Bullying, Homophobia, Suicide, and Life in the Closet
But, you might say, they must have had other problems. I mean, the kid you just mentioned committed suicide only three days later. For that, I want you to take something into consideration:
This is not the only thing that happened to him. No matter what his sexual orientation was, he was effectively in the closet about sleeping with other men. I don't know if he was gay, bi, pan, or just confused and trying to figure things out, but it's none of our business. The point is, figuring things out or being in the closet on the whole is a huge emotional thing. You fear people might find out. You're suppressing part of yourself. If you've never experienced being in the closet, let me explain out it feels. Pick a time you kept a secret from your parents. Even just a little thing. Maybe you hid the fact that you didn't do well on a test. Or you had a drink at a party. If you don't get along with your parents, do this exercise using a friend in the parent's place. Now, remember how you felt when you were worried they'd find out? Imagine that add in the worry of being completely rejected instead of just getting in trouble. Finally, imagine that it would possibly come up constantly so you need to be good at hiding it. Which you do for years or possibly decades. That is the turmoil of being in the closet.
- Originally posted by arytra
I'm not the sort of person who typically gets upset over loss of life. It makes me sad, but I don't get depressed or teary-eyed over death. (There are two exceptions to this: my grandmother, who is and always will be my hero, and a friend I had in high school who died a week after he graduated.) I'm not sure if this is because of my beliefs, or just because it doesn't affect me for some reason.
That being said, every time I think of the six boys who committed suicide due to bullying and homophobia, I find myself in tears.
I've never been bullied in the sense that anyone actively tried to hurt me. I've been ignored and dismissed, because I'm not 'cool' enough to fit in. I've been ditched and hurt and hurt others, but not bullied.
I have, however, been in the position of being in the closet about my sexuality. I've felt the confusion of trying to understand who or what I've been attracted to. Sometimes I still feel that way. For years, people assumed I'm a lesbian for reasons unknown to me, because I give off some sort of 'vibe' I'm not aware of. It got to the point that I refused to believe I could be attracted to girls because I didn't want them to be right. I wanted to prove them wrong. It took me years to understand bisexuality, let alone that *I* am. Sometimes I'm still afraid that I'll end up in a relationship one day that will make people assume I've 'chosen' my sexuality.
I also have very severe issues with suicide. Some of it lies in the fact that I used to be suicidal. A lot of it lies in the fact that people very close to me have tried, or thought about trying. Just the thought of suicide as a concept ... -Swallows hard and blinks for a few moments-
I'm incredibly lucky. In the days when I *was* confused, and afraid, and just coming out of the closet, and even contemplating suicide, I made my Blowing Smoke posts. And Bad Things came of it. But more importantly, I discovered that I have a support system I had never imagined. I have friends who love me, who believe in me, who listen and give advice and make me feel good about myself. I discovered that my older sister is amazing, and that I can count her to support me when I'd never thought that she would before. I have my HeartSibs, and I have my Phoenix Family. And I can believe that I'm a person worth knowing, worth surviving for other people to have the chance to know.
The thought that someone else didn't have that support, didn't have that belief anymore ...
It's not because they were so young that I'm upset. It bothers me, but not as much as other things do. I'm upset because they were so lost, in so much pain, and they believed there was no other way. I'm upset because there are so many memories this brings up for me, which is selfish and painful at the same time, and I have to remind myself that it's not selfish to be upset.
My heart breaks.
Be at peace, boys. I hope you find love, and happiness, and joy, wherever your journey may take you from here. I hope that others will learn from what's happened to you, that people will start to pay attention. That people will reach out to others, and create more support systems like the one I am blessed to have.
arytra also mentioned the idea that there should be something like Big Brothers, Big Sisters for the gay community. I agree whole-heartedly. I think we all need to pull together, to fight for our faith in each other, our love for who and what we are, how we feel, and what rights we may have in the future. If someone *does* manage to put something together for this, I am absolutely on board. Without question.
Even if it does feel like it's just too little, too late.
This is not the only thing that happened to him. No matter what his sexual orientation was, he was effectively in the closet about sleeping with other men. I don't know if he was gay, bi, pan, or just confused and trying to figure things out, but it's none of our business. The point is, figuring things out or being in the closet on the whole is a huge emotional thing. You fear people might find out. You're suppressing part of yourself. If you've never experienced being in the closet, let me explain out it feels. Pick a time you kept a secret from your parents. Even just a little thing. Maybe you hid the fact that you didn't do well on a test. Or you had a drink at a party. If you don't get along with your parents, do this exercise using a friend in the parent's place. Now, remember how you felt when you were worried they'd find out? Imagine that add in the worry of being completely rejected instead of just getting in trouble. Finally, imagine that it would possibly come up constantly so you need to be good at hiding it. Which you do for years or possibly decades. That is the turmoil of being in the closet.
- Originally posted by arytra
I'm not the sort of person who typically gets upset over loss of life. It makes me sad, but I don't get depressed or teary-eyed over death. (There are two exceptions to this: my grandmother, who is and always will be my hero, and a friend I had in high school who died a week after he graduated.) I'm not sure if this is because of my beliefs, or just because it doesn't affect me for some reason.
That being said, every time I think of the six boys who committed suicide due to bullying and homophobia, I find myself in tears.
I've never been bullied in the sense that anyone actively tried to hurt me. I've been ignored and dismissed, because I'm not 'cool' enough to fit in. I've been ditched and hurt and hurt others, but not bullied.
I have, however, been in the position of being in the closet about my sexuality. I've felt the confusion of trying to understand who or what I've been attracted to. Sometimes I still feel that way. For years, people assumed I'm a lesbian for reasons unknown to me, because I give off some sort of 'vibe' I'm not aware of. It got to the point that I refused to believe I could be attracted to girls because I didn't want them to be right. I wanted to prove them wrong. It took me years to understand bisexuality, let alone that *I* am. Sometimes I'm still afraid that I'll end up in a relationship one day that will make people assume I've 'chosen' my sexuality.
I also have very severe issues with suicide. Some of it lies in the fact that I used to be suicidal. A lot of it lies in the fact that people very close to me have tried, or thought about trying. Just the thought of suicide as a concept ... -Swallows hard and blinks for a few moments-
I'm incredibly lucky. In the days when I *was* confused, and afraid, and just coming out of the closet, and even contemplating suicide, I made my Blowing Smoke posts. And Bad Things came of it. But more importantly, I discovered that I have a support system I had never imagined. I have friends who love me, who believe in me, who listen and give advice and make me feel good about myself. I discovered that my older sister is amazing, and that I can count her to support me when I'd never thought that she would before. I have my HeartSibs, and I have my Phoenix Family. And I can believe that I'm a person worth knowing, worth surviving for other people to have the chance to know.
The thought that someone else didn't have that support, didn't have that belief anymore ...
It's not because they were so young that I'm upset. It bothers me, but not as much as other things do. I'm upset because they were so lost, in so much pain, and they believed there was no other way. I'm upset because there are so many memories this brings up for me, which is selfish and painful at the same time, and I have to remind myself that it's not selfish to be upset.
My heart breaks.
Be at peace, boys. I hope you find love, and happiness, and joy, wherever your journey may take you from here. I hope that others will learn from what's happened to you, that people will start to pay attention. That people will reach out to others, and create more support systems like the one I am blessed to have.
arytra also mentioned the idea that there should be something like Big Brothers, Big Sisters for the gay community. I agree whole-heartedly. I think we all need to pull together, to fight for our faith in each other, our love for who and what we are, how we feel, and what rights we may have in the future. If someone *does* manage to put something together for this, I am absolutely on board. Without question.
Even if it does feel like it's just too little, too late.