The Five Stages of Grief
The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
I never thought they would apply to me. I’m sure I’ve gone through them before, in parts or all together. But not like this.
Never like this.
Of course because it’s me, I don’t do things in the ‘proper’ order. At least I think I don’t. Some of them could be argued, I’m sure.
Anger: Upon leaving my doctor’s appointment, I informed my brother I needed to kill something. Repeatedly. He offered to let me borrow his computer to play Half-Life. I told him that wasn’t going to cut it.
Denial: I was awake until 5:30 this morning on the computer, chatting and reading fanfiction. Arguably I was also at this stage while still *in* the doctor’s office, with the recurring thought of ‘Are you kidding me?!’ shortly before a brief moment of numbness set in, followed by the raging fury.
Depression: I was mostly okay when I woke up this morning. A little sad, but I was in the process of remedying this situation by reading more fanfiction. Mostly Supernatural and Thunderbirds sibling fluff, as this is usually my standard cheer-up method. I also use PR if it’s available, but there is *really* not enough sibling fluff out there, especially in the world of PR.
This was probably a mistake.
Now … I’m not so much depressed as sad and hurt.
I know I can’t expect people to react to things the way I want them to. And I’m overwhelmed by the love and support I’ve already gotten from my fandom friends. It’s been wonderful, and I’m grateful. It means more than I can say. ♥
But there are always people in your life whose opinions mean more than you’d like to admit, sometimes more than you want them to. And when their definition of being reassuring isn’t yours, well …
I know this person cares. I know that. But they don’t really know me, which is my own fault as much as it’s theirs. So they don’t know exactly what I’m feeling right now to know what it is I really needed to hear. So they say what they think will help, assuming that it will.
And that hurts even more than not saying anything at all.
Sometimes saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes saying the wrong thing is even more painful than simply being speechless.
Sometimes there really are no right answers.
And sometimes, that’s the worst answer of all.
I don’t know when I’ll hit Bargaining, or if I even will. It’s not really my style, as it conflicts with my personal beliefs about Fate and Karma. And making your own Destiny. Acceptance … I’m working my way into that.
In the meantime, I’m going to nurse my coffee and chocolate, listen to emo music, and read some hurt/comfort fics for awhile. Maybe I’ll write something later. For now …
I think I’ll just be for awhile.
I never thought they would apply to me. I’m sure I’ve gone through them before, in parts or all together. But not like this.
Never like this.
Of course because it’s me, I don’t do things in the ‘proper’ order. At least I think I don’t. Some of them could be argued, I’m sure.
Anger: Upon leaving my doctor’s appointment, I informed my brother I needed to kill something. Repeatedly. He offered to let me borrow his computer to play Half-Life. I told him that wasn’t going to cut it.
Denial: I was awake until 5:30 this morning on the computer, chatting and reading fanfiction. Arguably I was also at this stage while still *in* the doctor’s office, with the recurring thought of ‘Are you kidding me?!’ shortly before a brief moment of numbness set in, followed by the raging fury.
Depression: I was mostly okay when I woke up this morning. A little sad, but I was in the process of remedying this situation by reading more fanfiction. Mostly Supernatural and Thunderbirds sibling fluff, as this is usually my standard cheer-up method. I also use PR if it’s available, but there is *really* not enough sibling fluff out there, especially in the world of PR.
This was probably a mistake.
Now … I’m not so much depressed as sad and hurt.
I know I can’t expect people to react to things the way I want them to. And I’m overwhelmed by the love and support I’ve already gotten from my fandom friends. It’s been wonderful, and I’m grateful. It means more than I can say. ♥
But there are always people in your life whose opinions mean more than you’d like to admit, sometimes more than you want them to. And when their definition of being reassuring isn’t yours, well …
I know this person cares. I know that. But they don’t really know me, which is my own fault as much as it’s theirs. So they don’t know exactly what I’m feeling right now to know what it is I really needed to hear. So they say what they think will help, assuming that it will.
And that hurts even more than not saying anything at all.
Sometimes saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes saying the wrong thing is even more painful than simply being speechless.
Sometimes there really are no right answers.
And sometimes, that’s the worst answer of all.
I don’t know when I’ll hit Bargaining, or if I even will. It’s not really my style, as it conflicts with my personal beliefs about Fate and Karma. And making your own Destiny. Acceptance … I’m working my way into that.
In the meantime, I’m going to nurse my coffee and chocolate, listen to emo music, and read some hurt/comfort fics for awhile. Maybe I’ll write something later. For now …
I think I’ll just be for awhile.