if she'd never admit it, that the idea of being a mother scares her, even if it's only something that will happen someday. She's only fifteen, after all. I can understand why she wouldn't want to think about it that way.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that she doesn't want me.
She will, and I know that. Because I've never doubted that my 'kaa-chan and Papa love me - not on my own, at least. I have moments, once in awhile, where I wonder ... But then, who doesn't?
So she will love me. Because she's 'kaa-san, and 'kaa-san loves me. But for now, she's Usagi-chan, and Usagi-chan has better things to do than love the bratty little kid who's always demanding her attention.
No matter how much I love her.
I love her because she makes me feel normal. Because she shows me that 'kaa-san wasn't always perfect, that she got in trouble and struggled at school too. She shows me that being a princess, being a Senshi, isn't about being perfect.
But she's still not my 'kaa-san yet. Yet.
No matter how much I want her to be.
In other news, psyco_chick32 inspired a drabble out of me. And it's not even PR! -Mock gasp-
It's kind of random and not very good, but it sort of tempts me to try some more along this line of thought, maybe from other points of view.
Fandom/: Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon, somewhere in the R through SuperS seasons.
Characters/: Chibi-Usa
Pairings/: Usagi/Neo-Queen Serenity/Mamoru/King Endymion
Rating/: K
Disclaimer/: Trust me, if this were my playground, we'd have seen a lot more of the manga story in the beginning of the anime. 'Cause damn it, Usagi and Mamoru loved each other *before* they knew each other's secret identities/past lives, and that's important. Also, Rei never dated Mamoru, never *should* have dated Mamoru, and you cannot convince me otherwise.
Summary/: Usagi may be Neo-Queen Serenity in the future, but Chibi-Usa knows better than anyone that she's not that person yet.
Warnings/: Slight angst, maybe. That's about it.
Author's Notes/: psyco_chick32 wrote a lovely story for a prompt I gave her called Memories in a Stone. Her response to my comment caught my attention, and inspired ... this. So, this one's for you, sweetie. ^_~
I always laughed at that in the anime, the idea that they can't stand each other, but that Chibi-Usa absolutely adores her mother; the disconnect there is really intriguing to me, LOL
She's not 'kaa-san.
She's not.
She whines and complains and never wants to do what she's told. She pushes off her Senshi duties to eat ice cream and spent time with Mamo-chan. She ignores her homework. She eats too much. She sleeps in class. She's always tripping and wailing and screeching.
'kaa-san is tall, elegant and graceful. Her smile can make anyone feel better. She's always kind and gentle, so soft-spoken and sweet. She says that nothing is more important than her people, for without people there is no kingdom. No Silver Millenium.
Except for me, of course. She always says it with a sweet smile, love in her eyes as she watches me. She never looks at anyone else the way she looks at me.
Well, no one else except for Papa, but even that look isn't quite the same.
It's different with Mamo-chan. He's not *quite* right, but he still looks at me with that expression between awe and love; like he can't quite believe I'm real. He still protects me and spoils me. Still watches over us both with that same warm, loving look. Still hugs me when I'm sad.
Usagi-chan isn't my 'kaa-san. 'kaa-san doesn't fight, and while she complains about it, Usagi-chan *is* still Sailormoon. 'kaa-san never loses that elegance, that calm presence that makes everyone love her. Usagi-chan is graceless and noisy and cries loud enough to break my eardrums.
'kaa-san knows when I'm sad and gives me hugs and kisses to make me feel better. She fusses when I'm sick and feeds me sweets for an afternoon snack while we talk about our days. She smiles when she sees me and always puts aside whatever she's doing to talk to me, unless it absolutely can't wait for later. And even then, she'll still stop to tell me when to come back.
Usagi-chan only notices me when I *make* her notice me. When I pick fights, when I interrupt her time with Mamo-chan. When I steal her snacks and mock her for the homework she hasn't done yet. When I call her names. When Chibi-moon is in trouble.
It hurts her. I can tell, because no matter how much she glares at me, her eyes show what she really feels. She yells back because I hurt her, because she's angry and upset that her own daughter - not yet, but some day - would treat her that way. Because I'm a brat, as she likes to insist.
But I don't care. Because as long as she's screaming and making faces at me, she's looking at *me*. Not Mamo-chan, not the Senshi, not someone else. But *me*. Chibi-Usa.
And it *is* fun sometimes, picking on her. There's no one to fight with at home, no one to tease and shout at. Princess don't shout. They don't run down the street, throw things at their friends and pig out while watching television.
Well. *This* one doesn't. Sometimes it's easy to forget that technically Usagi-chan is a princess, too - or at least she used to be.
But more than anything, I just want her to see me. To pay attention to me.
To love me.
She's not 'kaa-san. Not yet, anyway. And I know, even if she'd never admit it, that the idea of being a mother scares her, even if it's only something that will happen someday. She's only fifteen, after all. I can understand why she wouldn't want to think about it that way.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that she doesn't want me.
She will, and I know that. Because I've never doubted that my 'kaa-chan and Papa love me - not on my own, at least. I have moments, once in awhile, where I wonder ... But then, who doesn't?
So she will love me. Because she's 'kaa-san, and 'kaa-san loves me. But for now, she's Usagi-chan, and Usagi-chan has better things to do than love the bratty little kid who's always demanding her attention.
No matter how much I love her.
I love her because she makes me feel normal. Because she shows me that 'kaa-san wasn't always perfect, that she got in trouble and struggled at school too. She shows me that being a princess, being a Senshi, isn't about being perfect.
But she's still not my 'kaa-san yet. Yet.
No matter how much I want her to be.