A Braver Woman Than I
So it is now halfway through week 3 in Thailand, and I'm currently residing in the near island paradise of Railay (which is actually a peninsula, but it feels like an island, so there...) I don't want to bore you all with all the details of my last three weeks (for the two people who might actually read this blog...) so you'll just have to wait for me to type up the entirety of my Thailand journal and get the details there. If you're interested.
The point of this particular entry is more or less to bitch and moan about my lack of stupid courage. Stupid courage is the courage to go for something you cannot and will not have, despite knowing that you will end in failure. It is the courage to put yourself out there, to make a move as bold as you possibly can and hope for, not the best, but at the very least the knowledge that you tried. And maybe a tiny little bit of hope that for once in your life (and it will likely only ever happen once), you are the exception instead of being the rule.
Stupid courage is something which I simply do not have. Or at least, if I do have it, it is deeply buried within my subconscious and is steadfastly refusing to come out. And I wish I did.
If I had it, I would not be laying in bed late at night with tears in my eyes, running through all the myriad possibilities of ways in which I could make my move and maybe not be rejected, all the while knowing I will never make the attempt. If I had it, I would allow myself to push past that threshold of inhibition, and let my utter certainty of my upcoming lack of any sense whatsoever encourage me to get shit-faced and make an ass of myself, instead of letting it stop me. I would gladly welcome with open arms the opportunity to cross barriers of personal space and make an offering of myself, even knowing that the rules that govern us right now would most certainly stop anything from starting, before it did so.
If I had stupid courage, I would tell him how I felt. I would ask for hugs, and let my hand rest on his leg as though the most natural thing in the world. I would invite him out for a walk onthe beach and ask for a kiss, not because that's all I want but because that's all I know I'd be able to have and I would be willing to settle for that alone. I might even show up one night at the door of that room and invite myself in, and maybe even not take no for an answer.
But alas. Stupid courage is something I lack. So instead, I will sit in Internet cafes while the heat rages outside, with brown eyes, a pleasant smile, and easy laugh and tanned skin and toned muscles and scars that mark an otherwise Adonisian body all running through my head, as helpless to do anything about this idiotic school-girl crush as a lamb in the face of a godly lion.
And I will hope that by the time it comes to leave Thailand, and him, for what could very possibly be forever, I will have found just the smallest well of stupid courage.