This is it.
As I sit here, trying to get any leftover emotions out, I wonder about what had transpired. Thinking about the people who I forced out of my life, out of anger. Not the best idea, mind. Said some things. Regret it. Did some things. Regretted those too. In the end, who did it really benefit?
The ones who I pushed away. Hopefully it’s not that big of a deal. Hopefully I created such an ugly image of myself that it would be easier for them to forget me. The bad memory, making the overall experience unpleasant. Maybe that’ll help. Maybe I won’t have to worry.
Such a great amount of regret. Surely this must mean something. Surely this is a sign. Did I make a mistake?
Well, yes. It was a pretty big one. Removing people from my life, it’s not a common occurrence. Friends tell me that you get used to it. I’d rather not, to be honest. This isn’t the first time people had left due to either my idiocy or negligence. I’ll never get used to it.
If I wanted it to be over so badly, why am I writing here? In a place that’s easily accessible to anyone who wants to find me? Am I hoping that they’d read it, and understand? I’m not exactly apologizing for what happened. Just, I guess, explaining that I regret it. But there’s nothing else I’m going to do about it.
All I can hope is that they take care. Written here, as I don’t quite like my own handwriting and journals are such fickle things when it comes to being in a readily available place. Typed out, my feelings. After everything that was said and done.
Who knows? Maybe I’ve already been forgotten. Forcibly. I can only hope. I wanted them to hate me. I wanted this to end in shambles. I wanted that bridge to get burned. So I wouldn’t be tempted to go back. So I wouldn’t be able to go back. It pains me, terribly.
My chest struggles against each breath. My hands, cold and trembling. My mind, a cavalcade of thoughts. Just a slight break in my workings and it instantly jumps to the front. Just a small lull, and I’m bombarded by these contradicting feelings. Down the road, will we ever talk again?
Later on in life, will it even matter?
Again, it’s a decision that I will live with. In the end, it’s a mistake that I will grow to accept. It’ll just take a bit to actually get used to. That feeling of a heavy yet somehow empty heart. This all sounds melodramatic, really.
Another memory of them flashes by. I can’t help but smile a little bit. Can’t help but frown a little bit. Can’t help but cry, just a little bit. But it’s over. A resounding realization as I read back these words. It’s over. It’s done. There’s no way to go back to what I had. There’s no way to reclaim what I lost.
And it’s in that realization that I understand the meaning of this. This entry. This declaration of honesty. Regardless of the right eyes reading the right lines, this is what I want. To leave a final farewell to them. One that they might never see. One that, they might never need.
I don’t hate you. I never did. I loved our time together. Enjoyed all the shenanigans, high jinks, and foolery you and I concocted together. I only wanted to hug you, and apologize for what I was about to do. I only wanted to say thank you, for trying so hard to believe in me. Despite our interaction occurring in such a small amount of time.
Thank you. For thinking that I wasn’t broken. Thank you, for all the laughter you gave me. Thank you, for all the happiness. It might be a little harder to gather incriminating evidence, but I’m sure you’ll manage. Take care.
As for the other guy. Well. I don’t even know where to begin. Did I lie about what I said? A bit. But it doesn’t cover up the fact that I said it. It doesn’t cover up the fact that I said it, primarily to hurt you. I was fed up, distraught, and angry. But it doesn’t excuse the actions I took against you.
And it’s in that, that I hope you can never forgive me. Well, that’s not entirely true. The idealistic side of me wishes for a happier ending in which everything comes back together, but I’m slowly coming to terms with that not happening.
The least I can do, is thank you. Despite how it all ended, the trip there was one Hell of a ride. Becoming both flattered and flabbergasted. Finding that sort of comfort and calm. Being granted the time and affection from you. It was all so surreal. It was all so exciting. Regardless of what others have told me. Despite what others have warned me about, a part of me loved it.
So. Thank you. Thank you for the years of friendship we shared. Thank you for the month of confusion and adventure. Thank you, for ever loving a person like me. And I’m sorry, that you did end up loving someone like me. May your future endeavors fare well. And I am going to miss you, a whole damn bunch.
But it’s something I’ll live with. As the earth turns, so does life.
Goodbye.