Turning 19 in a Third World Country
WARNING! Text-heavy post: Read if you want but i just needed to vent all of this here in order to retain my sanity >.<
I'm now officially 19 today! Am I happy? I don't think so. Instead, I'm here in my dorm,still awake at 12 in the morning while typing through my iphone and hoping to release through this post the burden of being unaccomplished.
I feel that I'm still at a loss right now. Even though I'm in my dream course now, I still have doubts if this is really what I wanted to be. My 19 years of life is full of unexpected twists and turns. The only thing that I majorly regretted in life is my tardiness of deciding to control my life by myself. I can't help but compare myself to other youths abroad - in Japan, US, EU, and in the rest of the better SEA nations. I feel so frustrated that these contemporaries of mine have a lot of opportunities and options than me, stucked under the tropical heat and violent typhoons, even monsoons,too!
I blame my parents for not exposing me to a lot of things like music,art,dance,sports and many more. I can't help but blame my relatives for imposing their dreams to me that made my life like this now. I blame the government for not giving a lot of opportunities for me to develop such as scholarships, part time jobs, ability to travel without visa and a lot more. I blame myself for naively allowing others to dictate my life. I pity myself for wasting 3 years in Nursing to simply go with the flow which is to work abroad and migrate there which is the Filipino dream. I love dabbling into politics, history, and international relations. I will always have a strong opinion about those three. But here I am, being immersed in a field that "somehow" interests me. I refused Journalism, even though it tackles those three, because pessimism will rule my life forever. Nothing is bright in this country. That's the truth. Every little policy,law, and rules is like a piece of cloth sewn to a ragged dress trying vainly to cover the large holes that made the dress unwearable in the first place.
I envy the youths of other well off countries but at the same time, I'm trying my best to follow them. I chose Geology mainly to have the opportunity to study abroad someday. It is the same reason why I chose Nursing before but at least, Geology is in my sphere of interest.
My life is a series of pretensions. My closest friends in highschool drifted away,of course,because of studies and other stuff. I do not even contact my closest friends in college after i transferred schools. I long for humam connections but I cannot seem to put an effort in maintaining one. I enjoy myself being alone but I also feel sad when I'm always alone.
Everyday is a constant struggle for the motivation to continue the rest of the day. I'm not implying suicide here. My point is that going to school, making connections and doing anything involving this country needs a lot of motivation. I purposely avoided going to social gatheringa because I find it annoying. My principle is that "these people will leave someday, each of us will drift apart, so why make an effort?". Now, I'm still struggling to find that genuine bond.
While typing these, I was crying during the first part but I can feel the weight being removed. I cannot tell this to anyone because I know that they will not really care or at least appear to for a while, but they will all go back to their daily lives.
I always think of the future,of the possibilities that can still occur. I really am annoyed that a lot of Filipino youth do not consider their future. I continuously feel defeated because even though I try to be an optimist, I know that only a miracle would save this country from killing itself.
I am aware that most of my complaints here are trivial. But I do think that if the major problems in this society will be solved, then most of those TRIVIAL stuff will be fixed,too. It's funny that this post which was supposed to be full of gloom due to depressed feeling of being an unaccomplished person became an angry and blaming rant to this country,this society,this family I belong to, and this naive and foolish self of mine.
So, how will I spend my birthday now?
Well, I'll just consider this an extra special-but-typical-sort of day. No birthday parties or food (I might buy a slice of cake for myself)
I'm also planning to do things I wanted to do like signing up in a Japanese language class.And try to avail of that elusive Monbukagakusho scholarship. Dreaming much? Hell yeah! Life is too short to keep procrastinating.
I'm now officially 19 today! Am I happy? I don't think so. Instead, I'm here in my dorm,still awake at 12 in the morning while typing through my iphone and hoping to release through this post the burden of being unaccomplished.
I feel that I'm still at a loss right now. Even though I'm in my dream course now, I still have doubts if this is really what I wanted to be. My 19 years of life is full of unexpected twists and turns. The only thing that I majorly regretted in life is my tardiness of deciding to control my life by myself. I can't help but compare myself to other youths abroad - in Japan, US, EU, and in the rest of the better SEA nations. I feel so frustrated that these contemporaries of mine have a lot of opportunities and options than me, stucked under the tropical heat and violent typhoons, even monsoons,too!
I blame my parents for not exposing me to a lot of things like music,art,dance,sports and many more. I can't help but blame my relatives for imposing their dreams to me that made my life like this now. I blame the government for not giving a lot of opportunities for me to develop such as scholarships, part time jobs, ability to travel without visa and a lot more. I blame myself for naively allowing others to dictate my life. I pity myself for wasting 3 years in Nursing to simply go with the flow which is to work abroad and migrate there which is the Filipino dream. I love dabbling into politics, history, and international relations. I will always have a strong opinion about those three. But here I am, being immersed in a field that "somehow" interests me. I refused Journalism, even though it tackles those three, because pessimism will rule my life forever. Nothing is bright in this country. That's the truth. Every little policy,law, and rules is like a piece of cloth sewn to a ragged dress trying vainly to cover the large holes that made the dress unwearable in the first place.
I envy the youths of other well off countries but at the same time, I'm trying my best to follow them. I chose Geology mainly to have the opportunity to study abroad someday. It is the same reason why I chose Nursing before but at least, Geology is in my sphere of interest.
My life is a series of pretensions. My closest friends in highschool drifted away,of course,because of studies and other stuff. I do not even contact my closest friends in college after i transferred schools. I long for humam connections but I cannot seem to put an effort in maintaining one. I enjoy myself being alone but I also feel sad when I'm always alone.
Everyday is a constant struggle for the motivation to continue the rest of the day. I'm not implying suicide here. My point is that going to school, making connections and doing anything involving this country needs a lot of motivation. I purposely avoided going to social gatheringa because I find it annoying. My principle is that "these people will leave someday, each of us will drift apart, so why make an effort?". Now, I'm still struggling to find that genuine bond.
While typing these, I was crying during the first part but I can feel the weight being removed. I cannot tell this to anyone because I know that they will not really care or at least appear to for a while, but they will all go back to their daily lives.
I always think of the future,of the possibilities that can still occur. I really am annoyed that a lot of Filipino youth do not consider their future. I continuously feel defeated because even though I try to be an optimist, I know that only a miracle would save this country from killing itself.
I am aware that most of my complaints here are trivial. But I do think that if the major problems in this society will be solved, then most of those TRIVIAL stuff will be fixed,too. It's funny that this post which was supposed to be full of gloom due to depressed feeling of being an unaccomplished person became an angry and blaming rant to this country,this society,this family I belong to, and this naive and foolish self of mine.
So, how will I spend my birthday now?
Well, I'll just consider this an extra special-but-typical-sort of day. No birthday parties or food (I might buy a slice of cake for myself)
I'm also planning to do things I wanted to do like signing up in a Japanese language class.And try to avail of that elusive Monbukagakusho scholarship. Dreaming much? Hell yeah! Life is too short to keep procrastinating.