Worst Christmas ever
So my father and I feuded all day today over politics. He is convinced that America is somehow the savvior of the world, that it is THE SHIT, and somehow better than France, Germany and all those other countries SUCK. All because of US support for Taiwan, which by the way is a crock of shit...I go off about abortion, racism, environmental justice, education, priviledge, the fucked up election, etc etc etc....He somehow takes this as an affront to him personally, that I don't care about his contributions as a father.
So he screams at me. Again and Again. At Dim sum Brunch, at Hot Pot Dinner. It's getting fucking embarrasing. At dinner he berates me, calls me a failure, says that I am a product of priviledge, that I am lazy and that he thinks that I am going to be a failure. I'm sorry if I didn't almost flunk out of college like my dad. I'm sorry that I feel like I want to become a political activist and not an engineer. I'm sorry that I am opinionated and that I express my opinions unlike a good asian son. I am sorrythat I don't feel a need to become a businessman like him. I am sorry sorry sorry....
But most of all I am sorry for my mother, and two sisters who have to deal with the fact that my conflict with my father is ripping our family apart. I'm sorry that all three of them started crying at our family Christmas dinner. I feel badly for them, because if it wasn't me then maybe, perhaps, my father wouldn't act like such a twat. I'm sorry that I avoid coming home as often as possibly because I can't stand the memory of what my father does to me and the fact that he owns me. Maybe that's why I am so self-loathing, my father makes me hate myself and the effect that I have on my family...
I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know whether I can stand beingg here for another 3 days. I don't know whether I am going to have to tell my father to fuck himself and abandon his financial support, which he uses like a gigantic axe over my head. I'm looking forward to leaving permanently after graduation. I think my sisters will be better off, without the constant controversy and anger that currently plagues their family life.
I am so very tired. Tired of his constant threats to pull my financial support over me voting for Kerry, over my political activism. Tired of the constant fighting. Tired of being told that I am worthless and a failure.
I may be tired, i may be angry, and I may be sorry. But atleast I know that I am doing the right thing for myself. I'm proud of what I stand for. I'm happy that I have a strong, supportive group of friends that are always able to get me through this. In the end, I can live with myself. I don't know whether my father can...
So he screams at me. Again and Again. At Dim sum Brunch, at Hot Pot Dinner. It's getting fucking embarrasing. At dinner he berates me, calls me a failure, says that I am a product of priviledge, that I am lazy and that he thinks that I am going to be a failure. I'm sorry if I didn't almost flunk out of college like my dad. I'm sorry that I feel like I want to become a political activist and not an engineer. I'm sorry that I am opinionated and that I express my opinions unlike a good asian son. I am sorrythat I don't feel a need to become a businessman like him. I am sorry sorry sorry....
But most of all I am sorry for my mother, and two sisters who have to deal with the fact that my conflict with my father is ripping our family apart. I'm sorry that all three of them started crying at our family Christmas dinner. I feel badly for them, because if it wasn't me then maybe, perhaps, my father wouldn't act like such a twat. I'm sorry that I avoid coming home as often as possibly because I can't stand the memory of what my father does to me and the fact that he owns me. Maybe that's why I am so self-loathing, my father makes me hate myself and the effect that I have on my family...
I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know whether I can stand beingg here for another 3 days. I don't know whether I am going to have to tell my father to fuck himself and abandon his financial support, which he uses like a gigantic axe over my head. I'm looking forward to leaving permanently after graduation. I think my sisters will be better off, without the constant controversy and anger that currently plagues their family life.
I am so very tired. Tired of his constant threats to pull my financial support over me voting for Kerry, over my political activism. Tired of the constant fighting. Tired of being told that I am worthless and a failure.
I may be tired, i may be angry, and I may be sorry. But atleast I know that I am doing the right thing for myself. I'm proud of what I stand for. I'm happy that I have a strong, supportive group of friends that are always able to get me through this. In the end, I can live with myself. I don't know whether my father can...