Jealousy [oneshot]
Title: Jealousy
Pairing: Toma x Yamapi
Rating: PG
Genre: romance, angst(?)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the johnnys and neither does Johnny-san cause they are people! I only own the story~♥
Word count: 8571(!!)
Summary: We learn to love not when we find the perfect person, but when we get to see as perfect an imperfect person.
A/N: That phrase is not mine, I just read it in a calendar and it didn't say who did originally say it, so I can't give credits =s But I really really liked it! And it kind of fitted the story xD
Again: please tell me if you catch any grammar mistake or anything! I'm learning English so any comment about it would really help me~! =)
Such a long time had passed since the last chance he had to see Toma. It was routine; they would meet frequently for a couple days and then they would see each other once a month for half a year. He should be used to it, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to; it would be like loving him a little less, like betraying him.
But Yamapi knew how to make time for Toma. It was like a secret plan: he would work really hard for a week or so, changing his appointments, fulfilling as many of them as possible on the same day, so that he could have a free day at the end of the week.
But actually it wasn’t so secret; Toma knew. It wasn’t hard to realize, he just had to link the points together; Yamapi would suddenly visit him, to his apartment or during a break from filming, but would look so tired that he would have to take him home before his friend would fall asleep on him. After that, Toma would feel guilty -he didn’t know why-, slightly sad but at the same time so happy because it showed just how much Yamapi wanted to be with him.
It wasn’t intended to be different this time. Yamapi had just finished filming his latest drama; everything went perfectly smooth and with that came all the new interviews and photoshoots for the usual magazines. He worked hard -the staff praised him and patted his shoulder telling him to take things easily- and so he got his deserved free day.
Without a second thought he went to Toma’s recording set. The staff greeted him with accustomed familiarity and sent him off to wait at Ikuta’s changing room. He thanked them with a kind smile and a nod and left. He quietly sat on a chair inside the room and patiently waited.
Well, maybe not so patiently.
“To~ma, hurry.” He grunted as he lay back on the chair and pouted. Right now, Toma was probably filming a scene with Matsujun. It wasn’t fair! Why Matsumoto could act together with Toma but Yamapi couldn’t?! Lucky bastard. He closed his eyes just for a second, his lips relaxing, before opening them again. He looked at the door but seeing no one came he closed his eyes again but this time he fell asleep. After such excruciating week of work, keeping his eyes open was a hard task and he only managed to do when the promise of seeing Toma was present.
Toma finally finished filming the takes for the day. It was so tiring; he just wanted to go home and sleep off the rest of the evening. But the staff told him Yamashita was waiting for him on his dressing room. So he smiled to himself and immediately went off to meet him. Walking hurriedly he finally reached the room and opened the door enthusiastically.
“Hey, Tomo-“he froze, surprised, before letting out a chuckle and approaching Pi. “Tomohisa” he whispered in the other’s ear. Yamapi just moved his head slightly away from the bothering sound. It didn’t matter how many times he got the chance to see his sleeping face; he never got tired of it, even less bored. Toma smirked and then licked Yamapi’s jaw line.
“What the--!” the younger man jerked awake, sitting up straight and hitting his head against Toma’s; both groaned in pain.
“Don’t wake up like that!” the older complained rubbing his head. The tease had backfired again; even so he would still try again next time.
“Whose fault was that?!”
Toma sighed but smiled nevertheless, lying against the wall as the only chair in the room was occupied. It was never boring with Tomohisa, it would even make him forget about his fatigue.
“What are you doing here?”
“Mh, I had some free time this evening so… I wanted to see you” he finished nonchalantly looking up to a smiling Toma. He couldn’t help but slightly smile too; it was contagious.
“Free time? It’s not free time; you should be sleeping right now.”
“I was” Pi glared with no malice, “until someone woke me up.” The younger knew Toma was right but, like this, staying awake was worth.
“Eh? Now it’s my fault?”
“It is” he deadpanned.
“Then… go back to sleep” Toma replied indifferently and headed to the door. “I’m leaving.”
“Toma!” Pi whined and stood up before a knock on the door interrupted them.
Toma was closer so he answered it forgetting all about the joke. He smiled to the person outside and Yamapi wondered who it could be. The older stepped out of the room, almost closing the door behind him, and started talking cheerfully to the other person. Yamapi frowned feeling ignored and tried to hear what Toma was talking, but before he could get closer enough the door opened and Toma came in. Together with Matsumoto. They glared at each other but Toma was used to Pi’s jealously so he just ignored it.
“ Yamapi, I had promised Matsujun that I would go out for a couple drinks with him after filming” Toma explained slightly guilty. He knew Tomohisa wouldn’t take it in a good way, he could understand, but he couldn’t take back his promise.
“But it’s the only day I have free that actually matches yours!” The younger man complained, disappointment, hurt and angriness mixing in his face.
“I know, I know, but we agreed before you came. If you had called before coming or something… I really didn’t know you would come today” Toma excused himself apologetically. “But Matsujun said that you could come with us if you wanted to” he suggested with a hopeful smile. But the answer was already hanging in the air. He knew the answer even before asking.
“I don’t want to” Pi grumbled giving Toma a hard look. Saying he was jealous was an understatement.
“Jun, can you give us a couple seconds alone?” Toma asked him. He was getting a little exasperated with Yamapi’s childish behavior. They were grown man; couldn’t he act a little more like one and stop being so self-centered?
Matsujun patted sympathetically Toma’s shoulder before frowning disapprovingly at Pi and leaving the room.
“Tomo, stop acting like that” Toma tiredly reprimanded him. “Why won’t you come with us?”
“Cause I don’t wanna!” Pi shouted annoyed. Why couldn’t Toma understand that he wanted to spend his little free time only with him?! Not with that Matsumoto!
“I give a damn!” the older shouted back. “I don’t wanna have to stand you and your stupid tantrums, Yamashita!” he spitted out angrily. A part of him regretted saying that, but his exhaustion and rage didn’t allow him to stop.
“Why didn’t you say so before?!” Pi shouted again pushing Toma against the wall, but then smiled bitterly, hurt lacing his voice. “I guess I’m much more annoying than your friends, aren’t I?” he almost whispered, his eyes never wandering away from Toma’s. “Do you really prefer your friends so much more than me?!” he screamed at the older boy, who flinched but immediately composed himself.
“Don’t make me choose between you and my friends” Toma spitted seriously, almost coldly.
Because I would lose, right? Yamapi thought bitterly but didn’t back away, even though Toma’s gaze was piercing him.
“Do you actually love me?!” Toma lost it and started shouting, too, making Yamapi flinch slightly when he slapped away the hands that held him by the shoulders. “If you did you would thrust me!” Pi lost his composure and it surely showed on his face, but he immediately hided it. It had hurt so much. Those words. How could he doubt his love for him?
“I do love you! But if you love Matsumoto so much more why don’t you just go out with him and dump me already!” he shouted, feigning strength like a hurt and cornered animal that knows the only thing awaiting him is just more pain. Those caught by fear feel weak and therefore attack even those who just want to do them good.
“If that’s what you want” Toma said coldly and pushed a stunned Yamapi out of his way and left the room.
I’m such an idiot. Yamapi slumped against the wall, his eyes closed and his hand clutching the shirt at his chest.
He loved Toma so much that it hurt. That was the reason why he always acted like that. He felt unsecure, so afraid of losing Toma, but in the end that just made things worse. He didn’t want to be such an awful lover, but just seeing Toma with someone else would make him feel uncomfortable, scared, like any of his friends could take him away from him.
But it was his own fault that he lost Toma. He didn’t want to hurt him. All the things Yamapi said… he didn’t want to say them, but it was already too late. He had hurt Toma so he deserved the pain he was feeling. He deserved Toma’s harsh words and his cold stares.
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Maybe it wasn’t too late already; maybe he still had time to fix things up with Toma. Yamapi lifted himself up from the floor and went off in search of Toma. He slid through the set, asking anyone that crossed his path if they had seen Toma in the last minutes.
“Yeah, I saw him a minute ago. I think he was headed to Matsumoto-san’s dressing room” finally one of the staff members hinted him. He asked the same man where that was and immediately took off.
Right, forward, left and right, second door. Yamapi walked hurriedly through the corridors, turning in each indicated corner until he saw - few meters away- the door that was supposed to lead to Matsumoto’s dressing room.
He slowed down slightly thinking of the proper way of apologizing to his friend and lover. If he didn’t do it properly he was screwed up. Well, more than he already was. He took a deep breath and -letting it go- approached the door. He saw it wasn’t completely closed so he didn’t doubt it before peeking to get in and maybe annoy Matsumoto a little bit. He froze in his place before he could even set a single foot inside the room. His hands started shaking slightly and he fought the tears that stung in his eyes. He jerked his face away, blinking the tears away, and walked back until the wall next to the door supported him.
Toma was… he kissed Matsumoto.
A lump formed in his throat and Yamapi tried hard to swallow it together with the ache in his chest. Did that mean that… what Toma had said before… was actually true? Did he really love Matsumoto more than him? He didn’t want to be dumped! He loved Toma! He didn’t want to leave him! Yamapi rubbed his hair furiously in exasperation.
This can’t be happening.
He jerked up when the door suddenly opened completely and from there both young men walked out of the room. Toma spotted him at the side and utter shock and fear showed on his face.
“T-Tomo! What are you doing here?” he stood in front of him.
Yamapi opened his mouth and tried to reply, to talk, but no words came out. He tightly closed his eyes before opening them again. Toma was looking straight at him with great worry in his eyes. Yamapi looked down for a second, hiding his grimace, and then looked back at Toma.
“I-I wanted to apologize!” Pi blurted out and could see how Toma relaxed slightly, almost sighing. Matsumoto just stood there, next to Toma, watching both of them.
“I’m not sure I can forgive you” the older teased with a smile on his face.
Neither I.
Toma noted that Yamapi looked really beaten so he didn’t push the teasing forward. Pi looked so broken, like a train had just run over him. Did he actually saw him and Matsujun?
“Are you okay, Tomo?”
“Uhm, yeah, if you forgive me” Pi gave him a weak smile that almost reached his eyes. Almost. Probably Yamapi didn’t saw them, Toma tried to relax and convince himself. Pi wouldn’t act that way if he did. He would have at least cried; it was what he would expect but Pi hadn’t shed a single tear and even though his eyes were shiny they weren’t red. Or maybe he would have shouted but nothing of the sort happened.
Pi just stood in front of him, hands slightly shaking, so Toma just gave the final step that closed the distance between them and hugged him.
Yamapi hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around the older and snuggling on his neck for comfort. He would forgive him. He could forgive. But it would be hard to forget. He tightened his hold for a second before letting go.
“Matsujun and I were just gonna go out, are you sure you don’t wanna go?” Toma asked him, hand on his shoulder.
“Ehm, no, thanks” Yamapi declined with a tired smile, “I’m gonna go back home. I’m tired.”
“Oh, okay.” Toma looked kind of disappointed but Pi didn’t have strength enough inside himself to do anything about it. “Send me a message when you get home, just in case, okay?”
“Yeah, sure” Pi nodded and turned away, walking through those same corridors that a couple minutes ago seemed just normal but that now felt eternal, like walking through a desert ; there was nothing and that was the problem. Yamapi felt empty. He felt lonely.
He kept walking, never looking back until he reached his car. He fished on his pocket for the key, opened the car and got inside.
“Toma” he whispered, resting his head against the seat. His eyes were closed, his breath even. He couldn’t forget those images, like photos repeating over and over again. He hunched, grabbing his head between his hands and groaned. Things weren’t going fine. He couldn’t go back home. He didn’t want to sleep. He couldn’t; the images would get more vivid in his dreams. He had to run away.
Yamapi took a deep breath once again as he sat up straight. He shoved his hand inside his pocket, searching for his cellphone and opened it after founding it. He started the engine and drove off as he pressed the buttons on his cellphone. He called.
“Hey Jin, Yamapi desu” he spoke softly while he drove carefully, stopping at a red light.
“Oh, hey there, Pi!” the other greeted cheerfully. Yamapi could almost see him smiling and -unconsciously- he smiled too.
“Are you home?”
“Home? Not yet.” Jin answered and asked slowly “why?”
“I… I’m free right now, so I wondered if I might crash at your place? Just for tonight” he almost begged because of the tone of his voice.
Jin frowned even though the other couldn’t see. What’s going on?
“Yeah, sure” he answered quietly. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“Okay, then. Why don’t you pick me up? I’m at the Jimusho right now, I’m almost finished” he suggested trying to sound more cheerful. He even smiled, not remembering that Yamapi actually couldn’t see him.
“Okay, I’m on the way.” He hung up, turning his cellphone off, and focused only on the road, attempting to put his mind blank.
But he couldn’t. He couldn’t! He felt so incredibly frustrated; he wanted to scream his heart out. But he was Yamashita Tomohisa, great, tranquil and cool idol. Johnny-san would have his head if paparazzi caught him screaming on the street.
Lights passed by at his side like slow shooting stars. Red, stop, green, go, stop, go, turn, go, stop and go again. His heart started feeling number as minutes went by and he was grateful for it.
It was late evening and the traffic was slightly heavy but fortunately he only got a few minutes late to pick up Jin, who was already waiting in front of the Jimusho by the time Pi arrived. His friend saw him and smiling got into the car.
“Pi! How’s everything?” he greeted closing the door and patting Pi on the shoulder with a goofy smile on his face.
“Fine. What about you?” the younger smiled softly so that Jin wouldn’t ask further. He didn’t feel like talking about it. “How was work?”
“Ah~ Really tiring!” Jin stretched on the seat almost punching Yamapi who evaded it just in time. “What about some beers? Let’s buy them on the way.”
“Yeah, sure. I like the idea” Pi winked at him feeling more cheer up and Jin’s smile widened immensely seeing the change.
They did as planned, buying the drinks and something to eat along the way, and once in Jin’s apartment they just sat on the sofa with both things in hand and watched anything that caught their attention on the tv. Neither of them talked more than some random comments from Jin about what they were watching.
Jin was dying to know what had happened with Pi but seeing the other trying so hard to focus on the tv and nothing else made him choose not to ask. Maybe Yamapi would start talking whenever he felt like it and Jin, as a friend, felt the obligation of waiting for it. He just wanted to help him and knew that if he asked he may hurt him and make things worse so he just tried to act normal and cheer him up. Even if he didn’t know what was the problem.
There was nothing good on tv so Jin kept changing the channel over and over again almost unconsciously.
We should have rented a movie.
Jin sighed resigned but stilled for a second when he felt a bump against his shoulder. He immediately looked to the side to see Yamapi sleeping against him. He smiled softly and patted his head. It was odd for Yamapi to have a free day, even a free evening was strange, so Jin wondered why he just dropped at his apartment if he was so tired. He was intrigued to know what happened so he started guessing, but the reasons he thought off were too strange even for his own mind that he just dropped the whole matter.
Jin returned his attention to the screen and kept zapping from channel to channel until he got so bored he could fall asleep if it weren’t for the fact that he was starting to feel numb due to the uncomfortable position. He looked to the side to see Pi still sleeping the same way. He didn’t want to wake him up but if he just let him like that the next morning they would be so sore and numb they would not even be able to walk to the bathroom.
Jin sighed and poked Yamapi on the arm over and over again, each time with more strenght, chuckling at the scowl the younger had on his face.
“Pi~ Wake up. Let’s go to bed. It’s more comfy.”
“Okay, okay” Pi grumbled getting up. “I think you just made a hole in my arm.” He tried to glare at Jin to add emphasis but he was so sleepy that he just couldn’t do it properly because the older started laughing at him.
“What are you trying to do with your eyes?” Jin laughed holding his stomach as they walked to his room. God, he should have taken a photo of Pi with that face a second ago! It would have been good for blackmailing; he looked like a drunken kicked puppy.
He grabbed a couple of shirts and lose shorts from the wardrobe and tossed one of each to Pi who was already lying face down on the mattress.
“Come on. Change and then you can go to sleep.”
Yamapi grumbled -something, that Jin supposed was a muffled “okay~”- and getting up he grabbed the clothes. They both changed on the same room, used to it after years of friendship, and slid under the covers, sheets up to their necks. Pi turned his back to Jin and tried to fall asleep again. But it turned to be a difficult task; when he closed his eyes he didn’t see the images of Toma kissing Matsumoto -thankfully- but even so the feelings from that time would took control over him again, more faintly than the first time. He tossed over on the bed a thousand times, not feeling comfortable in any position until Jin stopped him by embracing him from behind.
“Pi, stop moving! I wanna sleep~” He whined on his shoulder and squeezed him once. Yamapi laughed low on his throat and closed his eyes putting one of his hands over Jin’s hand on his chest.
“Sorry” he mumbled sleepy. The heavy feeling from before left him when Jin took hold of his hand and jokingly blow air on his ear.
“Just sleep.”
And he did as he was told.
Morning came way too fast for both of them, being woken up by the noisy ringing of Jin’s cellphone. He reached for it with closed eyes, knocking over the alarm clock, and answered the call without looking at the ID.
“Yes?”
“Jin, time to wake up” greeted the monotonous voice on the other side.
“Kame?” Jin sat up on the bed. “Umh, what time is it?” he grumbled, taking the clock and looking dazedly at it. 6… 6:31? He blinked trying to see clearer. “How did you…” damn! What was the word?
“¿How did I know you didn’t set your alarm clock and wouldn’t wake up on time?”
“Umh, yeah” Jin answered awkwardly messing his hair. Yamapi looked at him amusedly from between the sheets.
“Well, you left with Yamapi and each time that happens the next day you never get to work in time” he explained and Jin almost could see Kame rolling his eyes at the end. He sounded almost jealous.
“Sorry, sorry, but thanks anyway~” he stood up and searched for a change of clothes. “I’ll be in time, don’t worry~” he winked even though he was on the phone and this time was Yamapi who rolled his eyes but with a smile. He hung up and picked up all the clothes he needed.
“I’m gonna take a bath, Pi. What ‘bout you?” he asked from the door.
“I’ll just dress up. Take your time.”
“Okay, then.” And he left for the bathroom.
Yamapi got out of bed and took off the shirt Jin lend him the night before. He took his own clothes and dressed up. He grabbed his cellphone from the bed table and turned it on as he walked to the kitchen.
He looked at the screen and frowned.
You have 7 missed calls.
You have 4 new messages.
Yamapi automatically pressed some buttons and read the messages. All were somewhat the same with slightly variants and more exclamation signs. All from Toma. Crap. He had completely forgotten to call him when he got to Jin’s department.
“What’s with that face, Pi?” asked Jin coming into the room as he dried his hair with a towel.
“Oh, nothing.” He closed his cellphone. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah!” he tossed the towel inside the bathroom and walked back smiling to Pi who was waiting for him at the door. “Let’s go! I don’t wanna be late or Kame will scold me all morning!” he whined walking out of the door. Yamapi rolled his eyes and snorted, following him out.
Fortunately, they arrived at the Jimusho just in time, but even so Kame glared at Jin who stupidly feigned he didn’t notice it gaining a smack on the head from the younger.
Pi parted ways with them and headed to NEWS’ room thinking that after it he had a photoshoot to do and then film some advertising and then a lot more work, when suddenly someone grabbed his wrist and slammed him against the wall of the hall. He closed his eyes wincing at the pain in his head and immediately lifted his free hand to rub the spot.
“You idiot! Why didn’t you answer your cellphone?!” Toma shouted angrily at him not letting go of his wrist. Pi frowned registering what was happening and then shook off the painful hold from him.
“I forgot!” he replied indignantly pushing him away. What the hell was wrong with him?! It was just a mistake! He just forgot! It wasn’t reason enough to act so madly.
“You know, I was worried!” Toma grabbed him by the shoulders pushing him back again against the wall.
“Stop pushing me! It hurts!” Pi complained wriggling under the hold of both hands against his shoulders, which didn’t even bulge. Some johnny’s that were passing by looked at them but kept going -though a little slower- curious about the shouts. Even so they both ignored them too busy glaring at each other to notice anything around them.
“Where did you go last night?” Toma hissed. “I went to your apartment and you weren’t there. You lied” he deadpanned.
“I didn’t lie. I was gonna go home when I talked to you but then I changed my mind” Pi explained with a tone just as cold as Toma’s.
“Then where did you go?”
“…to Jin’s apartment.” Yamapi replied after a moment looking to the side for a second before looking back into Toma’s eyes. He was glaring at him.
“You complain so much about me and Matsujun but you and Jin are even more suspicious! I don’t sleep over at Matsujun’s place! You probably have already slept with Jin, haven’t you?” Toma hissed truly pissed off. He was so jealous at the moment that he didn’t even notice what he was saying until he saw the hurt and shock in Yamapi’s eyes. He immediately regretted it.
“Don’t ever dare to say that again!” Yamapi screamed pushing Toma off him, swallowing the lump in his throat and blinking his tears away; those tears that he didn’t even know if they were because of the immense rage or the deep hurt. He felt so… disappointed. “You sure don’t give me any credit” he snorted talking more to himself than to the other. “Jin is my best friend” he explained calmly, looking straight into Toma’s eyes. “You were gonna spend the night with your best friend, why should I have spend my free day alone at home?” he questioned with cold sadness.
Toma lost himself in his eyes for a second before reaching for Yamapi to hug him. Pi, taken aback and utterly confused, stilled in the embrace. He didn’t know whether to hug him back or push him away. To forgive him again or to leave.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said” he apologized in a whisper, making Yamapi shiver. Reluctantly, the younger hugged him back. Toma moved slightly away to look at Yamapi and inched closer to kiss him.
But when their lips touched Pi immediately backed away wincing.
“W-What’s wrong?” the older asked confused and a bit worried.
“Oh, nothing, nothing” Yamapi smiled hurriedly and patted Toma on the side of the arm. “I gotta go! I’m already late, let’s talk later, okay? I don’t want Ryo to kill me~” he joked and walked away backwards while waving at Toma.
“Uhm, okay” he nodded and Pi winked at him and turned away. Toma smiled contently and walked to do his own work.
He wanted to relax, to convince himself that everything was fine between him and Tomohisa but something on the back of his mind told him otherwise. Even so he just ignored and kept behaving almost as always; he would pay more attention to Tomohisa. No more fights for a while, he hoped.
Meanwhile Pi just focused on work and nothing else. He was working especially efficiently and everyone in NEWS and the staff congratulated him really pleased by the contagious enthusiasm he showed, to exception of Ryo who just eyed him suspiciously. But even so Yamapi just smiled and winked at them, pleased himself with the praises and because of that -little by little- he forgot the fight with Toma.
“Are you okay, Pi?” asked Ryo feigning disinterest. But Yamapi knew better and he was really glad to have such awesome friends as Jin and Ryo.
“Yeah, why do you ask? Is it that weird to see me working so hard?” he joked to convince him. Actually it wasn’t a lie, at least not completely; he was kind of fine, better than a couple hours ago.
“No” the older deadpanned. “It’s weird to see you working so hard and being so cheerful at the same time.” Ryo punched him on the shoulder and Yamapi pouted childishly. “An idiot told me you acted strange and that something was wrong with you but you didn’t want to say what it was.”
“Jin.” Yamapi guessed and Ryo nodded. “Tell him I’m fine~”
“Tell him yourself!” Ryo scolded and walked away just like that.
“I will!” And so he did. On his own way.
“Moshi moshi”
“Jin, I’m fine now, don’t worry!” And he hung up.
Jin pulled away the phone from his ear and looked at it, absolutely confused. He shrugged it off and kept working on his choreography with the rest of KAT-TUN.
Yamapi finished work truly late and the same happened with Toma and the filming of his drama so the talk was indirectly postponed. Days went by and the situation repeated. It wasn’t on purpose, they weren’t evading each other and they knew; Pi had sacrificed sleeping hours to have a free day because that was something he hardly got without any sacrifices so it would pass by some time until he could manage to “make” another free day. For Toma it wasn’t much different.
After a week without seeing each other Yamapi decided to call Toma. It was one of the normal calls he would realize when he felt he was starting to drift away from him -or any of his friends if that was the case.
“I’m hungry!” Was the voice mail the older heard on his cellphone while checking it during a break from filming. He just chuckled and -later- called back Tomohisa.
“Toma!” greeted the younger on the phone.
“Hey there, Tomo-chan! I received you voice mail. How are you doing?”
“Oh, fine! Working. And you? Is everything going as planned with the filming?”
“Yeah, we’ll probably finish next week.”
“Really?” Pi exclaimed without being able to hide the hope in his voice. “Then you will have some free time, right? Don’t make any promise to Matsumoto, you hear me?!”
“Yeah, yeah, okay, I got it” Toma chuckled. “No promises to anyone.”
“To anyone except me!”
“Okay, no promises to anyone except you” he corrected his own words.
Hours went by, that turned into days, that turned into a week and a half. It seemed to Yamapi that after all he would be able to forget that… “incident” between Toma and Matsumoto. Of course he wouldn’t start getting along with Matsumoto or anything of the sort; he was just as jealous as always, even more.
It was the last day of filming so Yamapi decided to pay a visit to Toma’s set again. He still feared deep inside his heart that the same thing as last time would happen. For a moment he wasn’t going to go but he convinced himself otherwise. He trusted Toma.
As always the staff sent him to Toma’s dressing room. A strange sense of déjà-vu invaded him but he just dismissed it and tried to think of something different. He reached the room and got inside. He was going to sit on the same chair as last time but stopped himself and instead sat on the floor. He didn’t want the same thing to happen again, so if he did different things the possibility of the same situation happening would lessen -or so his logic told him.
He lied against the wall, his head back, and looked at the ceiling until he got bored and closed his eyes. He dozed off but didn’t allow himself to fall asleep so that things wouldn’t be like last time.
Suddenly he felt a soft and wet touch against his lips and a hand holding his face, so he opened his eyes. Toma was tenderly looking at him as he kissed him with the same sweetness.
But for some reason the image of Toma and Matsumoto kissing popped up on Yamapi’s mind. He winced without breaking the kiss, but couldn’t blink away the tear that slid down his cheek. The tear he never cried since that time, the tear drop he never allowed to run away, the one he always held back. Maybe he actually never forgot that heartbreaking kiss. He hated himself because of it.
“W-What’s wrong?” Toma hurriedly pulled away letting go of Yamapi’s face.
“It’s nothing. Just a nightmare” he answered tiredly, wiping away the single tear.
“But you weren’t crying when I found you. You cried after I kissed you” he said with hurt on his voice. It was the same as that time Tomohisa pulled away from their kiss, and now he cried? There was something wrong, but what was it? Did he not love him? “What was it about? The… nightmare” he asked.
“It’s nothing, really. It was just something stupid.”
“It’s not stupid if it made you cry.”
“Let’s go for something to eat. I’m hungry!” Pi exclaimed as he got up from the floor ignoring Toma.
“Tomohisa” the older whispered, stopping Yamapi from the wrist and looking sharply at him.
“Just drop it” he replied curtly, giving his back to Toma to evade his eyes.
Reluctantly, Toma did as told. He didn’t want to fight again.
They ate something in the closest restaurant they found. It wasn’t silent; it was cheerful, both trying to forget what happened, to feign that nothing actually happened, to downplay it. But both knew things couldn’t keep going like that; they were going to end hurting each other if they didn’t fix the situation. Though -for the time being- they were just going to think it.
Days kept going like normal; photoshoots, filming, choreographies, calls and -now- some more frequents meetings, because the lack of Toma’s filming drama he had more free time to spend with Yamapi. He tried to get out of him what had been bugging him, that “nightmare”, but Tomohisa just answered with evasives so in the end Toma just gave up the whole thing. He even had asked Jin and Ryo, but those two didn’t know either.
“Pi~” Jin whined while nudging him on the shoulder.
“What?” Yamapi replied tiredly. Jin rested his head on the younger’s thigh, looking up at him.
They were sitting -and Jin lying- on a sofa in KAT-TUN’ room. The group was free for an hour but most of them decided to stay because the trip to anywhere else would take too much time. All KAT-TUN was in the room -except for Koki who had decided to walk around the Jimusho and play with some juniors- busying themselves with any magazine they could find or talking with each other, completely used to Yamapi’s random visits.
“There is something wrong with you but you don’t wanna tell me! Why?” he complained, lifting his hands on the air and waving them in front of Yamapi’s face. Pi just rolled his eyes but smiled lightly.
“There is nothing wrong anymore.”
“But there was!”
“But everything is fine now.” He took Jin’s hands -that were still moving in front of his face- and lowered them until they were resting on the elder’s thigh. Yamapi sighed and looked down at his eyes. He could see from the corner of his eyes how Kame was eyeing them suspiciously, more likely jealous, actually. He wondered when those two would tell each other their feelings. It was too obvious. “Don’t worry” he assured Jin with a smile that looked sincere enough, so the older just pouted and turned his head away, resigned.
“If you say so.”
“Oh, come on, don’t be like that~” Yamapi complained jokingly as he bent down over Jin and ghostly touched with a finger his collarbone earning a shriek from the older, who fell to the floor.
“Pi!” he screamed as he stood up. “You just declared war!” Jin jumped Yamapi, straddling him, and started tickling him mercilessly. Yamapi laughed and tried to protect himself with his arms but Jin always found a free spot to tickle him.
“W-Wait! Jin!” Pi tried to shout between pants and laughter. “Jin!” he groaned and laughed some more, “my stomach is starting to hurt!”
“You two are being too noisy” Kame complained from behind the magazine he was reading. Jin stopped tickling Yamapi and -pouting- he looked over at the source of the voice.
“You are boring~” he complained as he lifted himself from Yamapi and sat on the couch. Pi sat back too and stared at Kame, smirking.
“Jin” he said dangerously and both Kame and Jin perked up their ears. “I think Kamenashi just declared you war” he said smiling perversely. “What are you gonna do?” The older smiled brightly and without answering he jumped Kame and started tickling him the same way he did to Yamapi a minute ago. Pi smiled and just let them be.
He and Toma had agreed to meet later and decide where they would go when they were free. Yamapi just squinted out of the laughter-filled room and walked through the corridors in search of Toma. The laughter from KAT-TUN’s room could be heard in half of the Jimusho and Yamapi couldn’t help but chuckle when the juniors and johnnys made strange expressions and looked around to found the source of the laughs and screams.
Those two are such idiots, Pi thought as he smiled unconsciously.
Since months Jin and Kame had been flirting and getting jealous of each other without even noticing it themselves. Yamapi had tried to hint Jin about it but he had been completely oblivious and didn’t catch the indirects Pi sent him. Maybe they would notice it by themselves, someday -or so Yamapi hoped.
Of course love needed a little help -even more if it was about those two-, so Yamapi kept taking advantage of every chance to set them up; making them be alone together, to make them talk and tease each other and finding excuses for them to have some physical contact. Just like with the tickles war.
Yamapi wondered if something had ever happened between them when he wasn’t there. Maybe something did happen but either of them was hiding it, pretending. Pi shook his head. No, Jin wouldn’t be able to do it. Jin was an awful liar but that was one of the aspects of Jin that Yamapi loved.
“Oh, hey Nino! Had you seen Toma?” Pi asked when he crossed him on the hallway.
“Yeah, he was with Jun just a second ago. They were in front of Toma’s room. They probably are still there.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks!” he bowed slightly and kept walking ignoring that little voice in the back of his head.
Toma’s room was just a turn away so after a couple of seconds he reached it and opened the door.
“Hey, To-!“
He shouldn’t have been so naïve.
He stopped dead on his track, door wide open, and felt a cold shudder run down his spine. He swallowed the lump on his throat as both Toma and Matsumoto looked at him surprised, the former almost with panic on his eyes.
“Tomohisa! This isn-”
Yamapi throw himself to Matsujun and punched him hardly on the jaw, making him lose his balance and fall to the floor next to a shocked Toma. His knuckles hurt a lot but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything anymore.
Jun stood up enraged and punched him back over and over again but Yamapi did the same, trying to block his fists and hitting back at the same time. He didn’t notice he was crying. The tears he didn’t cry the first time.
“Wait! You two, stop!” Toma grabbed their arms trying to pull them apart but he was shook off as they kept fighting. Still, Toma stood up and tried again yanking their clothes, grabbing their arms, anything he could reach for to break them apart.
The fuss started calling the attention, but only juniors were passing by and they didn’t dare to get involved.
Yamapi kept punching, just as Jun did, enraged, disappointed and sad tears flooding down his wounded face. Toma was starting to get really worried, reaching despair and fear.
Thankfully Jin ran into the room, a worried look on his face and Kame following him, and immediately grabbed Yamapi from the back holding his arms. Toma took the opportunity and did the same with Matsujun, who could barely hold back.
“What the hell is going on, Pi?!” Jin shouted holding him by the arm. Yamapi was looking down, his breathing heavy. The room was almost silent, the only sound were the sobs and whimpers that came from Pi. Kame reacted first and closed the door of the room to keep away any curious juniors.
“Tomohisa…” Toma whispered as he walked slowly to Yamapi. “It wasn’t what you think-”
“Then what was?!” he cried out looking up at him and Toma flinched slightly. Jin never let go of his arm, supporting Pi, who could barely stand. He didn’t understand what was going on but seeing Pi so… broken and injured hurt him so much. “I forgave you the first time but…” Yamapi laughed bitterly, “…this is too much.”
“The first time?”
“Yeah, do you remember that time I visited you during the filming of your drama?” Yamapi smiled gently at him but his eyes were empty. “I saw you… kissing Matsumoto.” Toma gulped the guilt in his throat.
“That… why didn’t you say anything before?” he asked and then realized something. “You cried… you cried when I kissed you.” Toma looked down for a brief second before looking back at Yamapi. “It wasn’t a nightmare.”
“It was. It was a living nightmare.” Pi whispered and met the elder’s eyes. “I tried to forget. I really tried! But… when you kissed me that image popped up on my head!” Yamapi rubbed his eyes holding his tears. Jin looked tenderly at him and hugged the younger tightly to keep him from breaking apart.
“Come on, Pi. Let’s go.” He said pulling him by the waist and turning to the door, giving Toma a cold stare before looking ahead, and opening it. Toma hardened his look and stepped forward.
“Wait.” He said coldly, holding Yamapi by the arm. “I need to talk to him.”
“There is nothing to talk about” Jin replied with disgust as he grabbed Toma’s wrist to pull him off. Yamapi looked confusedly at them without moving until Jin pushed him forward through the door and he just let himself get carried away. Jin wouldn’t hurt him. He wouldn’t. He could thrust him.
“Jin, I don’t th-”
“You too, Kame. Let’s go.”
Kamenashi hesitated for a second before following him. He didn’t think it was the best idea to interfere. If Yamapi loved Toma enough to even forgive him after seeing him kiss someone else then probably he still loved him. And Ikuta looked like he really regretted it. They surely could fix things. But it didn’t look like Jin would give Toma such a chance.
“Stop!” Toma jerked Jin’s hold from Yamapi’s waist. “It’s not your business” he said, starting to feel pissed off. Who the hell was him to take Yamapi away?! He was Tomohisa’s boyfriend! Not Akanishi!
“It is my business when you hurt him!” Jin screamed as he stood in front of Yamapi.
“I didn’t hurt him on purpose! If I had noted it before… I love him! I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose.” Toma defended himself looking at Yamapi behind Akanishi’s shoulder trying to convey his feelings.
“But you did! If you loved him you wouldn’t have kissed someone else! I’m not gonna let you hurt him again” Jin deadpanned, his gaze piercing through the other, who stood strong.
“He doesn’t love me” Matsujun walked next to Toma but looked at Yamapi, who held his gaze reflecting the same determination. “At least not as much as he loves you. He let me kiss him because of sympathy. ‘cause I loved him, but he couldn’t love me back as I wished. ‘cause I lost to you” he declared indifferently but inside he felt hurt. But it wasn’t as painful as to see Toma struggling not to cry. Just like that Matsujun left without looking back and Toma held the urge to stop him; he wanted to deny it, to scream it wasn’t true, but somehow it was. It sounded cruel. And Yamapi thought the same, therefore he looked away, feeling like he was the one to blame for making Matsumoto confess something that surely hurt him on the inside.
But Jin didn’t seem convinced at all. He wouldn’t allow someone to hurt Pi like that ever again. Pi had been always there for him; he could always read him like a book and there was nothing Jin could hide from Pi. But he wasn’t even able to notice when Pi was hurt. He felt like an awful friend. It was time to fix that.
Kame suddenly grabbed his wrist and pulled him away from Yamapi. Jin didn’t have time to react properly when unexpectedly Kame kissed him. Pi gaped shocked but smiled contently a second later. Those two idiots, finally. Though he wasn’t sure if the timing was proper.
“Let’s go, Jin” Kame voiced softly pulling at the other’s arm.
“But-” Jin turned around just to found Pi being embraced tightly by a distressed Toma. The younger looked hesitant but even so he held Ikuta by the hips and rested his head tiredly on his shoulder, relaxing a little.
“They will be fine.” Kame put his hands on Jin’s back and pushed him away. Akanishi sighed, giving up, and held Kazuya’s hand as he guided him through the corridors trying to control himself and not ruin everything by ripping the other two man apart.
“Tomohisa” Toma breathed in Yamapi’s scent. “I’m really, really sorry!” he tightened his hold before releasing him to look into his eyes. He wanted to fix things. To see a heart broken Pi made his heart ache like it was his own heart that had been ripped apart. It made sense: he gave his own heart to Tomohisa years ago.
Yamapi looked back at him with practiced calm before leaning forward and kissing Toma. It was sweet, tender but also sad. The older had his eyes slightly open so he saw the shine of a tear drop sliding down the other’s skin. He winced and hugged him again.
“I’m gonna fix you back. I’ll replace any bad memory you have.” He rubbed Yamapi’s back soothingly but it was more to calm down himself than the other boy. “They will just become memories of memories. I’ll make you happy.”
“You already did.”
“How can you forgive me so easily?” he let go of Pi and kissed him on the cheek where a tear was once there. Yamapi just smiled dissipating his worry.
“I don’t know” he caressed Toma’s face. “Maybe ‘cause you are worth?” Pi patted softly his cheek as he winked.
How could he be so cheerful? Toma would have died of jealously if he ever saw Tomohisa kissing someone other than him; he almost killed Jin when he putted his arm around Pi’s waist. Was he feigning to be okay when he actually wasn’t?
“Why are you smiling? I thought you-“
“I was sad. I wanted to forget everything. But you said you loved me and didn’t want to hurt me. Those memories will replace the painful ones.”
“And you thrust my words so easily?” Toma remarked. Tomohisa was too kind for his own good, if he was like that with everyone-
“I don’t want you to be sad.”
“Me? But-“
“You were just as sad as me. It hurt to see you like that more than it hurt to see you kissing Matsumoto. Even if… it’s not with me, I want you to be as happy as possible” Yamapi confessed honestly with a lopsided smile. It may have sounded taken from a soap opera but he really felt like that. There was no other way of saying it.
“Would you give up on me so easily?” Toma teased trying to lighten the mood. He wanted things to go back to normal, to see that smiling and goofy Pi from always. He would give away his own voice just to see that smile.
“Do you think I was giving up when I punched Jun?” Pi smirked. It had felt incredibly good to hit Matsumoto. So bad his knuckles still hurt.
“Poor Matsujun. You punched him really hard!”
“Him? What about me! He punched me just as hard!” Pi pouted touching his jaw that was slightly swollen. The bastard had a quite solid hand.
Toma gave him a side smile and pushed him against the wall. Yamapi shifted his look from Toma’s right eye to his left one and back again. The elder traced ghostly Yamapi’s jaw line with his lips, making him gulp in anticipation. Pi threw his head back giving the other more access and Toma stopped with a chuckle.
“What are you laughing at?” Yamapi pouted and held the elder’s wrists. Toma raised his eyebrows, taken aback. Pi looked at him with a piercing gaze, making Ikuta shift uncomfortably under the scrutiny, and leaned in briefly pecking him on top of his nose, causing Toma to jerk away.
“Why on my nose!” the last complained loudly.
“Cause your nose is too big to ignore it” interrupted Jin walking closer to them followed by Kame.
“What it’s that supposed to mean?!” he looked fiercely at him standing in front of Yamapi unconsciously. Pi hugged him by the back and rested his chin on his shoulder.
“I like Toma’s nose” he spoke smiling. Jin just rolled his eyes and walked closer to them, leaning in next to Toma’s face and pecking Yamapi on the nose.
“I like your nose” he winked at Pi, smirking when Toma growled dangerously.
“Hey, stop that!” complained Kame, pulling at Jin’s hair to separate them.
“Ow! I like your nose too, Kame!” Jin defended himself while pouting.
“What’s your fetish with noses?” he muttered and started walking away.
“Kame! Kame~ ! Don’t get mad!” he ran after him.
“I’m sure, in a not too far future, those two will cause me big headaches” Pi whispered in Toma shoulder seeing Jin clinging to Kame and making him fall in the middle of the hallway with a long chain of curses.
“I pity you” was Toma’s answer as he lifted his hand and ruffled Yamapi’s hair, his gaze still locked on the other couple. They are crazy, he thought uninterested.
~fin~
Pairing: Toma x Yamapi
Rating: PG
Genre: romance, angst(?)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the johnnys and neither does Johnny-san cause they are people! I only own the story~♥
Word count: 8571(!!)
Summary: We learn to love not when we find the perfect person, but when we get to see as perfect an imperfect person.
A/N: That phrase is not mine, I just read it in a calendar and it didn't say who did originally say it, so I can't give credits =s But I really really liked it! And it kind of fitted the story xD
Again: please tell me if you catch any grammar mistake or anything! I'm learning English so any comment about it would really help me~! =)
Such a long time had passed since the last chance he had to see Toma. It was routine; they would meet frequently for a couple days and then they would see each other once a month for half a year. He should be used to it, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to; it would be like loving him a little less, like betraying him.
But Yamapi knew how to make time for Toma. It was like a secret plan: he would work really hard for a week or so, changing his appointments, fulfilling as many of them as possible on the same day, so that he could have a free day at the end of the week.
But actually it wasn’t so secret; Toma knew. It wasn’t hard to realize, he just had to link the points together; Yamapi would suddenly visit him, to his apartment or during a break from filming, but would look so tired that he would have to take him home before his friend would fall asleep on him. After that, Toma would feel guilty -he didn’t know why-, slightly sad but at the same time so happy because it showed just how much Yamapi wanted to be with him.
It wasn’t intended to be different this time. Yamapi had just finished filming his latest drama; everything went perfectly smooth and with that came all the new interviews and photoshoots for the usual magazines. He worked hard -the staff praised him and patted his shoulder telling him to take things easily- and so he got his deserved free day.
Without a second thought he went to Toma’s recording set. The staff greeted him with accustomed familiarity and sent him off to wait at Ikuta’s changing room. He thanked them with a kind smile and a nod and left. He quietly sat on a chair inside the room and patiently waited.
Well, maybe not so patiently.
“To~ma, hurry.” He grunted as he lay back on the chair and pouted. Right now, Toma was probably filming a scene with Matsujun. It wasn’t fair! Why Matsumoto could act together with Toma but Yamapi couldn’t?! Lucky bastard. He closed his eyes just for a second, his lips relaxing, before opening them again. He looked at the door but seeing no one came he closed his eyes again but this time he fell asleep. After such excruciating week of work, keeping his eyes open was a hard task and he only managed to do when the promise of seeing Toma was present.
Toma finally finished filming the takes for the day. It was so tiring; he just wanted to go home and sleep off the rest of the evening. But the staff told him Yamashita was waiting for him on his dressing room. So he smiled to himself and immediately went off to meet him. Walking hurriedly he finally reached the room and opened the door enthusiastically.
“Hey, Tomo-“he froze, surprised, before letting out a chuckle and approaching Pi. “Tomohisa” he whispered in the other’s ear. Yamapi just moved his head slightly away from the bothering sound. It didn’t matter how many times he got the chance to see his sleeping face; he never got tired of it, even less bored. Toma smirked and then licked Yamapi’s jaw line.
“What the--!” the younger man jerked awake, sitting up straight and hitting his head against Toma’s; both groaned in pain.
“Don’t wake up like that!” the older complained rubbing his head. The tease had backfired again; even so he would still try again next time.
“Whose fault was that?!”
Toma sighed but smiled nevertheless, lying against the wall as the only chair in the room was occupied. It was never boring with Tomohisa, it would even make him forget about his fatigue.
“What are you doing here?”
“Mh, I had some free time this evening so… I wanted to see you” he finished nonchalantly looking up to a smiling Toma. He couldn’t help but slightly smile too; it was contagious.
“Free time? It’s not free time; you should be sleeping right now.”
“I was” Pi glared with no malice, “until someone woke me up.” The younger knew Toma was right but, like this, staying awake was worth.
“Eh? Now it’s my fault?”
“It is” he deadpanned.
“Then… go back to sleep” Toma replied indifferently and headed to the door. “I’m leaving.”
“Toma!” Pi whined and stood up before a knock on the door interrupted them.
Toma was closer so he answered it forgetting all about the joke. He smiled to the person outside and Yamapi wondered who it could be. The older stepped out of the room, almost closing the door behind him, and started talking cheerfully to the other person. Yamapi frowned feeling ignored and tried to hear what Toma was talking, but before he could get closer enough the door opened and Toma came in. Together with Matsumoto. They glared at each other but Toma was used to Pi’s jealously so he just ignored it.
“ Yamapi, I had promised Matsujun that I would go out for a couple drinks with him after filming” Toma explained slightly guilty. He knew Tomohisa wouldn’t take it in a good way, he could understand, but he couldn’t take back his promise.
“But it’s the only day I have free that actually matches yours!” The younger man complained, disappointment, hurt and angriness mixing in his face.
“I know, I know, but we agreed before you came. If you had called before coming or something… I really didn’t know you would come today” Toma excused himself apologetically. “But Matsujun said that you could come with us if you wanted to” he suggested with a hopeful smile. But the answer was already hanging in the air. He knew the answer even before asking.
“I don’t want to” Pi grumbled giving Toma a hard look. Saying he was jealous was an understatement.
“Jun, can you give us a couple seconds alone?” Toma asked him. He was getting a little exasperated with Yamapi’s childish behavior. They were grown man; couldn’t he act a little more like one and stop being so self-centered?
Matsujun patted sympathetically Toma’s shoulder before frowning disapprovingly at Pi and leaving the room.
“Tomo, stop acting like that” Toma tiredly reprimanded him. “Why won’t you come with us?”
“Cause I don’t wanna!” Pi shouted annoyed. Why couldn’t Toma understand that he wanted to spend his little free time only with him?! Not with that Matsumoto!
“I give a damn!” the older shouted back. “I don’t wanna have to stand you and your stupid tantrums, Yamashita!” he spitted out angrily. A part of him regretted saying that, but his exhaustion and rage didn’t allow him to stop.
“Why didn’t you say so before?!” Pi shouted again pushing Toma against the wall, but then smiled bitterly, hurt lacing his voice. “I guess I’m much more annoying than your friends, aren’t I?” he almost whispered, his eyes never wandering away from Toma’s. “Do you really prefer your friends so much more than me?!” he screamed at the older boy, who flinched but immediately composed himself.
“Don’t make me choose between you and my friends” Toma spitted seriously, almost coldly.
Because I would lose, right? Yamapi thought bitterly but didn’t back away, even though Toma’s gaze was piercing him.
“Do you actually love me?!” Toma lost it and started shouting, too, making Yamapi flinch slightly when he slapped away the hands that held him by the shoulders. “If you did you would thrust me!” Pi lost his composure and it surely showed on his face, but he immediately hided it. It had hurt so much. Those words. How could he doubt his love for him?
“I do love you! But if you love Matsumoto so much more why don’t you just go out with him and dump me already!” he shouted, feigning strength like a hurt and cornered animal that knows the only thing awaiting him is just more pain. Those caught by fear feel weak and therefore attack even those who just want to do them good.
“If that’s what you want” Toma said coldly and pushed a stunned Yamapi out of his way and left the room.
I’m such an idiot. Yamapi slumped against the wall, his eyes closed and his hand clutching the shirt at his chest.
He loved Toma so much that it hurt. That was the reason why he always acted like that. He felt unsecure, so afraid of losing Toma, but in the end that just made things worse. He didn’t want to be such an awful lover, but just seeing Toma with someone else would make him feel uncomfortable, scared, like any of his friends could take him away from him.
But it was his own fault that he lost Toma. He didn’t want to hurt him. All the things Yamapi said… he didn’t want to say them, but it was already too late. He had hurt Toma so he deserved the pain he was feeling. He deserved Toma’s harsh words and his cold stares.
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Maybe it wasn’t too late already; maybe he still had time to fix things up with Toma. Yamapi lifted himself up from the floor and went off in search of Toma. He slid through the set, asking anyone that crossed his path if they had seen Toma in the last minutes.
“Yeah, I saw him a minute ago. I think he was headed to Matsumoto-san’s dressing room” finally one of the staff members hinted him. He asked the same man where that was and immediately took off.
Right, forward, left and right, second door. Yamapi walked hurriedly through the corridors, turning in each indicated corner until he saw - few meters away- the door that was supposed to lead to Matsumoto’s dressing room.
He slowed down slightly thinking of the proper way of apologizing to his friend and lover. If he didn’t do it properly he was screwed up. Well, more than he already was. He took a deep breath and -letting it go- approached the door. He saw it wasn’t completely closed so he didn’t doubt it before peeking to get in and maybe annoy Matsumoto a little bit. He froze in his place before he could even set a single foot inside the room. His hands started shaking slightly and he fought the tears that stung in his eyes. He jerked his face away, blinking the tears away, and walked back until the wall next to the door supported him.
Toma was… he kissed Matsumoto.
A lump formed in his throat and Yamapi tried hard to swallow it together with the ache in his chest. Did that mean that… what Toma had said before… was actually true? Did he really love Matsumoto more than him? He didn’t want to be dumped! He loved Toma! He didn’t want to leave him! Yamapi rubbed his hair furiously in exasperation.
This can’t be happening.
He jerked up when the door suddenly opened completely and from there both young men walked out of the room. Toma spotted him at the side and utter shock and fear showed on his face.
“T-Tomo! What are you doing here?” he stood in front of him.
Yamapi opened his mouth and tried to reply, to talk, but no words came out. He tightly closed his eyes before opening them again. Toma was looking straight at him with great worry in his eyes. Yamapi looked down for a second, hiding his grimace, and then looked back at Toma.
“I-I wanted to apologize!” Pi blurted out and could see how Toma relaxed slightly, almost sighing. Matsumoto just stood there, next to Toma, watching both of them.
“I’m not sure I can forgive you” the older teased with a smile on his face.
Neither I.
Toma noted that Yamapi looked really beaten so he didn’t push the teasing forward. Pi looked so broken, like a train had just run over him. Did he actually saw him and Matsujun?
“Are you okay, Tomo?”
“Uhm, yeah, if you forgive me” Pi gave him a weak smile that almost reached his eyes. Almost. Probably Yamapi didn’t saw them, Toma tried to relax and convince himself. Pi wouldn’t act that way if he did. He would have at least cried; it was what he would expect but Pi hadn’t shed a single tear and even though his eyes were shiny they weren’t red. Or maybe he would have shouted but nothing of the sort happened.
Pi just stood in front of him, hands slightly shaking, so Toma just gave the final step that closed the distance between them and hugged him.
Yamapi hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around the older and snuggling on his neck for comfort. He would forgive him. He could forgive. But it would be hard to forget. He tightened his hold for a second before letting go.
“Matsujun and I were just gonna go out, are you sure you don’t wanna go?” Toma asked him, hand on his shoulder.
“Ehm, no, thanks” Yamapi declined with a tired smile, “I’m gonna go back home. I’m tired.”
“Oh, okay.” Toma looked kind of disappointed but Pi didn’t have strength enough inside himself to do anything about it. “Send me a message when you get home, just in case, okay?”
“Yeah, sure” Pi nodded and turned away, walking through those same corridors that a couple minutes ago seemed just normal but that now felt eternal, like walking through a desert ; there was nothing and that was the problem. Yamapi felt empty. He felt lonely.
He kept walking, never looking back until he reached his car. He fished on his pocket for the key, opened the car and got inside.
“Toma” he whispered, resting his head against the seat. His eyes were closed, his breath even. He couldn’t forget those images, like photos repeating over and over again. He hunched, grabbing his head between his hands and groaned. Things weren’t going fine. He couldn’t go back home. He didn’t want to sleep. He couldn’t; the images would get more vivid in his dreams. He had to run away.
Yamapi took a deep breath once again as he sat up straight. He shoved his hand inside his pocket, searching for his cellphone and opened it after founding it. He started the engine and drove off as he pressed the buttons on his cellphone. He called.
“Hey Jin, Yamapi desu” he spoke softly while he drove carefully, stopping at a red light.
“Oh, hey there, Pi!” the other greeted cheerfully. Yamapi could almost see him smiling and -unconsciously- he smiled too.
“Are you home?”
“Home? Not yet.” Jin answered and asked slowly “why?”
“I… I’m free right now, so I wondered if I might crash at your place? Just for tonight” he almost begged because of the tone of his voice.
Jin frowned even though the other couldn’t see. What’s going on?
“Yeah, sure” he answered quietly. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“Okay, then. Why don’t you pick me up? I’m at the Jimusho right now, I’m almost finished” he suggested trying to sound more cheerful. He even smiled, not remembering that Yamapi actually couldn’t see him.
“Okay, I’m on the way.” He hung up, turning his cellphone off, and focused only on the road, attempting to put his mind blank.
But he couldn’t. He couldn’t! He felt so incredibly frustrated; he wanted to scream his heart out. But he was Yamashita Tomohisa, great, tranquil and cool idol. Johnny-san would have his head if paparazzi caught him screaming on the street.
Lights passed by at his side like slow shooting stars. Red, stop, green, go, stop, go, turn, go, stop and go again. His heart started feeling number as minutes went by and he was grateful for it.
It was late evening and the traffic was slightly heavy but fortunately he only got a few minutes late to pick up Jin, who was already waiting in front of the Jimusho by the time Pi arrived. His friend saw him and smiling got into the car.
“Pi! How’s everything?” he greeted closing the door and patting Pi on the shoulder with a goofy smile on his face.
“Fine. What about you?” the younger smiled softly so that Jin wouldn’t ask further. He didn’t feel like talking about it. “How was work?”
“Ah~ Really tiring!” Jin stretched on the seat almost punching Yamapi who evaded it just in time. “What about some beers? Let’s buy them on the way.”
“Yeah, sure. I like the idea” Pi winked at him feeling more cheer up and Jin’s smile widened immensely seeing the change.
They did as planned, buying the drinks and something to eat along the way, and once in Jin’s apartment they just sat on the sofa with both things in hand and watched anything that caught their attention on the tv. Neither of them talked more than some random comments from Jin about what they were watching.
Jin was dying to know what had happened with Pi but seeing the other trying so hard to focus on the tv and nothing else made him choose not to ask. Maybe Yamapi would start talking whenever he felt like it and Jin, as a friend, felt the obligation of waiting for it. He just wanted to help him and knew that if he asked he may hurt him and make things worse so he just tried to act normal and cheer him up. Even if he didn’t know what was the problem.
There was nothing good on tv so Jin kept changing the channel over and over again almost unconsciously.
We should have rented a movie.
Jin sighed resigned but stilled for a second when he felt a bump against his shoulder. He immediately looked to the side to see Yamapi sleeping against him. He smiled softly and patted his head. It was odd for Yamapi to have a free day, even a free evening was strange, so Jin wondered why he just dropped at his apartment if he was so tired. He was intrigued to know what happened so he started guessing, but the reasons he thought off were too strange even for his own mind that he just dropped the whole matter.
Jin returned his attention to the screen and kept zapping from channel to channel until he got so bored he could fall asleep if it weren’t for the fact that he was starting to feel numb due to the uncomfortable position. He looked to the side to see Pi still sleeping the same way. He didn’t want to wake him up but if he just let him like that the next morning they would be so sore and numb they would not even be able to walk to the bathroom.
Jin sighed and poked Yamapi on the arm over and over again, each time with more strenght, chuckling at the scowl the younger had on his face.
“Pi~ Wake up. Let’s go to bed. It’s more comfy.”
“Okay, okay” Pi grumbled getting up. “I think you just made a hole in my arm.” He tried to glare at Jin to add emphasis but he was so sleepy that he just couldn’t do it properly because the older started laughing at him.
“What are you trying to do with your eyes?” Jin laughed holding his stomach as they walked to his room. God, he should have taken a photo of Pi with that face a second ago! It would have been good for blackmailing; he looked like a drunken kicked puppy.
He grabbed a couple of shirts and lose shorts from the wardrobe and tossed one of each to Pi who was already lying face down on the mattress.
“Come on. Change and then you can go to sleep.”
Yamapi grumbled -something, that Jin supposed was a muffled “okay~”- and getting up he grabbed the clothes. They both changed on the same room, used to it after years of friendship, and slid under the covers, sheets up to their necks. Pi turned his back to Jin and tried to fall asleep again. But it turned to be a difficult task; when he closed his eyes he didn’t see the images of Toma kissing Matsumoto -thankfully- but even so the feelings from that time would took control over him again, more faintly than the first time. He tossed over on the bed a thousand times, not feeling comfortable in any position until Jin stopped him by embracing him from behind.
“Pi, stop moving! I wanna sleep~” He whined on his shoulder and squeezed him once. Yamapi laughed low on his throat and closed his eyes putting one of his hands over Jin’s hand on his chest.
“Sorry” he mumbled sleepy. The heavy feeling from before left him when Jin took hold of his hand and jokingly blow air on his ear.
“Just sleep.”
And he did as he was told.
Morning came way too fast for both of them, being woken up by the noisy ringing of Jin’s cellphone. He reached for it with closed eyes, knocking over the alarm clock, and answered the call without looking at the ID.
“Yes?”
“Jin, time to wake up” greeted the monotonous voice on the other side.
“Kame?” Jin sat up on the bed. “Umh, what time is it?” he grumbled, taking the clock and looking dazedly at it. 6… 6:31? He blinked trying to see clearer. “How did you…” damn! What was the word?
“¿How did I know you didn’t set your alarm clock and wouldn’t wake up on time?”
“Umh, yeah” Jin answered awkwardly messing his hair. Yamapi looked at him amusedly from between the sheets.
“Well, you left with Yamapi and each time that happens the next day you never get to work in time” he explained and Jin almost could see Kame rolling his eyes at the end. He sounded almost jealous.
“Sorry, sorry, but thanks anyway~” he stood up and searched for a change of clothes. “I’ll be in time, don’t worry~” he winked even though he was on the phone and this time was Yamapi who rolled his eyes but with a smile. He hung up and picked up all the clothes he needed.
“I’m gonna take a bath, Pi. What ‘bout you?” he asked from the door.
“I’ll just dress up. Take your time.”
“Okay, then.” And he left for the bathroom.
Yamapi got out of bed and took off the shirt Jin lend him the night before. He took his own clothes and dressed up. He grabbed his cellphone from the bed table and turned it on as he walked to the kitchen.
He looked at the screen and frowned.
You have 7 missed calls.
You have 4 new messages.
Yamapi automatically pressed some buttons and read the messages. All were somewhat the same with slightly variants and more exclamation signs. All from Toma. Crap. He had completely forgotten to call him when he got to Jin’s department.
“What’s with that face, Pi?” asked Jin coming into the room as he dried his hair with a towel.
“Oh, nothing.” He closed his cellphone. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah!” he tossed the towel inside the bathroom and walked back smiling to Pi who was waiting for him at the door. “Let’s go! I don’t wanna be late or Kame will scold me all morning!” he whined walking out of the door. Yamapi rolled his eyes and snorted, following him out.
Fortunately, they arrived at the Jimusho just in time, but even so Kame glared at Jin who stupidly feigned he didn’t notice it gaining a smack on the head from the younger.
Pi parted ways with them and headed to NEWS’ room thinking that after it he had a photoshoot to do and then film some advertising and then a lot more work, when suddenly someone grabbed his wrist and slammed him against the wall of the hall. He closed his eyes wincing at the pain in his head and immediately lifted his free hand to rub the spot.
“You idiot! Why didn’t you answer your cellphone?!” Toma shouted angrily at him not letting go of his wrist. Pi frowned registering what was happening and then shook off the painful hold from him.
“I forgot!” he replied indignantly pushing him away. What the hell was wrong with him?! It was just a mistake! He just forgot! It wasn’t reason enough to act so madly.
“You know, I was worried!” Toma grabbed him by the shoulders pushing him back again against the wall.
“Stop pushing me! It hurts!” Pi complained wriggling under the hold of both hands against his shoulders, which didn’t even bulge. Some johnny’s that were passing by looked at them but kept going -though a little slower- curious about the shouts. Even so they both ignored them too busy glaring at each other to notice anything around them.
“Where did you go last night?” Toma hissed. “I went to your apartment and you weren’t there. You lied” he deadpanned.
“I didn’t lie. I was gonna go home when I talked to you but then I changed my mind” Pi explained with a tone just as cold as Toma’s.
“Then where did you go?”
“…to Jin’s apartment.” Yamapi replied after a moment looking to the side for a second before looking back into Toma’s eyes. He was glaring at him.
“You complain so much about me and Matsujun but you and Jin are even more suspicious! I don’t sleep over at Matsujun’s place! You probably have already slept with Jin, haven’t you?” Toma hissed truly pissed off. He was so jealous at the moment that he didn’t even notice what he was saying until he saw the hurt and shock in Yamapi’s eyes. He immediately regretted it.
“Don’t ever dare to say that again!” Yamapi screamed pushing Toma off him, swallowing the lump in his throat and blinking his tears away; those tears that he didn’t even know if they were because of the immense rage or the deep hurt. He felt so… disappointed. “You sure don’t give me any credit” he snorted talking more to himself than to the other. “Jin is my best friend” he explained calmly, looking straight into Toma’s eyes. “You were gonna spend the night with your best friend, why should I have spend my free day alone at home?” he questioned with cold sadness.
Toma lost himself in his eyes for a second before reaching for Yamapi to hug him. Pi, taken aback and utterly confused, stilled in the embrace. He didn’t know whether to hug him back or push him away. To forgive him again or to leave.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said” he apologized in a whisper, making Yamapi shiver. Reluctantly, the younger hugged him back. Toma moved slightly away to look at Yamapi and inched closer to kiss him.
But when their lips touched Pi immediately backed away wincing.
“W-What’s wrong?” the older asked confused and a bit worried.
“Oh, nothing, nothing” Yamapi smiled hurriedly and patted Toma on the side of the arm. “I gotta go! I’m already late, let’s talk later, okay? I don’t want Ryo to kill me~” he joked and walked away backwards while waving at Toma.
“Uhm, okay” he nodded and Pi winked at him and turned away. Toma smiled contently and walked to do his own work.
He wanted to relax, to convince himself that everything was fine between him and Tomohisa but something on the back of his mind told him otherwise. Even so he just ignored and kept behaving almost as always; he would pay more attention to Tomohisa. No more fights for a while, he hoped.
Meanwhile Pi just focused on work and nothing else. He was working especially efficiently and everyone in NEWS and the staff congratulated him really pleased by the contagious enthusiasm he showed, to exception of Ryo who just eyed him suspiciously. But even so Yamapi just smiled and winked at them, pleased himself with the praises and because of that -little by little- he forgot the fight with Toma.
“Are you okay, Pi?” asked Ryo feigning disinterest. But Yamapi knew better and he was really glad to have such awesome friends as Jin and Ryo.
“Yeah, why do you ask? Is it that weird to see me working so hard?” he joked to convince him. Actually it wasn’t a lie, at least not completely; he was kind of fine, better than a couple hours ago.
“No” the older deadpanned. “It’s weird to see you working so hard and being so cheerful at the same time.” Ryo punched him on the shoulder and Yamapi pouted childishly. “An idiot told me you acted strange and that something was wrong with you but you didn’t want to say what it was.”
“Jin.” Yamapi guessed and Ryo nodded. “Tell him I’m fine~”
“Tell him yourself!” Ryo scolded and walked away just like that.
“I will!” And so he did. On his own way.
“Moshi moshi”
“Jin, I’m fine now, don’t worry!” And he hung up.
Jin pulled away the phone from his ear and looked at it, absolutely confused. He shrugged it off and kept working on his choreography with the rest of KAT-TUN.
Yamapi finished work truly late and the same happened with Toma and the filming of his drama so the talk was indirectly postponed. Days went by and the situation repeated. It wasn’t on purpose, they weren’t evading each other and they knew; Pi had sacrificed sleeping hours to have a free day because that was something he hardly got without any sacrifices so it would pass by some time until he could manage to “make” another free day. For Toma it wasn’t much different.
After a week without seeing each other Yamapi decided to call Toma. It was one of the normal calls he would realize when he felt he was starting to drift away from him -or any of his friends if that was the case.
“I’m hungry!” Was the voice mail the older heard on his cellphone while checking it during a break from filming. He just chuckled and -later- called back Tomohisa.
“Toma!” greeted the younger on the phone.
“Hey there, Tomo-chan! I received you voice mail. How are you doing?”
“Oh, fine! Working. And you? Is everything going as planned with the filming?”
“Yeah, we’ll probably finish next week.”
“Really?” Pi exclaimed without being able to hide the hope in his voice. “Then you will have some free time, right? Don’t make any promise to Matsumoto, you hear me?!”
“Yeah, yeah, okay, I got it” Toma chuckled. “No promises to anyone.”
“To anyone except me!”
“Okay, no promises to anyone except you” he corrected his own words.
Hours went by, that turned into days, that turned into a week and a half. It seemed to Yamapi that after all he would be able to forget that… “incident” between Toma and Matsumoto. Of course he wouldn’t start getting along with Matsumoto or anything of the sort; he was just as jealous as always, even more.
It was the last day of filming so Yamapi decided to pay a visit to Toma’s set again. He still feared deep inside his heart that the same thing as last time would happen. For a moment he wasn’t going to go but he convinced himself otherwise. He trusted Toma.
As always the staff sent him to Toma’s dressing room. A strange sense of déjà-vu invaded him but he just dismissed it and tried to think of something different. He reached the room and got inside. He was going to sit on the same chair as last time but stopped himself and instead sat on the floor. He didn’t want the same thing to happen again, so if he did different things the possibility of the same situation happening would lessen -or so his logic told him.
He lied against the wall, his head back, and looked at the ceiling until he got bored and closed his eyes. He dozed off but didn’t allow himself to fall asleep so that things wouldn’t be like last time.
Suddenly he felt a soft and wet touch against his lips and a hand holding his face, so he opened his eyes. Toma was tenderly looking at him as he kissed him with the same sweetness.
But for some reason the image of Toma and Matsumoto kissing popped up on Yamapi’s mind. He winced without breaking the kiss, but couldn’t blink away the tear that slid down his cheek. The tear he never cried since that time, the tear drop he never allowed to run away, the one he always held back. Maybe he actually never forgot that heartbreaking kiss. He hated himself because of it.
“W-What’s wrong?” Toma hurriedly pulled away letting go of Yamapi’s face.
“It’s nothing. Just a nightmare” he answered tiredly, wiping away the single tear.
“But you weren’t crying when I found you. You cried after I kissed you” he said with hurt on his voice. It was the same as that time Tomohisa pulled away from their kiss, and now he cried? There was something wrong, but what was it? Did he not love him? “What was it about? The… nightmare” he asked.
“It’s nothing, really. It was just something stupid.”
“It’s not stupid if it made you cry.”
“Let’s go for something to eat. I’m hungry!” Pi exclaimed as he got up from the floor ignoring Toma.
“Tomohisa” the older whispered, stopping Yamapi from the wrist and looking sharply at him.
“Just drop it” he replied curtly, giving his back to Toma to evade his eyes.
Reluctantly, Toma did as told. He didn’t want to fight again.
They ate something in the closest restaurant they found. It wasn’t silent; it was cheerful, both trying to forget what happened, to feign that nothing actually happened, to downplay it. But both knew things couldn’t keep going like that; they were going to end hurting each other if they didn’t fix the situation. Though -for the time being- they were just going to think it.
Days kept going like normal; photoshoots, filming, choreographies, calls and -now- some more frequents meetings, because the lack of Toma’s filming drama he had more free time to spend with Yamapi. He tried to get out of him what had been bugging him, that “nightmare”, but Tomohisa just answered with evasives so in the end Toma just gave up the whole thing. He even had asked Jin and Ryo, but those two didn’t know either.
“Pi~” Jin whined while nudging him on the shoulder.
“What?” Yamapi replied tiredly. Jin rested his head on the younger’s thigh, looking up at him.
They were sitting -and Jin lying- on a sofa in KAT-TUN’ room. The group was free for an hour but most of them decided to stay because the trip to anywhere else would take too much time. All KAT-TUN was in the room -except for Koki who had decided to walk around the Jimusho and play with some juniors- busying themselves with any magazine they could find or talking with each other, completely used to Yamapi’s random visits.
“There is something wrong with you but you don’t wanna tell me! Why?” he complained, lifting his hands on the air and waving them in front of Yamapi’s face. Pi just rolled his eyes but smiled lightly.
“There is nothing wrong anymore.”
“But there was!”
“But everything is fine now.” He took Jin’s hands -that were still moving in front of his face- and lowered them until they were resting on the elder’s thigh. Yamapi sighed and looked down at his eyes. He could see from the corner of his eyes how Kame was eyeing them suspiciously, more likely jealous, actually. He wondered when those two would tell each other their feelings. It was too obvious. “Don’t worry” he assured Jin with a smile that looked sincere enough, so the older just pouted and turned his head away, resigned.
“If you say so.”
“Oh, come on, don’t be like that~” Yamapi complained jokingly as he bent down over Jin and ghostly touched with a finger his collarbone earning a shriek from the older, who fell to the floor.
“Pi!” he screamed as he stood up. “You just declared war!” Jin jumped Yamapi, straddling him, and started tickling him mercilessly. Yamapi laughed and tried to protect himself with his arms but Jin always found a free spot to tickle him.
“W-Wait! Jin!” Pi tried to shout between pants and laughter. “Jin!” he groaned and laughed some more, “my stomach is starting to hurt!”
“You two are being too noisy” Kame complained from behind the magazine he was reading. Jin stopped tickling Yamapi and -pouting- he looked over at the source of the voice.
“You are boring~” he complained as he lifted himself from Yamapi and sat on the couch. Pi sat back too and stared at Kame, smirking.
“Jin” he said dangerously and both Kame and Jin perked up their ears. “I think Kamenashi just declared you war” he said smiling perversely. “What are you gonna do?” The older smiled brightly and without answering he jumped Kame and started tickling him the same way he did to Yamapi a minute ago. Pi smiled and just let them be.
He and Toma had agreed to meet later and decide where they would go when they were free. Yamapi just squinted out of the laughter-filled room and walked through the corridors in search of Toma. The laughter from KAT-TUN’s room could be heard in half of the Jimusho and Yamapi couldn’t help but chuckle when the juniors and johnnys made strange expressions and looked around to found the source of the laughs and screams.
Those two are such idiots, Pi thought as he smiled unconsciously.
Since months Jin and Kame had been flirting and getting jealous of each other without even noticing it themselves. Yamapi had tried to hint Jin about it but he had been completely oblivious and didn’t catch the indirects Pi sent him. Maybe they would notice it by themselves, someday -or so Yamapi hoped.
Of course love needed a little help -even more if it was about those two-, so Yamapi kept taking advantage of every chance to set them up; making them be alone together, to make them talk and tease each other and finding excuses for them to have some physical contact. Just like with the tickles war.
Yamapi wondered if something had ever happened between them when he wasn’t there. Maybe something did happen but either of them was hiding it, pretending. Pi shook his head. No, Jin wouldn’t be able to do it. Jin was an awful liar but that was one of the aspects of Jin that Yamapi loved.
“Oh, hey Nino! Had you seen Toma?” Pi asked when he crossed him on the hallway.
“Yeah, he was with Jun just a second ago. They were in front of Toma’s room. They probably are still there.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks!” he bowed slightly and kept walking ignoring that little voice in the back of his head.
Toma’s room was just a turn away so after a couple of seconds he reached it and opened the door.
“Hey, To-!“
He shouldn’t have been so naïve.
He stopped dead on his track, door wide open, and felt a cold shudder run down his spine. He swallowed the lump on his throat as both Toma and Matsumoto looked at him surprised, the former almost with panic on his eyes.
“Tomohisa! This isn-”
Yamapi throw himself to Matsujun and punched him hardly on the jaw, making him lose his balance and fall to the floor next to a shocked Toma. His knuckles hurt a lot but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything anymore.
Jun stood up enraged and punched him back over and over again but Yamapi did the same, trying to block his fists and hitting back at the same time. He didn’t notice he was crying. The tears he didn’t cry the first time.
“Wait! You two, stop!” Toma grabbed their arms trying to pull them apart but he was shook off as they kept fighting. Still, Toma stood up and tried again yanking their clothes, grabbing their arms, anything he could reach for to break them apart.
The fuss started calling the attention, but only juniors were passing by and they didn’t dare to get involved.
Yamapi kept punching, just as Jun did, enraged, disappointed and sad tears flooding down his wounded face. Toma was starting to get really worried, reaching despair and fear.
Thankfully Jin ran into the room, a worried look on his face and Kame following him, and immediately grabbed Yamapi from the back holding his arms. Toma took the opportunity and did the same with Matsujun, who could barely hold back.
“What the hell is going on, Pi?!” Jin shouted holding him by the arm. Yamapi was looking down, his breathing heavy. The room was almost silent, the only sound were the sobs and whimpers that came from Pi. Kame reacted first and closed the door of the room to keep away any curious juniors.
“Tomohisa…” Toma whispered as he walked slowly to Yamapi. “It wasn’t what you think-”
“Then what was?!” he cried out looking up at him and Toma flinched slightly. Jin never let go of his arm, supporting Pi, who could barely stand. He didn’t understand what was going on but seeing Pi so… broken and injured hurt him so much. “I forgave you the first time but…” Yamapi laughed bitterly, “…this is too much.”
“The first time?”
“Yeah, do you remember that time I visited you during the filming of your drama?” Yamapi smiled gently at him but his eyes were empty. “I saw you… kissing Matsumoto.” Toma gulped the guilt in his throat.
“That… why didn’t you say anything before?” he asked and then realized something. “You cried… you cried when I kissed you.” Toma looked down for a brief second before looking back at Yamapi. “It wasn’t a nightmare.”
“It was. It was a living nightmare.” Pi whispered and met the elder’s eyes. “I tried to forget. I really tried! But… when you kissed me that image popped up on my head!” Yamapi rubbed his eyes holding his tears. Jin looked tenderly at him and hugged the younger tightly to keep him from breaking apart.
“Come on, Pi. Let’s go.” He said pulling him by the waist and turning to the door, giving Toma a cold stare before looking ahead, and opening it. Toma hardened his look and stepped forward.
“Wait.” He said coldly, holding Yamapi by the arm. “I need to talk to him.”
“There is nothing to talk about” Jin replied with disgust as he grabbed Toma’s wrist to pull him off. Yamapi looked confusedly at them without moving until Jin pushed him forward through the door and he just let himself get carried away. Jin wouldn’t hurt him. He wouldn’t. He could thrust him.
“Jin, I don’t th-”
“You too, Kame. Let’s go.”
Kamenashi hesitated for a second before following him. He didn’t think it was the best idea to interfere. If Yamapi loved Toma enough to even forgive him after seeing him kiss someone else then probably he still loved him. And Ikuta looked like he really regretted it. They surely could fix things. But it didn’t look like Jin would give Toma such a chance.
“Stop!” Toma jerked Jin’s hold from Yamapi’s waist. “It’s not your business” he said, starting to feel pissed off. Who the hell was him to take Yamapi away?! He was Tomohisa’s boyfriend! Not Akanishi!
“It is my business when you hurt him!” Jin screamed as he stood in front of Yamapi.
“I didn’t hurt him on purpose! If I had noted it before… I love him! I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose.” Toma defended himself looking at Yamapi behind Akanishi’s shoulder trying to convey his feelings.
“But you did! If you loved him you wouldn’t have kissed someone else! I’m not gonna let you hurt him again” Jin deadpanned, his gaze piercing through the other, who stood strong.
“He doesn’t love me” Matsujun walked next to Toma but looked at Yamapi, who held his gaze reflecting the same determination. “At least not as much as he loves you. He let me kiss him because of sympathy. ‘cause I loved him, but he couldn’t love me back as I wished. ‘cause I lost to you” he declared indifferently but inside he felt hurt. But it wasn’t as painful as to see Toma struggling not to cry. Just like that Matsujun left without looking back and Toma held the urge to stop him; he wanted to deny it, to scream it wasn’t true, but somehow it was. It sounded cruel. And Yamapi thought the same, therefore he looked away, feeling like he was the one to blame for making Matsumoto confess something that surely hurt him on the inside.
But Jin didn’t seem convinced at all. He wouldn’t allow someone to hurt Pi like that ever again. Pi had been always there for him; he could always read him like a book and there was nothing Jin could hide from Pi. But he wasn’t even able to notice when Pi was hurt. He felt like an awful friend. It was time to fix that.
Kame suddenly grabbed his wrist and pulled him away from Yamapi. Jin didn’t have time to react properly when unexpectedly Kame kissed him. Pi gaped shocked but smiled contently a second later. Those two idiots, finally. Though he wasn’t sure if the timing was proper.
“Let’s go, Jin” Kame voiced softly pulling at the other’s arm.
“But-” Jin turned around just to found Pi being embraced tightly by a distressed Toma. The younger looked hesitant but even so he held Ikuta by the hips and rested his head tiredly on his shoulder, relaxing a little.
“They will be fine.” Kame put his hands on Jin’s back and pushed him away. Akanishi sighed, giving up, and held Kazuya’s hand as he guided him through the corridors trying to control himself and not ruin everything by ripping the other two man apart.
“Tomohisa” Toma breathed in Yamapi’s scent. “I’m really, really sorry!” he tightened his hold before releasing him to look into his eyes. He wanted to fix things. To see a heart broken Pi made his heart ache like it was his own heart that had been ripped apart. It made sense: he gave his own heart to Tomohisa years ago.
Yamapi looked back at him with practiced calm before leaning forward and kissing Toma. It was sweet, tender but also sad. The older had his eyes slightly open so he saw the shine of a tear drop sliding down the other’s skin. He winced and hugged him again.
“I’m gonna fix you back. I’ll replace any bad memory you have.” He rubbed Yamapi’s back soothingly but it was more to calm down himself than the other boy. “They will just become memories of memories. I’ll make you happy.”
“You already did.”
“How can you forgive me so easily?” he let go of Pi and kissed him on the cheek where a tear was once there. Yamapi just smiled dissipating his worry.
“I don’t know” he caressed Toma’s face. “Maybe ‘cause you are worth?” Pi patted softly his cheek as he winked.
How could he be so cheerful? Toma would have died of jealously if he ever saw Tomohisa kissing someone other than him; he almost killed Jin when he putted his arm around Pi’s waist. Was he feigning to be okay when he actually wasn’t?
“Why are you smiling? I thought you-“
“I was sad. I wanted to forget everything. But you said you loved me and didn’t want to hurt me. Those memories will replace the painful ones.”
“And you thrust my words so easily?” Toma remarked. Tomohisa was too kind for his own good, if he was like that with everyone-
“I don’t want you to be sad.”
“Me? But-“
“You were just as sad as me. It hurt to see you like that more than it hurt to see you kissing Matsumoto. Even if… it’s not with me, I want you to be as happy as possible” Yamapi confessed honestly with a lopsided smile. It may have sounded taken from a soap opera but he really felt like that. There was no other way of saying it.
“Would you give up on me so easily?” Toma teased trying to lighten the mood. He wanted things to go back to normal, to see that smiling and goofy Pi from always. He would give away his own voice just to see that smile.
“Do you think I was giving up when I punched Jun?” Pi smirked. It had felt incredibly good to hit Matsumoto. So bad his knuckles still hurt.
“Poor Matsujun. You punched him really hard!”
“Him? What about me! He punched me just as hard!” Pi pouted touching his jaw that was slightly swollen. The bastard had a quite solid hand.
Toma gave him a side smile and pushed him against the wall. Yamapi shifted his look from Toma’s right eye to his left one and back again. The elder traced ghostly Yamapi’s jaw line with his lips, making him gulp in anticipation. Pi threw his head back giving the other more access and Toma stopped with a chuckle.
“What are you laughing at?” Yamapi pouted and held the elder’s wrists. Toma raised his eyebrows, taken aback. Pi looked at him with a piercing gaze, making Ikuta shift uncomfortably under the scrutiny, and leaned in briefly pecking him on top of his nose, causing Toma to jerk away.
“Why on my nose!” the last complained loudly.
“Cause your nose is too big to ignore it” interrupted Jin walking closer to them followed by Kame.
“What it’s that supposed to mean?!” he looked fiercely at him standing in front of Yamapi unconsciously. Pi hugged him by the back and rested his chin on his shoulder.
“I like Toma’s nose” he spoke smiling. Jin just rolled his eyes and walked closer to them, leaning in next to Toma’s face and pecking Yamapi on the nose.
“I like your nose” he winked at Pi, smirking when Toma growled dangerously.
“Hey, stop that!” complained Kame, pulling at Jin’s hair to separate them.
“Ow! I like your nose too, Kame!” Jin defended himself while pouting.
“What’s your fetish with noses?” he muttered and started walking away.
“Kame! Kame~ ! Don’t get mad!” he ran after him.
“I’m sure, in a not too far future, those two will cause me big headaches” Pi whispered in Toma shoulder seeing Jin clinging to Kame and making him fall in the middle of the hallway with a long chain of curses.
“I pity you” was Toma’s answer as he lifted his hand and ruffled Yamapi’s hair, his gaze still locked on the other couple. They are crazy, he thought uninterested.
~fin~