freezing
its freezing cold in my room. the heat is broken. My fingers feel like they are going to fall off at any moment, however The atmosphere goes nicely with what i am feeling in my heart right now. i dont know what to feel, im just cold.
im wondering if this past week was the biggest mistake i have ever made, or the biggest gift i could have ever received. to be honest i see it in both lights. i met a boy who changed something in me. He created a positive shift, and for a moment i was so happy, and i guess i still am happy in many ways.
It was only a week, only a tiny week that we were...whatever we were. And in that week i felt as though i had know him my entire life. We were both going through the same thing, trying to get over painful heartache and this never ending weight in our souls. Only difference is, he pulled me out of my heartache, and made me realize..."holy fucking shit, this is what i have been missing out on" and i feel as though i pulled him deeper into his hole, and stirred up a lot of his shit. To be blunt, because of him, i am ryan free, i feel back to my old happy/full of life/loving life self. It has been an amazing week.
James says that i can't depend on others for my happiness. that i cant depend on this boy to fill the hole that ryan left me with. and i know this. but should i feel guilty for meeting someone who i completely connected with? someone who i could extend my heart and love too? i donno. it seems like i am always in a different place then those i come to be close with. He just cant let go of her, and i completely understand where he is coming from, i was in his shoes about 2 weeks ago, but now i feel like i am free of that pain.
so i am sad now. Sad that i am such a big lover. a week, a simple week and i have fallen for another boy. a tiny week and i have let my heart go to someone who cant reciprocate. and he warned me, yes he did, he warned me that he was not as well off as he put out. But the warning signs were jumbled with lust and sex, and it confused us both.
i am happy, i am happy that i am independent, and free from the pain of heartache. i am happy that i learned so much from me and ryans break up. i am happy that i show vulnerability, and let myself go. yes, this is a very dangerous act...vulnerability, letting go, and just trusting life and love.
but honestly, i would rather live a dangerous life, and love a thousand times, and get my heart broken a thousand times, then live in the shadows of it all, afraid to love, afraid to take that next jump.
i did it, i jumped, and unfortunately i fell, but i didnt hit that hard...
i can still get up and walk away with a smile on my pretty face.
im wondering if this past week was the biggest mistake i have ever made, or the biggest gift i could have ever received. to be honest i see it in both lights. i met a boy who changed something in me. He created a positive shift, and for a moment i was so happy, and i guess i still am happy in many ways.
It was only a week, only a tiny week that we were...whatever we were. And in that week i felt as though i had know him my entire life. We were both going through the same thing, trying to get over painful heartache and this never ending weight in our souls. Only difference is, he pulled me out of my heartache, and made me realize..."holy fucking shit, this is what i have been missing out on" and i feel as though i pulled him deeper into his hole, and stirred up a lot of his shit. To be blunt, because of him, i am ryan free, i feel back to my old happy/full of life/loving life self. It has been an amazing week.
James says that i can't depend on others for my happiness. that i cant depend on this boy to fill the hole that ryan left me with. and i know this. but should i feel guilty for meeting someone who i completely connected with? someone who i could extend my heart and love too? i donno. it seems like i am always in a different place then those i come to be close with. He just cant let go of her, and i completely understand where he is coming from, i was in his shoes about 2 weeks ago, but now i feel like i am free of that pain.
so i am sad now. Sad that i am such a big lover. a week, a simple week and i have fallen for another boy. a tiny week and i have let my heart go to someone who cant reciprocate. and he warned me, yes he did, he warned me that he was not as well off as he put out. But the warning signs were jumbled with lust and sex, and it confused us both.
i am happy, i am happy that i am independent, and free from the pain of heartache. i am happy that i learned so much from me and ryans break up. i am happy that i show vulnerability, and let myself go. yes, this is a very dangerous act...vulnerability, letting go, and just trusting life and love.
but honestly, i would rather live a dangerous life, and love a thousand times, and get my heart broken a thousand times, then live in the shadows of it all, afraid to love, afraid to take that next jump.
i did it, i jumped, and unfortunately i fell, but i didnt hit that hard...
i can still get up and walk away with a smile on my pretty face.