How do I start over when it hurts so much?
Its hard to get myself to open up again. But I really need some emotional support these days. I've isolated myself from most of my old local friends, and I haven't been around for much of my online friends. My fibro is flaring again and my heart aches because I had to let one very dear to me go. My love ended things and moved away. It happened all so quicklly that my head is just spinning. Everyone I talk to says its for the best. That our relationship wasn't doing me any good. I feel so abandonded and forsaken. I have lost interest in my work. Alec desperately tries to make me smile. I know I have so much to live for, but why does it hurt so much. I'm afraid to reach out to old friends because I feel so needy right now. I don't want to drag anyone down. I've been told to look at the positive side of things. I will have more time for Alec. I will have more time for my artwork. I will have more time to work on me. But there are so many little things that remind me of her. And then everyone seems to want to give me negative input about her. That hurts even more. I know I've got to take care of me and start thinking about what I want out of life. I also got to take care of Alec and do what is best for both of us. But right now I feel so lost. I kind of feel like I'm playing pin the tail on the donkey. Someone blindfolded me and spun me around and left me trying to figure out what direction to go in. My heart says one thing and then shatters into a million directions. And my head is trying to make sense of it all and to tries to keep me from hiding away and retreating behind my walls. I'm not so good at wearing a mask anymore. With Pride coming up, her birthday, and the anversaries of us first meeting and kissing, all I long for is to be with her during this time, but I can't. I need to pull myself together, before I end up losing it all together.