Akai Batsu to Shiroi Ai - Chapter Thirty-Eight
Toshiya sat beside paced back and forth in the waiting room, peering down the hall at the bustling doctors and nurses as he bit his nails nervously. It had been an hour and a half since he had arrived at the hospital with the ambulance and no one had come to speak with him of Kyo’s condition or if he was even alive.
Don’t think like that, he told himself.
He could not believe it, he thought it was a nightmare, not reality… Seeing Kyo foam at the mouth and fall to the ground and seizure. Why did he do it? Why did he swallow all those sleeping pills? He had had such high hopes for Kyo, that he would make it in the real world and become a normal member of society. It had seemed like everything would work out. He did not expect it to be easy, but he at least expected Kyo to want to live now that he had gotten out of the hospital.
Maybe he manipulated him just so he could get out and kill himself?
No! There was that way of thinking again, that desperation and searching for answers that lead him to horrible conclusions. He peered down the hall again, waiting for someone to come his way and to tell him what was going on with Kyo, if he could see him and hold him.
He was so baffled. He thought Kyo was happy with him, pleased to be out of the hospital…none of it made sense to him.
He watched a doctor walk down the hall and approach him and he moved forward to meet him.
“Are you Hara-san?” he asked, looking down at a chart.
“Yes, yes I am,” he said breathlessly. “What’s going on? How is he? Is he going to be okay?”
The doctor patiently held up his hand silence Toshiya. He gave Toshiya a grave look and his heart fell. His throat began to tighten as he fought away tears, trying to deny what could very well be true. “He’s stabilized and slowly waking up, but if he hadn’t gotten here exactly when he did he would be dead,” the doctor said after a long pause.
“He’s alive? Oh, thank Kami-sama,” he clasped his hands together and breathed a sigh of relief. It felt as though a huge weight had just been lifted off of his shoulders.
“Yes, but he will need close monitoring for the next day or two, and we want to place him in our seventy-two hour suicide watch and enter him into the adult psychiatric unit,” he said.
Toshiya shook his head. “No, no, no. He will come home with me and I’ll keep an eye on him, I’m a psychologist from the Bara no Onna Mental Rehabilitation Hospital, I can take care of him better than the hospital can,” he said. “When will he be released?”
The doctor gave him a funny look and then shook his head. “He can be released tomorrow afternoon by the earliest. We want to make sure that he doesn’t have any of the pills left in his system and that he is completely stable.”
“Can I see him?” Toshiya asked desperately.
The doctor nodded and turned, waving for him to follow. Toshiya moved quickly, his palms sweating and his body tensing as they neared Kyo’s ICU room. “He’s very weak and somewhat delirious, so don’t be too long,” he said quietly.
“Thank you, sensei,” Toshiya said and moved into the room. He saw Kyo lying flat on his back, hooked up to several different intravenous fluid drips, his face ghastly pale and his body unmoving. It seemed so unlike the Kyo he knew, the rambunctious little man with a foul, loud mouth. Yet there he was, quiet, still, almost dead…
He moved over to the bed and touched Kyo’s hand and looked down at him, his heart almost breaking from the site of him. Kyo had worked so hard to get out of one hospital, only to wind up in another. “Toshiya,” Kyo’s eyes opened a little and the corners of his mouth turned slightly upwards in a weak smile. “Toshiya, I love you…”
The doctor smiled and sniffled, averting his eyes for a moment to make sure he would not cry and then looking back at the weak young man. “I love you too, Kyo,” he said softly. He sat down in the chair beside Kyo’s hospital bed and held his hand gently, rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb. “How are you feeling?”
“I have a tube up my dick,” he groaned, lifting his head slightly to look at his groin and falling back into his pillow.
“That you do,” Toshiya half-laughed, looking him up and down before his eye fell onto the heart monitor. His heart rate was so low, just barely above forty beats per minute… He was so close to death.
Kyo smiled and turned his head so he could look at Toshiya. His weak smile faded and he looked desperately at him. “Why…why did you save me?” he asked in a whisper, his eyes widening to a fully alert state.
Toshiya shook his head. “Why would you ask me such a thing?” he asked. “Kyo, why would I want you dead?”
“I…I don’t fit in…not in this world, not anymore. I’m just a pain to you now, no longer worth it,” Kyo said blankly, his eyes tearing up but his face frozen and expressionless. “I deserve to die.”
“Don’t say that-“
“I do, I do, I do, I’m worthless,” Kyo began to sob.
“No! Don’t say that,” Toshiya snapped squeezing his hand reassuringly. “Don’t say that, I love you Kyo. I love you, no matter what. You mean the world to me-“
“But I’m worthless.”
“No, no you’re not. You’re worth something, if not to anyone else, then to me,” Toshiya said, tears beginning to stream down his face steadily as his mind ran in all directions. He could see himself with Kyo, happy and relaxed and laughing. But he could also see himself finding Kyo dead on his bathroom floor, bleeding profusely. “You mean the world to me. I would put my entire life on hold if I had to, just for you. I would give everything up, Kyo, everything. Can’t you see that you mean everything to me?”
Kyo continued to sob, wiping the tears from his face and shaking his head. “I feel so wrong, so out of place, so strange,” he gasped. “How can I ever be normal? How can I ever make you feel like you chose the right person when I can’t even feel right about myself?”
“You don’t have to worry about making me feel alright about my decision. I fell in love you with the way you were before, and I still love you for you. There is no way anything will ever make me change my mind on that. You are the one I am madly in love with, and just because you don’t fit in doesn’t mean I’ll love you any less,” Toshiya said whole heartedly. “You could be half the size and purple with green hair and as long as you were you, I would not care. I love you for who you are, now and always.”
“…I’m a burden…”
“Stop making excuses to take the easy way out, Kyo,” he said. He bowed his head and bit his lip, trying to stay calm and not get too emotional or snap. “What don’t you get about the fact that I want to be with you? I love you! That is all that should matter. Not if you are a burden or if you fit in or any of that. I love you, and I will fight to the very last to keep you in my life. Even if it means letting you cut so you can deal with this new world, then I will let you as long as you promise to stay with me. I’d rather have you relapse than not be in my life at all.”
Toshiya paused and stared down at the floor, unable to believe what he had just let slip from his mouth. He watched Kyo shut his eyes slowly and his mouth formed a frown. “That was the last thing I wanted to hear come from your mouth.” His eyes opened. “I don’t want you…to change your morals and values to make me happy…that is why-“
“Then tell me what to do, Kyo. Tell me what to do so that I can be with you and that this won’t happen again. Please, tell me what I have to do!” Toshiya begged, choking on his sobs and bowing his head. “Tell me…”
Kyo was silent for a long time. “There is nothing you can do, just let me die I suppose,” he said, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t deserve you.”
“But you have me Kyo, you have me and I am madly in love with you. Don’t you get that? Don’t you get it? I hopelessly in love with you, I can’t help myself. Please, let me be with you, let me love you,” he sobbed. “Please, don’t leave me.”
“Toshiya, I’ll never make you happy-“
“If you kill yourself, I’ll kill myself too!” Toshiya blurted out and promptly slapped his hands over his mouth, his eyes growing even wider. He hadn’t meant to say that either, he didn’t know what was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he hold his tongue? But what he had said…it was true…
Kyo rolled back onto his side and stared at him, his cheeks sucked in as he bit the insides of them. His eyes welled with tears and he buried his face in his pillow, his body spasming wildly as he sobbed. Toshiya reached his hand out and stroked Kyo’s back, unsure what to do or say to him. He finally pulled his face from the pillow, his eyes and face red. “Toshiya…” he began.
Toshiya got up and wrapped his arms around him tightly. “I love you,” he said strongly, biting back his tears. “I love you more than anything.”
He felt Kyo’s arms wrap around him, weakly at first and then becoming stronger. “I love you too, Toshiya,” Kyo said in a whisper, still sobbing uncontrollably. “I-I-I won’t leave you, I-I-I won’t l-l-leave you, never ag-g-gain.”
* * * * *
Hideto laughed as he saw Kaoru’s smiling face turn to a horrified look. He held out his hand, the bluish eyeball resting in his palm. “Look, I brought you a present!” he exclaimed, tossing it to Kaoru.
Kaoru moved back on his bed, staring in horror at the eyeball. He looked at it for a long time before he looked up at Hideto. “How did you get in here? Why are you here?” he asked in a low voice, barely above a whisper.
“Well, I wanted to give you this present,” Hideto shrugged, waving his hand that held a bloody scalpel, “And this helped me get it. See, you don’t have to worry about the nurses coming in here, they’re all taken care of.”
He paced back and forth between the beds, occasionally glancing in Kaoru’s direction and grinning. He was unsure of what to do with the young man. He knew very well that Kaoru had a strange connection to his abuser, but he still had feelings from his youth attached to him as well, which would prevent him from hurting him.
“Are you here to kill me?” Kaoru asked, closing his eyes as he waited for an answer.
“I don’t know yet,” Hideto said honestly, running his fingers over the sticky handle of the scalpel. He felt so empowered slicing the nurses throats…it was like he was on another power trip, that of which he had been deprived of since he had allowed himself to be caught by the police. “I want to, but at the same time, I don’t. It bothers me to be indecisive…”
He looked at the scalpel and moved quickly, jumping onto the bed and pressing it against the scar on Kaoru’s neck. “I remember what it felt like to slice you with a blade oh-so similar to this one,” he said softly.
Kaoru whimpered and looked desperately into Hideto’s eyes.
Hideto laughed and moved the blade back, smiling at the young man. “I like you, I always have. And at one point, I loved you,” he said, moving back and relaxing himself. “I grew after what happened at Hayashi’s home, I became a new person and rebuilt myself. But you…you haven’t changed. I can still see the scared teenager that I spent my worst days with, the self-injurious little boy who couldn’t handle life’s difficulties. I don’t know how I feel about that.”
Kaoru moved back on his elbows as Hideto straddled him, as though he were trying to sink into the bed and disappear. “Please…please don’t hurt me,” he begged.
Hideto whipped his arm out, stopping his momentum just before the blade reached his cheek. “Are you scared?” he asked. He stared awkwardly at Kaoru, watching his eyes for a reaction. Fear…
He leaned forward, moving the blade to his side. Kaoru sunk back onto the bed the closer he got and Hideto kissed him, feeling a burst of energy shoot throughout his body as their lips met. It was such a foreign feeling that he loved. He wanted more. Kaoru tried to move his head away; Hideto brought the blade back up, pressing it to his cheek lightly-he stopped trying to move.
He felt so powerful and youthful on top of Kaoru, acting out what he longed for. Ah, there was that little boy inside him fighting to get out again-maybe he would give in this one time. Hideto tried to deepen the kiss, but Kaoru’s lips wouldn’t part. He bit down hard on his lower lip, drawing a cry of pain from the man beneath him.
Slowly, he pulled back and smiled as he watched Kaoru’s lip puff up from the hard bite. “Did you not enjoy kissing me? There was once a time you did,” he said. ‘So did you like it?”
Kaoru remained quiet, staring up at Hideto with the same terrified look he had before.
The door suddenly opened and shut quietly. Hideto turned and watched a young boy walk into the room. “Bou, get out!” Kaoru yelled.
“Shut up!” Hideto punched him in the face and got up.
“What the fuck is going on in here?” Bou demanded, looking at Kaoru and then to Hideto. His eyes widened as he saw the large stains on Hideto’s clothes.
“Your skin…” Hideto said, cocking his head from side to side as he stared at Bou’s flawless and pale complexion.
“Bou, get out of here!” Kaoru yelled.
Hideto moved forward and grabbed Bou as he turned, pressing the scalpel to his throat and feeling a rush of power surge through him. He shoved him towards Kaoru’s bed and he stumbled back onto it. He moved towards him, looking down at the scars and cuts on the boy’s arms. “So pretty…” he said, admiring the boy’s beautiful skin. It was so similar to the sensei’s that he liked, so perfect and smooth and healthy.
“Hideto, please don’t hurt him, please,” Kaoru begged, moving to get up.
Hideto pushed him back down onto the bed and sat down on the empty bed, looking at both of them curiously. The love of his former life and a young beautiful boy with perfect skin. They glanced at each other and he noticed something, a subtle look in both of their eyes. He suddenly began laughing and sighed. “You two. You two like each other,” he mused.
“What of it?” Bou asked definitely.
“It’s such an odd couple,” he said aloud, verbalizing his thoughts.
Something then struck him, something sickeningly pleasurable to him. “Fuck him,” he said to Bou.
“What?” the teen looked confused.
“Fuck him, now,” he said. “You two like each other, right? Fuck him.”
“Hideto, please-“
“Shut up, Kaoru, and do as I say. Let this boy fuck you,” Hideto said, grinning devilishly.
Bou looked from Hideto to Kaoru, his eyes wide and his face twisted in confusion. He then leaned over and kissed Kaoru, stroking his lap.
Kaoru broke away. “You don’t have to do this,” he said, shaking his head. He then looked to Hideto. “Please, let him go. You can do whatever you want to me, just don’t do this to Bou. He has enough problems.”
“No, Kaoru, it’s okay. It’s not the first time I’ve had an audience,” Bou said softly and then whispered, “I don’t want this guy to hurt you.”
Bou kissed him again and moved on top of him.
Hideto watched them as their kissing turned to groping and the groping leading to their clothes being removed. He wasn’t sexually aroused, he felt nothing concerning the display before him. He was tense, waiting for the moment to do what he wanted. He waited patiently until Bou had alright penetrated him, mumbled assurances to Kaoru not to look at Hideto and to relax.
He got up slowly and stood behind Bou for a long time before he caught him mid-moan and slashed him across the back with the scalpel. He cried out, stopping and reaching a hand back as the blood spilled out of his wound. “Keep going,” Hideto commanded.
Bou looked at him and gritted his teeth. He focused his attention back and Kaoru and continued. “I’m okay, Kaoru, just relax,” he said softly.
Hideto paced back and forth behind him, waiting until they had both consumed themselves in ecstasy and he lashed out again, slashing Kaoru across his chest and cutting Bou’s back again. They both cried out and stopped.
“Keep going,” Hideto barked, and added gently, “You two look so beautiful covered in blood.”
* * * * *
The door shut behind the pink haired monster and Kaoru moved over to Bou quickly, the boy sitting the ground, naked and shaking as blood continued to drip out of his dozens of wounds. He bit through the pain in his chest and stomach and grabbed the blanket, dabbing Bou’s back with it and grimacing at the wounds. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“It’s okay, it’s not that bad,” Bou said in a shaky voice. “It’s different when someone else hurts you…”
“Yeah,” Kaoru said, groaning as the blanket brushed one of his wounds.
“Who was that?” he asked.
“His name is Hideto, he’s on one of the special units…I guess he broke out to come see me,” Kaoru said, his mind wandering back to when Hideto first showed up.
“How do you know him?” Bou asked.
“From a long time ago, we were stuck in the same situation when we were around your age…” Kaoru’s mind began to wander.
“It has to do with that man that your brother told me about, right?” Bou asked, turning his head so he could see Kaoru’s face.
Kaoru nodded. “Yes, he was the second survivor,” he swallowed hard, the image of his face beaten in flashing in his mind. “I’m sorry you got involved, I’m really sorry. He’s…he’s become a twisted man since I last saw him…”
Bou kissed Kaoru on the cheek, grimacing as he pulled back. “It’s okay,” he said with a faint smile.
Kaoru stared at him, unable to believe that he wasn’t angry. “I like you, Bou, I like you a lot,” he said softly.
“I like you too, Kaoru,” he said with a grin.
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