Some afterthoughts
I worry a lot nowadays. I'm concerned particularly in terms of my decision of changing schools. I know that there is still a bit of desperation in me to cling to UP since I haven't applied for an honorable dismissal yet. I'm afraid to tell my friends of this decision because I know that behind my back, they will definitely smirk at me like how I did to some of them when they left the university earlier. I can't easily sleep so I need to exhaust myself in front of the computer. I'm really anxious right now. I thought that I need to vent this thoughts or feelings of mine somewhere. I can't talk about this feelings with my parents or anyone close to me because I know that they will never understand. I can imagine them pointing at me and saying that it's my fault I'm in this kind of mess.
Thank God for this blog.
I always hate this feeling of being in transition. It's like you'll never be stable again. This happened to me three years ago when I failed my college algebra due to a combination of my naivete, stupid and love sick professor(when he comes to class, he looks so exhausted that he just made some shortcuts on the lessons - then I've discovered his livejournal with all the posts about his unfortunate love life blahblahblah...), and unreliable classmates. For those three years I've never been a regular student. Now, I'm a transfer student and it's so daunting to learn that I have a lot of paper works to accomplish. I'm also disappointed that I won't be able to take major subjects this semester(hopefully next sem). What if I lose interest when I start to take my majors? Well, that's actually a foolish question. I think my indolence towers over me at this moment,haha.
Sometimes, I really hate to be an adult. In my country, 18 years of age is already an adult. I hate to choose things based on the merit of what it will benefit to me in the future. Can't I just choose what I like without considering future jobs or the amount of salary or the opportunities to work abroad? I don't really want to grow up. I feel so unprepared in this so called reality.
Source
Without anime, manga, yaoi, jdramas,kdramas, movies, kpop, jpop, and expat blogs, I will never be able to move forward or be energized after facing the harsh and tiring world of college life. They are my life lines: the only things that keep me going and be excited for the next day or the next week or the next months. Without them, I don't know how can I keep up with this fast paced and heartless world. I'm really thankful for all the people behind these life lines of mine: from the mangaka/artists to the actors and writers and directors, and seiyuus, and to my oppas, to the scanlating community both in the doujinshi and non-doujinshi areas, especially to the livejournal communities I've joined here, Thank You so much. You don't know how much you have helped me continue to find my purpose in this world and to keep up the fight of knowing who I am and forming my own identity without others dictating me. I'm sorry for being too dramatic here. But I just want all of you to know how thankful I am,really.
PS. I'm sorry for posting a lot of emo stuff here recently, maybe after things have settled down, I can start to write posts that are more happy.
